The Wise Nerd's Space for Lingering Thoughts 💜

Right now, it's around midnight, and there's a lot of thoughts lingering in my mind. I'm mainly thinking about school. I transferred to an online, asynchronous platform for this school year due to the Covid pandemic, and it's pretty stressful. It's difficult to feel motivated to do school work, since I don't have set deadlines or teachers to prompt us. It's completely self-study, and I'm worried that I'm falling behind. I've been working pretty hard, and it's been difficult to stay positive and focused. However, being on 7 Cups had really helped me connect with others, and sort through my thoughts.

Throughout my academic career, I haven't made lasting friendships. It kind of feels like everyone would abandon me as we grow up, and it's really difficult. As a growing teen, I know how important it is to have lasting connections with others. But, I've never really had the time or determination to create those kinds of relationships. I know how it's negatively impacting me, since I can't spend time with my peers due to academic priorities and my current situation with asynchronous learning.

The only people who I really interact with offline and on a daily basis are my parents, and we have a pretty rocky relationship. I love them, don't get me wrong, but sometimes, their over protectiveness and consistent arguing can be too much. I have a really close relationship with my mom, and she has really been supportive of me for as long as I can remember. She can be pretty strict sometimes, but she is really caring and is always there for me. Especially with this new school format, I have been able to rely on her for emotional support.

On the other hand, it's been pretty difficult to connect with my dad on that kind of level. His habits, such as chewing loudly and eating consistently, really put me on edge. It's really stressful as it is, and he doesn't even try to help me out as my mom does. When he's in the house, it feels like he's just being lazy and not doing anything productive at all. He works as a math teacher at a university, and he doesn't get paid very much. However, my mom works as an engineer in the electric grid, and she's the one who's able to support us financially due to her high wages. To be honest, I love my dad, but I just wish he was more respectful and decent to be around.

This is really all I have to say for now, and you can see that my life is crazy right now. However, I'm trying my best to do more self-care, and to focus more on my academic and personal life. It's quite a challenge so far, but I'm persevering! I know that there is the light at the end of the tunnel, but there are some bumps that I have to overcome first before I can embrace it's glimmering beam. 💜

Thanks for listening! I appreciate you all for being here! 😊

🙈 Wow, I just realized I haven’t used this thread in around 3 months!

I’m probably going to start using it again because writing down my thoughts have really helped me lately, and I want to share them with all of you! 💕

You all are amazing, and thank you for your support! Even though I’m technically on break, I’ll still update my diary because why not? 😊

Here I am restarting my diary writing routine because it’s so worth it! 🎉

I’ll keep this entry short because I totally didn’t forget to finish my draft for my second English paper today 🙈

Anywho, I’m here to spread some amazing news! So the main reason why I was taking a break from cups was because I had way too many break downs the past month (like 13 in total - I’ve been counting 😣), leading to a lot of burnout. And I’m not one to usually say this, but the group chats have been really unsupportive lately, and it really stressed me out when others were getting hurt, and even me! 😔

So now it is 5 days into my break, and I am enjoying it soooo much! I haven’t experienced any breakdowns, and I’m starting to dance like a weirdo and play the piano like I used too! I really missed doing the things that I loved, so I’m super happy about that! 🤩 Also, school is going great! I’m finally catching out with all of my schoolwork, and I even have time for myself (as I mentioned earlier 😛)!

I haven’t felt this happy in so long, and I hope I feel this way for the longer term!

There is one thing that I haven’t really mentioned much, but I feel more comfortable sharing now. Some of you know this, but for those who don’t know, I’m genderfluid. This means that the perception of my gender can change randomly, daily, monthly, or even annually depending on the circumstances. Before my break, my mind was all over the place. It was mainly the random change in my gender-from male, to female, to non-binary, and the such. This resulted in my mind getting pretty cloudy and memory loss, which caused a dramatic domino effect. 😞

With my break, I actually gradually started feeling more female, which is really rare for me. Lately, it’s been mostly non-binary and some male, but feeling more female actually has its benefits! I’m assigned female at birth, so when I was feeling either male or non-binary, I experienced a lot of body and gender dysphoria, and thus a lot of self-hate. With feeling female, my dysphoria poofed, so I feel so great and my mind is not clouded at all! 🥳

Well, enough with me blabbering! 😛 I totally did not just ramble 🙈 But all in all, things are going great, and I will update you all on everything soon enough! 😊

Take care, wonderful people! 💕

Yay! Day 2 of my diary-writing routine! Let's do this 😛

So today is kind of a "meh" day for me, to be honest. I woke up a groggy mess (as per usual), but breakfast was awesome! I had french toast, which is kind of a luxury in my household, so that made me feel pretty great!

