Weekly Therapist Check-in: Identifying your Inner Critic
How many of you have noticed what your inner critic tells you throughout the day? When you feel bad, anxious or ashamed I’d like you to pause and notice how you are talking to yourself in your mind. If you are being judgy towards yourself- saying that what you are feeling is “bad” or “ not right” or you are telling yourself you “should” or “shouldn't” have done this or that- it’s likely that your inner critic has taken over. What I encourage you to do today is take a moment to NOTICE what you are telling yourself when you are feeling bad, and NAME it- i.e. “my inner critic is telling me that I’m not good enough because I didn’t get through my to do list”. I’d really like to hear what you observed your inner critic is saying to you throughout the day. Looking forward to hearing from you, Johanna
@JohannaLiasidesMSc
Pausing and identifying our self-critical thoughts sounds like it could be very helpful. Going to try this next time I'm too self-critical of myself. Thanks for sharing!💜
@innateJoy9602
I look forward to hearing how it goes!
@JohannaLiasidesMSc
This is a very helpful post, thank you!
I believe when we stop for a moment and really try to think about why we are saying certain things to ourselves we will can find the root of it. My inner critic used to tell myself in the past so not anymore "I can't do anything right" which was based on a learned desire for perfection. So, if something similar happens again I respond to my inner critic "I do not need to be perfect, but try the best I can" what takes the pressure away.
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@amiablePeace77
I'm glad you found this post useful! I really like you how respond to your inner critic nowadays. How do you feel after you tell yourself that you don't need to be perfect, and trying your best will suffice? I agree with you that noticing what our inner critic says is a first step to exploring why we are saying these things to ourselves. For instance, you very perceptively pointed out that your inner critic tells you that you can't do anything right. Did anyone at home or school insinuate that you couldn't do things right growing up?
@JohannaLiasidesMSc
Hi there and thank you for your reply to my post.
Knowing and having internalized that I do not need to be perfect makes me feel good about myself and I can prevent too harsh judgements towards what I do. The root of it lays in childhood experience at home having been told "You can't do anything right". This can happen when a parent is overly stressed and was brought up with very high expectations themselves so they will apply the same to the child. This is one of the reasons why I consider teaching the practise of mindfulness in schools as very important to create more mindful homes and societies.
@amiablePeace77
I agree with you, mindfulness is such a useful tool to teach in schools. It can teach kids to notice, name and then detach/defuse from their inner critic. It must have been vey discouraging hearing that you "couldn't do anything right"; even though you know that your parents were stressed and raised with high expectations themselves, it was not okay for them to make you feel inadequate and stifle your confidence. Have you ever tried using mindfulness to help you detach from your inner critic and, if so, how did it go for you?
@JohannaLiasidesMSc
Listening to mindfulness meditation videos about the Inner Critic and using positive self affirmations helped me a lot. Another thing I did was to write down everything I accomplished in my life. Today my focus is more on what I have achieved and not what I did not. Volunteering here gave me confidence back.
yea I'm very hard on and abusive to myself
@angelbunnie00
I'm sorry to hear this :( What kind of abusive things do you tell yourself?
But what happens when that inner critic is right? I get what your saying and I try so hard to ignore it, but my inner critic has saved my life before so there’s a huge part of my brain that is like that voice is so much smarter than you are.
@akay06 I have an inner critic and they are not all wrong but let me give you an example.
I drop a dish while washing dishes. The inner critic says "you idiot. What did you do that for? You are always messing up."
So I say what is the reality? The dish is broken so I sweep it up and put it in the trash can.
Does that mean I am an idiot? Or was this a simple act of losing focus and my mind wandered? It was an accident. I did not do that, it happened because I was lost in thought. I only mess up sometimes not always. So I present the other side of the story because the inner critic usually exaggerates my mistakes and does not give me credit for what I do right.
@soulsings
This is indeed a very helpful technique! Our inner critic may focus on our perceived faults and make us believe that we are to blame for things that have gone wrong or not as expected....however, as you point out, can there be other explanations for what has happened that don't have to do with us being inadequate? Exploring other explanations and presenting the other side of the story is a useful way of balancing things out, as our inner critic will always exaggerate mistakes and blame us for things.
