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Very tiring

I'm at work at the moment and I feel horrible.. I just want to go home, cry and curl up on my bed.. just disappear.

I feel hurt in my heart that my therapist is so touchy with me about certain things. I like her but I think for some crazy reasons I ruffle her feathers and she lets me know it in no uncertain terms. I am who I am and I talk as I know how. It was not good enough for our relationship to evolve into a working productive relation.

Three times I sent her over the edge, Then she said that fatal sentence which was. "IT IRRITATES HER FOR SOMEONE TO FAKE A RELATIONSHIP. I was never fake with anything I said. That has torn me up inside to have such a statement made to me.

I will never again try therapy. I will never unpack those bags again. I will put them back in my closet and let them die with me. Never again will I unlock that door to reach out for help. I am done. No Mor So-Called Professional help

It has been a trying year. I think I've had more bad days and blah days than nice days. I've lost more people and been more rejected this year than all of my life.

I'm not sure why or how I keep doing it.

With the winter coming, I will need as much mental help as I can get.

I relapsed today. I'm starting to think I'll never get better

i can feel my eating disorder getting worse again.....im having a relapse night and i hate my body so much right now.i dont fit into my favourite jeans anymore and i just need to lose weight and i dont understand why i cant lose weight when all i do is workout and barely eat..

I am manic today, which cause me to become very angry. I hate being angry for no reason.

I feel I am stuck in a depressive hole

Im super stressed and anxious and I honestly just want to die right now. I have so many things I need to do and think about. I have an eating disorder so theres that and I feel like Im gaining weight which I dont want to do. Then I have all these tests an assignments I feel like I need to do. Then my friends are trying to plan a trip with me and I basically already said yes but Im not sure I can spend that much money on it or if I even want to go but apparently I always bail on them and I know they will hate me if I do, so I dont know what to do. And this stupid boy who is also one of my best friends is constantly on my mind and hes breaking my heart. I can feel my mood getting worse and I have no energy so I dont know what to do about that

i see this is an old thread but it's fine if this post is never really seen.

everything seems to be going wrong in my life right now and i just can't get a grip on it. i can't even seem to find lasting comfort. i have family and supportive friends. yet, here i am, late at night still in tears. i feel like a bottomless pit of need and i feel like nothing is going to get better.

i gave my 20s to grad school and i am in my early 30s in my 1st postdoc position. it is going so bad, and i wonder why i sacrificed so much...only to end up here. i put up with terrible mentorship throughout grad school thinking it would get better, and i feel so foolish for thinking it would. here, 2 supervisors later and still crappy leadership...why am i here? why am i even doing this?

i have sat for countless nights trying to numb my feelings however i can (bingewatching TV, junk food, alcohol...) or just in such an unsettled state of discomfort awake until the sun comes back up. i didn't used to be like this before i had a full blown anxiety disorder and depression. i used to daydream happily about my life, i could sit and stare at a wall for hours introspecting. i wanted to grow, know myself better and be better.

then, it all got overwhelming, with the terrible feelings that came after a breakdown. i have never really had any desire to face them again. nowadays, after work, i would so much rather bury myself in something to watch, only to find whatever feelings i tried to hide when i try to sleep.

i moved across the country to pursue my career. i live so far from my family...and my partner of 5 years lives far away too. we're on the rocks, and lest you feel sorry for me...we got in a heated fight last night and he has been trying to apologize to me all day. the sick thing is i even feel like i'm glad he's hurting...and it is so not love. what monster am i now? who did i become?

i am in such a dark place. apparently i am hellbent on pushing everything and everyone away. i felt unkindness welling up in me all day...

...and then tonight, for the 1st time in i actually have no idea how long...i turned off the TV and tried to connect with people. i called my mom and it was good. i talked to listeners here (thank you all so much). i enjoyed a show, but then i turned it off...and watching the moonlit night, i just cried.

i finally let it all out, and i still am. i have felt this lump in my stomach for so long, like i needed to cry but couldn't...has anyone else experienced that with depression? it's like you're just such low affect that you can't even really cry...or your anxiety just turns it all into something else.

anyway...it actually feels like such a gift. it feels like i'm actually connecting with the pain. i feel human again.

thanks for letting me share here.