Schoolwork is going okay, not as great as yesterday, but it's only 9:05 AM here, so we'll find out how things will go! I just finished my Precalculus coursework, and it was just a lot of work and my brain got pretty fried, but it's okay! I felt that way yesterday also, but things started looking up as the day progressed, so I'm hoping for the same thing today.

The only difference is that a Nor'easter is coming today, and I'm always afraid of storms like those. We always tend to have a power-outage, and I had an anxiety attack the last time...so I really hope *that* won't happen again. That kind of explains why I'm a "robot brain" today, which is what I call myself when I turn non-binary due to an over amount of stress and sort of turn into a robot. (That explains why I'm barely using any emojis today) The positive thing about being a "robot brain" is that I'm pretty hyper-focused, so that'll hopefully help me get my work done! 😌

Also, my parents didn't aggravate me yet, which is great! My dad was being a little annoying yesterday, but I was able to surprisingly deal with it. I'm a bit more tired today, so I may be a little more high-strung - let's hope that won't cause any tension! 🙏

Other than that, I don't have toooo much to talk about today, so I'll leave it short! I have a dance class starting now, so I have to scram anyways! Thank you all for reading, and feel free to comment on this, or any of my previous posts! I would love to hear your thoughts and encouraging comments! ✨

Take care, and see you all later! 👋💜

I won't be able to write another entry tomorrow, and I only have 10 minutes to write before dinner, so I'll make this entry real quick! 💕

Today was a really stressful day for me. My dad ended up aggravating me so much that I was really close to not finishing my work (luckily I did 😌). I'm so exhausted, and pretty annoyed to be completely honest. My brain isn't foggy, which is good!

I just wish my parents can get off my back for once because they are really getting on my nerves. I've been really high-strung lately, and they are really the main cause of my anxiety attacks.

Also, one of my brothers came home unannounced today, which really ticked off my mom. It's a long story, but in the short-run, my parents and my older brother have a horrible relationship that goes far back to when he was just a kid. Now he lives with a girlfriend that my parents does't like at all (due to religion and how he met her through a dating site), and this visit almost caused mom to have a relapse caused by her autoimmune disease she had all her life.

It's just a whole big mess, and I would vent more about it. However, it's time for me to go have some dinner with my parents!

Take care, and have a wonderful weekend everyone! 💜💜💜

Smh, I forgot to post an entry yesterday 🙈I was so busyyyy! But it's okie, because here I am with a new one! 💕

So today was a rough start of the day, to be honest. 😕I woke up groggy as usual and I feel a little under the weather. I barely had breakfast, and I started my day with proofreading one out of two English essays which I'm hoping to submit either today or tomorrow. The way my school system works is that there are no set due dates, but I have to get all of my assignments done by the end of this year. I want to make sure that I'm at least on track with everything, and the difficult start of the school year put be just a little behind. However, I'm catching up at a pretty good pace right now, so I feel pretty confident that I'll be able to finish this semester strong! 😌

I just finished my Precalculus coursework, which was relatively straight forward! Then I was like, "Hey! I can take a 10 minute break and check on 7 Cups, and even write another diary entry!" And here I am! 😛✨

So yep, that's really all to report for now. You'll likely see me writing another entry later today once I finish all my school work. What I'm thinking of doing is getting started on my American history coursework early so I can get some time to exercise, and even dance! 😄

I'll leave my entry here for now! I hope you all have a wonderful day/night! Take care! 👋💕

I feel like tagging a ton of my favorite hooman beans here 💕

@KyleBorg @Sunisshiningandsoareyou @TayTayy @Cambion @jv13076 @emotionalTalker2260 @LavendarHere @Artalistens @Victor04 @Fristo @GloriaD @DaisyFlower32 @anjellyna @29amy @amusingCoconutL @YourEmmmie

