Conversation Carriers- but better? 🥰
Hey hey everyone, if you’re up for it?
Let us dive into something we all experience pretty much daily: the "How are you?" dance. You know the one! It's that well-meaning, almost automatic exchange that can sometimes feel... well, a bit like a conversational cul-de-sac (I learned a new phrase lol), right? On the one hand, it's lovely that we have these little social rituals to acknowledge each other. A quick "How are you doing?" can be a perfectly fine, light way to kick things off. But let's be honest, how often does it elicit a truly insightful, heartfelt response? More often than not, it's the "Fine, thanks, you?" autopilot kicking in. (I’m actually accepting of it too, I do it too at times specially on my listener account understandably)
However, It can feel monotonous, like a script we're all reading from. And here's a thought: for someone going through a rough patch, that seemingly innocuous question can sometimes feel surprisingly vulnerable. Suddenly, they're on the spot. Do they unload their genuine, perhaps messy, feelings onto an unsuspecting acquaintance? Or do they just stick to the “script”? It can be a mini-dilemma! This is where the magic of “open-ended questions” comes in!
Asking something a little more specific, a little more thoughtful, can be such a game-changer, I feel. It signals that you're genuinely interested and ready to listen.
Think about the difference between "How are you?" and "What's been the most interesting part of your week so far?" or "What's something that made you smile recently?". See how the latter invites a story, a detail, a little piece of their actual life? It’s like opening a door instead of just peeking through the keyhole. Checking in on people in a way that shows you *actually* care can be incredibly powerful.
Now, why don't people always spill the beans, even when we ask more thoughtfully? There are a ton of reasons I feel, to name a few common ones that I’ve noticed-
The Don't Want to Burden You Syndrome: Many folks are incredibly considerate and worry about bogging others down with their problems.
The Keep it Light Social Contract: Sometimes the setting just doesn't feel right for a deep dive. We're conditioned to keep many public interactions pleasant and breezy.
Privacy, Please!: Not everyone wants to share personal details, and that's perfectly okay. They might be private individuals, or just not ready to talk about certain things.
The Spotlight Swerve: Some people are masters of deflection! They might be uncomfortable with attention, or perhaps they're just more interested in hearing about *you*. (#relates)
So, they'll answer briefly and expertly turn the question back around.
Orrr any xyz other reasons why people don’t want to/ cannot even if they want to.
Soooooo, this brings us to the fun (maybe even a little transformational) part! If "How are you?" can be a bit of a conversational flat tire, and even our best open-ended questions sometimes get a polite sidestep, what are some other brilliant, fun, and genuinely caring ways we can connect and check in with each other? I'd love to hear your thoughts and brilliant ideas!
What are some of your go-to questions or conversation starters that help you move beyond the superficial and really connect with someone?
What makes a question feel thoughtful and engaging to you? Something that you would want to reply honestly to?
Let's brainstorm some alternatives!
Maybe things like: "What's been on your mind lately?" "Working on anything exciting?" "What are you looking forward to this week/month?" "Read any good books or watched anything amazing recently?" "What's one small win you've had lately?"
The goal isn't to interrogate or put someone on the spot, but to invite connection in a way that feels authentic and respectful. Let's create a I dunno “pool” of questions that spark joy, curiosity, and genuine sharing! 💛
A little side note, “how are you?” questions when asked with the most genuine intent and by someone who actually listens and responds to it, can be extremely wholesome and connection-sparking too. But since it doesn’t hurt to keep our alternatives open and be more thoughtful~ What are *your* conversation-starter/carrier-gems? Share below please! 💛
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou
this is such a good topic, Sun, and so relevant to what we aim to do here in fostering meaningful conversations. some of my go-tos: "how have you been/how are you holding up?" "what are your weekend plans?" "what's been bringing you joy lately?"
Aw I’m so happy to hear you find it relevant too, H! 💖
Those are some wonderful go-tos!
Sometimes even adding “today” can bring about more context and meaning I feel, “how are you doing today?” Or even just a “how’s your day going so far?”; I think!
More ideas are always welcome! 🫂 @Heather225
@Heather225
@KindKitty2213 so true!
I've been struggling alot lately!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Not been they greatest for me emotionally right now I've been lots going on in life ❤️❤️❤️
@LovelyFrog8934
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou
i am no listener but hi, how have you been? Is superior in comparison to hi, how are you?
Signifying it’s not just the common greeting, that you want to know beyond the present moment. Conveys actual desire to know beyond surface level.
it makes people actually reflect on their lives even if momentarily if the question comes across sincere.
The automatic social autopilot response is disrupted somewhat… building something to work from.
no listener though, so just an idea.
@LabeledBPD
Hey hey, thanks for sharing. I feel, one doesn’t need to be in the role of a listener to carry conversations more thoughtfully and mindfully.
