Tips for Dealing With Unhealthy and Abusive Relationships

[TW: discussion of abuse]

Types of relationships

Relationships can be healthy, unhealthy, or abusive.

1) Healthy relationships

Healthy relationships are not perfect, but most of the time they’ll have the following qualities:

Respect, trust, and safety

• Feeling supported by your partner and like you can rely on them
• Maintaining respect even when there are differences or disagreements
• Equal power when it comes to decision-making
• Feeling like it is safe to be vulnerable and have emotional closeness

Open communication

• Being able to share things honestly without fearing punishment or ridicule
• Being able to discuss sensitive topics like physical intimacy and economic/financial arrangements
• Both people listen and try to understand and empathize with the other person's perspective

Healthy boundaries

• Respect for boundaries
• Enjoy spending time together but can be happy apart
• Okay to have some privacy and personal space
• Okay to have your own interests, hobbies, and relationships with friends/family

2) Unhealthy relationships

Unhealthy relationships lack some of the qualities listed above that are present in healthy relationships, for example:

Lack of respect, trust, or safety

• Not being able to explore or share feelings safely
• Feeling like partner won't be supportive or listen if you share things
• Feeling like if you share vulnerable things, your partner will use them against you
• One person has all of the power to make decisions or is unwilling to compromise
• One person’s needs and opinions are dismissed

Communication issues

• Not listening to what the other person has to say or having empathy
• Ignoring, disrespecting, or minimizing feelings
• Disagreements often turn into intense, hurtful fights
• Frequent arguments without resolution
• Avoiding discussing problems
• Lying or dishonesty
• Using insults, harsh criticism, or words designed to hurt during arguments

Lack of respect for boundaries

• Being coerced into doing things you don't want to do
• Being pressured into only spending time with your partner
• Strong jealousy and guilt-tripping when spending time with other people or on your own hobbies and interests
• Being pressured into intimate or sexual activity
• Invasion of privacy
• Lack of respect for personal space or belongings

3) Abusive relationships

Abusive relationships are similar to unhealthy relationships but also include a pattern of one person manipulating or frightening the other, usually to maintain power and control.

Destruction of safety and trust

• Threats (or acting on threats) to hurt you, themselves, loved ones, or pets
• Threats (or acting on threats) to destroy things you own
• Threats (or acting on threats) to spread rumors, share secrets, or share private photos/videos
• Physical harm such as hitting, slapping, pushing, or restraining against your will
• Physical or sexual touching that you do not consent to

Harmful communication

• Saying degrading, intimidating, demeaning, or humiliating things
• Treating ideas, feelings, and experiences with contempt
• Intolerance of disagreement and dismissing perspective completely
• Blaming you for their problems and making you feel responsible for their behavior

Absence of boundaries: isolation

• Trying to prevent you from seeing friends/family or go to school/work
• Pressuring to spend all of your time with them or guilt-tripping for not doing so
• Trying to persuade you that other relationships don't matter or that they are the only one who cares about you
• Telling you to not talk to anyone else or reach out for help about the relationship

Absence of boundaries: control

• Reading text messages, e-mails, or social media messages without permission
• Trying to monitor and control what you wear, where you go, and who you spend time with
• Expressing extreme jealousy and constantly checking up on you

Tips for unhealthy relationships


1) Deciding whether to stay in a relationship

If you’ve been trying to work on the relationship for a while, it may be worth asking whether the relationship is worth keeping.

Some signs that the relationship is still worth working on and trying to improve:

• You’re both willing to accept responsibility for things that need improving and work on trying to change them
• You both haven’t given up on trying to improve things
• You still trust each other enough to be vulnerable and forgive past mistakes
• You still care about each other’s well-being
• You’re still emotionally close

Some signs that the relationship may not be worth trying to save:

• You’ve both given up on things improving
• You’re no longer emotionally or physically close
• You have insurmountable differences in your values and goals
• You no longer trust each other
• It’s difficult to imagine being together in the future
• The relationship has become abusive

2) Healthy communication

Couples who have lasting and satisfying relationships tend to follow certain patterns in how they communicate with one another.

Use “LARA” for difficult conversations:

• Listen: listen with the goal of understanding
• Affirm: confirm that you understand what's been said and try to find common ground or something they’ve shared that you can agree with
• Respond: respond directly to any concerns or questions they’ve shared rather than talking past what they’ve said
• Add: add your own perspective

Use “I” statements:

• This means using phrases like “I feel”, “I think”, and “I believe” when sharing things or giving feedback
• This can help to avoid blaming or attacking the other person while communicating

Use assertive communication:

This is one of four communication styles:

• Passive communication: being hesitant to share things; can lead to unmet needs
• Aggressive communication: disregarding the other person's feelings; can lead to increased conflict
• Passive-aggressive communication: expressing frustration indirectly (e.g. sarcasm, silence, subtle jabs); can create confusion or distrust
• Assertive communication: expressing needs and feelings clearly while respecting the other person's perspective; helps build understanding and resolve conflicts

3) Healthy boundaries

Boundaries are the limits, rules, and expectations that we establish for relationships with others.

