Facing Holiday Associated Trauma
Dear Readers,
For many, this time of year is associated with warmth, togetherness, and childhood memories. For survivors of trauma, however, this time of year may be exceptionally difficult. For many of us, it may feel as though we’re left outside in the cold, looking through frosted windows to witness the burning embers of the more fortunate. When trauma occurs within the familial structure, the holes in one’s life become viscerally evident, especially in the face of traditional family values. For many of us, the gaps we feel become somehow widened and seemingly bottomless. So, what can we do to cope with this specific type of grief?
1. Chosen Family
Chosen family is one of the greatest gifts of humankind. When you’re left with a family that constantly challenges your wellness, perpetuates toxicity, or allows abuse, the natural response is to create space. In my case, I moved clear across the country and intentionally placed myself in the center of healthier individuals with the purpose of learning new family dynamics. Chosen family will often supersede bloodlines with their kindness, consistency, and devotion. When our family members break our hearts we always have the option to rebuild. To this day, those closest to me are not actually related to me.
2. The Power of “No”
If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed this time of year don’t be afraid to set some firm boundaries. Frequently, we feel performative pressure to convene with family members, host events, decorate, participate, or spend money. The truth is this is a social construct that no one is required to adhere to, primarily those affected by generational trauma or dysfunctional families. You do not owe anything to anyone, and I encourage you to be less afraid to point that out when pushed beyond your comfort zone this holiday season.
3. Create New Traditions
It’s true that love and fear can not exist in the same space. Once we achieve a certain level of healing, it’s important to break out of the mold and do things differently. In my experience, I have found that breaking the cycle of trauma is often reinforced by new traditions and memories. My children will never know what my childhood was like, and for that I am grateful.
4. Gratitude
Gratitude is the guardian of your joy, plain and simple.
5. Volunteer
It goes without saying that the holiday season often brings about more opportunities to volunteer. Giving back to your community is a great way to contribute kindness where it is most needed, connect with others who may be in similar circumstances, and promote your own healing.
Hopefully some of these words resonate with you, as I know all too well the void trauma can bring, but I also know it can be filled again. 🍵
Thank you for being here. Please stay safe and encouraged this holiday season.
✨💕✨
@blitheSun94
This is really thoughtful and nice. Thanks so much for taking the time to reflect and post. ❤
Sending love to everyone coming across. 🌻
Thank you for your feedback. 🙏🏻
I don’t have any interest in the holidays whatsoever, that’s any holidays. Yes it is all rooted to childhood memories/trauma.
The way things were done/not done forever formed my feelings on the subject.
I do struggle with witnessing the closeness between families at these times. But I think back to my experiences and realize that underneath the fake exterior is a world that is not seen in public eyes. I have imagined a different outcome and my being surrounded by love not just during holidays but year round. Just a fantasy, but I have often wondered….,
I had my opportunities and failed so I will continue to celebrate my tradition of using vacation days between Christmas and new years secluded in my home away from as much of the hubbub as possible.
I apologize for another not so positive post.
Your positivity is appreciated.
I can certainly relate to that. I don’t feel obligated, except for the children. For my father it was no big thing. Nothing more than a bow on an unwrapped gift at 6am. On the other hand, it was a big deal on my mother’s side. Both are rooted in generational trauma and so none of it is good albeit the intention. My spouse is equally unenthusiastic. So, I imagine it will fade away completely soon.
No need for apologies. I appreciate your reply.
@blitheSun94
It was never a fulfilling time for me . Everyone playing it up when in reality the foundation that had shattered years prior to my birth had never been repaired.
The sperm donor only cared about money and flaunting it where it could. Including our “gifts” which were always cash. No effort whatsoever to reach to its lifeline…its wallet and pull out a little of its excess and make its pride in money grow.
The egg donor had just given up on parenthood at this point. The abuse to 4 children from the sperm donor took its toll on her.
I was an honest to god accidental make up baby. Unwanted in a marriage that failed. I’m not exaggerating in the least, that was how I came to be.
