The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself (Mark Twain)
I discovered a growth path today, and this quote on it hit me hard. It is finally time to write.
I’ve tried journaling here before. The fear of sharing too much and being found has caused me to delete several posts. But the need to write and be seen never goes away, so I’m hoping I can do it this time in a way I can feel comfortable sticking with.
I have delayed this for so long because I had no idea where to start. Thinking about it wore me out, so I’d close the browser. So much has happened and is happening constantly. The things trapped inside are eating me alive.
I decided I will start with fear. Because even just labeling it makes my heart ache and stomach lurch. My whole life has been built on a foundation of pain and fear. Nothing has ever been safe or stable for long. Despite constant depression, I always had hope, a kind of lighted path I could see if only I could get there. I’ve made change after change to chase that. And I am proud of what I’ve achieved in some ways. Though I’ve gotten farther and farther from real connection. I run between wanting relationships and avoiding them. I’m not sure if I can remember what it feels like or how to attach to someone. Now I find myself at an age I’d never imagined I would still be struggling. Still starting over, again. Still trying to figure out basics. Still trying to make a life. I never feared the future. I didn’t fear old age or what comes after. Now I fear living the rest of my life alone, without any adult companionship. There’s a harsh reality that there will be no community at my eventual funeral, no one to tell fond memories of my friendship. I have wonderful kids, but as any parent knows, you don’t get support from them. I have to be strong for them, alone. They love me fiercely, and I don’t know where I’d be without the unconditional love and purpose they give me. They are literally why I’m still here.
There’s fear for my future, but also fear of the present. I have been taking steps to get out and try again meeting new people. There has been more pain, and I don’t know how much more I can take from people on this journey. Advice givers say just to not let people hurt me, and I don’t understand why I can’t get there. It sounds so easy. In my angry moments I tell myself I don’t care what anyone thinks. But I do. I am sensitive to others, and I have strong convictions about how I should treat them and what a good relationship looks like. It is not a complex ideal, it seems logically like it should be natural to achieve. But over and over people surprise me with complication, because of their hyperfocus on what they want and lack of concern for what they might need to offer in return. You cannot make anyone care, compromise, or want to do anything. We can only control ourselves. I don’t want to change anyone, so I look for people that are already on the same page. I want to give to others, and common sense tells me that I cannot be the only person like this, so where are the people who will meet me halfway? I’m driving myself mad in confusion and despair.
My hope for this journal is to have a place to start sorting out my feelings about myself and socializing. I must rethink what it is I really need out of life, to start making a new path. This old trail is worn out, and the growing conditions are lacking.
There’s so much to talk about, but I don’t want to talk about any of it. I’m doing ok. I’m not sure how much of it really matters.
The only thing I really want to give voice to right now is that I dislike how easily embarrassed I get. I don’t really understand why. I don’t think I even really care that much what people individually think of me. But there is something about being made vulnerable in public, or in front of a group of people. It’s something about being made fun of in a group setting. The odd thing is that with my sense of humor I actually enjoy making light of my flaws. I think it’s that I am ok with good natured teasing between people when it’s something that doesn’t really affect anyone. But I can’t seem to handle jokes that seem like disguised venting something they don’t like about me. Maybe this is what people think they need to do sometimes to soften the blow. It sounds like they’re being mean spirited, but maybe they are trying to be nice. I’d like to think about it differently. It just has a way of throwing me completely off kilter in a social setting, and I have trouble recovering. Sometimes I notice other people look taken aback by it too, so I think it’s not just me. I used to hide it better, but I appear to be getting worse at that with age.
I still haven’t forgotten that I have productive goals for this space. I hope to be in the right time and mindset soon.
I think this will be my last post in this space. I am rethinking in what way I should be involved here. I’ve met a lot of nice people, but there’s something about me that doesn’t fit right. Maybe it’s being a little older. I get the impression most here are younger than me. But I think it’s more than that. It’s not all that different than things I experience in my everyday life. I think I make people uncomfortable? The way I think and talk. I don’t really understand what I’m doing, but I’m pretty sure I’m doing it. When things happen I try to find alternative reasons. I’ll wait before reacting in case I am wrong. But there’s just too many times, too many coincidences, where a conversation is going on and as soon as I join it the person stops responding. It always stops the post before mine. Or, the conversation goes on, but my post is skipped. I know sometimes there are site bugs where posts get minimized, but I know that’s not happening with most of the examples on my mind right now. I know some people shy away from new people, but it’s even with familiar faces. There just can’t be that many coincidences. I don’t write that many places. Statistically speaking I have a really high failure percentage. Most days I log off here with more thoughts to wrestle with, not relief.
