Sometimes it’s not hate… it’s just pain that stayed…🌿
Hi everyone 🌿
I wanted to share a small thought… something I’ve been noticing while talking to people here recently.
No offense to anyone… I’m sharing this with a lot of respect for everyone’s feelings.
Sometimes, there is a lot of anger towards men…
not just one person, but men as a whole.
And when you listen closely, it doesn’t feel like hate…
it feels like something deeper.
Sometimes it comes from repeated hurt…
broken trust,
feeling disrespected,
or not being understood when it mattered the most.
When things like this happen again and again,
it slowly starts feeling like…
“all men are same.”
Maybe it’s not even a choice…
maybe it’s just the heart trying to protect itself from getting hurt again.
And honestly, that feeling is valid.
What you experienced was real.
Your pain matters.
At the same time, I’ll be honest…
as a man, sometimes it feels a little disheartening to see this.
Not because the feelings are wrong…
but because it reminds me how much hurt people have gone through.
But at the same time…
not all experiences define all people.
Not all men will treat you the same way.
And saying this is not to dismiss what you’ve been through…
it’s just to gently hold space for another possibility.
Maybe both things can exist together…
you can feel hurt, angry, protective…
and still, slowly, at your own pace,
allow the idea that things can be different too.
There’s no need to rush this.
No need to force trust.
Just understanding your own feelings…
that itself is a big step 🌼
And sometimes… just being heard without judgement can make things feel a little lighter 🤍
I would really like everyone’s participation and thoughts on this… your experiences and views matter here 🌱
🌱 Participation Questions:
Have you ever felt anger towards men because of past experiences?
Do you feel this anger is protecting you from getting hurt again?
What kind of behavior or actions would make you feel safe around men?
Have you ever met someone who felt different from your past experiences?
What kind of support helps you the most when you feel this way?
✨ A gentle reminder:
Your feelings are valid… and they deserve to be heard.
And at the same time, your story is still unfolding… it doesn’t have to stay the same forever.
If you ever feel like sharing, you can do it here… or with me or any other listeners you trust. Take it at your own pace 🌿
@IamSkyBlueAakash Thank you for sharing ❤️
@fossilfellow,
Thanks a lot
@ImSkyBlueAakash 💝💝
Tbh right after the breakup I went through 6 years ago, I kept myself to myself. I was angry yes, but I didn't want to tarnish others.
Just now I'm disillusioned. I have been watching manosphere content for a few years to get to know what a certain segment thinks about women etc. And analysing those thoughts didn't do any favour to me as a person. Quite the contrary.
I think ppl are generally speaking burnt out from lived experience plus we have a high level of polarisation online.
Personally, I tend to refrain from generalisations especially in a place like this one which is aimed to P2P support.
I'm sorry you felt somehow ostracised, you seem a nice person. Though again we are not able to control what others might assume of us.
@greenCake1393,
Thank you for sharing this… I really appreciate your perspective 🌿
I can understand what you mean about how both experiences and online content can slowly shape how we feel. It can get quite heavy over time.
And I really respect that you still choose not to generalise, especially after everything you’ve seen and felt.
Also, thank you for your kind words… it means a lot 🤍
Glad you shared this here 🌼
No worries, it's good to open up and to share what we are going through. We need healthy debates handled with compassion for both sides 🌈💚😊
Thank you for sharing that and I am sure many are glad to hear there are still kind and generous men out there and it sounds like you are one of those men!
It took me a long time to learn this part and now I can finally say I get it! I can only control and protect myself and trying to control another person never works. I think we as women know all men or not the same. I really do know it!
But I also see a pattern from my first husband to my second, so many promises made in those honeymoon years and then in later years as you age it’s not that you love each other less at least not for me it’s truly you get tired of promises that never get fulfilled. Then if it happens to you twice you really wonder if all men are the same! Maybe you yourself bring it out in them? You doubt yourself etc So many exhausting questions.
I can say with certainty that if this second time around after two decades together doesn’t work I am pretty over being in a relationship! I am too old for dates and more promises that never come true, so I am just too tired to care about having a partner if that is where it all leads. It’s easier not to at least for me.
I am fortunate to have amazing kids and grandkids so I would rather focus on that instead of what a third marriage and relationship would look like, saying it out loud even sounds exhausting!
Maybe if relationships in the beginning were more emotionally open and honest while the honeymoon phase is till in play then when the normal routines set in by year 3 you already know the skeletons that exists and you can both accept each other better going forward.
