Boundaries in 1-1 Chats

@Rebekah

1. If you see a fellow member/listener who is crossing boundaries, what can you do?
   reminding them gently usually works, however if it continues despite warnings, the block and repot button.

2. What are some tips that you consider helpful in maintaining boundaries with members/listeners in a chat?
    i do find that not getting too informal and being respectful at all times usually helps too for a person to not cross your boundaries. 

@Rebekah

If you see a fellow member/listener who is crossing boundaries, what can you do?

Most people are polite because if they have a minimum of education, they assume boundaries exist. We cannot assume the boundaries are the same from culture to culture. This is why my boundaries are rather elastic. People can be curious about a lot of things

What are some tips that you consider helpful in maintaining boundaries with members/listeners in a chat?

If a rather personal question is raised, depending on the chat itself, I would first explain that this is private area of my life. At this point, most will say "sorry" and move on to more proper conversation. If they don't, I will explain some more and indicate that I will have to abandon the chat, which I can do eventually, but it has rarely come to that. I always give a chance for people to realize what they are doing.

However, I put no boundaries on what members need to talk about, even in dark or touchy cases. I understand that they have a problem they can't share with anyone else. When they hesitate, I encourage them and let them know that my skin is pretty thick at my age and not to worry - I am not here to judge, but to listen.  At the end of the first chat (there is usually a lot follow-up chats!), I thank them for their trust. 

As a member I find this can be difficult in certain situations, especially in distress. 

Sometimes we may be receiving support but someone will go back and forth between support and trying to chip away at a boundary. This can be especially hard when under a lot of stress. I have stated outright upfront with minimal details x thing happened, I do not want to discuss that at all. I'm incredibly anxious and want to just focus on dealing with my stress. 

If a member is that clear with a personal boundary upfront, listeners should be trained to respect that and I don't know if this is something that is emphasized seriously enough in their training. Members may be in crisis*, they shouldn't have an added burden of repeatedly having to uphold the boundary due to someone trying to push it.

Personally, I find it's easier to maintain if a listener tries to cross it immediately. It's the 'slow burn' of pushing the boundary and providing support that can wear away at it. This can be either personal boundaries (I don't want to discuss x) or site ones (connecting offsite is one of the more common ones from what I've heard). This can be within 1 chat or done over a longer timeframe. Sometimes I think it's done maliciously, other times I think it's done with good intentions but it violates active listening. 

*Note by crisis I'm not referring to 7 cups definition, but rather this one:

Being in crisis means that you’re so overwhelmed by a situation that your coping skills are not effective and you can’t make decisions or take action. 

Source - https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-a-crisis-2795061

I think some of this comes down to having higher listener quality via the initial training, ongoing training and when we pass people onto being able to have real chats. This won't eliminate it entirely, so another thing to look at is how do we manage it if it has been reported? Is any coaching necessary?

Members - Read the guidelines so you are aware of the boundaries set by the site. I encourage you to take screenshots if you are feeling uncomfortable. You are always welcome to leave a chat and you are always welcome to block a chat if that would make you feel more comfortable. Maybe you need to step aware fromyour device entirely for a bit, which is ok.(Screenshot before blocking, even if you don't want to report in the moment).

Report if you think something isn't right. Reporting after the fact, when you are calmer is ok. If you're unsure something 'deserves' a report but it felt wrong, you can report so it's reviewed. As long as you're being truthful and think something needs to be looked at, go ahead. Seek support from someone else, there are people here who can help guide you through how to report, besides information on site (linked in post below) and you can also get emotional support here or elsewhere. 

Some things could also be done to make reporting easier. I think a member should be able to access all their messages for at least a month as ongoing as they didn't choose to delete them. Putting up a block, a listener blocking them, deactivating their account, being suspended for another reason, etc. shouldn't prevent access to the messages. This reduces the burden of the member having to report or at least take a screenshot immediately. 

Something many of us have also wanted for a while is a direct report a message option. No need for screenshots plus it is very difficult to fake something. 

@Rebekah

Thank you - very fine written.

@Rebekah

1. If you see a fellow member/listener who is crossing boundaries, what can you do?

   At the most basic level, just leave. Not engaging is a way of saying "this isn't right for me". Some might consider that ghosting. But sometimes it is right to put our needs before the needs of someone else. If I'm feeling strong enough, a polite request is often very effective. It's helpful to not assume we all have the same boundaries. The other person can't be expected to respect my boundaries if I have not pointed them out. 

2. What are some tips that you consider helpful in maintaining boundaries with members/listeners in a chat?

   Stick to my boundaries. I'm my own worst enemy in not maintaining them.