Welcome to my Nerdtastic lingering corner! 🤓✨

~ You all mean so much to me, and I'm thinking about all of you during my break *big huggles for all* ✨

Yayyyy! I'm here with another entry! *dances* 😛

Today isn't such a bad day to be honest. My head is a little foggy, but it's only 9am so no wonder. 😛 I finally finished proofreading that English essay that I was talking about yesterday, so I'm ready to submit that. I only have one more essay to proofread, but that will be a relatively quick one. 😌 I have a feeling that I may not feel that great as the day progresses due to the weather, but I'll try to be calm and not have an anxiety attack like last time. 😅 I'm having a little bit of trouble focusing today just like yesterday, but it's okie! I'll get through it. 💪 I feel less self-hate today, and more confident in my abilities - even though today will be a pretty busy day school-wise, I think I'll get through it! ✨ Well, I'm getting a growing headache now 😣... so I'll do some meditation before continuing on with my work - that's been helping lately, so hopefully it'll help now 🥲 Otherwise, everything seems to be going according to plan, so let's do this 😎

I'll keep this entry short as yesterday, and maybe do another entry later...because why not? 😛

Take care, amazing people! You all are awesome, and keep being you! 💕

Today was such a headache so far (both literally and figuratively 😣). I was really stressed out ever since I woke up, mainly because there was a computer program bug that it driving me crazy. 🥲 I was working on this program that's going to be a breakthrough in the field of medicine, and I came upon this really strange error, so I'm going to have to work on it throughout the entire evening since I have a robotics team meeting tomorrow to discuss my progress. But it's okie! I made so much progress thus far, so I think everything will work out in the end - it always does. 😌 But the weather outside is also giving me a huge headache, so that's fun... 🥺 I'll get through it though - I'll take things one step at a time, and everything will be alright I hope. 💜 It's one of the first times in a while when I'm throwing the question, "How are you?", into the void...which is just awesome 🥲 I'm trying my best, but this self-hate is really getting to me, and I'm not really sure what to do. 🥺 I guess I'm just really lonely at this point, and my parents aren't really being too approachable right now so 😣... well, my break is ending in 3 days, so I'll be back here again, which is excitinggggg! 🥳 I can't wait to get back in the swing of things (and catch up on the 60+ notifications I probably have on my other account 😛).

Anyways, I'll move on to my next subject in school now! Take care, everyone! *huggles everyone super tight* 👋💕

Hello, amazing people! It's Nerd again, here to share some more lingering thoughts! 💕

Today was definitely much better than these past few days! I was able to get all of my schoolwork done, so that made me feel pretty good! 😌

However, I still feel a lot of lingering self-hate, and I always seem to question my purpose in this world 😣 I keep thinking I'm just taking up space, and have no purpose here...I don't even know what triggers it - these thoughts are stuck in my mind, and they're awful 😭 It's what keeps me up at night, causes my flashbacks, makes me feel sick to my stomach, and have no motivation to do anything 😭 I just feel so lost and lonely in this huge world, and I'm still searching for my place in it 😕 I actually had a purpose when I was in-person, but now that I'm doing school full-time online, it changes everything 🥺

The only thing that's really stable in my life is my lust for learning, and even though I'm online now, I still try to do my absolute best to do well and succeed in my academic career 💜 I guess that's one thing to be grateful for, but school shouldn't become my *life* 🥺 Being stuck at home is really getting to me, and I should be in-person and achieving my dream of getting a research fellowship - that's stunted now since just about every research opportunity I'm looking for is in-person, and the only thing I can do is my online robotics volunteer work. I mean, I'm really enjoying it, but I'm more of a hands on and collaborative kind of person, and having meetings over Zoom did not allow me to really give me the change to enjoy the experience. 🥺

It feels like I'm stick in quick sand, and I have nowhere else to go 🥺 I just need to have more freedom and actually get back to my life before this *** pandemic - it's ruining my life 😭

Sorry about such a sad share - I'm feeling a little flashbacky, which is why I started ranting 🥺 Thank you all for listening, and I appreciate you all so so so much 💕