I don’t want to make people uncomfortable. And I don’t want my self-esteem to keep getting worse in a place I came to find help. I’m not really looking for any person to help me, I was just hoping for some new ideas. And I have got some, so ultimately my time here has been fruitful. But it’s also adding more fuel to the fire I’m trying to heal.
I always thought I had to keep trying, that humans are meant to be social. But maybe some like me just aren’t. I don’t think I can handle more rejection at this point in my life. It doesn’t seem worth trying anymore. I don’t even remember what it’s like to really want or enjoy that kind of connection. So what am I still here for?
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas Joining in. I hope you don't mind. :)
@mytwistedsoul Hey there Twist, I don’t mind at all, what a nice surprise to see your name. Thank you for writing me. 😊
I have been thinking a lot about how I feel most comfortable interacting here. I probably will continue to use this thread. I am thinking like you said I should have somewhere to write for myself. I think I’m feeling a little vulnerable having opened up with bad results on others’ threads, so at first it made me think I should quiet down here as well. That probably only makes sense in my mind. 😂 I think really what will make me feel better is to be more discerning about other conversations I join. I’m sure there are many alternate reasons for it like you said. Part of the reason I’m here is to learn how to connect with people, so I’m probably a little more sensitive to rejection. I seem to enjoy writing on the group threads where a leader presents discussion questions to answer. I don’t require a lot of feedback, but the tools get me thinking.
You said it well about some people’s threads not getting a lot of response. I have started to notice that. I don’t explore the areas of 7 Cups much, but every so often like last night I have some time and find things like that. I have tried to write a few people who expressed not having good experiences here. I don’t think I’ve helped much unfortunately, too little too late. I notice some have left. Those persons have stayed on my mind heavily.
I don’t mean to complain so much. I always think I’ll come here and have something better to say. I just think maybe there are some cliques here I didn’t realize, and it probably seems rude when I burst in, like I’ve crashed an exciting party and start droning on about something dull. 😂 Some of what I vent about coincide with things I notice in my face to face interactions with people. I don’t think I can really explain it away completely, Twist. I really do have an odd effect with people. Perhaps it has to do with spectrum elements of my personality, or just that I am unsocialized like a stray cat. 😂 My conversation tends to be more about intellectual topics, and I’m not very charismatic to attract people. People tell me I write too much in texts. It is because I want to make sure I explain properly so there’s no confusion. And guess what, when I try to send a shorter message I can usually expect a conflict will follow because there was a misunderstanding. 🙄 So now I say the heck with it, deal with my long messages. 😂 A select few seem to like my oddities, but even they don’t completely understand why I need things a certain way and get frustrated with me. I’m very grateful that my friends here like you tolerate my rambling. ❤️ In my lighter moments I am still hopeful I’ll make a close friend one day. For now I think I’ll have to find satisfaction with myself and a limited closeness with others. I’m too old to change enough to fit better, and I don’t really want to. Maybe that is progress. 😅
I have not written out my goals yet. I looked back at the dates I started talking about that last night. 😳 These little emoji faces make me laugh to myself! 😂
Business with the ex-husband is complicated. We’ve generally had a very good coparenting relationship over the years. When there are problems like this, I find that trying to do what I feel is right ended up making things harder for the kids when they were at his house. Especially after he remarried. I’m not really pleased with how much control she is having. But I feel stuck because I want things to be peaceful for them, so I try to weigh what is really worth the fight. It seems like my kids have had minimal emotional effects from the divorce because their dad and I get along so well not being married, which was always a huge worry, so I feel very blessed for that. We can talk and attend events and the kids are comfortable. I’ve debated going to a judge a time or two, but I think the effects to them with the tension afterwards would make it not worth it. I think I’m more upset than they are about the camp and things. They’re sweet kids and don’t really understand the details. They’re innocent for their ages, people tell me. I’m trying to trust that I’ve helped build a good foundation and everything will be ok despite her meddling. She made an effort to talk to me finally a few days ago, so I think she is trying to smooth things over while still maintaining her control. 😵💫😇 I am on guard for anything else though.
May I ask how things are going with you Twist? Is the season treating you well? I saw you venturing about with a crane, very impressive! I hope your mind is being kind to you.
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas It's hard enough opening up and being vulnerable but then to have bad experiences on top, it's understandable that you would feel like you should be quiet every where.
@mytwistedsoul Thank you for being so nice to me. ❤️
You have also wondered why you’re still here sometimes? What kinds of things do you feel are missing for you? What do you think keeps you here? It’s good for me to know other people feel like this too, especially someone I’ve talked with so much and have so much respect for.