@akay06
I see what you mean, it sounds like you are confused about when to listen to your inner critic and when not to. Because you feel like your inner critic saved you in the past, you may find yourself listening to what your inner critic says just in case s/he is pointing to red flags that you need to be aware of. I'd like to hear more about which way you feel like your inner critic saved you in the past if you are open to sharing :)
My relationship with my inner critic is evolving. This critic inside used to dominate me in the (not so distant) past. But the situation has changed eversince I started accepting my flaws. Earlier, the critic inside used to belittle my efforts and hardwork which often resulted in the feeling of inadequacy, overwhelmness and incompetence. Ultimately one such episode of criticism (based on any kinds of mistakes) would eat away my confidence and leave me with low self-esteem for weeks. I, being an introvert, then used to prefer not to try again.
After going through such cycles many times, I started thinking about why I was doing this to myself. Actually I was resonating the phrases of critics around me. I was using the language of my perfectionist supervisor, my jealous peers or my judgemental family members in my self talks. I was seeing myself from an assessor's perspective when I was actually a doer.
Then slowly I tried to replace the abusive, blaming and harsh self talks with empathy and self compassion.
Still, sometimes the judgy me wakes up at the wrong times. But gradually things are getting better.
I haven't still found out how can I use this inner critic for growth (which I think is it's main purpose). But I'm happy we are going in the right direction where I'm getting my confidence and self-esteem back.
@agreeableDime6679
You made incredible progress in regards to exploring where your inner critic comes from, how it affects you and nurturing another voice which is more compassionate within you. Well done! I like how you are quickly able to identify which voice your inner critic is mimicking- e.g. supervisors, peers and family members. I'd like to explore with you your question about how to use your inner critic for growth. I'd like you to think of a coach or teacher who really helped you grow or learn a new skill in the past and bring them to mind. How did this coach speak to you to help you identify what to work on and motivate you to change- through judgements or criticisms or constructive feedback.....through putting you down or empowering you and helping you believe that you can learn and grow in the way you want to?
@JohannaLiasidesMSc
Thanks for the appreciation. It's been a long journey and such encouraging responses do matter alot for me. So thanks alot❤️
Besides, I remember there was a teacher of mine who actually made me achieve betterat college. I can never forget some of her most important and impactful qualities/ways.
1. She always asked me to apply this strategy of breaking up hard things in small doable chunks. Always advised to take baby steps instead of taking long leaps. So that failures, self blaming and guilt could be avoided.
2. Interestingly she never showed unnecessary criticism. I remember how she always showed compassion while teaching different concepts.
3. She had this habit of reminding me about the end target. But somehow she never put any pressure regarding that goal.
4. I remember she always gave feedback on my performance but one thing she never did was giving negative criticism. And probably that was the very reason I performed well in her course.
5. Another important aspect that I remember regarding her was her consistent efforts. She never wasted time blaming or abusing any students. Rather she used to quickly switch from "feedback giving" mode to "starting new chapter" mode.
@agreeableDime6679@agreeableDime6679
What an amazing professor you had! I like how she taught you practical techniques (e.g. breaking things down), showed compassion and understanding towards you, and knew when to switch from feedback giving to motivate you to take next steps. I encourage you to channel this professor whenever you want to give feedback to yourself. You can ask yourself, "Is my inner critic helping me like my professor did or making me feel lousy about myself?" If your inner critic is making you feel lousy, then it's important to bring to mind all the ways that your professor helped you and guide yourself in those ways. As you saw from your professors, there are ways to motivate and empower you that do not involve criticism and I hope you embrace these healthy ways when relating to yourself!
That inner critic can really influence one's external behavior. Particularly those who have a tightly coupled self-other concept, those unmanageable feelings explode into external projections. I appreciate the post! I'm always attempting to gently encourage others to introspect and claim their inner selves. Inner voices are fascinating to consider. ❤ Take care!
@miraculousParadise2759
Good point, our inner critic can influence our external behaviour and the way we think about and relate to others. In what ways has your inner critic shaped your external behaviour?
