Proving to my partner I will change
Hello.
I decided to join 7 Cups because I am struggling to find a way to prove to my partner that I’m going to change.
I have all the trust in the world when it comes to my current partner but my actions don’t prove so
due to past relationships and how many times I’ve been hurt. I do go into a very defensive shell when my partner gets frustrated with me and tries to tell me things are going to better myself. well our last big fight was very much The last of her patience she had with me.
she said I have to prove that I am growing and moving past the trauma or she’s going to have to put herself first and leave.
she’s done talking she’s done with the discussions
I just have to show her an action
I don’t want to have to wait to the next argument to show that I have changed.
The question & the advice I’m asking for is how do I show her this change before the next argument?
@VARE99
I understand your question of "how do I prove?" I ask this question on a regular basis. Sadly, I don't have an answer because I believe every person is different. What happens if you ask her how to prove? I know for me this often doesn't help, but it seems like the most obvious thing to try first. Something like "This is very important to me, and I am determined to be better, but struggling with how to show you. Will you help me to know what you need?"
Aside from that, I guess you just say over and over to yourself "I'm ok with that", but that has the potential to backfire with "oh, so now you don't care". This is why I really think it is so important to ask her instead of guessing what will prove. She is an individual. Couch it as respect, as it is.
I hope this helps, as I know this is difficult.
Jeff
thank you for your response. i did ask her what’s she want and the actions she wants me to change, it all deals with how i response during disagreements.
i dont want to wait till the next argument to prove i’ve changed. i fear tho that might be the only way.
@VARE99- some of us want validation in relationships from words. Others require actions. Recently learned about the "five love languages". I suggest you research how knowing our partner's love language can improve communication and relationships. Hopefully she has shared what actions she needs from you. Learning our partners needs takes the guesswork out of maintaining peace in a relationship. Best of luck to you.
thank you for your mind words. yes i do know her love language. i know what she wants to change. i just don't want it to be the only time she sees this change is in another argument
@VARE99- So heartened to hear how much effort you are putting into this relationship. Are there precipitating factors, communication, behaviors that start arguments? ( you do not have to answer this question here) Most of us have these triggers that initiate conflict that escalate into arguments. Also each of us may have a different definition of what is an argument. One person may consider a conversation in normal tones about a difficult subject an argument. Another may need change in tone of voice and body language along with the subject to feel it is an argument. And is anger present during these arguments? Just food for thought. Best of luck to you again. And of course, have you considered counseling together?
thank you for your response. I have considered all this and my issues stem from past partners lying to me or purposely keeping certain parts of their days hidden from me or “forgetting” to tell me.
So during these heated arguments I ask her the same question multiple times in different forms trying to “catch” her in. a lie.
The issue is I didn’t realized i did that until she told me about the pattern.
Another is not getting off the phone when she needs a break from the conversation to process things. I like to get things “over with” so I can go and live peaceful. I can not focus or relax when an argument is still not resolved.
I pride myself on being “healed” from shitty relationships and it hurts knowing thats not the case & i am hurting the first person i ever truly love.
@VARE99
This is actually great - she has given you concrete specific things to do. I am somewhat envious of such specific answers. So, now ... do them. You have two detailed things that only require you to stop. Take those steps, be aware, and tell her that you will appreciate reminders to stop (and *don't fight* if you get reminders). If you need to talk to someone to get the resolution you need after stopping - come here or find another friend. You can do this. You have news that will lead to progress. I believe in you and am excited for the potential.
Congratulations,
Jeff
@VARE99 Understand from her what are the actions that made her feel like you have trust issues. Then work from there :)
While the situation is frustrating for her and likewise for you, it is unfair for her to expect you to change how you act within a day. Don't be too hard on yourself and it is fine as long as you both move forward together bit by bit.
Hope that helps!
I can relate to this, but from the other side…
My ex/son’s father was an alcoholic.
Gradually, he became more violent/physical toward me, verbally aggressive, and drained me financially by stealing my debit card, and sometimes belongings…
He’d go sober for a while, whether that be a few weeks, maybe a couple of months, then he’d say he “changed”. He’d be nice for a little while, but then he’d revert back to being abusive towards me again and start drinking. I gave him many tries… even went to couple’s counseling, but it didn’t work out.
I moved on, he hasn’t and still wants me back. We broke up maybe...6 months ago and we were in a long 3year relationship of going back and forth…
I’d recommend asking her what changes she’d like to see, ask her to come to couple’s counseling and that you want to work this out.
If she tries to argue or fight you after, instead of getting defensive, just let her know: “I know/understand you’re upset right now, I hear you, but I need to take a step outside/away to cool down. I’m sorry, let’s discuss this later.” You can also use “I” statements, such as “I feel upset when I’m not heard” or “I feel frustrated when the house gets dirty, right after I just cleaned it.” If you use “you” statements, it’ll feel more aggressive and like an attack.
You mentioned having trauma too…I have PTSD, so I understand where you’re coming from.
It’s not always easy for us with trauma to just… “move on”, it takes time.
Maybe a couple’s counselor could explain to her how severe and difficult trauma can be if she’s not willing to listen to you.
Show her articles too on how trauma affects people, it’s not just an instant “I’m no longer traumatized, yay!”, it takes time…
Ah, I would probably be upset if my partner also kept telling me things on how to “better myself”.
