Community Lessons: On Arguing, Baiting and Rising Above
In this post, we're covering the topic of arguing (also known as squabbling, wrangling, or bickering).
We work hard to foster a healthy environment on 7 Cups because we know that our individual and community-wide status influences the amount of support we have for one another. (Our behavioral guidelines spell this all out in detail.) On a whole, we do well to look out for each other to de-escalate conflict before it happens and manage situations to bring peace to affected parties. There are times when it happens though so I wanted to talk a bit more about it and how to rise above it.
Key concept: Less arguing = more support; more arguing = less support. The less arguing we can do the better!
When people are aligned and unified they accomplish great things! But when people are misaligned and divided it presents obstacles.
Throughout history, different rulers have experimented with ways of creating friction in societies so that the people are easier to manage. This is broadly known as divide and conquer.
Currently, we see much more social division than we have in decades past. This is a sad situation as people are more likely to bicker, argue, and fight with one another. This aggravates our individual and collective mental health and well-being, because it makes social support harder to find.
You would think that humans would be wildly different from one another, but we actually share 99.9% of our DNA. That tiny 0.1% difference can be amplified to cause division. We are much more alike than we realize!
One common way arguments happen is a result of something called baiting. Baiting is when someone deliberately acts to elicit either an angry or emotional response from the person they're interacting with. In a social environment (virtually anywhere people can talk on the internet), it’s common to see this behavior in the form of passive-aggressive or rude (inflammatory) comments.
It can be tempting to take the bait when you feel you’re being provoked. When we go first or hard to arguing, we amplify division and pain, which is of course the opposite of what we stand for on 7 Cups. Now how to not take the bait? Here are 2 tips!
1. The most effective way to avoid attempts to instigate is to not engage. The interaction ends when you say, “I’m not going to participate in this” which clearly communicates you’re focusing on your choice and gives others nothing to respond to.
2. When emotions run hot, no matter what logical point you want to make, it will not be heard. Pick and choose your discussions. It’s unlikely you’ll convince someone to change their beliefs if they are emotionally tied to what they believe. Instead, agree to disagree. This is not about being passive about your point of view, but rather about being choosy about when and where it is most effective to express yourself. It’s not easy to do; instinct compels us to react to being goaded, so rising above it deserves some major credit!
I challenge all of you to put this into practice. Next time you’re in the rooms:
Ask yourself: is this really worth my time? Will I gain anything from engaging in conflict? Is it worth my energy and stress?
If you have peers or friends that rally to your defense, then this can also complicate things. They mean well and have your back, but if you’re not enabling confrontations, they have no need to either. This is also how more people get involved in disputes and can even lead to triangulation, which we want to avoid! This keeps everyone safe and minimizes issues and complicated and multiple reports.
Use the tools available to you within the rooms. If you don’t agree with another user, you are not obligated to interact, and you can use your personal mute button to control who you see.. Don’t feel bad about having to do so. Be empowered to take the best care of yourself.
Please tuck these 3 points into your toolbelt and every time you succeed in ignoring attempts to rile you up (here or anywhere in your life), come back here and tell me!
Do your best and know we’re so proud of your strength, growth, and grit!
Let's close this out with a reflection. Please answer in a reply: When an individual tries to invalidate my feelings by using statements such as, “You are really overreacting and making this all about your problems” and informs me that many others are struggling and strongly implies that I am not the only one facing issues. What is a useful way to respond that avoids taking the bait?
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This post is part of an ongoing Community Lessons series. Check out the last post on Feedback and Fairness. If you have suggestions for the next topic, or would like to write one of your own, send me a PM!
@Heather225
Thanks for this post. It's human nature to take the bait and become defensive. We have the urge to protect ourselves and our egos and we feel that we have to make sure we can justify ourselves.
When an individual tries to invalidate my feelings by using statements such as, “You are really overreacting and making this all about your problems” and informs me that many others are struggling and strongly implies that I am not the only one facing issues. What is a useful way to respond that avoids taking the bait?
"You're right, a lot of people are struggling. We all face struggles and may we all find a way to support each other when we face them."
@Jenna This is so true. I am greatful to be at 7cups, and to support those who need it.
@Heather225
Hi H! 😊❤️ Thank you so very much for this amazing forum post! Brilliant my friend, just brilliant! Yup, the ole' baiting and goading tactic around here. I see it all of the time and I am so glad that you are aware that yes, these things do happen. ❤️
Someone behaving in that way, (baiting, goading, antagonistic) likely has thought it out a bit and planned to perhaps say certain things. What can happen is the person that it's all directed at, takes the "bait". Never knew this was going to happen. Instead of responding they react. And in fact, I agree with you. Even responding to someone like this, at all, has zero value.👍
I call it "monkey see, monkey do, monkey get in trouble to" and this is when the innocent one in all of it, the one that did not instigate can end up getting in trouble. Quite the sad occurrence. And this can happen because the original offending party, sits back and watches the show after they have incited the other one so very much. Smh.....taking the bait, bad idea. 😳
This is all passive aggressive behavior. This is the behavior of a manipulative individual and a coward and they are not worthy of your time. "Once someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time" Maya Angelou. Walk away from them. Don't give them any "air play". Weeeeeeee weeeeeeee! 😊
7 cups asks us to be the better person and in essence, the stronger one. Be above that negativity. Use your personal mute button in the rooms. If you must leave the room because someone is there, you are better off for it. Clearly that person is not worth your time and shouldn't be a part of your sphere of influence. 7 cups is a very big place and there are other places here on the site that one can engage in if a negative person came into the space in which you were originally sitting. You have better things to do! 😊❤️ One could always come back to the room they were originally in, when that person is no longer there.