Strictly speaking about just 7 cups now, I’ve seen countless times where members have been amazing in connecting with fellow members, growing a connection and carrying really insightful, “whole-hearted” conversations that have a two way street from both people involved in asking open ended questions and responding thoughtfully, in a way that has more meaning, more substance, more warmth. Leading conversations to connect instead of just blanket-replying to a generic question asked.
I’ve also noticed how the same question similar phrasing can “feel” different from two different people, so there’s multiple factors too, the rapport, the tonality, any previous experience or consideration from the person etc. Beyond any roles or tags (of course following guidelines is a non-negotiable for everyone hehe) for any of us here, I feel there’s much to learn from one another. 🥰
So I appreciate your point of view here about how certain phrasing encourages more reflection for the one responding, and agree that the “sincerity” and intent too plays a big role. More ideas are always welcome! 💛
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou I honestly go with :I'm alrighties , or if I'm not feeling alright or feeling upset about smth I say : Could've been better , this helps me share my feelings much better than I'm fine or I'm okay or maybe if I use I'm fine I use these sillies because they're cute (≧▽≦) (*´ω｀*)
⊂(･ω･*⊂) so yah that's pretty much it!
and if you were talking about when talking to members I think I do the same or maybe ask them how do they feel .,. idk if I understood the whole point of this post wrong but yah
@AgentPuffball420
Haha no worries, I appreciate your adorable response still.
I’d recommend reading through the post again~ if you’d like to extract more insight from it and answer the discussion questions mentioned in the post too.
However to give you a gist, the post was mainly about how most of us here typically ask each other “how are you?” whether to fellow members or listeners, and how at times it may elicit a very generic “fine thanks, you?” kinda response from the person, which lacks meaning often and the conversation can fall-flat pretty soon.
So through my post, I’m inviting people to share what other open ended questions they usually ask someone to know about them more or carry a conversation more meaningfully, more mindful, more thoughtful alternatives of “how are you?” questions for our peers here that we can ask them to connect more deeply and more genuinely.
Does that help bring more clarity for you? Let me know if you need me to explain anything else here okie. 💛
The “sillies” are so cute though lol, Nova! And I appreciate your different responses to when someone asks you about how you are doing! Thankieees for sharing! 🫂
@Phoenixthepoised Oh wow I love the three variants of “alright”, “great” and “bad” here~ thanks for sharing your gems!
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou Thank you! 😊 It’s wild how just swapping out a few words can turn “meh” small talk into a real conversation, right?
@Phoenixthepoised you conveyed the entire point of this post with this one statement here! Exactly! It’s a game changer with what we ask, how we phrase it and the response after.
@Phoenixthepoised True hehe and thank youuu for your insightful responses as always! 💖
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou Always, my pleasure😇
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou a bit loney
Hi there @Mrtophat64 welcome to the community. Have you tried reaching out to listeners in 1-1 chats here for emotional support? I hope you can find a compassionate company here. 🌞
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou yeh but I don't wanna bother them you know what I mean every one is nice here :3
@Mrtophat64
I understand the hesitations and it’s okay to take your time in exploring around more and opening up at your pace.
People who have signed up to be a listener here are readily open to listen and support those reaching out to them, and they “want” to support you, so you’re not a bother at all. 7 cups is that place for us here, where we can all feel a little more seen, a little more heard and a little more supported than anywhere else~ like you mentioned with people being nice here, they really are~ one of the most compassionate bunch of people truly!
Feel free to browse for available active listeners here- https://www.7cups.com/BrowseListeners/ and reach out to them when you’re ready. 🌞
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou thank you, this is lovely :) I don't know what it is, but most of the time we say we are fine when inside we are screaming and we just want someone to notice, and reach out to us! We need more communication and more effort I think :)
@Amanda84 That’s true, many people aren’t use to being the one talking and sharing about themselves, not as comfortable in opening up or being seen as “vulnerable”~ more effective communication and thoughtful effort can bridge some of this gap for sure and we can all make it a little easier for the other person to drop all masks and be more comfortable expressing how they really feel. :)
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou exactly, we can expect people to be mindful readers 💜🥰
What a thoughtful and enlightening post! I loved reading your analysis and the answers in this thread.
I guess culture (in an anthropologist's sense) has a role in this.
In my country, asking “How are you?” has a useful ambiguity, and the receiver can choose which meaning to use, the more formal hello or the literal “tell me”.
So, on one hand, it might be interpreted just as part of the “hello” and a mild expression of caring for that person. And can be replied at the same level with “Fine, and you?”. This is considered a perfectly ok, warm, friendly interaction. We have permission to lie in the reply because we are not really answering the question but participating in a ritual of mutual recognition. Both parties understand this and we would not feel offended if the person said “Fine” and we know it’s not true. And the receiver doesn’t feel pressured at all to reveal their true situation.