So she went through the motions but 99% of my gifts were clothes . If her relatives gave me toys , I got to play with them till we got home and she reboxed them and I never saw them again.
I don’t use any type of terms relating them to mother/father because those should be terms of endearment and love.
I have more but I have been depressing enough. Sorry bout that
@Iamwhoiamwhoami I'm sorry. I don't mean to intrude. We share some similarities with our pasts. I was also unwanted. And mine did the same with gifts. They were props in pictures and then taken away never to be seen again
@mytwistedsoul
you are not intruding in any way. I am an open book so to speak. My brain may not cooperate half the time but I am here if you need me to be. May be a delayed response due to my work but I will reply.
If you want to ask me anything I will try and answer, I appreciate your reaching out to me.
Thank you
@Iamwhoiamwhoami I just noticed you also refrain from using the typical parental phrases. I don't even type the M word and to say it makes me gag sometimes. Father is an easier one but he did less damage. She was the more abusive one. I guess I just wanted you to know that you're not alone.
Thank you as always, I am thankful to hear from you again.
@blitheSun94 Fantastic post! I agree about the chosen family, boundaries and volunteering!! Do you mind if I link this post to our Support Plus Community check in? :)
Thank you! Not at all, please do!! 💕
Very helpful post. Should be shared far and wide.
Let no one be sad or lonely this holiday season, let's be there for one another.
🌹 🥀🌹
Thank you. I am thrilled to see this post doing well. Can’t wait to read all the replies! ❤️
@blitheSun94
You do make a lot of good points but I think it’s also important to recognize that some of us- maybe more so in the teen community-, are stuck. We don’t all have the option to find our own chosen family and we can’t set boundaries with any force. We can’t create new traditions with the same people who have/are hurting us and we can’t create meaningful traditions without anyone with us. It’s nearly impossible to feel gratitude for some around this time of year and you have to be some level of doing ok to be able to volunteer your time to others, some of us aren’t.
For myself, I have nobody. I have nowhere where I belong and I also have nobody to go to when things get hard. Christmas will forever be a holiday I hate, one that brings up terrible memories for as long as people choose to talk about it. Cups isn’t even a safe place around Christmas time since from the day after thanksgiving all the way through December, that’s all you see within the site. People talking about seeing their family, but you have no family and when you did they did nothing but hurt you. People talking about giving and receiving gifts, but you- even as a small child- never received a gift and instead were informed of how bad you were and then you get hurt as a punishment. People taking about the big meal, but you have nobody to sit around a table with and you also can’t bring yourself to eat anything on a normal day, and Christmas day is no different or maybe even makes it more difficult.
Everyone treating you as though you’re wrong in some way for hating Christmas and everything associated with it, feeling like you don’t fit in anywhere, and knowing that everyone else is too busy with their own traditions and celebrations to reach out to anyone and so you are completely alone. And sometimes you just don’t have anyone to begin with, regardless of if there is a holiday or not. So you’re alone, triggered, anxious, scared, hurt, dealing with flashbacks and watching everyone else experience the total opposite, all alone.
I would love to think it is only me who has these experiences but I know it’s not. I just find that maybe I am a bit more vocal about it. It is like we are expected to be happy around Christmas time but it isn’t always possible. I understand this is an exciting time for a lot of people but it’s also a very painful time for many as well.
@Mack agree completely, relate to every word. Although sad, also a massive comfort to read this, someone who I can relate to. Thank you for being brave to share your voice.
@CalmCoral
If you need to talk about anything you know how to find me ❤️ Sometimes it feels like everyone else is so caught up in their own stuff especially this time of year, but I’m here for you.
Thanks and same right back at you!