Ignoring negative behavior can be fantastic. This shuts the other person down over time. You are no longer a source of "supply" and have removed yourself from their "fuel matrix". Many times people that behave this way are attention seeking and any type of attention, even negative provides "fuel" for them. Many times kind, helpful, well meaning people can be their number one target. I send you all big big *hugs* ❤️❤️❤️
We can rise above it all. I know I try to. I work along side others and do my best to ignore and not feed into a problem if I see it as it could potentially cause a negative experience for others also that were in the same room that are completely unaware of the baiting or goading that started happening only moments prior.
If they are doing it to you, they are likely doing it to others. Yes, it's a sad truth. Eventually they will be found out and they will be asked to stop. These things may take time. Karma knows everyone's address and eventually, it's going to happen. Oh.....it's gonna' happen! You might not be there to see it, but the universe works in mysterious ways! 😁
I have my gratitude moments at the end of each and every day. ❤️ I also say what I call "my prayer" which is........"Lord, please make the bad people good and the good people easy to live with".
Forgiving others is a beautiful thing. Even if they never asked for it. Forgiving others as well as staying away from them, as best as possible, doesn't allow them to.......live rent free in your head.
*high fives* 😊 and big *hugs* ❤️
@Heather225 "I understand that you are struggling right now, could you try to be more supportive of your fellow members here at 7cups. We all are struggling, that is why this platform is around. So, lets try to be more supportive of each other. We are all in this together."
@calmMango9611
You are always super welcoming, kind, supportive and comforting! Well said! ❤
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou Thanks Sun. You are kind, supportive and welcoming as well.
@Heather225
Thank u for putting in the effort to make this, it's definitely helpful 
@SparkyGizmo ❤
I was reading @Heather225 's amazing post, and had similar thoughts as yourself, then before responding, thought I'd see if you already answered hahaha and bammm you saved me an essay, Sparkyyy Sparkkk. xD
Now I can just say, what SparkyGizmo said^
Yes, not a single word I'd change or use differently, exactly as you did, in it's entirety, is what I whole heartedly believe in, and practice as well! ❤
My wonderful, ultra thoughtful and consistently amazing Spidey Twinnn, I'm just beyond grateful for you and the way you think! (Lol no not just because we have a similar thought process, but because you validate every single thing I feel so so much and it just feels good being understood and embraced in the comfiest possible way).
There's a lot of peace in letting an (on purpose) argumentative, set in their own beliefs and closed off perspective- person believe that 2+2=5 if they aren't willing to see and understand, instead of "making them understand". ~ "Sure, you got it, 5 it is. 😊" (now let's not be in the same space for like 5 years lollll is what my mind tells me xD)
I actually don't have more to say because you touched all the high points and so well!
We've got enough going in our personal lives already, we can all use a safe, comfortable, non judgmental and drama-free place, let 7 cups be that for everyone.
If everyone can be respectful, kind and supportive, we are all winning together. No need to "be the right one" or prove ourselves right! Your kindness and grit will speak more for you than any justification or explanation! ❤
I love how @Jenna reflected for the question asked and agree as well. ❤
A mix of validation, empathy and understanding, while being patient and accommodating of everyone, is the best possible way to respond, I feel! Truly, let's all be supportive and kind towards each other! ❤
This is a fantastic series, H, thankyou for allowing us to seek, share and learn from one another! ❤
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou
Hi Good Day Sunshine! 😊❤️ My wonderful Spidey Twin, I'm so glad that you enjoyed H's post as much as I did, as well as connected to my responses to it! Bammm, indeed! 😊 Weeeeeeee weeeeee! 😊
I loved your responses as well and they all made my *heart sing* ❤️ I too am most grateful for you as a teammate, a leader here in our community, as a friend and as a human being that is here on this platform to do so many good things and for all of us! You are here and for all of the right reasons and have been, always! ❤️
Nothing pleases me more than to know that you, as well as your feelings, have been validated and by me specifically! Feels good to be understood, does it not? ❤️❤️❤️ Agreed, you are my wonderful Spidey Twin and you and I are incredibly like minded people! Bammm! 😊
I could not agree with you more. We all, as people, have enough going on in our real lives. We are all human beings behind this screen, with a heart, a pulse, with feelings. It's unfortunate to see others roaming the site that are either unable to recognize this or simply do not care. This should be a safe place for us all and I see it as sacred ground. In the words of the great Madea (lol 😊) "I can do bad all by myself". haha haha None of us need others to come on this site to instigate, to provoke, to become combative.
I, like you, choose not to "equalize". For each action, there is typically an equal and opposite reaction in the way that the universe functions. I "nope" out of that one! 😊❤️ Pretty interesting when you have the intention, the mind set of not equalizing. Zero equal and opposite reaction from me. Leaves that energy hanging and they can take it on somewhere else, lol. The other party is unfilled now. I didn't give them the "pay off". They will feel off kilter, unrewarded. Hmmm....yes...to the offending party.....what is that strange feeling that you carry around now all day long? Oh, it was me, ignoring you and refusing to engage, lol! 😊
*high fives* 😊 and big big *hugs* ❤️ Keep rockin' the house Good Day Sunshine! 😊
