why tf did i cheat
calling all cheaters: i need some advice, or just to talk because i feel totally alone (maybe that's just what i deserve though)
so a few months ago I cheated on my partner, we were in a LDR for three years, and I still can't figure out why I cheated ... I suppose there's a lot of reasons, and I figured there's no way he'd find out, but then the person I was cheating with turned out to be a great friend and i guess my solution to having them both in my life was to confess
but now I'm riddled with guilt, im convinced im a bad person, and i have so many feelings regarding everything that I don't know where to put them.. i didn't think it'd hurt my partner so bad, and now I can't trust my judgment completely
people might say 'of course ur partner reacted poorly, you cheated on him!' He knew I was on dating apps and when we got together I told him I needed flexibility in the relationship , we had discussed a break for us to figure my stuff out anyway ,, also in regards to romance it's not like there was anything there for months , but obviously that doesn't justify it :( I don't know.. it's complicated and I have no money for therapy so I've just been ruminating on this: what's wrong? What's right? is there a future? i am unforgivable but why am i so upset over the way he treated me? why don't i just move on and date my friend because apparently, according to my actions, I chose my friend.. yikes
he asked me how I'd feel if he did the same to me, and honestly?? I told him id forgive him, and I really would- because I know I'm the one for him and he's the one for me, so why would I feel threatened by a casual relationship? Idk maybe my brain is just crazy damaged and i don't know what reality is anymore 😬
anyway, any thoughts, experiences, insights, etc would be helpful- thank you for reading!
@goldenBlackberry2525
You are most definitely forgivable.
You are not a bad person.
You make a mistake, you are human and not perfect.
Its about taking accountability, saying sorry but moving on for now, perhaps, on your own, to work out what you want and need in a relationship and to learn that you matter, you deserve to be happy and to be loved as you are 💜💕
@Amanda84 thank you- certainly been trying to convince myself of that
@goldenBlackberry2525
i have been in the same boat as u, almost 4 years LDR and i did the worst mistake of my life.
unfortunately the other guy i was talking to turned out to be abusive and threatened to ruin my life. i even called the cops on him but there was nothing they could do.
luckily my bf was forgiving and he helped me escape but i know it still hurts him sm. when we argue about mistakes in the past he would always bring it up and it really hurt me because i felt like an evil monster.
the truth is this: our mistakes don't define us. making mistakes and learning from them is what makes us grow as humans. things will heal through time and u will need to find ur inner peace and trust ur gut to figure things out. ♥️
@ipoopcats im sorry that happened :'(( glad you were able to escape a bad situation and you had that support
finding inner peace just feels so wrong, I know logically it's the only way forward but im like maybe more self flagellation is what Real Atonement looks like
idk maybe I just have crazy control issues,, i just never thought id be the type of person to make mistakes like this
@goldenBlackberry2525
i totally get what u mean..
but atonement isn't just about guilt or punishment, it's about taking accountability, growth and changing yourself to be better.
u are allowed to be upset at how he treated u even if u messed up, i think both can be true. but if u still think he's right for u, u need to choose clarity, accountability and change.
i'll be rooting for u to be better ♥️
@goldenBlackberry2525
I have been cheated on 15 yrs ago and have been to the point where crossing a line myself. It showed me how the lines get blurred.
The instance has happened... you cannot undo it only move forward. Your partner will need to work through their feelings about it. It takes time and frankly there are times it is like looking at a scar and I remember what happened with partner. I do not think it is forgotten but can be forgiven.
All those people who have judgement or ideas they would never accept a situation simply have not been faced with the situation IMO. Forgive yourself too.
In a LDR I think it is more of a risk as if something happening and having a person close who can hug us when we need it and give support in the moment.