One mistake I have observed in these chats I think is that sex gets a higher priority than intimacy! Meaning if you don’t focus on intimacy, conversation and understanding each other then as you age and the sex isn’t as important or even as often you never connected emotionally in the first place so it feels to you both like a loss of love but it’s actually a loss of emotional and intimate connection because you never had that part right to begin with as a couple
Just my two cents for whatever they are worth from my own experiences!
@purpleField1512,
Thank you so much for sharing this so openly… I could really feel the honesty and depth in your words 🌿
What you said about promises in the early years and then the quiet disappointment later on… it feels very real. Sometimes it’s not that love disappears, it’s just that unfulfilled expectations slowly create a kind of emotional distance that’s hard to explain.
And the part where you start questioning yourself… whether it’s all men or something within you… that can be very exhausting to carry. It’s not an easy place to be in, and I’m really sorry you had to go through that more than once.
I also really appreciate your insight about emotional intimacy. It’s such an important point… without that deeper connection, understanding, and honest conversations, things can start feeling empty with time. What you shared there feels very true and meaningful.
At the same time, I can also understand why you would choose peace now. After giving so much of yourself for so many years, wanting something calm and steady, surrounded by your kids and grandkids… it sounds very grounding and fulfilling in its own way 🤍
Thank you again for sharing something so personal and thoughtful here. It really adds a lot of depth to this space… and I’m sure many people reading this would feel understood through your words 🌼
Thank you for your kind words and I hope all understand it’s just my own point of view and the use of “you” based on my personal experience, when I say you.
Just speaking of myself and my two husbands LOL
I am slowly learning new things and I wish they had been shared with me early on!
Possibly could have prevented some misunderstandings in my marriages for sure!
We take classes to learn job skills but nobody has us take classes for marriage and relationship skills!
We take them after the fact! Which is better than never but I truly wish I had been advised to do so when I was young 🥰🙏❤️
@purpleField1512,
really appreciate you sharing this… it feels very honest and real 🌿
And I completely understand what you meant about using “you”… it’s clear you were just speaking from your own experience, and it came across that way.
What you said about learning things later in life really stayed with me. It’s true… we are taught so many things for work and career, but when it comes to relationships, we mostly learn through experience, sometimes the hard way.
And I can imagine how different things might have felt if these understandings had come a little earlier… but at the same time, the awareness you have now is very valuable too. Not everyone reaches that level of clarity.
Your perspective really feels thoughtful and grounded… thank you for adding so much depth to this conversation 🤍🌼
@IamSkyBlueAakash
This post caught me off guard a little.
I think what you're saying comes from a place of kindness -- you want people to move on from the trauma in their past. Maybe you even want people with anger towards all men to give men another chance.
I understand that mindset, but it dismisses the idea that many people (myself included) don't feel safe around men. That's not to say that I think all men are unsafe; it is only to say that I don't know which men are safe. I have been hurt enough times by men that I am not going to feel comfortable talking to, interacting with, or even being near men.
I agree that people need to process past trauma. However, when so much of my trauma has been caused by men behaving in ways that are socially acceptable, then I'm going to continue avoiding them...
...unless they find ways to make me feel safe around them. I have many men in my life who make me feel safe around them.
You might think that's unfair, and if so, I AGREE WITH YOU! But that's not the fault of the person who's avoiding men -- they have good reason to be cautious. The problem is social, and it can be fixed by men showing they are safe where many other men have proven not to be.
@HappySpecter,
Thank you for sharing this so openly… I really respect your honesty 🌿
I understand what you are trying to say. It’s not that you think all men are unsafe… it’s that you don’t know who is safe, and that uncertainty itself can feel very uncomfortable. After going through hurt multiple times, it makes sense that you would choose to protect yourself.
If my post felt like I was asking people to just move on or give chances again, then I’m really sorry… that was not my intention at all. I was not trying to ignore the feeling of safety. I understand that feeling safe comes first, before anything else.
What you said about your experiences also feels very real. When something happens again and again, it naturally builds fear and distance. And avoiding situations or people to protect yourself is not wrong… it’s a way of taking care of your own peace.
I also agree with you that trust cannot be forced. It cannot come just by words. It comes slowly, when someone consistently makes you feel safe through their actions.
And I really appreciate that you shared that there are some men in your life who make you feel safe. That shows it’s not about hate, it’s about being careful.
Your point about this being a larger social issue also makes sense. It’s not just one person’s fault… it’s something deeper that many people are dealing with.
