The Way of the River

We are on a river on a kayak. Life is flowing by us. We get stuck in rocks. Sometimes these are minor jams. Other times we can crash on them and almost die. Life isn’t easy for any of us.

Learning how to manage your kayak on the river of life is a core skill. The better you do this, the more quickly you solve life challenges and can get back into following the current.

A lot of our rocks in life are tied to relationships. Most good things in life are tied to other people and most bad things are also tied to people. If we can master our relationships, then we can more quickly avoid getting hurt by the rocks that are certain to keep showing up as we move down the river.

Let me take a quick detour. I had written this post on the importance of finding heroes. People that we admire can be a sort of North Star for us. They can be people you respect that are friends and family members, or they can be historical figures like MLK or religious figures like Moses, Christ, Mohammed, or Krishna.

I believe that people exist on different frequency levels (Hawkins, 1985). And that you have to solve a number of problems to graduate from one level to the next. Here is my quick simplification.

Level X: Unconditional Love
Level IX: Peace
Level VIII: Joy
Level VII: Generosity
Level VI: Reason
Level V: Neutral
Level IV: Selfishness
Level III: Hatred/Anger
Level II: Fear
Level I: Shame

You can think of each level having 100 sub-levels. We move up the sub-levels by solving problems in our life (see this post). Eventually we solve enough problems and make enough compounding gains that we move up to an entirely new level. For example, we move from Selfishness to Neutral or from Neutral to Generosity. 

The hard thing about this process of leveling up is that it is painful. It breaks down your ego. You have to eat a lot of humble pie. The most important skills are realizing your own limitations, apologizing when appropriate, and asking for help. These 3 skills help you make the most progress but are also the most painful to the ego.

This process of breaking you down is necessary because each leveling up needs to create space in your heart for more of the quality of that new level. E.g., if I am moving from reason to generosity, then life will need to create challenges for me to break me down and loosen me up, so that I can adjust and add more generosity in my life.

Note: this isn’t like a container of generosity that I pick up from a shelf and pour into my heart. Rather, through the difficult and challenging process of solving problems in my life I will have to become more generous in order to resolve the difficulties I am facing.

In this manner, the lessons of life get woven into the fibers of our being. They are not abstract ideas or virtues that exist “out there”. No, instead, they are ways of being that become a part of our fabric, our cells, and we then embody these characteristics.

Why would anyone want to do this?

This is a good question. It is painful. The reason you’d want to do it is because each time you level up you have a better experience of life. You become more liberated, humble, and at peace. The prison of the ego - and what a taskmaster it is! - loses more and more of its hold on you. You become free!

Here are the advantages of leveling up.

1. You become much more aligned with Love. I believe Love is a benevolent force in this life that is always looking out for us and trying to help us. These redemptive patterns are happening to all of us continuously, however the lower the level the harder it is to see them. Imagine a surfer that can’t see amazing waves coming at them. They should hop on their board and surf! If you are stuck at a lower level, then you’ll just miss the waves because you literally can’t see them.

2. You have more options. Think of each level as doubling in options as you go up. So level I you have one circle that represents one option. Level II you have 4 circles. Level III you have 8. Level IV you have 16, then 32, 64, 128 etc. all the way up to the highest level which is 512 options! Having more options means that you have more flexibility and strength. When you have limited options then things really have to go your way - and unfortunately a lot of time life doesn’t go according to plan. Less options = more fragile. The more options you have the more antifragile you are. You can find multiple paths through the challenge because you have a lot more options.

Caveat: You don’t get to take credit for any of these things working out. It becomes very obvious just how limited you are as you level up and correspondingly you can also see how much this benevolent process is helping you.

3. You transform yourself and in the process transform others and the world around you. When we fight with others, it is very normal to feel locked into conflict. Both sides dig in their heels and refuse to see the other person’s argument. We just insist and then insist louder. Unfortunately, as we know, this strategy hardly ever works.