“Be like the stray cat, hiss and run away when approached by people.” 😂😂 I might make this my life verse.
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas There are a number of reasons that make me wonder why I'm still here. Where shall I begin? The censorship is a bit much. The forced positivity. Mindfulness and meditation don't magically make things all better. Time does not heal all wounds. I often don't feel "heard". The lack of depth and genuine conversations. The platitudes. The more recent things I've struggled with have shown me that despite all the talk of "you're not alone", I am in fact.... alone. The listeners who message to ask me to talk with their "friends" because they need someone with empathy. Only to get angry when it can't be given consistently.
@mytwistedsoul I’m starting to realize, based on your words and my observations, that you give an awful lot around here without receiving much depth in return.
I think I’ve had a couple run-ins with censorship. I had to rewrite a couple posts trying to figure out what word wasn’t making it through. I wish I could remember the last one. When I finally figured it out, I had to shift my mind to imagine a completely different meaning of the word, and I had to laugh. Is that the kind of thing you meant?
I have found myself feeling somewhat let down after opening up, just to get a response akin to a pat on the head and a cookie for the trip. There do seem to be general go to’s, and when I really think about it I guess I’ve felt a little “lesser” that I seem to need more. Maybe like I’m not trying hard enough. I’m sorry it all makes you feel more alone. 😞
Do you mean listeners refer you to listen to other people? 😮 I remember when we first started talking, you had listeners wanting you to listen to them. So they liked it so much they referred you to their friends? 😠 I can’t imagine people don’t know they are crossing a line. So to then go another step beyond and get angry with you. I can’t imagine having that mindset. It takes a lot of gall. As much as I like to think I have empathy, I can’t in some circumstances. I hope you have/can been able to get out of those situations or lessen them. I bet it would make you more wary the next time you want to contact a listener or one contacts you?
I’m definitely attached to some people and would miss them if I left. I’m glad it gives you sense of purpose. Maybe we change what we view the purpose of this website for? But that gets murky because we have a picture of what it could be, and sometimes I see people receive what they’re looking for.
Yes the step mom is Protestant. And Catholicism is a branch of Christianity. You described it very well. I think the problem is that Protestantism was created specifically to “protest” Catholicism, so there’s no way of getting around it. I learned recently that this is just poster of what’s taught. I thought this was all History. I have “talked to” (listened to) so many views. If I have the courage to admit I’m Catholic, I can tell the tone immediately changes. They might nod their head as if they have to feign acceptance, but within minutes a conversation starts about how wrong Catholics are, calmly as if it’s everyday accepted fact even to Catholics. I’m supposed to listen and agree with how bad I am. I thought they were supposed to think that as long as you accept Jesus you’re good to go, but apparently they do think there’s more to it. But when I have hidden my faith and just identified as Christian, I’ve been told it’s all very simple. Sorry, I hope it doesn’t sound like I think anything’s wrong with other faiths. I had family members and friends of various faiths that I had no problem with. Maybe it’s where I live now. I’m still learning. In full disclosure, I believe even non-Christians can go to Heaven if they want to. Even Popes have said that, but I know people would jump all over me if I said it even here. The only thing I have a problem with is people attacking when I’m trying to find common ground. Every day we pray in Mass for Christian reunification. I think all the division makes God sad. He doesn’t need us to protect him from each other, I think He can handle it! Jesus came because people weren’t loving each other. He taught that we shouldn’t create barriers that block other people from Him. Catholics fail in this too.
Yes it is same feeling being white, cisgender, conservative. It’s general knowledge that you are bad and you know it, and you’re supposed to be open to being educated and shamed. I think people can justify not being open minded when they think you represent the “old” or “bad” way, for lack of a better term. Little do they know that I have had no privilege in these areas, did not get preference in jobs, did not grow up rich, have had to wonder how I’ll make it, had to live in dangerous places, have worked very hard and don’t have tons to show for it. I’ll step off my soap box now. 😄
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas I've seen it happen to other people that used to be here. Their kindness and encouragement to others was never returned anywhere near what they gave.
@mytwistedsoul Yes! Socializing is a lot more complicated than people think. A person might tell us to relax that we’re thinking about it too much, but those same people will do something later and we’ll have no idea why. I hope I didn’t do anything that made you feel you shouldn’t reply. I love seeing notifications from you, of any length. It’s a little embarrassing to say, I only just realized while writing this, I think longer replies make me feel less lonely, having a real dialogue with someone. Then I don’t have to feel as bad about my long posts too. 😂 At the same time, don’t feel like you have to if you’re not feeling up to it. ❤️
I think that listener might have already known their friend was like that, and wanted to pawn them off on someone else. I don’t blame you for avoiding listeners, when they start off doing the right things we think they’ve passed the test and let them in further. Maybe getting to know a listener in threads for a while first and then moving to chat. There are some people I’ve talked to on threads that I just realized are listeners. I don’t like the chat feature much right now though.
