Bullying in Group Support

We must all be united to prevent bullies in our community!

Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. – Plato

Wrong is wrong even if everyone is doing it. Right is right even if no is doing it. – St. Augustine

Stand up and say no to Bullying. A simple message to people who like to bully : The power or popularity you gain is not worth it cause it is earned by inflicting pain on another . Respect and be kind to yourself cause you are a lovable and caring human being. You are blessed with two natural qualities: compassion and understanding, so give them your voice and support. Be that worthy person when you look at yourself in the mirror.

Sooo on point finally this has been noticed and unfortunately it has gone out of control .Hopefully this gonna change

I was here,trying to help,and i was just like "Hy,how are you" , and dude just wrote me "I hate you,you little piece of s*** "...I am confused now...

While I really appreciate this post and whole heartedly support and endorse the idea I think we need to discuss the reality of "bullying" in chat rooms.

I've been involved in chat rooms pretty much since the internet began from general social type chats to specific theme structured chats and I've found that the key to reduce any type of bullying involves a few steps. These include:

1. Very specific guidelines for chat. - There is a reason lawyers exist. General rules are great but unless constant guidance is provided to moderators, general rules leave a lot of wiggle room for people to make personal calls, which in the case of these chat rooms may result in all sorts of complaints like mods playing favorites or certain chatters allowed to get away with the same disruptive behavoir because a mod has given them a pass on it.

2. Everyone has to be held to the same set of guidelines no matter what- no exceptions. Rules only work if everyone is expected to follow them.

3. Moderators have to be transparent- people need to feel they can question a ruling otherwise mods can be seen as some horrible authority figure which can lead to bullying of the mods or can undermine their authority.

4. People need to be held responsible for their own behavior- I don't mean victim blaming, but apart from obvious trolls who come in to cause trouble- bullying involves two people and there are cases when the one crying out "bully" may not be as innocent as they think themselves to be and it's up to the mods to make the final call.

The thing is with 7cups being a unique chatroom environment I don't know if these conditions can work and still achieve what you want to provide here.

These chat rooms have been set up to deal with people in crisis and tend to attract people who, through no fault of their own, are already feeling sensitive, vulnerable, alone etc. In this forum alone we have had discussions about handling sensitive chatters etc. So this leads to the question - can we really hold everyone to the same set of rules while still providing a supportive environment to even the most sensitive chatter?

Take this scenerio for example: Chatter A and Chatter B are regulars of a room. Chatter A has realized she doesn't really click with Chatter B and while she doesn't feel she needs to mute chatter B, she feels its best for both of them not to engage. Chatter A is chatting in the room with some people when Chatter B arrives. Chatter A acknowledges them but continues their conversation with the rest of the room. Chatter B notices they aren't receiving the same about of attention from Chatter A as others and complains. Despite others in the room giving Chatter B attention, they feel left out and now Chatter A feels even more annoyance towards B and as a result of the constant demand for her attention lashes out a B. Who's bullying who here though? Is A being unfair to B by distancing herself or is she doing the right thing because she knows B and her have conflicting personalities?

Example two: Chatter D always comes in at the same time of day into a room. It's usually a slower chat time and they know the regulars at that time and everyone gets along great with attention and support shared equally. He then decides to log in at a later time when the room is very busy with lots of new people and different regulars coming in. For some reason his posts seem to be getting ignored or missed. He continues to attempt to engage the room but ends up feeling frustrated and left out and leaves the chat feeling worse then when he came in. Has he been bullied?

These situations might seem extreme but I've been witness to people getting angry at other chat members and accusing them of being mean or cruel over very incidental slights. A real life example of this was when a regular got upset and felt they were being unfairly judged and compared to others in the room simply because another chatter, in an attempt to cheer another chatter up declared them "the nicest in the room". Despite the other chatters, including the original person who made the statement, trying desperately to explain that it was a figure of speech and the person who said it hadn't actually taken the time to personally judge the entire room, the injured party would not let it go and insisted they were being treated unfairly simply by that statement. As a result the entire chatroom felt frustrated and angry and all supportive conversation stopped while people were trying to get the injured party to move on.

The point I'm trying to make is some hard lines need to be drawn if we want to reduce bullying in 7cups and they may come at the expense of some of the very people this room is trying to help. However that being said I think it needs to be done. While it would be great is we could heap infinite patience and coddle every chatter that comes in, if you want to maintain functioning rooms, that's just not possible.

We need more mods, and we need mods to accept that they are authority figures and that means sometimes that they can't always be friends with chatters, looking the other way for some while being harsh on others. Mods also have to accept that there can be people in crisis who are also causing more harm then good in the group setting. I've seen some great mods try and contact people like this and suggest they would find more benefit in one on one chatting, but again not often enough and not with enough consistancy for people to get the message. And we need mod transparency. As a result of over zealous mods combined with mods with a more casual view of the rules, a lot of the regulars don't respect or even acknowledge the authority these mods do have which makes them pretty much useless when dealing with any issue in chat rooms.

I honestly feel if these changes don't occur, all the quotes and forum posts in the world aren't going to make any serious effect on reducing bullying in the room. No matter how well intentioned.

Let me start this with complete understanding I AM NOT PLACING BLAME ON PEOPLE WHO ARE VICTIMS OF BULLYING.

But laying out a blanket statement that we need to stop bulling, while a great intention, is an almost impossible task. Why don't we cure cancer and balance the budget this week to? Would that not be great? HECK YEAH! But for the life of me I don't see an easy answer.

Where I rather our energy and problem solving be focused on is helping the victim. Providing strategies for the next time it happens. Providing a warm sympathetic ear. Giving them direct contact to the "powers that be" so they feel they were taken seriously and someone really does care. I see this in "real life" all the time. I have a nephew in preschool. I can't force his classmates to follow my rules. All I can do is make sure he has the coping skills to deal with it if it happens to him. (or punish him until 18 if he is the bully).

I wish I could stop all bad things happening to all people. Bullying, abuse, rape whatever the horrible issue is. But I learned a long time ago that just IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. I don't think you stop trying. I am not saying that either. All I am saying is polio was (almost) wiped off the face of Earth not by battling it directly, but rather giving every body the tools to survive. I don't know if you need a bullying hotline (email) or dedicated mods to investigate all accusations. Whatever the answer it needs to send the message to the victim, not the knucklehead bully who doesn't give a rats bootie anyway.

I definitely think this issue is a cause for concern and that the we as the 7 cups community should also take this as a lesson for ourselves to be able to be more aware of these happenings and not be scared to step in and fight for what is right when we see such happenings again. I believe that the 7 cups staff has also been doing their best to handle this situation as best as they can. Thank you!

dont you ever understand there are bullies in depression support room ,all they do there soon as i try and speak is press the stupid refer button and start hearting comments agaisnt me ,its a friends only room ,you do nothing whatsoever about it nothing ,every nice person i knew here has left now and youve got a bunch who think its cool to be nasty cruel and mean .

Rule breakers carry their own agendas which are basically selfish and uncaring. Internet bullies try to build a cabal and then prey on the rest, this is something that happens in real life too. The good thing about the internet is that one can always use the mute button. I would also like to thank 7 Cups for keeping private messaging restricted to Listeners and Mods. This feature has been used by internet bullies to start gossip campaigns targeting people.

Haven't seen a single instance of this happening but if it is it needs to stop.