Instead, a counter-intuitive strategy - that actually works - is to level up. When we say to ourselves, okay perhaps this person has an important point, and we try to understand the world from their perspective, then we can begin to get around our limited perspective with our limited options (see point above). Furthermore, when we actively forgive the person, more options become visible. Last, and this is a very hard thing to do, but I think they are insightful words from a Wise Person, when we pray for our enemies or we wish them the best, then even more options open up. The relational problem can be solved because you move from a lower level with less options to a higher level with more options. 

4. You don’t really care what people say about you. This is a big one. We are wired to really care what others think about us. It is painful when people say hurtful or untrue things about us. However, the truth of it is, social shaming is often used to keep us in little boxes. Don’t do this. Do this. Stay in the lines. Levelling up means that some people might not like what you are doing. They also might not understand you. This is painful to start, but as you level up it matters less and less.

5. You worry less about money. Money is a substitute for things. Let’s say I have fruit trees. If I know that they need sunshine and water, then I will reliably have fruit. I won’t have to worry about it. If I didn’t understand how fruit trees worked, even if I had them (!), then I would need money to feel safe in order to buy fruit. However, if I understand how fruit trees work, then I don’t need money because I have fruit. Much of life is like this. The best things in life are free. I’ll share more on this in another post. 

Practical Steps:

It is normal in life to become activated or triggered when stressed. This happens when we feel overwhelmed with a negative emotion like anxiety, worry, or anger. We do not have to run away from these feelings. Instead, they are important signals - they are invitations for us to level up - and also indicators that we are stuck on the rocks.

Here is a simple process to move past the trigger.

1. Ask yourself what this experience reminds you of in your past. This could be in childhood, adolescence or adulthood. Your mind will quickly find the pattern.

2. Try to forgive the person from the earlier experience. Work to forgive yourself if you played a part in it. Last, forgive the person in the current stressor or challenge.

This allows you to get unhooked or resolve the issue so that you can move forward in your kayak on the next stretch of open water.

More details on practical steps (credit to @SoulfullyaButterfly for help here!)

1. Recognize that you are activated and name the feeling(s).

First, catch the moment you’re emotionally flooded. Notice the shift: tightness in your body, racing thoughts, shallow breathing. Awareness is the first step to noticing what your reaction or feelings are. 

Your internal dialogue may sound like:

“This isn’t fair.”, “Why is this happening again?”, “I can’t believe they said/did that.”, “I’m so stupid.”, “This always happens to me.”

Feelings may be feeling anxious, angry, rejected etc. Related internal signals are “I shouldn’t feel like this.”, “It’s their fault.”, “I need to fix this right now.”

Naming those feelings/emotions starts putting up space between you and the reaction.

2. Trace it back:

Ask yourself:, “What does this remind me of?”, “When have I felt this same way before?”

Your internal dialogue may sound like:

“This feels just like when Dad ignored me.”, “This reminds me of how my old boss humiliated me.”, “I always screw things up.”

3. Work to forgive the person from the earlier experience.

They may have been doing the best they could with the tools they had - or maybe not. Either way, holding on keeps you stuck.

Then, forgive yourself if you played a part in it. Lastly, forgive the person or situation in the current moment.

Internal dialogue to practice:

“They couldn’t give me what they didn’t have.”, “I did the best I could back then.”, “I don’t have to carry this anymore.”, “This person today isn’t the one who hurt me back then.”

4. Choose the next right action

Now that the trigger has loosened its grip, ask yourself: “What would a wiser, freer version of me do next?”, “What’s one small action I can take from Love, Generosity, or Peace?”

Your internal dialogue may sound like:

“I can step away for now.”, “I’ll speak calmly when I’m ready.”, “Maybe this isn’t about me.”

The faster you can recognize the level you’re operating from and shift your internal dialogue, the sooner you get back into the flow of life.

In closing, we are all on our own kayak on the river of life. We will find good friends, joyful times, and beauty. We will also find people who are against us, difficult times, and pain. The key is to remember your limitations, apologize if appropriate, and ask for help. There is always a person available to help you get past the rocks. That is what we do here and a big part of why we continue to level up through challenging times (another way of seeing this - there is always a person one level up that will extend a hand down when you lift up your hand for help.)

Questions:

How does the way of the river resonate with you?

What are some internal dialogue changes you can make?