Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Checkin - Monday 7th August 2017
After two days of relaxation, the Monday is a bit of a struggle to start working. Anyways my dearest friends, So how is the Monday been for you? And what is your expectation from the upcoming week? Let me know the challenges for this week? Also how the challenges can be addressed?
You may have many questions and many for which we have no answers ight now. Remeber what Rainer Rilke had said for that.
Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves. Dont search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer. – Rainer Maria Rilke
All of you are amazing people here and I wish you an amazing week ahead. Take care of yourself people. You all have stayed strong and been amazing till here and continue to stay awesome.
To add/remove your name from the daily checkin tag list, please click here
@Avaray @vriska44 @Shadeshack @BeeLeigh @Faeryschild @dancingRainbow45 @Lavendermoonlight @KLM3278 @sujaypai
@sweetMelody95 @jr50 @agreeableKite4304 @PhoenixPatronus @Morfo66 @themainjane @raycascotch
@KatieMoon1 @conscientiousPineapple1782 @Tamba @inventiveOrange1 @Jenna0903 @melliotm @PanamaBanana
@AutumnLeigh @DeborahUK @PuppyLove13 @BradyChay2310 @HearingYourHeart @vriska @TreesandWine
@guyb @chayil @Sharkradio @MKjart @AnnaKateMillerLCSW @Tamba @Celestialvoid @WaterLily16 @TheAsh @MKJart @Asiam1971 @philosophicalship9444 @Chayil @rumplesteeleskin @Survivetoalive @exuberantTriangle2562 @coraline23 @Lilyflower0817 @caterpillargirl @Survivetoalive @exuberantTriangle2562 @coraline23 @Ivorycat5573 @fearlessPear8268 @themainjane @SemicolonSurvivor @weare1 @weareall1 @Annaka1 @moonchild95 @summernight69 @warmheartedTurtle6662 @sheaintgotnoshoes
@rationalWillow8882 @AMusicalSilence @catsith @energeticPenny8 @Rebekahwriter13 @behindhazeleyes @sensitiveShade5337
@singercrystalspirit @wittyTree8219
@sujaypai
So how is the Monday been for you? And what is your expectation from the upcoming week? Let me know the challenges for this week? Also how the challenges can be addressed?
It's been ok. Not sure. I wish to feel more safe and have better confident... I kinda at moment feel low a bit bcs can't do much so much stuff that wish and would like to know answers..
@conscientiousPineapple1782 I am glad it has been okay but there is some sort of confusion there also seems something didn
@conscientiousPineapple1782
It is hard not knowing the answers, it can feel unsafe. You are safe right now even if it doesn't feel like it is a mantra of mine when I feel this way. Positive thoughts your way!!
<3
@MKJart
Aw thank you! <3
@conscientiousPineapple1782 Try to develop a rich inner life, that way, when you are not able to accomplish what you like, you can color your existence with your imagination.
I thought I'd start my day, before work, with quick experience I had of a trauma in my childhood. I'll try and make it quick. Hope it doesn't bore anyone. I tend to end up writing like an essay, but with limited time this morning, I'll try and make it short.
When I was in Grade 4 (I'm now 30), I experienced a disturbing call from a male stranger, every day, after school hours, for a month. Coming from a Chinese culture, we were taught since we were young that it was rude to hang up the phone on people. So, I forced myself to keep listening. This male stranger knew my name, and let's just say, he made disgusting and perverted noises into the phone. When I got older, I think he might've been masturbating. Anyways, it lasted for a month because my family finally realized that my behavior changed. And we sat down as a family and I told them what has been happening. Back then, both my parents worked, and since my older brother have after school sports activities, I was always home alone. My dad then forwarded the home phone to his cell phone, so that a male will be picking up the phone. And the calls eventually stopped.
But ever since then, I've been afraid to answer any phone calls that ring at home. We later got Caller ID. But, unless it was immediate family, I still won't pick up the phone. To this day, if I'm needed to make a phone call, whether it be a doctor's appointment, school campus, bank, you name it, I hesitate so much. Rehearse every possible thing that the other person can say to me, what I'd say, how to answer it. But before I can actually pick up the phone and dial the number, this goes on for about 10 minutes or so. My hands start to tremble, I feel my body shaking, shortness of breath. I'm always afraid of hearing that same-toned male voice on the other end. Even when I know the person I'm calling is a female, it's just talking on the phone in general that gives me the creeps. So, whenever I get a coworker's contact, I always tell them to text me instead of calling me. I'm more than likely to reply a text message, than to pick up their call.
