Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check-in Tuesday 20th February 2018

@rozie

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@rozie

hi

Hey trauma family, this is going to be long but I am really concerned about making sure I do what is good for me and I want to ask.

I need advice.

This morning I woke up and my ex's best friend had added me on Facebook. This person is someone who would intentionally add me for some reason... could be a benign reason, but, it's not someone who just goes through Facebook a lot adding people. I haven't seen this person in three years, nor kept up with him. I was quite fond of him at the time... (but was my perception of humans skewed at the time? and my ability to self care was certainly skewed). I do remember there was one time when my ex had been particularly nasty to me, and I went to this person in tears and I asked him if I was a bitch (my ex had told me I was acting like a bitch), and he told me, "No, you're not a bitch." At the time, that had meant the world to me. Because he was my ex's friend before he was my friend, so if he was on anyone's "side" he was on my ex's "side." Even though I did consider him a friend. I was always particularly fond of this person, for no real reason. I just felt an affinity with him. We didn't ever even really talk that much, although we spend a considerable amount of time together.

In retrospect, I slowly became furious that this person and all of my other friends let the abuse (or, even if not abuse, me getting used) recur ongoing, without honestly confronting me about it or telling me I would be better off to leave the relationship.

I'm not sure what the good-for-me thing to do is. I got some anxiety for a while when I got the friend request... then I sort of settled into it... I accepted his friend request. I thought, "maybe he has good intentions," "it could be nice to have some of those past connections so I'm not just slicing a chunk of my life away as though it didn't exist," "I'm depressed and anxious, so I'm supposed to be practicing assuming the best intentions of people," "he can't hurt me and neither can my ex anymore -- the past is in the past," etc.

Of course, there are other thoughts too, such as, "maybe he's spying on me," "maybe I will end up getting back together with my ex and being happy," "maybe my ex broke up with me for my own good and really did love me incredibly," "maybe my ex broke up with me because I still had an eating disorder without admitting it, and maybe I was really the cause of the demise of the relationship"

I'm sitting with all of this... it's conflicting thoughts and emotions I haven't dealt with for quite some time, as I haven't been reminded of them, as I've left all of those people in my life behind, slowly. With those people still in my life I had found it impossible to move on, even though they seemed to think I should. However, if I am being honest with myself, even without those people in my life anymore, thoughts about my ex would still sometimes haunt me, and thoughts about my past, and pain and sadness at having lost all of those connections and my entire life.

I don't have a trauma therapist who has been working with me this whole time. I don't have friends from that time in life to really ask... well... yes I do (a few -- although they aren't people who actually KNEW my ex or this person)... and if I did, I imagine they would say "Ummm, delete him!!" I have my family to ask for advice, and I did... I heard back from my brother, and he said "Ummm, DELETE!"... and then he said "if he makes you think about your ex and you don't want to think about your ex, axe him"... my sister's advice was to evaluate the reasons why I'm not friends with him anymore (reason: I couldn't bear to be reminded of my ex + fury that my ex's friends treated me like I didn't exist anymore after the breakup) and take into consideration where I'm at now and see if things have changed (can I bear thinking about my ex now? I mean, I think about him anyway sometimes, as I mentioned. and can I forgive my ex's friends? does forgiving them mean being friends again at all?) and if it's someone I want in my life again if I plan on moving past just being friends on Facebook and actually talking and stuff like that -- or, if I don't want him seeing my Facebook (which, if he is "spying" on me... well, that would be a concern) just unfriend him... my mom's advice agreed with my siblings' advice... and I have you, my trauma family to ask for advice.

At this point... although my fear of being spied upon by this person for my ex was large in the past... I have a feeling it wasn't really true, and it was a fear fed by the environment I was in. (This guy was in tech and did lots of hacking... coupled with my ex being really into conspiracy theories and there being a lot of mistrust between myself and my ex). But even if that fear is unfounded, I stayed a long time in an unhealthy relationship because I was trying really hard to be positive about it. So after the fact, I developed a fear of having a positive attitude for fear it would lead me to ignore reality. *Sigh*. I would kind of like to be friends with this person again, and still... but in my brain, it's a short slope between that, and between getting back together with my ex for a happily ever after.

I know (I can tell) I'm in a season in life where I'm solving problems that actually exist, rather than solving the problems I THINK are the problems. So... in other words, I'm in a season of picking apart "triggers" and desensitizing them. However... I'm scared that I'm going to end up in the end being the one who made the mistakes and was "wrong," (rather than my ex being the one who abused me) the thoughts I've been fighting this whole time.

Part of me feels aftaid that the fact that I am writing this post points to me being the one who was in the wrong and who is now recovering... like I am a liar and have been lying to you all this whole time about what awful abuse I underwent, and like all of you are secretly afraid of my evilness (or something). So I'm back in the mindset I fought so hard to get out of, the mindset I was in when I was with my ex and he was manipulating reality... the mindset that I'm a liar and that I don't know how to perceive reality. Argh. That was a horrible place mentally and I don't want to go back there. But I do have to deal with it. Even if this person hadn't Facebook friended me, I would have had to confront it eventually. Right? Or is that wrong? Am I better off if I leave that life and that world far, far behind me? Is the only reason I am considering being friends with this person again because I am so depressed lately and not feeling like myself?

What say you?

@rozie

My day sucks, I'm pissed off and I hate this place right now. That's all I have to say today :'(

I am lost and hurting and feeling so very vulnerable. I wrote a new poem hoping it would help me process easier. I saw a picture today (of one of my abusers) that triggered me but I also feel like I am easily triggered at the moment. I am apprehensive about upcoming appointment. And I am scared of everything at the moment. I want to retreat and stop trying but I want to reach out and feel cared for which is frustrating because I don't feel like I deserve it 😞

@rozie

Today I feel better than yesterday but feeling a bit sick about whats on the horizon.

@rozie

Today was an alright day. Started out hectic, then slowly turned into a cleaning day (which has been put off for a few days). I've been working on being more open about my mental health with my husband and he's been incredibly supportive and is trying to help me find new coping techniques to help with my depression and anxiety. I want the rest of today to be calm and pleasant.

My day went well and I am also drinking coffee but at the end of a day with a tasty biscuit. Today was a challenging day because my students were extra talkative today and sometimes it can be stressful trying to get them all to listen but magically they do. It is challenging for me because they test my patience but feel that always I

@rozie Rough day. Progress made but in the end it doesn't matter. I'm just so tired ...been on yhis road so long. And if anytbing no matter the progress i feel.more messed up than ever

How is your day going? Couldn't get a perm today since they said I had to much product. Ready for a divorce - made that decision yesterday. Ready to talk to anyone in this world that actually wants to care and respond to me!!!!

How did you challenge yourself today? Went to new eye dr to figure out why I have eye pain AGAIN!!!!!, Not calling 911 which I really want to do right now. DIdn't SH which I really want to do right now.