It might seem helpful at first, but can sound quite critical of our own character if its constant…it’ll sound nit-picky, as though we’re not good enough for our partner. Maybe voice how you feel when she continues to tell you how to better yourself.
If she keeps reacting badly, despite you attempting to change, despite you using “I” statements, despite the apologies you provide her or the couple’s counseling recommendation…Then perhaps you may have to move forward, without her. It’s not normal nor is it kind if someone continues to put you down, despite trying to reach their demands and better yourself for them. At this point, just continue working on yourself and forget about their demands. That same ex I mentioned, he would try to do the same to me, to help me “improve”, but really, he criticized and attacked me all day…
Anyways, I wish you luck @VARE99! Hopefully couple’s counseling may help with the situation or a different communication style[ex. Using I statements] or different reactions to arguments [ex.Taking a step outside to give you time to cooldown and think].
@VARE99
First of all, it is good that you have identified some of the behaviors that you feel are causing the problem. It is also excellent that you are accepting responsibility, and want to change to improve the relationship. Here are some ideas that might help you with this:
1) YOUR PARTNER IS NOT YOUR EX. YOUR CURRENT RELATIONSHIP IS NOT THE SAME AS YOUR PAST RELATIONSHIP. YOUR HISTORY IS NOT YOUR FUTURE.
You mentioned in some previous responses that you have trauma from your exes keeping information from you, being secretive and so on. This leads you to get defensive with your current partner, and asking her questions while you are presuming that she is lying (which is why you all her in different ways to ‘catch her out’ in a lie). Your current partner has done nothing wrong to justify your distrust of her. She is not your exes. It’s not fair on her to punish her for the crimes of your exes.
Remind yourself every day - your partner is not your ex. Your current relationship is not the same as your past relationship. Your history is not your future.
2) TRUST YOUR PARTNER.
Trust is not just a feeling. It is a mindset. It is a discipline. It is a gift that we give to a person consciously, with deliberation and effort. It requires us to open our hearts, to be vulnerable - to decide that there’s ALWAYS the [possibility] that they MIGHT lie, cheat or betray me, but I have faith that they won’t, that they are worth the risk.
When you have experienced trauma, your natural instinct is to protect yourself. You become fearful, and defensive and your natural reflex becomes to AVOID vulnerability. But relationships can’t thrive very well in fearful environments! Relationships require intimacy, getting close to people, being vulnerable, trusting one another. Fearful mindsets are the opposite - they distance people, exclude others, reject vulnerability.
Work on your fears and trust issues. Of course it’s not so easy as simply ‘changing your mind’ to just trust someone. You might need professional help and therapy to work through your trust issues.
But some things you can do differently for yourself - Avoid asking questions. If you know you tend to ask invasive interrogating questions (which stem from distrust), then just stop asking questions altogether. Have an attitude of ACCEPTANCE instead of an attitude of DOUBT. When your partner tells you things, accept it. Believe it. Don’t challenge her on everything.
When you feel like your past mistrust is triggered and you feel panic rising and you want to resolve everything immediately- STOP. That’s YOUR mistrust and trauma that you project onto her. It’s YOUR fear from your exes that is intruding on the relationship, which then becomes a problem for both of you. Take some time away from her to process your fears by yourself. When you are more stable and less fearful, discuss your feelings and issues again. Never discuss issues when your feelings of trauma and panic are in control! If she has told you she’s ready to leave the relationship because of this it tells you very simply that you demanding to resolve things immediately is destroying the relationship. Demanding a solution is not the solution! No matter how desperate you are to resolve things immediately, all it’s ever done is make things worse. You can’t keep doing the same thing but expect a different result.
3) Consistency is the best proof.
You don’t need to wait until an argument to reassure her that you’ve changed. Your change in attitude from fear and doubt, to love and acceptance is something that you can demonstrate every day. When she tells you she is going somewhere - don’t interrogate her about it. Accept it and move on. Don’t call /text her constantly to monitor her whereabouts. Ask less questions. Let her tell you whatever she wants to tell you. Tell her how much she means to you. Apologize for how you have been behaving. Acknowledge that it hasn’t been fair on her that she’s had to deal with the fallout and trauma from your past relationships. When you change your attitude and mindset in this way it will be obvious to her.
You will be OK! Choose love! Your past is NOT your future. Trauma is NOT your destiny.
Wishing you all the best with everything.
CatsInTheCradle
Hey @VARE99, after reading your other responses, I have to agree with what @CatzInTheCradle said.
My original post was in response to the main post without seeing the responses prior.
I still recommend couple’s counseling, the use of “I” statements, and taking a step away from arguments though.
I’ll also add this: try individual therapy/counseling as well that specifically specializes in trauma/PTSD.
I’m currently in counseling as a domestic violence survivor, the counseling is free and funded by the state.
I’ve also gone to support groups as well.
I have felt the same question you’re asking. I’d say this. I’m not sure what the disagreement is about but for me I would argue over getting together with my partner’s friends cause I feel like an outsider. If I wanted to prove I’d changed without waiting for opportunity to arise I could suggest “hey let’s get together with your friends or invite them Over”. So you could try to like be the initiator of whatever it is you usually disagree over