This is one of the traumas that I've had as a child and which still affects me to this day.
Thanks for listening, and enjoy your day!~
@Jaeteuk
Wow you've been through a lot. That's terrifying. You have every right to be hesistant and cautious about picking up phone calls. Sorry your still struggling though 
Stay strong love
@Jaeteuk
Welcome to the trauma community. I'm so sorry to hear that you went through all of that and I totally get you're anxiety.
Mary
@Jaeteuk. Wow, that would be traumatizing as a child. It would be scary. I can totally understand why you would still feel that way. I have trouble answering the phone too but I'm not sure why. That was great of your family to notice so soon and stop the calls. Nowadays a lot of parents might notice but wouldn't really do anything. You have a great day! ☺☺☺
@wittyTree8219
I'm just a bit worried about my new career in the future. I'm waiting for an acceptance in a program to become a Surgical Equipment Technician. The first year or so, is temporary, on-call work. It means they'll call you to see if you can work to fill-in other staff at hospitals. Which means I'll be needing to pick up the phone. I'm still worried about that part, when it comes. Not sure, if I can really get myself to answer the calls. But, to become a Certifed Technician, I need to have worked at least a year's worth of hours, before I can do the exam for the Certification. So, kind of scared of that part right now~
@sujaypai
Its another day of being sleepy and tired after sleeping at 3am. I don't want to eat neither want to do anything.. but I played PlayStation with my twin bro so that's something!
Passed out early last night (and forgot to eat dinner -- oops). Nightmares of a triggering variety interrupted my sleep in the wee hours. Was up for a couple hours, thoroughly unsettled.
Even after getting back to sleep I found it difficult to shake the lingering discomfort, every little sound jolting me awake. A little meditation helped to ground me somewhat, but am still feeling totally off centre. Thoughts are racing and scattered atm, muscles tense and taut with anxiousness.
My challenge is to find a way to accept with compassion these unpleasant feelings (or emotional flashbacks, I suppose, because triggered) that I don't entirely understand nor particularly want to sit with but have been stirred up for whatever reason, while trying to remain present in the moment and hopefully still accomplish some of the essential tasks ahead of me today (many of which I've been putting off for a while now).
Happy Monday. 🙃
@melliotm
Hugs mellio
@MKJart hugs Mary 💟
@melliotm be gentle with yourself melli. Im sure some of the tasks will wait longer too.
Our fort is still up and open for all. Im needing it today. Hugs
@melliotm. I'm sorry you feel that way. I wake up early with anxiety a lot too. You seem to have a good attitude about dealing with it. That's good. Hope you sleep well next time.
@wittyTree8219 Thanks :)
@sujaypai
Monday is already a struggle. My demons came straight at me last night. I had night terrors and nightmares all night. It's made me very anxious and on edge (even more than usual) and the lack of sleep has me depressed. The challenge for this week, would be to hide everything from other people and to pull myself together because I'm completely and utterly alone again. And that scares me. It will also be a challenge to sleep after the horror I experienced last night. I don't know how I'm going to make myself sleep. Any ideas? However I do know how I'm going to accomplish the other 2 goals. Simple. Nobody notices anything with a fake smile and an I'm tired or I'm fine. People in rl are such idiots. They don't see anything. Sorry for taking up space sorry
@SemicolonSurvivor
Hey Survivor, You are a survivor. Sorry you're feeling like you have to apologize for taking up space and I hope you never have to feel that way here. You're valued and important and deserve to be noticed. Keep reaching out and 7 cups is here OK.
Mary
@SemicolonSurvivor hey hun, no need to apologize. We're here and we care. It is hard when you can't sleep. I have a lot of trouble sleeping too. I get really anxious and fidgety. And I hear ya about people. They don't really know what's going on inside us or how we feel. I'm here to listen any time you want to talk. I've been struggling a lot since I live alone now but I'm glad I found you guys all here. We can hold each other up. Hugs💟💟💟
@sujaypai
Thanks Sujay. My Monday has been nice so far. I had coffee with a friend this morning, have a few to do's to vanguish and then another friend is coming to work in the clay studio with me this afternoon. Life is generally good, maybe a scale of 7-8.