@toughTiger6481 that's a good point, thank you
Well, im not really in a place to advise friend. However, i can compare. Im not sure how long you two have been involved but for me and my wife its been 10 years. At a certain point years ago our sex life was starting to dwindle...i had the bright idea of opening up our marriage so that we could spice thing up...now by opening up our marriage i meant for her to pick out individuals and she gets with them exclusively and i am involved with her as well so it was a joint thing. We tried a couple times and the encounters didnt go well due to my lack of aftercare/empathy and we decided (i thought) to cut it out for the time and regroup later on down the road. Fast forward to a couple years ago. My wife had been distant for some time and the affection was beginning to diminish in ways. Now, she has been an amazing wife, an amazing best friend, and a phenomenal mother for the majority of our relationship...but fast forwarding to what she says started 3 months ago, shes having this extremely intimate emotional affair with som guy 7000 miles away from us. (Not so bad right) well, i guess its kinda subjective but...fast forward to last thurday (when i called her out about it) she tells me they are deeply emotionally connected, they are saying they love eachother, the have pet names for eachother, talking about how i would be if they were together through texts and phone calls, they are haveing intimate phone sex, ***, and my wife of 10 years is doing most of this stuff right in front of me like every day...shes "trying to figure out" what she wants to do...but i have to sit here just eating that stuff off a force fed spoon all day every day. And deal with the fact that my wife vere well could divorce me after 10 years for some fantasy guy that "gets her" only after 3 months...im losing my mind, dieing inside in everyway possible..she just wants to stone wall me with very little or no emotions. Her emotions come out more thinking about losing her guy than losing her husband...i fell to the #2 rank below some guy 7000 miles across the world, and my wife has to figure it out while i have to sit here with the whole thing in my face for the sake of our kids. Oh, and we havent bern intimate in a year give or take...
@Ryan575 that sounds so frustrating and, in a sense, scary to think about losing your wife that way 😵💫😵💫 hopefully she can come to terms with her choices and that not all is lost ,, I can imagine the ego hit though and that can't be a walk in the park to deal with
anyway, thank you for sharing your story
Thank you for your input as well, you deserve eternal healing and growth, humans are very imperfect beings but for some reason we all expect (atleast on some levels) perfection from others. You deserve to forgive yourself for your mistakes in life and i hope that you can do that for your self.
With that being my story about my internal, mental, and emotional destruction...i personally would say your actions were definitly forgivable...youre not a terrible person, you just made a mistake...we all do. Dont put yourself down too bad. Your partner should do some relationship assessments before putting it all on you. I accept my part in my story and i know its not COMPLETELY all my wifes fault but atleast you didnt do it right in front of your partner.
@Ryan575 yeah, I suppose it can always be worse 😮💨 im sorry you had to be on the other side of that- do you think you could forgive your wife? Regardless of practicality, is the relationship worth it?
You don't have to answer if you don't want to, just curious. I wish you all the best
Absolutely, in fact i already have even though it is still taking place as we speak. Now mind you, i in no way am innocent completely in my situation and in growth i have undeniably held myself accountable for my hand and the facts in the matter. However just like other peoples situations, and there are many. All unique and abstract in their own ways. Create opportunities to learn and grow as a human to higher levels of consciousness and understanding that were impossible to be revealed to them in any other way. Forgiveness is the first step to healing and people often forget that in their lives, but i believe that statement to be as true as it gets. Inorder for true forgiveness to take place...you must forgive the other person for their "transgressions" but never forget that YOU owe forgiveness to YOURSELF also...beating yourself up and putting yourself down internally and/or externally only inhibits the process of growth and learning for yourself. Thats how i feel anyway and i cant really imagine a logical argument against that.
@Ryan575 that's true.. thank you for your insight :)
No problem, if you need someone to talk to moving forward just hit me up. We all have problems that we sometimes have trouble finding the answers to. Take care friend!🤙
With that being my story about my internal, mental, and emotional destruction...i personally would say your actions were definitly forgivable...youre not a terrible person, you just made a mistake...we all do. Dont put yourself down too bad. Your partner should do some relationship assessments before putting it all on you. I accept my part in my story and i know its not COMPLETELY all my wifes fault but atleast you didnt do it right in front of your partner.
@goldenBlackberry2525
If I can rudely answer the question, without reading the text.....
From a behavioural point of view, we do things to meet a need. So, I would change "why did I cheat?" To "what need was I trying to meet when I cheated?" Then you can ask things like "will I actually get that need met by cheating?" Or, can I get that need met in a different way that doesn't involve cheating?"
Of course, that's a very impersonal way to look at it. But it can help us figure out what matters/is important to us, which makes it easier to make decisions we are happy with in the future.
Another question I find more helpful than "why?" questions, is "what do I feel about....? questions. Getting at the feelings underneath an action also help me understand my motivations behind it.
Best wishes in figuring it out.