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas You didn't do or say anything to make me feel like I shouldn't reply, not at all! Just my own concerns about taking up too much space. ❤️
@mytwistedsoul I seem to prefer the forums too. I’ve noticed I’m the same way off the computer, I don’t like being in a room alone with most people. I find people might be nice in a group or public, but as soon as we get alone they immediately say something mean about another person in the other room, or they try to get me to do something I’m uncomfortable with, like something they know the other people wouldn’t want which puts me in a position to take the blame I feel like, if you can’t ask me in front of other people, you probably shouldn’t ask. There are some things like feelings they’re having, that I am ok listening to alone, I’m talking about more mean-spirited or sneaky things. If you couldn’t tell, I’m not really a people person. 😂
Thank you for saying such nice things and enjoying talking with me too. ❤️
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas I went through your journal and I really enjoyed feeling your beautiful spirit. Like I felt before from your posts, you are very gentle and wise. There is so much depth in what you reflect upon. I am so happy to have come across here and learning something about you. Thanks for sharing your heart ❤️
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas
I really liked your thoughts here on insistence on self love when community love is our need. I learnt self love through seeing how others showed love to each other. So I dont think those two can function independently- they're definitely tied in. I have insisted on this need for loving others to build each other up instead of believing one has to build self love all by themselves .... in some comments around this forum.
And loving someone more than yourself is also quite real... it builds self love in an odd sort of a way. When you choose to help someone else when you wouldn't help yourself shows your need for connection , and your need to give ... this generosity is how you are able to love yourself... giving to others makes us feel good about ourselves.
But- i think one should also aim to show compassion to ourselves the way we do to those we love more than ourselves. Again, I think its something we learn through seeing love in others.
@Creamyyy Hello! I’m honored you found my journal thread. I’m feeling so blessed today. 🥰
I can’t say enough how much I love the way you have this balance of thought. You say in such a succinct way, things that have plagued my mind for years. Yes, there does seem to be a real need for community support, even though we are made to feel guilty for wanting that at times. And then there is also the need for self support and the love of our Creator, in a beautiful dance that would work all together filling our souls. It seems too simple! We have it all figured out right here. ☺️ But it seems suffering must factor into the equation too. This is where we gain wisdom I suppose.
Thank you for being here. I am overwhelmed with the love of friends today. I can’t thank you enough. ❤️❤️
How do you all seem to be so different yet end up doing the same things to me?
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas Are you alright?
@mytwistedsoul I’m sorry. I don’t remember writing this. It was only a half hour or so ago I think. I don’t know what to say. I remember being on here then, I work other places I think. I’m sorry. Just please disregard this, I don’t even understand what it meant. I’m sorry.
It sounds mean. 😞 I’m sorry. I usually remember something
I had a bad day today, that’s what it was I’m sorry Twist.
I don’t even know what I meant. No one here is doing any bad things to me. I don’t know why I wrote that. Sometimes I remember writing part of something, I don’t remember a mindset or anything. I’m so sorry if I offended anyone. Oh no.
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas It's alright! There's nothing for you to apologize for. I apologize if I put you on the spot. I am sorry to hear that you had a bad day. There's nothing wrong with needing to vent or even making comments you might think are mean. You're allowed to be upset and angry. No one will be offended. ❤️
@mytwistedsoul Thank you. ❤️ I’m a little scared because I don’t remember posting on my page or writing that or why. I know I was on 7 Cups and remember other posts. I remember being a little upset but not too bad. Reading it again this morning, I think I was thinking about how I meet new people and think I’m vetting them properly, that they’re different than people who hurt me before. I probably was thinking about partners. But in the end I had the same problems. I must’ve been more upset about this than I thought. I think I might finally be losing it.
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas It can be scary when something like that happens. Has this ever happened before? Sometimes being upset, even just a little, can cause someone to dissociate. Especially if it's reminiscent of past experiences. Our minds can do amazing and sometimes scary things when it's overstressed, upset or stuck in the past. I hope today is a better day for you. ❤️
@mytwistedsoul Similar things have happened, maybe not as direct as this. There are things I don’t remember doing, but I just call it bad memory. I don’t like not remembering what I’ve said to other people. I have to pray that I don’t start a conflict. I checked my phone history, luckily this is the only evidence of something I don’t remember. I was probably just doing a lot around that time and forgot.