The challenges I'm facing right now is for some reason I lied to my therapist when I was asked if anything else was coming up for me that we hadn't talked about yet. I said no when that was far from the truth. Not sure why I lied, I just clammed up and have felt guilty since. I wrote her a note apologizing and explaining that I had lied, but I haven't heard back yet. My sleep has been broken since my Wed session, but last night I slept soundly- possibly because I came clean about lying- I can't imagine negative response, just help trying to figure out why I did it- little anxious waiting for her response.
Has anyone else done this without meaning to? Why pay good money for therapy and then not tell the truth? My behavior confuses me.
Hugs and hope your Monday is good, Mary
@MKJart "Has anyone else done this without meaning to? Why pay good money for therapy and then not tell the truth? My behavior confuses me."
From my own experience, it boils down to an intersection of trust issues, shame, and a lifetime of defensive measures that our trauma brains have developed as a survival mechanism. Even misguided (or completely unwarranted) fear of judgement, or unconscious denial to avoid confronting the past can be a factor. Ultimately, kindness and patience and especially forgiveness towards yourself in these confusing, seemingly self-defeating moments are paramount. Trauma recovery is a time-consuming, frustrating and oft times confusing process that regularly defies logic and reason.
@MKJart
I don't think it's something to worry about, Mary. I think it's sort of an instinctual response, that you didn't really actively choose to lie so much as it was a defense mechanism of some sort, or perhaps a defense you're used to when you're tired and don't feel like talking about something at the moment. It sounds like you're aware of it, so maybe you could start to notice other situations, if you do this same behavior. Once you're noticing a behavior, you can decide whether it's a behavior you'd like to continue, or whether you'd like to change it. xo -Singer
@MKJart I think more people do this than you may think. Part of it is because perhaps the person isnt quite ready to say whats happening for them, or they are not in a place where they have the space physically and emotionally to cope with it. The down side of course is that if the therapist doesnt know whats happening, then they are more disadvanted to be able to support you effectively. It could be that the therapist is due to go away and perhaps this leaves a client feeling vulnerable in sharing and so maybe would want to wait until the therapist returned from a break, or perhaps they dont trust the therapist. It could also be the persons own feelings and thoughts particularly negative ones such as guilt, shame etc that prevent them from talking to their therapist
One thing I will say, is that most therapists are aware of the issues many trauma survivors face, even without them disclosing and sometimes its not what you do say, but what you dont say, which says a lot more...and can give a lot more away. You may worry that your therapist will judge you or reject you or blame you but you also wont be the first client to have felt this. Perhaps also fear gets in the way of a client disclosing something and being honest about whats happening for them
If you can try and be honest with your therapist, because the more they know, the better able they are to fully support you and remember as well for those who dont say anything but expect a therapist to know whats happening for them....they cant read minds either lol
@dancingRainbow45 @melliotm @singercrystalspirit
Thank you all. I heard back from my therapist and she was very supportive. Thanked me for my honesty and said pretty much the same things that you all said. That it isn't uncommon to have that urge to lie in therapy because of shame, fear of judgement, not being ready, that sometimes things are just hard to verbalize. We came up with a plan for Wed and I felt heard, understood and relieved.
@MKJart See what a lil bit of honesty can do, and I bet you feel perhaps relieved or reassured somewhat? Glad you felt able to talk to her.
@dancingRainbow45
Yes, I felt very relieved!
@MKJart
Yay!!!!
Kinda already given up on today. I'd rather be back in bed, but here I am, at work! 🙃
@BeeLeigh
Hey Bee, Sorry Monday isn't so good so far. Being at work when you'de rather be home is soooooo frik'n hard. Sending positive thoughts your way and hoping your day gets even just a little brighter. <3
Mary
@MKJart
Hey Mary, you can join me, @melliotm, @inventiveOrange1, and @TreesandWine in the fort if you want. I'll be there in a couple hours as soon as I get outta work! :)
@BeeLeigh hang in there Bee. Mondays are bad but will end eventually. Hugs
@BeeLeigh *hugs* Rumour has it that @inventiveOrange1 has a fort up and running. So even though you're stuck at work, you can always seek sanctuary with us via the magic the internet. ⛺🙃❤️
@melliotm @BeeLeigh we dont hav a real fire but got a fake one going with lots of blankets and food. Hoping to forget outside exists https://imgur.com/sQffPGu
@inventiveOrange1
I love that you have an actual fort just up in your house! ❤️
@inventiveOrange1. I love that you have a fort. I need more blankets and pillows.