Thank you! I'm probably speaking gibberish to an expert haha. I do hide behind a mask of immortal intellectualism. Perhaps I need to introspect my own projections if not other defenses. I have much growing to do. I hope you're contented in your work, complex and confusing the mind is, just as university politics, you'd think the whole campus needs a trip to the psych department for evaluation!
@miraculousParadise2759
Not at all! Every person is an expert of him/herself. Yes, it could be that you project your internalized criticisms on to others, thinking that they may see you or feel about you in the same way. Have you noticed this before?
Absolutely, it's an odd sensation when you catch yourself accusing someone of what you're feeling. I do find self depreciation a successful strategy to avoid appearing threatening or out of touch. I bet you're a wonderful counselor! Sounds like you go above and beyond. Cheers!
@miraculousParadise2759
Thank you for your kind words! I get that it may be odd, and sometimes confusing too, to differentiate whether it is your feeling you are projecting or whether the other person does in fact have unkind feelings towards you....In what ways are you able to differentiate between the two?
Contempt for another is contempt for ourselves. Projection when that criticism doesn't describe us, if it does then it's good to own it and adjust oneself. Does one's identity come from an internal understanding of oneself and others, or an image swayed by public perception? A politician or celebrity may answer the latter.
@JohannaLiasidesMSc
Hi, I saw this post just now, and I'd just had an encounter with my inner critic. I struggle with binge eating and someone brought home a box of cookies. I'd had a good day with my eating today but as soon as I saw them I gobbled up six in a few minutes and my inner critic said 'you have no self control, you can't even get through one day' But thank you so much for this post. Even typing this right now makes me feel a teeny bit better.
I want to learn to respond to this critic because I deal with her daily :(
@stallion3 oh is that the inner critic? I have one of those I call it the Cookie Monster! lol
@stallion3
I'm happy to hear that my post made you feel better! Thanks for taking the time to respond and sharing what happened during the day which triggered your inner critic. It must have felt like such an accomplishment to have a good day, and I can imagine that you felt very disappointed when you ate some of those cookies. Our inner critics feed on disappointment, so your inner critic may have taken the opportunity to feed on this and grow in your mind. In this situation I would invite compassion in your mind, by asking yourself, what would I tell a friend if she had a good eating day and then came home, saw a box of cookies in front of her and started eating them?....and then try talking to yourself the way you would to that friend who felt disappointed about deviating from her eating plan.
I appreciate your post very much! I have a very hard time not believing what my inner critic tells me... Its voice is just so loud, it always tells me how my friends are smarter, better, and more productive than me, and that I should be more like them, even if I try my best everyday... It is honestly so draining and I just wish to shut down my negative thoughts and get to work.
@lu1dpeace
Your inner critic must be exhausting you :( It seems to set you up for feeling bad by comparing you unfavourably to others and then making you seem like you fall short. You can also try the radio technique I shared earlier of imagining that you are listening to a radio and tuning into the "not good enough" channel, and then practice lowering the volume, changing the channel etc. You can even sing what your inner critic tells you with a silly tune, such as the "happy birthday" song or any other song you can think of. As you sing it out load, you may be able to distance yourself from what the inner critic is saying, and may be able to see it as it is- a string of words that don't necessarily hold true.
@JohannaLiasidesMSc its a very helpful post but i cant help feeling that my inner critic has made me a better person like my overall external image or what we call the person i like everyone to see me as. It makes me feel horrible but i m more self aware and i feel like i should embrace the critic as it is the manifestation of my insecurities.
@Reaper17
I do understand how you feel your critic keeps you on your toes, making sure you project the image you want other people to see you as. How do you want others to view you and how might this be different to how you feel inside?
@JohannaLiasidesMSc i want to be picture perfect i want to be viewed as the perfect person or as close to perfection as someone can be but this is because i m actually looking for validation so i try to look as smart, mature, kind, beautiful as i can
“Sympathy is the only love you are worthy of”
@DamagedDad89
Thanks for sharing this quote...I'd like to hear more about that.... what makes sympathy the only love one is worthy of from your point of view?