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas Not remembering what I might have said to someone is so stressful. In your case, it would be even worse because of children and ex's. Anything you say could possibly be used against you and cause serious problems.
@mytwistedsoul No you’re ok Twist. I’m glad I got your notification to bring my attention to it. I’m not sure where else I would’ve written it, I don’t have other social media. I definitely would not have wanted to send it to an ex, like you said there’s a delicate balance with the kids and all. Luckily I don’t have any incidents of finding things said to ex’s. I think it was meant for venting to them (since I can’t tell them) on my journal page. It was just one line I think, so maybe I did write it really fast and just didn’t remember because I went others places here after. I’m sorry for all the trouble.
I haven’t had the energy to update how I’m doing. I did manage to write a couple posts today asking for help.
https://www.7cups.com/forum/depression/General_2427/Howtoacceptreality_357182/
https://www.7cups.com/forum/religion/General_2605/Strugglingwithmyfaith_357185/
Why do I feel ashamed of myself after writing these? I think I might not be a very good person, and I just haven’t realized it yet. I’m so desperate for my pain to stop. I don’t know how to stop having bad thoughts and wishes about myself. My kids need me to be better.
I went to another social event tonight. It took a lot, and I almost didn’t go, because I’m feeling very low. But I dusted off my boots and went. No one showed up. The organizer forgot about it and neglected to announce a cancellation. I can’t really be mad, it’s an honest mistake. But I’m supposed to honor my feelings. So, it was embarrassing. I showed up, and the servers and other customers knew I was alone waiting for people who never came. I tried to play it off like it didn’t bother me, but they knew I’d been ditched. This is a hard enough thing without social anxiety, depression, and rejection issues. My first instinct was to unsubscribe from the group. I haven’t done it yet, though that’s probably still what I’m going to do. It’s all over the message board, me saying I was there, asking where people were, saying I was leaving, all with no response. My internal feelings of being a reject are now proven for the public to see. And this was my hope for making a friend. Good start. I feel like I’m in high school.
I think I would probably be happier if I stopped trying to figure things out. Does it really help me to understand why? Some of the answers I’ve received in recent years have made me think I was better off not knowing certain things. This Is the first time in my life I’ve ever wished I didn’t know the things I know.
An analytical mind is part of my personality, I think? How does one turn that off? I have been in certain moods before where I felt numb in a good way, like nothing could bother me, I didn’t think about anything, everything was cool. I think that was a defense mechanism, but maybe it wasn’t a bad one. I’d like to get there because I’m really feeling strong, not because I’m trying to push everything away.
One thing did sink in today. I really don’t have any way of knowing that things would have been better had I chosen differently. Those things were bad for so many years even trying different things, it’s like I had to make a change to get out of that perspective. I don’t know if that’s true, but I can’t deny that there have been some positive effects even if there are some bad ones too.
I’d like to get my brain out of my past choices, guilt, and feeling ashamed of myself. It’s like I’m still trying to correct my trajectory. It’s taking too big a toll, and it really doesn’t get me anywhere. What’s done is done. I just need to go from here.
I feel alone. I can acknowledge that. I can hope for something different. It isn’t helpful to blame and ridicule myself for it. Not everything has to have fault assigned to it. It’s just the way it is right now.
I’m angry. I don’t know why. I rapidly alternate between sad and angry. I think I’m tired of being sad, it doesn’t feel right. I’m frustrated that I can’t help myself more effectively.
I’m feeling better this morning, for the first time in a while. I think I finally allowed myself to be angry. I wasn’t even rage angry, I just acknowledged that I have things to feel angry about. Iit’s as if it cleared some of the fog from my mind, and I could think more clearly.
Here’s what I’ve realized. I haven’t been living by my own code. Some of that has been influences of other people. Some is my own choices. I read something last night about choosing fear over what we value. That fits a lot of my life. I chose to escape things after pushing myself too long, rather than proceed based on what’s most important to me. And there is a ripple effect from that, which can quickly spiral out of control.
My depression is way worse when I’m living against the things that are important to me. Then the depression starts to cause me to make more decisions against myself. I really have to figure out a way to stay true to myself and be strong for me, not try to give so much to others that I lose myself.
It feels like the right time to start ironing out those goals.