@BeeLeigh Is it fort o'clock yet for you? I very nearly had a panic attack over the silliest little nothingburger 🙃⛺ And my roommate has a friend over who I think is spending the night and I feel ugly and gross today. Blargh.
@melliotm
It could be! I'm still at work though. I got a few things to finish up before I go. I had a call earlier, and the woman told me that I was so pleasant to speak to that it had just made her day, and that kinda made mine. And I had another call like that about an hour ago. So today improved a little :)
@BeeLeigh Yaaay 😀😎😸😁
@melliotm
I love Friends!! My brother and his girlfriend surprised me with the cups party they threw for Rachel! :)
@BeeLeigh Awww nice!!! 😁
@melliotm
His girlfriend even made me the hat that Phoebe wears during the party! It was a pretty awesome birthday surprise 😊 I still have the cup hat too 😂
@BeeLeigh that's sounds like fun. I love friends too💜💜
@melliotm. I love your words. Blargh I'll have to remember that one. I feel ugly and icky too when someone else comes over. I like nothing burger too. Makes me smile. Hugs
@sujaypai thanks sujay. Sorry not been posting. A vey up and down weekend and a really bad day at work.
I was expecting it to be difficult and it was. Black alert again in the hosp, no staff and my junior taken. I didnt react well and ended up sh cos i couldnt deal with the stress and feeling like i couldnt focus which wasnt good for them. It added to the having to fake being ok with family yesterday and it got worse.
I ended up calling hubby to come get me a little earlier than finish time. Didnt say why just that had abdominal pain which was also true. We still have the fort up and going to stay in there this evening. Im not expecting the week to get much better but still trying to be present and acknowledge the small things.
We have a really hard day coming up next sunday and hubby and i havent asked parents to be involved but am thinking we may not cope otherwise.
Hope it gets better for everyone.
@inventiveOrange1
You have a fort? :D Love it. Hugs. <3
@inventiveOrange1 hugs & support, Orange. X
@inventiveOrange1 Hey Orange, I hope today is feeling a little easier for you than yesterday sounded for you. No need for apologies, you only post when you want to and when you need to. No one expects anyone to post, if they really dont want to, so dont worry about that
Was it the stress of having people off work, that made things difficult for you yesterday? What support from management if any do you have? It is always hard when we dont feel good to have to fake it around others. Sometimes that can be a good thing because it gets us through the day but the down side is, we shove aside our needs whilst being expected to take care of others.
When your husband collected you from work, were you able to talk to him about what was going on for you, and did you find him supportive at all for you? Would it help do you think, if you could share how you felt, or what was going on, so that you could feel supported more by him?
@dancingRainbow45 sorry i just feel guilty if people worry. I know i do if i haven't seen anyone for a while. Things arent great if im honest. Yesterday had a close call at work and really dont think i should be here but yet i am. Stuck feeling worse if i let them down too so i keep coming in. But yet get angry at myself for not doing enough and end up sh so cant win.
Hubby really isnt doing great and scattering their ashes this weekend is something we both are going to find really hard. It is difficult to know what to do. Holding out until therapist comes next week but i dont know if im strong enough anymore. Think had a panic attack last night but never had one before so no idea if it was real. Just got scared and couldnt breathe and felt suffocated. Had to open window and stick head in the rain for a bit to feel anything again. Didnt tell hubby but he is off today and down and staying in bed.
Im so sorry for everyinewhere who is going through so much. I really wish i could help more. Our fort is coming down today too otherwise would offer its sanctuary.
@inventiveOrange1 sorry you're going through that. Hugs hugs
@sujaypai
I love this quote!! Thank you!
@sujaypai
Love this quote.. and great picture too! Thank you sujay.Challenge for this week is to stay in the moment, despite any turmoil that may be around. How will I do this? Pause, breathe, and feel the calm.. put a skip in my step.. and go on.
Hope your week goes well!