Been involved in an emotional affair
I'm not here to look for sympathy, but more looking to see if anyone else has ever been involved in a similar situation and how you handled it.
I have been in an emotional affair for almost 4 years. I'm in the process of breaking it off, with much heartbreak for all parties involved. I'm separated from my husband as he knows about the affair and I know I betrayed him. My affair partner and I started out as very close friends which happened very quickly, within a month of meeting. I tried very hard not to cross any lines with this friend, but we both very quickly realized we had an unusual connection and kinship. He repeatedly pulled me in closer with kind words, being there for me during difficult times (when my husband was not) and telling me things like he thinks we are soulmates and I'm the one. He was also in a long term relationship that was long distance through most of our friendship. Most of our friendship was through messages, phone calls, watching shows together, but we did cross an intimacy line . He wanted to come visit me in December, but I declined as my guilt and regrets were really starting to take a toll. Again in January, he talked about how we are soulmates and again we shared intimate fantasies and photos/videos. About 2 weeks ago he started acting strange, not responding very much despite us talking all day every day for years from good morning to good night. I asked him what's going on and he said he's moving in with his gf and getting married very soon. Although my situation has already taken a toll and my marriage is dissolving because of my actions, his fiancee does not know about our situation. I asked him to please think about being honest with her and seek therapy as I'm doing now. I also told him it is time for us to part ways. He refused to tell his fiancee, not surprising as it would possibly ruin his future relationship and denies he needs therapy. I'm now realizing that maybe he isn't the person I thought he was despite being there for me for many years. The confusion about everything in my head is real. We have continued to talk and hang out, but I had a breakdown yesterday and told him we are over, we can't talk anymore, that I'm seeking therapy as should he. He just thanked me for all the years of our relationship and said he won't reach out to me anymore, but will always be there for me if I decide to reach out.
Has anyone else gone through something similar and how did you end it once and for all. I know I need to just completely cut contact, but this person has been my rock for so long. It's like cutting off a limb. Any advice or shared stories are welcome. Again, not looking for sympathy, just how to move forward.
@tealSea9607
hello.........
i have a similar situation we started as friends on a current events chat site ...... we found so much in common and he was always supportive and lifted me up in my confidence and mind frame.
he is in a bad long term marriage and so am i ..........a distance away but talk of meeting up we meet through zoom type apps... so talk face to face ....... if something good or bad happens i want to text him before anyone else ......... has been 2 years...... i want to go see in person and he does but is realistic that he most likely will not leave wife even though he says he loves me far more it is a thing of at certain age the financial hit of divorce would be hard.
i went back to work after having time off so our chats are less then they were still every day etc
.........have you ever heard or looked up the term "Limerence" i am beginning to see that this might be what this is.... my marriage is still going to be rocky and worse if spouse ever found out or i came clean
he is my smile when i get "good morning or good night beautiful " he makes me laugh lifts my spirits cheers me on .......... spouse has no interest in doing that ........ i too fear some day we will need to completely cut contact......... i know i cannot improve my marriage with this going on but that ship had sailed before my friend showed up....... we are basically civil roommates anyway.....
hope you see someone else really does get it and are in similar shoes.
@toughTiger6481 Yes, this is my situation as well. I know I let it go too far due to my husband and I being just roommates for some time. I don't think I would've let it go this far if my affair person hadn't said things and made future plans with me like we might end up being together some day, however he never did tell his gf about us and never broke it off with her despite me asking why he stays with her. His response was out of obligation. I know I need to just let him go and let them have a life together, but it is breaking me down very hard. I'm letting go of the person I talked to all day every day for many years. Never failed to say good morning and good night every day. Always built me up and helped me through family and pet deaths. Helped me through work problems, etc. I was also his main support during this time although I kept saying, ask your gf. His response was always, she's no help. He once told me, you are The One. And I asked, The One what? he said, the person I never knew I needed in my life to complete myself. I said, no that's your gf and he said, no she's the one i just make fun of. So he definitely led me on to some extent and I was dumb enough to believe it although I think he meant it at the time. I think he has found himself where he had to make a choice and he has. I know I was dumb to remain an option to him for so many years and now it's time to let go. It really is heartbreaking.
I wish you all the best, we all deserve happiness and someone to love just us.
@tealSea9607 hi, did he ask you for money or other favors?
@reliableWest8997
No, fortunately. If he had, I wouldn't have stuck around this long.
@tealSea9607
oh ok glad to hear that
to talk like that about his gf doesn't give a very good impression... he sounds like a user which he is since he strung you along, making you think something probably to feel better about himself
sorry if I am being so blunt but I was dealing with someone who I feel was just using me as well
@reliableWest8997
Yes, we had discussions about his gf and he gave me explanations and it was always that he felt obliged to her, they had been together as a couple since high school and she supported him a lot during that time, but their relationship was mostly long distance and she was rarely around during this time.
@tealSea9607
Your post has such raw pain and emotion, my heart goes out to you.
You stepped over some lines but from what I read, your marriage was already not working for you at that point. The "friend" merely stepped into a space that was already vacant. It is unfortunate that the acknowledgement of the marriage needing a time out came after the affair where you're now left feeling like this was all your fault for betraying your husband. The affair was a symptom of the issues but instead of calling out the issues or sorting them or ending the marriage, your escape from them which was the affair, now became the cause of separation. That's quite unfair to you but sadly, that is how it stands at the moment.
I agree with you - he wasn't the person you thought he was because all the time when you were building hopes and dreams of a future with him, he was cheating on his gf and connecting deeper with you with zero intention of ever being with you. That being said, it is a fact that he was there for you while you allowed him the privilege of occupying that space in your life - he just chooses now not to be there for you in the more practical and committed ways that you need. How he manages his relationship with his gf and his moral values over remaining available to you even after marriage to her, are his choices. You can understand better who he is as a person through his actions. They speak much louder than all the words.
Well done to you for accessing therapy to help you get through the worst of it.
Yes - I have been through something similar and yes it is possible to end it once and for all. A diary helps. That contact, the constant feeling of thinking someone's there for you, someone cares, someone knows what's going on in your mind, your day, your life - that can still exist without the additional complexity of another person involved. You can set up a separate private email account specifically to write yourself emails of everything that you would have wanted to share. The rage, pain, anguish, everything. At the beginning you might want to write multiple times a day, and that's okay. Read them too if you like, it helps to have a witness. YOU are the witness to your healing.
Be kind to yourself. You deserve to be happy. One day at a time.
@tealSea9607,
as someone who has been on the receiving side (my wife got closely involved with someone else yet always denied it), I say, I understand.
On the other hand, you made a decision.
And now you found out you were used, which is heartbreaking.
Yet, you let it happen and you have to pay for it.
I just hope that if you get deeply involved one day with another partner you will be able to really communicate, when things are great and when things are not so great.
As there is why often goes wrong, people stop communicating, start assuming and create a rift. Quite often, in my opinion, rifts are totally unnecessary.
I understand and appreciate your story. You are not alone. I am so sorry you are going through this. There is a great Ted Talk rethinking infidelity and the secret to long term desire by Esther Perel both are excellent.
https://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desire_in_a_long_term_relationship?language=en
Some people are polyamorous naturally. It is having more than one love. The biggest thing to consider is communication. Being ethical non monogamy means honesty and realize that all relationships provide you different things you need. I am polyamorous.
Break ups are difficult emotionally and physically too. Self care is very important! To move forward you make choices for your life and how you want to live your life.
Therapy is great idea! Love that you are doing that!
if you like to reach out anytime I am always around. 💕
Are you still around and available to talk? I have a similar situation.