I think I might have talked about this here. I’m too lazy to go back and reread. 😋
My son had a seizure several weeks ago. We’ve had some testing done. All the tests were coming back normal, so they were leaning toward it being a one-off thing. I was conflicted about not having a concrete answer, but I had ideas what might’ve caused it. I had been starting to settle into the idea that we’d avoid those things and not have to worry about it again. There was one more neurologist appointment we were waiting for that had a long wait list. That visit finally happened, and the EEG confirmed that he has epilepsy. I am conflicted again, relief at having an answer, worry for him and what the rest of his life will look like.
The doctor prescribed medicine that can allow for a more normal life. His dad has concerns about becoming dependent on the medicine, because it sounds like if you ever miss a dose your chance of another seizure is much higher. The alternative is trying to avoid the triggers, which (this is photosensitive epilepsy) there are much more of than I realized. It’s not as simple as avoiding strobe lights. There are even things in nature like sunlight shining on water. It will be more important than ever to make sure he gets good sleep, doesn’t watch tv or play video games too long, and avoids light in dark rooms. Most of these things I’ve always been on top of at my house, but they’ve been an issue at his dad’s. That’s where the seizure happened, which was harder on me in some ways (sleep and screens). His dad cares, so I know he’ll make a bunch of changes. But he can be pretty absent-minded and forget about things. Sometimes he’ll go all out making things better, but then things will settle back into old ways. For example there were issues with the kids falling asleep at school on his weeks. I really need my son to be on top of this stuff himself and understand the seriousness of it. I know it scared him a lot. It was a major seizure, he still has no memory of which I guess is the scariest part for him. He was really affected for a while afterward with confused speech and facial drooping.
I’m trying not to worry overly and realize I can’t control everything. I guess I just wanted to get all that out somewhere.
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas I'm glad you got answers but I'm sure this wasn't the answer you were hoping for. I can understand his father worrying about being dependent on medication but hopefully he can also see that this is better than your son having seizures. Everyone will just have to get into the routine making sure he takes his meds consistently.
Are you doing alright with this news? It would be scary for a parent I'm sure.
@mytwistedsoul Thank you friend. ❤️
I notice I hover over him a little more, and I’m trying to keep myself in check. I feel ok when we’re together, my worries kick in more when he’s not in my care. I know other people don’t watch and pay attention to things the way I do. I’m also learning that he has had other seizures before this that were more minor, that at the time we thought were other things. I was ignorant. I thought seizures all involved obvious shaking, but they can look very different.
I took him kayaking a couple weeks back, and now I can’t believe I did that. We pushed ourselves a little too much, he got dizzy. I keep having nightmares about how it could’ve been worse.
I think I’m fine for the most part. But if I give flashes of thoughts and images too much space in my mind, I panic. He has started his medicine, so that gives me some comfort.
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas I would imagine hovering is to be expected, especially right now. He's your baby, no matter how old he is. There's probably a lot of things for you to pay attention to now too, which adds to the worry. The natural light on water and through trees... did the doctor have any suggestions that would help lessen their affects they might have on him? I've heard about other types of seizures that aren't as noticeable but I don't really know anything about them.
@mytwistedsoul You have such a comforting way of speaking. Thank you for being so understanding and caring. It is really nice to have real friends to talk to. ❤️
We’ve learned that there are ways he might be able to tell it’s coming on. Some people experience auras. I get those every so often so I explained to him what that’s like. He doesn’t remember anything coming on, but we just talked about taking notice when he feels not quite himself. Like maybe he feels suddenly tired or dizzy and wants to lay down. (Sorry if I’ve already said this part) with the last bad one he had, even though he doesn’t remember doing it, he suddenly laid down right before it happened. I think his body told him he was tired. I’m so thankful that happened and he didn’t fall and hit his head. We’re also learning that he can cover one eye if he’s around flashing lights, or turn away. Closing eyes won’t necessarily help, because for some people the trigger is the flashing with eyes closed. It’s interesting.
He’ll have another appointment in about 4 months to see how it’s working. I think they do another EEG then.
How are you doing Twist? Has your bronchitis improved? How is your soul feeling otherwise?
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas That's such a nice thing for you to say! Thank you!
@mytwistedsoul Thank you for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers. ❤️
I thought I had replied right after I read this yesterday. I think my tabs keep getting closed out before I get to hit post. This keeps happening, but I don’t remember. I tend to get interrupted a lot when I try to write. I’m glad I came back and looked.
I’m glad the bronchitis is getting better. World weary, that is a good way to describe it, I believe I know this feeling. That’s a painful way to feel, Twist. Is it mostly a people thing? Do you feel like you have too much work type things to do? Do you attend any common interest groups where you live? I can’t say I’ve found a good friend yet, I’ve only gone to a few, sometimes it’s hard to work into my schedule. I get really nervous going, but by the end I find I feel a little hopeful, maybe even a little energized and drained at the same time. We need to find places where we feel like we fit into this world. Life is so hard without that. It does take a toll after so long. We’ve gone through too much. We need a reset.