@CalmCoral
Awww, well that is the goal after all. I’m so very glad I could help you feel less alone. ❤️
@Mack
*TW*
Very eloquently put. I promise you that insight of yours will only serve you in the future. I certainly understand what you’re describing. Being a teen is very hard, especially when there’s trauma involved. It’s so easy to feel like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel. I was blessed to surround myself with amazing friends who took me in on the holidays and quickly became chosen family. Without them, I would have been alone as well. My grandfather was the pinnacle of Christmas. His suicide shattered my family and we have never recovered from that trauma. Nothing has been the same since or will be again. For you my heart. 💕
@blitheSun94
Not sure if this needs a tw but just in case *TW*
I never liked holidays, from the time I was little, especially Christmas. Watching everyone else be so happy and excited to see family, to give and receive gifts. And it’s forced on a person everyday. In elementary school we were made to create gifts for our parents. I would bring mine home and be informed of how awful they were. Watch them get destroyed and thrown away. I’d wait in fear day after day for Christmas finally to come around just to figure out what kind of *** it was going to be that year. It never failed. I was always “bad”. Bad kids don’t get gifts. But what I got was far from just nothing. And now that’s what I get to think about. I also get to think about how I no longer have the only person who ever truly mattered to me in life. I can come on cups in hope of some sort of support, even a minimal amount, but Christmas is forced on you here as well, and everyone is too involved in celebrating Christmas and being happy and excited for it to take the time out to give care to those who are struggling more than ever. Nobody wants to know the type of *** this season brings to some of us. Nobody has the time to care. And to top it all off I’ve lost close to my entire support system on cups in the last few weeks. So I am once again alone. Surrounded by triggered and so overwhelmed with the hurt that everything is numb now. And that’s hardly talked about on cups, if at all most of the time. There’s all these activities and “parties” in the group chats to celebrate the holiday season but no check in sessions, no activities for those who are struggling right now. This post truly took me by surprise when I saw it. It almost seems taboo to express discomfort and dislike for Christmas on cups. People have already tried to force how amazing Christmas is on me this season. I appreciate you taking the time out to recognize those of us who do not particularly enjoy this time of year. There is a lot of pain surrounding it for a lot of us. And I think it’s important for everyone to have an outlet for that without being judged or having it forced on it. Because it really isn’t “the most wonderful time of the year” for some of us but rather the most painful time of year. So thank you for acknowledging and bringing awareness to that. It is appreciated for sure.
@Mack
A heartfelt thank you for sharing your truth. I am so glad to hear that my post resonated with you when you were feeling most unheard and unseen. For many of us the holidays are a reminder of what we don't have, or what we once had and have now lost, or maybe even what could have been. I agree with the sentiment that there is some injustice in the expectation to be jolly and full of cheer. Often times it feels like making the best of a bad situation, I guess. That being said, however, 7 cups should be built on these kinds of safe spaces. I am passionate about the unflinching truth and hope to bring more relatable content along the way. I appreciate you, too. ❤️
@blitheSun94
I hope to see more posts. They open a safe space that otherwise doesn’t seem to be here- or anywhere really, for a lot of people. Thank you again ❤️
@Mack
You're most welcome. ❤️
@blitheSun94
thanks so much for the caring words of encouragement and Happy Holidays!
@NewYorker11
You're most welcome. Thanks for stopping by!
Bump
@blitheSun94 I love this incredible list of ways to support yourself throughout the holidays! There's nothing like chosen family and I am going to my best friend's house this Christmas because her family is my family too. Volunteering around the holidays can do wonders too. It has proven to make us feel so much better and is good for our health! Everything will be okay! ❤️
Thank you, Pond. Chosen family is the best!
@blitheSun94 I agree!! You can decide if you want to put up with their baggage instead of being born into it 😂
❤️
❤️Dear Readers❤️
Thank you so much for contributing to this thread. Let's keep it going!
With the holidays fast approaching my family and I sat down to enjoy some TV yesterday. Sadly, we came across a docuseries that shed light on violent crime that took place on the holidays. While I certainly have my own disenchantment surrounding this time of year, I can't imagine how this type of trauma could change the holidays forever for multiple generations. If there is anyone here facing this unique challenge, for you, my heart.