Thank you again for explaining your side so clearly. It really helped me understand your feelings better, and I’m glad you shared it here 🌼
Yes. My dad is a nice man, but doesn't know how to respect basic boundaries. The only 2 close male friends I had hurt me either by not respecting my romantic boundaries or constant disrespect. It really sucked. However, my cousin is a much better example and he's really great. Also, I do find my heart opening to possibilities of guys being good. I think here's a small guideline of how men need to behave.
Genuinely ask questions to get how the other person is feeling
This goes without saying, but respecting ones own boundaries
Actually taking time to unlearn societal Misogyny and standing up for women
Showing affection and care consistently (If it is a personal relationship)
Of course if someone is a good guy, we can't lay blame on them for how other guys are, that isn't their fault. But they do need to understand, that because of past experiences it will take time to trust, abd that is something they need to be respectful with.
@reservedVase8999,
Thank you for sharing this so openly… I can really understand where you’re coming from 🌿
What you said about your experiences… it really shows how even people who are “good” in general can still hurt us in ways that matter deeply, especially when boundaries are not respected. That can be very difficult to deal with.
At the same time, I really appreciate that you’re still open to seeing the good side… that takes a lot of strength after everything you’ve been through.
And the points you shared… they honestly make a lot of sense. Understanding feelings, respecting boundaries, unlearning certain behaviours, and being consistent… these are such important things in any relationship.
I also agree with what you said about trust taking time. It’s not something that can be expected instantly, it has to grow slowly, and it should be respected.
Thank you again for sharing this so clearly… it really adds a meaningful perspective to this conversation 🌼
You have got to be one of the most kind and understanding men out there in this world! Your thoughtful and eloquent responses to all the others here are truly amazing and should give hope on both sides of the man/woman struggle to break through all the barriers and find comfort and companionship in one another!
I want to add that an experience with one person does not equal the same one with someone else!
I read a book called the gift of fear that I highly recommended especially to women. It teaches you to remember to listen to your inner self and warnings and that your mind usually senses fear or safety long before you comprehend it so remember to trust yourself!
I think that anyone still brave enough to keep looking for connections should go for it! Finding love is a journey for sure!
So take it slow, find common ground, take friends with you on group dates if you are uncomfortable!
Ask the questions that matter and become friends and intimate on an emotional level before you get to that sexual level and I think you all will find more meaningful relationships!
Not judging anyone and not claiming to be an expert!
Just sharing from my own experiences and therapy! Learning where I went wrong and what I could do better and hoping it helps someone else !
Cheers to all of you 🙏🥰🗝️
@purpleField1512,
Thank you so much for your kind words… it really means a lot 🌿
I truly appreciate everything you shared here. What you said about trusting your instincts and taking things slowly feels very real and important. Sometimes we overlook these small things, but they make such a big difference in how we experience relationships.
I also really liked your point about building emotional connection first… that depth is what actually holds things together in the long run.
And the way you shared your own learnings so honestly, without judging anyone… that itself says a lot. I’m sure it will help many people here.
Thank you again for adding so much warmth and wisdom to this space 🤍🌼
Hii. Thank u for acknowledging my feelings. I'm really glad u posted this. And yes, it does take strength to keep seeing the good in other genders even after strong societal divides so I'm glad we are all taking the efforts to unlearn this. I'm glad u found my pointers useful. Again, thank u.
@reservedVase8999,
You are welcome, and thank you too!!
Nice one bro!
@adventurousCake1561,
Thanks for appreciating bro!!
Very eloquently put. A literary masterpiece. 🕉
So True
@affableNectarine5379,
Thank you so much!!
@IamSkyBlueAakash i've always been mad at a man, not all men. i know what it's like when people see one woman doing something or saying something hateful about men and use it as proving that all women are the same. that's why i always try not to group people together. i see people around me using something stupid a person from one political background did to prove that all people associated with that are that way too. hating people is never going to be the answer.
@silvercurtains,
Thank you for sharing this… I really liked the way you explained it 🌿
What you said makes a lot of sense. It’s true… sometimes we see one person’s actions and it slowly turns into a belief about a whole group, and that can create a lot of misunderstanding.
I also appreciate that even after feeling anger, you still choose not to generalise. That takes awareness.
And your point about hate not being the answer… I completely agree. It only makes things heavier, not better.
Thank you for adding this perspective here… it really brings a balanced view to the conversation 🌼
@IamSkyBlueAakash thank you aakashh
@IamSkyBlueAakash
It is really so thoughtful.
Thanks a lot for sharing 😊
@SimplyCompassionate,
Thank you so much… that really means a lot 😊🌿
I’m glad the post connected with you in some way.