On the other hand, it might be interpreted by the receiver as an invitation to share how things are really going. So if they feel like it, they might take the opportunity to share their current troubles or achievements, how they really feel. The reply might start like “Truth is that…”
I do use this convention, particularly with people I don't know closely. I also use a similar “Everything ok?” or “How are things going?”.
Venturing outside this conventional space with more creative questions like “What’s the best that happened to you last week?”, “What are you looking forward to…?”, “What are your plans…?”, “What’s in your mind”, etc. might be perceived as weird or intrusive. Those can’t be answered with an easy, mutually complicitous fake “fine”. They require revealing something. Once our interlocutor has shared something significant though, we might ask for more details, questioning in ways that might resemble this kind of specific “real questions”.
For people I know and have confidence with, I might ask (immediately after “how are you”) for something specific I know they are involved in. For example, “How is this semester going in College?”, “How was your trip?”, “How did that xx issue turned out?”, or asking about their family. Ideally, things with high probability of a positive answer. This way, I show them I am aware of what’s going on in their lives, that I care about their concerns, and I have them present in my mind.
Thank you again, Sun for your thought-provoking post and such a great analysis, dissecting every aspect of this interesting topic!
@HealingTalk
This conversation has been so insightful, Marcelo, thanks a lot for sharing your views! Diverse perspectives are always welcome- for people need not agree on everything always but if they are willing to keep an open mind they may end up learning something new— which is what I enjoy most! 🥰
That’s sooo spot on! I’ve noticed similarly where I am too and I feel most of it does come from the “societal construct” ~ ways to be socially-polite. (A major part of this that I dislike most is irrelevant small talk- I’d much rather share the space in silence with a stranger than have that stranger make unnecessary small talk with me that they aren’t even interested in- if somebody’s actually invested in it and making an effort to initiate a genuine conversation that’s different but I guess being an observant person sometimes has it “downs” lol an inbuilt “fake-detector” if you ask me xD and id always consider people being authentically-“awkward”- if others in the society make it seem so over fake-social-butterflies)
Love the socio-cultural aspect here, I'm curious now, have you noticed any other subtle cultural differences in how people initiate or maintain conversations that you find particularly interesting hehe?
Your reply offered a fascinating cultural lens to the "How are you?" exchange, highlighting its useful ambiguity in your country as both a formal greeting and an invitation to share. This "permission to lie" in the polite "Fine, and you?" struck a chord, as it perfectly explains how “comfort” is maintained in social interactions without pressure. It's a stark contrast to the "mini-dilemma" I described, showing how different cultural norms can shape conversational dynamics.
Oh and you so you astutely pointed out that more open-ended questions can sometimes be perceived as "weird or intrusive" if they can't be easily answered with a conventional "fine," underscoring the deep-seated nature of social contracts. (It does depend though, it’s obviously not a socially-cool thing to run up to a stranger and ask them about the last time they felt like their world was crashing down— but with people we are more familiar with, I think even the “vulnerable” seeming questions can sometimes be a great setup for a wholesome bonding time— getting to know a person deeper—- “emotionally and thoughtfully unmasking each other because you feel safe enough to do that with them”)
Your strategy of asking specific, informed questions to those you know well—like inquiring about their semester or a recent trip—is truly spot on. This approach also demonstrates genuine awareness and care, effectively conveying "I see you, I remember what's important to you, and I care" without putting anyone on the spot, which was precisely the essence I hoped to capture as well hehe!
Again wow, thanks for your valuable insight, truly love hearing your thoughts and sneaking a peek at your experiences! 💛
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou
It's a very interesting and fun topic, Sunshine! 🌞💖ღ(´͈ ᵕ `͈ ღ)💗
As an introvert, me often reply “I'm okay” or “okayish” because I don't want to talk about the difficulties I faced, because I feel that discussing it may relieve our emotions and soothing us, but then it may make us ‘accepting it’ or be at peace with the situation instead of taking steps to change it. (*´◡`*)💗
Some thought on conversation starters:
What are some of your go-to questions or conversation starters that help you move beyond the superficial and really connect with someone? (◕◡◕)
I would ask:
“How's your weekend? Did you do anything fun?” (∩˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ∩)💗
What makes a question feel thoughtful and engaging to you? Something that you would want to reply honestly to? ٩( ᐖ )۶💗
I assume this is between friends, so, if there is a follow-up question after getting the answer on the first one, then I would consider they genuinely want to know how we are doing. (◍•ᴗ•◍)💗
Ps. Most of the letters color in typing is blue because the color of the Cookie Monster 🍪👻 is blue ૮ ˙Ⱉ˙ ა🍪
@VictoriaLove7
Yay thank youuu for responding, Vic, appreciate your insights always! 🫂
I can relate with being an introvert and keeping the detail-sharing to the minimum unless truly required or feel like it hehe!
