Member and Moderator Relationships

Good postand good links too! It's important to have them saved somewhere, just incase!!

I think at some point, every member/guest will cause an issue at some point. It's important to recognize why this is.

When someone comes to this site as a member/guest, they need support. Most likely (aside from the small percentage of trolls) they're having a really rough time and just want to feel like someone is going to pay attention or listen. Now, in1-1sthis can happen really easily, as long as you connect with a decent listener. However, in the group rooms it's not so easy.

As soon as you put 10-20 individuals with different personalities and needs who all want support of some kind into one room, you're going to have conflict. When we're hurting we lash out a lot easier. It makes it even easierwhen it's through the internet.

As a moderator its importantto recognize that the member/guest is struggling and this is still a support site, even in the welcome room. Being empathetic, kind and caring. Give them as little reason as possible to start a conflict.

Whati'venoticed a couple moderators do is simply say'XX, language!!!'or'XX, go to teen support!'

This creates an opportunity for conflict.I understand sometimes when we're chatting to multiple people whilemoddingit can become difficult to keep up and make messages longer but making members/guests feel supported is our main purpose here and that should be the thing you focus on whilemodding.By sending a message like my example it can make the member feel like you don't care, aren't interested or even attacking them. This may not be how you intend to come across but when someone is feeling vulnerable, everything is important.

Instead, sending something like'XX, please refrain from attempting to get around the censor or using any inappropriate language as it can really offend andhurt other participants,we want everyone to feel comfortable here! thank you! :)' can make a huge difference. In this message, you explain which rule has been broken and why its a rule in a kind and gentle way.

Thatsjust my take anyway. Obviously, not every conflict is a mods fault. However as mods it's our responsibility to handle these conflicts and stop them disrupting the chatroomor becoming a huge issue. Personally though,I notice wheni'mperhaps not in the best mindset and mymoddinggets sloppy,thatswhen most of the issues and conflictsarise whereas wheni'mfully focused on thechatroomand it's participants, everything flows better.

Maybe everyone already knows this, but I'm just commenting to say that, in rare cases, muting without warning is okay. But only for extreme situations.

For example., you could mute without warning someone who entered the room and said, "Hey, ****, you **** **** ***. I *** your *** **** on top of a **** **** ****. I've never seen a more *** *** website and such a *** ***** **** group of ********. By the way, MadeUpMemberName, you're so ********** ugly, a dog wouldn't date you. And by the way, **** **** ***** *** ***** ******."

If the member's behavior is so outrageously bad that you can safely assume that he or she would not change behavior in response to a warning, you can mute without giving the warning.

That said, these are rare cases. This is the exception to the rule.

I have experienced this personally, and it was simply a case of asking people to slow down and to give consideration to those who are sharing their stories; and I got rebuked. It seemed as though I aggravated some more when I asked them not to ignore those who are sharing and to perhaps offer a few comments of support towards the person.

My Feelings: Well, my initial reaction is that of anger. I swear that I wanted to yell 'OFF WITH THEIR HEADS' to those who were needing lots of attention and pity, and who were turning the situation around as though I was bullying them.

How I handled it: I took many deep breathes, and gave each individual that was being aggravated the attention they needed. I reminded them what room they are in, and that we too would love to hear them share their story with us. I made my point clearly that the reason that I am doing this, is so that everyone gets the attention they deserve, even the ones who were feeling offended.

I never: threaten them with a mute / ban. Please need to vent out their frustration and it's alright. I needed to feel my reaction, and that's alright. The whole place is for healing and for them to be heard, and it's alright! Even Resistance is Good. Actually it's very healthy. Shows they have bonded, and are coming here for a reason, so I try my very best not to tell people off.

The way we handle uncomfortable situations in a chat group, is indirectly teaching the members how to deal and handle conflict. It's Okay. Do not be alarmed by it.

DO reach out for your own support. Do find a place where to vent and get it off your chest if it helps you to set aside your reactive emotion in order to still be able to listen to the people who are in the group.

Group moderation takes a lot of energy and concentration, and while I do know that not many Moderators are online at a time, I do suggest that it's always best partnering up with another. 6 people + can be a real handful.

[Side note and thoughts ~ It might be the case that people are forming groups/gangs and that they get carried away with each other and ignore others. ~ I've noticed that members are creating listener accounts just so that they can personal message each other, and that might be creating these 'tight knit' groups.]