I believe good things are coming for both of us. There is still so much to life. You will bring something very special to the people you meet. I can see that for you.
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas You're welcome. ❤️
@mytwistedsoul Thank you. ❤️
Oh yes, that would be exhausting working on a low sleep schedule. It sounds like sleep in general might be a challenge. That’s got to make everything in life ten times more difficult.
It sounds like we might live in similar circumstances. Part of the reason I haven’t attended too many social events is it’s a minimum 30 minute drive to the closest locations. Well, actually I don’t know how much of a deterrent it is. When I am feeling lonely I could probably drive a couple hours on impulse. 😬😅 It’s more dependent on if I’m feeling up to it and schedule aligns. I do worry a little though about meeting someone nice, and their friendship interest would fizzle based on my distance out of town. I’ve had that happen with some of the kids’ friends over the years.
How is your week going? I hope your bronchitis is getting better when your sleep is suffering. I’m a little worried about you.
I’ve been feeling a little low this week., I’m not sure what to say. I’m feeling a pull to stop trying all this social relationship stuff and just keep to myself. I can’t tell if I have bad influences around me, or if I’m the bad influence. I’m not sure if I care what the answer is, I just want some relief.
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas It's nice to see you Pieces. ❤️ I'm sorry to hear that you've been feeling low this week. I hope this next week is better.
@mytwistedsoul Your last sentence got me all choked up. ❤️ Thank you Twist. You’re such a nice person.
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas ❤️ You're welcome and thank you for saying that. It can be really nice to hear things like that. A nice reminder that we're not as horrible as we sometimes think we are.
I think it's more than okay that it differs each week. Especially since you have children and a lot of your schedule needs to keep them in mind. I know for myself, interacting with people can drain me at times and I need to recharge if I spend too much time around too many people. To be honest, I'm not a fan of making plans too far in advance either. Sometimes people catch me at a good moment and I'll agree to something, but then hours or days later regret my decision. Most of the time I follow through because I said I would, although there is usually complaining involved lol!
There could be a lot of reasons that could cause this and none of them would necessarily be you. Expectations, different perspectives, unmet needs or wants, fear of loss, cognitive dissonance, past experiences or triggers, lack of control or agency. That's just on their side, now we have to add in our own of all those factors. Having different opinions is normal, but I honestly don't think that many of us are equipped with how to handle them. Sometimes there are decisions we have to make that have no good choices and those choices cause us pain and regret. And we wonder why it's so hard to navigate relationships.
I think you should be kinder to yourself because you deserve kindness and you are worthy of it. I know from experience that self punishment can sometimes ease feelings of guilt because it feels like we're atoning for something we did wrong, either real or perceived. It's often a coping mechanism. It can be hard to unlearn. You made a very good statement here by saying " I should be nicer to myself, because I know I’m trying" and you are trying Pieces. Maybe a good journal entry for you would be to write down the not so nice things you think about yourself and reframe them in a more positive way? For example: I should have done X" to "I made the best decision I could with the information I had at the time" or "They're going to be disappointed in me" to "I am respecting my boundaries by saying no" : Shifting it from self-blame to self-compassion. ❤️ It would be something you could revisit during the times when your thoughts are being unkind.
:) It's okay to vent and I don't mind at all! I just hope that I help in some way so that you feel better.
I don't eat McDonald's. But now that you mention it, I had ordered a pizza last weekend and some hand cut fries. The french fries are wonderful. It wasn't until I got home with the order that I realized that they forgot the fries! Talk about a major disappointment! I tried not to be too upset because I knew the place was pretty busy at the time. Now I know to double check before leaving lol!
@mytwistedsoul It’s so hard for me to imagine that you would think anything bad about yourself. But, yes, I know. Our individual experiences are so hard to explain. You are so wonderful to me. I don’t fully understand why, what I have done for you to deserve such kindness. I hope I can give some of that love back to you. I feel so much that I want you to have.
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas I apologize! I missed this post. I never could quite figure out how the notices work here. Or rather, don't work properly.
@mytwistedsoul Hi friend! No problem. Oh goodness, yes the notifications here bother me somewhat. They never take me to the actual post, just somewhere in the middle of a page, so it becomes a treasure hunt. It actually messes with my paranoia, because I feel like I never really know if I’ve missed something, on a page where there might’ve been multiple replies. And then some things are minimized, so there have been times I’ve clicked on a notification and was never able to find the post. It’s a little anxiety attack for me. I never want anyone to think I’m ignoring them. I know there are so many other threads from my friends I miss as it is, and I feel bad not really knowing what’s going on with everyone.