I’ve to confirm something though, in case I misunderstood? “…..but then it may make us ‘accepting it’ or be at peace with the situation instead of taking steps to change it.” —- what makes “accepting” or being at peace with the situation a wrong thing or an obstacle in sharing how you feel with people?
Because I’ve always thought that to be able to take steps towards something (which indeed should be the goal, when you have an actionable-problem at hand)- one must first acknowledge and accept that indeed there is something X and that is affecting us Y ways and there needs to be Z actions taken to curb it!
Without acceptance there’s no action, I feel! For instance, if I accidentally touch a hot vessel, I’ll have to acknowledge that it is hot and that it hurt my fingers to be able to take the actionable step of removing my finger from it and applying an ointment or something to alleviate the pain!
Similarly, if I was given a project to finish before a deadline, without acknowledging there’s one and without accepting why it’s important or why I need to work on it, I’d likely not be able to plan out an action-strategy to work things through and meet the deadline!
Considering this in almost any space in life, I feel acceptance will always come before action! And there’s nothing wrong with making peace too, sometimes that’s essential to be able to accept a situation fully, learn our lessons, and move forward from it, welcoming better experiences and opportunities for ourselves!
What do you think? 😮
Asking about weekend and if there was anything fun can be a great conversation starter for weekends. How about weekdays though? :p
Oooh I love that about follow up questions, awesome point you’ve brought up, Vicc! Follow up questions are the best way to show that you’ve actually listened or payed attention to something, it feels so nice to be asked one or when someone who cares about us inquires about an update on something we last mentioned to them! Definitely helps building a stronger rapport too! 🥰
Hehe thank youuu for the observations and the little kaomojis (hope I spelled right lol) - they are so adorable always! 💖
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou
Sunshineee 🌞💖⊂(ᵔ◡ᵔ⊂)💗 *huggless tightttt*🤗💗
Me thinks “accepting” or being at peace with the situation makes my mind feel at peace with it and not doing anything about it. Because I can live with it. ヽ(ヅ)ノ💗
For example, in my current situation, I got no job and live with my often (at least 50% of the time) verbally abusive dad who treats me more like an employee than his daughter (He'd reprimanded me harshly when I made mistakes, when he thinks I made a mistake, when I forgot some things, and when he doesn't get what he wants, he would take out his frustration on me). ( ˃̣̣̥⌓˂̣̣̥ )
Ps. Yusss, it's spelled kaomojis (plural of kaomoji) o(^▽^)o💗
@VictoriaLove7
Thanks for sharing that example, Vic, I really appreciate you being open about your situation. It is incredibly tough, and I can totally see why you'd want to avoid anything that might make you feel 'at peace' with such difficult circumstances, especially when you're dealing with verbal and emotional abusive behaviours from your father and the stress of unemployment adding to the mess.
It makes a lot of sense that you'd want to maintain that drive to change things.
From what you're saying, it sounds like you're worried that if you allow yourself to feel peaceful about the situation, even for a moment, it might dull your edge or make you less motivated to actually do something about your job search or your living situation. Is that right? 💖
You're concerned that accepting the reality of it might lead to resigning yourself to it, instead of fighting for something better?
I can definitely understand that fear. My perspective on “acceptance”, though, is a bit different, and it's not about becoming “okay” with being mistreated or with not having a job, or anything xyz going wrong in our lives.
It's more about acknowledging the painful reality of it without letting the emotions overwhelm you to the point where you can't think clearly about solutions or potentially a better alternate reality.
For example, when you acknowledge the hurt your dad's words cause, or the stress of not having a job, it's not about saying 'this is fine.' Or “things are fine nothing to make a fuss about.”
It's about saying 'this is hard, and it's impacting/ affecting me.' ~ this is acceptance for me!
Sometimes, when we can truly face how something is affecting us, that clarity actually frees up energy that was tied up in resisting or pushing those feelings away. That freed-up energy can then be channeled into planning your next steps, whether that's looking for jobs, finding support, or strategizing how to create a more independent future for yourself~ like in your situation here.
What do you think about that idea? Does seeing acceptance as a way to clarify what needs to be done, rather than a way to become passive, resonate at all?
Sending more hugs your way, it’s okay to think differently and find your pace along the way of navigating your life ~ know that I’m always rooting for you, no matter what! 🫂💖
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou this dive is pretty long and i just woke up... mark for later
Lol sure @wittyDay6425 hope later arrives soon, would love to hear your thoughts too! :)