Nevertheless, It's a wonderful challenge and a beautiful opportunity to understand what triggers you! And to work on your skills on how to be kind while being assertive. :)

Good luck!

Amazing post

I'd like to make a couple of suggestions:

Read the Moderater Manual...again and again.

^^^^^^^^ Chatroom Rules......^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Please get into the conversation before making assumptions about what people are talking about and if it is breaking a rule or not.

Asking people nicely to read the Chatroom Rules orplease be supportive etc. instead of saying, "I'm warning you", or "This is your X warning" is much more effective in most cases.

When someone is disruptive several times under different IP addresses, sometimes it is useful to rally the group into trying to love the "troll" into leaving because they aren't getting the response they are looking for.

If a group gets large and moves fast, it's a GREAT idea to team up with another Mod to try to get everyone heard.

If you see a newer Mod or don't know them, please introduce yourself in a PM, thank them for being here and offer support as this is not an easy position.

I'm sure there is much more and I'm looking forward to further suggestions. I'd like to also suggest a Mod Availability Schedule so we don't find ourselves all in one room during some times and the only Mod available in all rooms other times.

@Maku or any Forum or Moderator Mentor.... I stumbled on this site and see many missing names. Can we find a way to get all of us involved in this great posting? Thanks!

@maku oops on that one..

Great post, so important! Thanks for directing me here @AutumnLeigh

I wasn't tagged, but I'd like to comment anyway! I've found a really helpful strategy is to treat them politely, kindly, but still be assertive in what you're saying. Having the badge is inconsequential because we're all the same--the only discernable difference is that we are choosing to not share our troubles with the group. Empathizing with people that may be acting out works really well in showing them that, hey, you're human, too, what a funny coincidence! Many, many, many times, arguments that come up aren't bad or wrong or even disruptive--it's just the way they're presented and the emotional aspect that makes things complicated. If you try to understand where they're coming from, it can go a long way (even and especially if you don't agree!).

Many of the encounters I've had where people are acting out are a result of an accumulation of events--it's mostly not directed at me, and that's okay! They're more than welcome to express their opinions and vent--it's what the rooms are for, after all! If the situation is getting out of hand and distracting from the purpose of the chat, I'll invite them to PM me to discuss it further if they would like to, but warn that I'll stop responding at that point to continue supporting others. Some people are understandably upset, and muting is the only option to getting the chatroom back into a more stable state. I'm really happy to say that of those that do PM me, either in the moment or later, to talk, I've been able to work with those people and come to some sort of agreement--maybe not an amicable one (as @Aventurin says, much cursing and exclamations of frustration on my part sometimes), but we're able to understand each other to a point where it's not spitting and hissing levels!

The good news is that a lot of people are reasonable and misunderstood, and if you give them a chance, they can surprise you! I've had several situations where muting or giving warnings resulted in my listening to them 1-1 and fostering friendships with those "troublesome" individuals!

Tl;dr: communication is awesome.

thanks for the post! and @AutumnLeigh thank you for letting me know of this post in the forum.

My views on this, yes, I have seen mods being looked upon as "bad cops" ( someone did say that once in the room when I was around). It could be the experience they have had in the past with some of us here that make them generalise. There were times, when I felt I am being targeted just for having "moderator" after my name. BUT things are a lot better for me now. I dont see many taunts in the room for mods as I did before. so YAYYY for all of us.

Agree on the warnings part. I have seen people get offensive when they are asked to follow rules. They feel, we try to impose the rules on them just because we think we have "powers". I understand members/guests being mean or rude to moderators, as they tend to come to the site hoping to vent out and they do not know how things work ( guests especially). However, personally what disappoints me most is when our fellow listeners are in the rooms and get involved in talks that can cause chaosin the rooms. Virtual groupism and favouritism is yet another thing I have noticed, wherein mods/listeners along with old members kind of gang up against an existing or new memeber/guest.

To sum it in a nut shell, I think we, first as listeners , irrespective of whether you are a mod or not need to be patient and abide by the site policy. We need to understand, being a moderator gives us more responsibility to protect the site and its user and not powers to be misused. Stay neutral, stay positive and together we can do it.

*sorry about the lengthy post and if I kind of went off track*

@JennaHere, @pm229, @shikaa216,@vasishta, @Kash219... tagging you guys as I know you are mods too!