Twist, one thing I know for sure about you is that you have a very selfless way of being. We must all have times where we think of what we want. But it shines through very clearly that you are someone who is constantly remembering others, putting their needs or pain at the forefront (maybe even at times when you should be putting your own first). You do this for so many people too, and every single one is heartfelt, it’s pretty amazing.
How have the last couple days been for you?
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas I'm not sure why they thought minimizing posts was a good idea. With multiple replies, the newest cancels out anything that was before it. It all does add to any anxiety someone might have. I think that people, especially anyone who has been here for a little while, understands the way the notices are and doesn't take it personally. I hope not anyway.
This is how I’ve been doing lately. I don’t have the energy to write it out again.
https://www.7cups.com/forum/depression/General_2427/Chronicregret_359676/
I am in a constant state of mental frustration with myself. I bounce between feeling confused, hurt, angry with others, angry with myself, sad, and anxious or fearful. I usually land on some kind of bad thought about myself. As soon as I try to be kind to myself and my feelings, my next thought is “but then again, they might be right.” It seems to be very powerful, other people’s opinions, people telling me I’m too sensitive. The funny thing is those same people lack the realization that when someone else treats them the same way they treat me, they get just as “sensitive” as I do. But bring that to their attention, and does it open their minds? No. They just get more mad at me. I can’t win. I can’t even break even. I’m always unsettled. I don’t feel firmly planted or safe.
I am thinking a lot about being more intentional about being nice to myself. I’ll wait a lifetime before anyone in person will gift me such a thing. I’ve tried to be patient, treating others how I want to be treated in the hopes that one day they’ll want to be like that too. I’ve even had multiple people in the past tell me they are fully aware that they don’t treat me right, yet the next time something happens they fall right back into their default.
Don’t we all though? I fall into my defaults too. I people please, and I avoid. Can I fault them for the human subconscious? I have a hard time putting myself in their shoes, that they just “have” to criticize me, that I’m too annoying to listen to. I don’t feel that way about anyone. None of this really helps my sense of loneliness though.
I’ve been talking forever about making some goals. I won’t put it off anymore, because “later” never lasts. I’ll probably expand and report on these more over time. I want to make them specific and measurable based on what I’ve learned about myself over time.
Here we go.
Short-Term Goals
1. Be kinder to myself. Why? (No one else will.) How? (Spend time for things just myself. Get comfortable with the quiet again. Get out of the house, outside. Do something creative. Pray and meditate.) Time? (Must do something small every day, to keep my well being in the forefront of my mind.)
2. Build my savings back up. Why? (I felt better when I had emergency backup. My mental wellness suffers continuing to dwell on the past, allowing someone to steal what I had before.) How? (Continue to watch spending. I’ve been doing well with this. Don’t allow people to make you feel guilty into giving them all your extra money for their selfish purposes, telling me it’s for “us”.) Time? (See if we can do an allotment, maybe $100 a month, so that something will always get saved.)
3. Exercise. Why? (My health is getting worse.) How? (Start small. Just do something.) Time? (Need to make it routine, same time every day, or I’ll fall out of it.)
4. Do more little things with my kids. Why? (Don’t waste any more of the short time you have with them being sad.) How? (We’re already pretty good at this, but need to focus more on the little day to day things, games, talking, sitting and snuggling.) Time? (Be less busy, period. That chore can wait for later.)
5. Meet new people. Why? (Making the effort is the only way to someday not feel alone. They won’t find me in my house.) How? (Choose events more intentionally based on what kind of person I’m looking for, commonalities.) Time? (Be committed to regular events. Be realistic if I’m truly not feeling up to it, but have a plan to attend something else within the next 2 weeks.)
That’s all I can think of right now. It’s a good start.
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas This is a wonderful start! Well done! I wonder if this would be of any help?
@mytwistedsoul Oh! I remember this thread. I responded to some, but I think I never finished it. 😬 (Was looking for another emoji hiding my face, but couldn’t find a suitable one.) 😋 I found one of my answers, and I noticed that I completed one of the goals I put there. That’s petty cool huh? I remember how that was weighing on me at the time, but now it’s a memory. So I guess that means my current stresses will likely be distant memories soon too. 😊
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas Oh! You completed a goal you had down! That's wonderful! Well done! I'm proud of you! I hope your current stresses do become a distant memory Pieces. You deserve to have peace and a stress free life! ❤️