How Anonymity Helps to Protect Our Community

Many of you know that Im a big admirer of Bill W, the founder of AA. He was a genius. One thing he figured out that is often misunderstood is the power of anonymity. People often characterize anonymity in AA as a means of protecting the person seeking support. If they are not personally identified, then they do not have to risk honestly sharing and getting help. In other words, anonymity decreases stigma and encourages help seeking. This is true, but this was not why Bill W insisted on anonymity. It was just a happy accident or a positive side effect of his real intention.

The real reason he insisted on anonymity was because he knew that all humans are imperfect, fail, and make mistakes. No one gets through this thing called life without making a lot, A LOT, of mistakes. It is part of the process. It is how we grow. Bill W did not want any one person - including himself, his partner (Dr. Bob) or movie stars - being identified with the success or failure of AA. He was afraid that if any one person was overly identified with it, then people might point to that person and then generalize it to AA.

Time magazine tried to put Bill W on the cover, but he refused. He knew that there was a high likelihood that he would fail and he didnt want it to end up hurting AA. He had many opportunities to take credit for AA, but he never did because he knew it would make the AA community less resilient.

Super smart and farsighted right?

This isnt really talked about too much, but I think Bill W also understood something that is called idealization. Idealization happens when you idealize someone. You might think they are smarter, stronger, or better than they really are. Little kids often idealize their parents. They think their dad is the toughest guy in the world. The world can feel scary, so idealizing parents or caregivers helps kids feel safe. We do this as adults too. We look up to politicians, religious leaders, teachers, judges, business leaders etc. We want to believe that they know more than us, that they are smarter than us, that they have it all figured out. Just like with little kids, believing that there are superhuman people out there helps us feel safe.

The reality is that there are no superhumans. We are all made of the same stuff. We all struggle, we all make mistakes, we all fail, and we all need to lean on others to help pick us up.

When a politician, or other big deal leader, is idealized and then fails, it is not uncommon for people to pile on. A well known leader behaves in unseemly ways, and people are shocked - SHOCKED - that the person did X, Y, and Z. They then mistakenly conclude that the person who was once great is now all bad. They believe the persons life was a lie or they feel somehow deceived or let down. When, in reality, that really isnt true. The person is the same person they always were. They are just complicated. They are human - just like the rest of us!

No one is a superhuman. Similarly, no one is all good and no one is all bad. We are all a mixture of good, bad, and neutral characteristics. Think about your own life. You have good parts and bad parts. Now, think of our world leaders. They are sometimes positioned as only having good parts. Well, they have bad parts too. That doesnt mean they are bad. It just means they are human - just like you and me.

A neuroscientist made the smart point that it often looks like public figures are all hypocrites. They say one thing and then say something entirely different 24 hours later. He said if a camera followed you around 24 hours a day, then you too would be bound to say contradictory things. It is just a weakness of the human brain. Sometimes we say and behave in ways that are contradictory. Humans are complicated.

We want to believe that humans are simple. It is easier to think this way. Seeing people as all good or all bad is easier on the brain. It takes less resources.

Interestingly, we tend to use more resources and go the extra mile when we evaluate ourselves. We can see that we are complicated. We see that we have both good and bad characteristics. We give ourselves grace, time, and space to figure things out. We understand we are human.

Okay, so what does this all mean for 7 Cups?

First, it means that the community is always more important than any single individual. I will make mistakes, everyone on the team will make mistakes, and other folks will make mistakes. That is something we can predict with 100% accuracy. We always need to keep this front and center. Nobody here is superhuman.

Second, it means that no one person can take credit for the success of 7 Cups. We all work together on this community we are building. We cant take it down and we cant leverage it to build up our own egos. We are all humble fellow travelers here.

Third, it means we all need to work a little bit harder and move beyond the default way of evaluating one another. If someone makes a mistake or they irritate you, try to give them the benefit of the doubt just like you would give yourself the benefit of the doubt. Try to understand that they too are comprised of good, bad, and neutral characteristics. These mistakes we all make are a core part of what make us human. In AA, people strive to put principles before personalities. The net result of this is that even if two people do not like each other, they will support each other in recovery.

Failure and mistakes often bring pain, so people want to avoid them. These sources of pain, however, are often the greatest sources of growth. When people can accept their mistakes, when they can feel forgiven, they often experience the biggest bursts of growth. Acceptance of reality, acceptance of oneself, and acceptance of others. When everyone in a community does these three things, the result is absolutely tremendous. Remember, you don't have to agree with someone or approve of their actions to accept them as a human being.

Lets make our community a place where we realize that we will all trip up and fall at one point or another. We all need to be able to trust and hold up our hand to get picked back up. It is an honor to grab that persons hand, lean back, and help them get their footing again.

This is one of my favorite songs and I thought it was fitting, so wanted to share it here with all of you.

Lean on me video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N5jlPL1tNDY

Lets lean on one another as we co-create the safe haven that is 7 Cups.

Thanks!