Some examples of boundaries:

• Freedom to have your own thoughts or opinions
• Limits on how much time you spend with someone
• Control over privacy, space, and your body
• Limits on what topics you are willing to discuss
• Limits on how much emotional support you offer someone else

One framework that can be used for communicating boundaries is DEAR MAN:

• Describe: describe the situation
• Express: express your feelings
• Assert: state what you want
• Reinforce: explain how the other person will benefit
• Mindful: stay focused on your goal
• Appear confident: present yourself as confident
• Negotiate: be flexible and open to alternative solutions

4) Self-care

Self-care is doing things that help with taking care of your well-being.

Some benefits of self-care in the context of relationships:

• Can help build resilience to stress so that difficult interactions don't affect you as much
• Can help you recharge and recover after difficult interactions
• Can help you have the personal resources to be able to engage with people effectively

Some examples of self-care:

• Taking care of your body through exercise, diet, and sleep
• Setting aside some time for yourself to engage in hobbies or activities that bring you joy or relaxation
• Connecting with friends or loved ones you enjoy spending time with
• Acknowledging and processing emotions, for example through journaling or talking to a therapist
• Engaging in spiritual practices like prayer, mindfulness, meditation, or yoga

Tips for abusive relationships

Why people stay in abusive relationships

People in abusive situations often have good reasons for staying:

• Fear of physical harm/injury if they try to leave
• Fear of harm to friends, family, pets, or people who are trying to help them leaving
• Fear of abuser taking away children or the challenges of being a single parent
• Not having the means to leave or live alone, financial dependence on abuser
• Having established relative control within the abusive situation (e.g. being able to predict partner's moods and skillfully manage them to minimize abuse)
• Abuser has promised that things will get better or that abuse won't happen again
• Feeling guilt at the idea of abandoning abuser or feeling a responsibility to help them
• Caring for partner and still feeling love toward them and wanting the relationship to work
• Feeling like they deserve the abuse or won't find anything better if they leave

Staying safe while in an abusive relationship

These are some things that can be helpful if you are not able or willing to leave an abusive relationship:

• Find safe ways to communicate with friends and family (e.g. private phone, computer in a safe/trusted place)
• Have a safety plan for different situations (e.g. what to do during incidents, keeping children safe). Here are a couple resources that might be helpful:
  https://www.dvccct.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/Domestic-Violence-Safety-Plan-DVCC-.pdf
  https://www.courts.oregon.gov/programs/family/domestic-violence/Documents/DVSafetyPlan.pdf
• Reach out for support to a crisis line, counselor, advocacy group, or local services
• Build as strong of a social support network as your partner will allow
• Be kind to yourself and engage in self-care activities as you're able to

[You can also review the tips listed above for unhealthy relationships and see if there are any items there that feel helpful or like you’d be able to implement them without risking your safety.]

Leaving an abusive relationship

These are some things that can be helpful if you are considering or planning to leave an abusive relationship:

• Use a secure phone or computer while researching and planning how to leave
• Notify trusted friends, family, and coworkers of your situation and any plans you have
• Decide where you'll go. Domestic violence shelters can temporarily provide for living needs and help provide referrals to other services (e.g. legal help, counseling/-support, child care, employment programs, etc.). You may also be able to find long-term housing options or assistance programs.
• Pack an emergency bag with essentials (e.g. clothes, medication, documents, items for children)
• If able to do so without causing suspicion, change the passwords to your e-mail, social media, and financial accounts
• Have a safety plan for different situations that might occur after you leave. Here are a couple resources that might be helpful:
  https://www.dvccct.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/Domestic-Violence-Safety-Plan-DVCC-.pdf
  https://www.courts.oregon.gov/programs/family/domestic-violence/Documents/DVSafetyPlan.pdf

[Note: these tips mostly apply to domestic abuse situations where someone is living with their abuser]

Sources

The information above is condensed from the following resources. If you want more information about a particular topic, feel free to visit these links.

Types of relationships
https://www.uwyo.edu/dos/sexualmisconduct/healthy-relationships.html
https://www.colorado.edu/ova/healthy-unhealthy-and-abusive-behaviors-relationships
https://www.northwestern.edu/care/get-info/relationship-violence/healthy-and-unhealthy-relationships.html

Whether to stay in a relationship
https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-know-if-your-relationship-is-worth-saving-5190891
https://www.healthline.com/health/toxic-relationship#can-it-improve

Healthy communication
https://positivepsychology.com/communication-in-relationships/
https://sparqtools.org/lara/
https://wellbeingscounselling.ca/the-power-of-i-statements/

Boundaries
https://positivepsychology.com/great-self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/
https://dbt.tools/interpersonal_effectiveness/dear-man.php

Self-care
https://turningpointcare.com/blog/7-tips-for-practicing-self-care/

Staying in an abusive relationship
https://knowmore.fsu.edu/helping-healing/why-victims-stay
https://www.health.mil/Military-Health-Topics/Centers-of-Excellence/Psychological-Health-Center-of-Excellence/Real-Warriors-Campaign/Articles/5-Tips-for-Staying-Safe-in-an-Abusive-Relationship

Safety plans
https://www.dvccct.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/Domestic-Violence-Safety-Plan-DVCC-.pdf
https://www.courts.oregon.gov/programs/family/domestic-violence/Documents/DVSafetyPlan.pdf

Leaving an abusive relationship
https://www.projectwomanohio.org/blog/navigating-the-exit-how-to-leave-an-abusive-relationship
https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/domestic-abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship