My Silent Voice (Diary)
My notes for today: Fake people with Fake motives yet they are the ones you are suppose to love and care about??
It is so hard to change me when daily I face the same unproductive crap that keeps feeding on my Traums's How do you get out of this dark hole when everything around you keeps dragging you into this pit. I never knew Love and I've had to make my pain my pleasure and find Happyness in it. Makes me wonder are some people born just to endure torrment and abuse. I trive as I just want to survive, The saying we all have the right to life and the pursuit of happyness. I'm still looking, still trying to find what should already be mine.
ScarletPear1945
@WorkingitThrough2 You've been in my thoughts my friend. ❤️ Sending you light and love. ❤️ I light a candle for you every evening.
@mytwistedsoul
Thanks, Soul. Things are pretty hectic right now with all the running around. They have not butied him yet. Nobody is to dig the ground till Monday. They said their power has been out. They also had his paperwork all messed up. Never saw so much incompetence
I told you that I am always on the bad receiving end of other people's mess.
@WorkingitThrough2 It's is hectic trying to get all these things started and there is so much running around and too many phone calls. It's hard because it leaves you exhausted and drained.And you're still trying to wrap your head around the reality of it all. I know with things with my father it seemed as though every time I turned around I had to double check someone else's work. Please tell me your daughter is helping you or trying to. I know she's grieving too but maybe you can lean on each other now?
@WorkingitThrough2 I’m sorry to read about all these troubles. Have things been progressing better now? How are you doing?
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas
I had to put my dog down yesterday. He had heart failure and would have had to be put in the hospital with no promises that he would make it, and it was going to cost several thousand dollars, and I had to call his death sentence. I lied to him and myself, I said I was not going to do that, but I felt he was suffering for about a week, and could not breathe well.
He growled at me when they gave him the shot, and I got scared of him, it feels like I just killed my child. Helpless and trusting. Bad mean Mama.🥹
@WorkingitThrough2. I’m sorry to hear of the loss of your dog. It’s very painful to have to make the decision that you did. I feel it’s very brave and caring not to let a beloved pet suffer in spite of how painful it is to make that decision.
@adventurousBranch3786
Thanks, three deaths so close together and so unprepared for none of them'
@WorkingitThrough2 You made the toughest decision a pet parent ever has to make. I'm so sorry that everything happened one right after the other. It's cruel and unfair to have to say goodbye to two of the most prominent figures in your life one right after the other 😞 sending you so much love right now ❤️
@WorkingitThrough2 Oh, my friend. 😢❤️ I am sorry. You are going through so much. You have been through so much. I am hugging you and giving you peace in my thoughts. You are not bad at all. It is a heartbreaking reality having to make those decisions, because our pets can’t always tell us how much pain they’re in. You did what needed to be done, I just wish you didn’t have to. I’m glad to see your name when I logged in today. You have some shoulders here to lean on. We love you. ❤️
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas
Thank you for asking. My life is a mess right now. I can't focus, can't sleep, or eat much. My clothes are to big and I have no clue if things will get better soon. I don't want to keep posting negative stuff so I will shut my mouth.
@WorkingitThrough2 I think that way too a lot, that I should be quiet because I’m posting too much negative. But then when I hear you say it, my heart is sad. I don’t want you to stop posting, negative or not. I really want to hear how you’re doing. And goodness you’re going through so much on so many levels, and right now even the basics are hard to do. Of course your posts will not be all rainbows and sunshine. I wouldn’t even expect them to be. This is what you’re going through, you can let that be what it is here. Keeping it inside won’t do any good for anyone.
I do hope that eating and sleeping become easier for you soon. I’m worried about you. Can you tolerate eating simpler things like toast and crackers? Are you able to get naps during the day?
@WorkingitThrough2
I am the leader of negativity, and all of our wonderful ,great friends here are here for each other. You have been through so much and you have had so many people that have been with you through thick and thin. Please don’t push them away, they need you as much as you need them.
Thinking of you always….
@WorkingitThrough2 Thinking of you ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
Missing you too.
@WorkingitThrough2 Hey you ❤️ You've been in my thoughts for a while now. I'm worried about you. I hope it's alright to say that. I hope you have someone helping you through this time. Your daughter or a friend hopefully. I hope your resting and that someone is making sure you eat. Sending you much love! ❤️
To all of those who have been with me. My circle of family and friends:
I am grateful to you all for the support and encouragement you have provided throughout this journey.
My heart broke to find another death in the family yesterday, a 23-year-old nephew was killed. He was on my late husband's side. I feel as if God must be angry at us for reasons unknown. I am still running here and there to get things settled. The graveyard people have not put his headstone on the grave yet. They are saying 6 to 8 more weeks. All this was supposed to be in place a few years ago, as we pre-paid for everything.
I have been so dissociated, and my head feels as if someone has a vice squeezing it. I can eat crackers or a piece of toast. When I try to eat a meal, it just cramps my stomach and sends me running to the restroom. My body feels like things are crawling on me, but the doctor said if it is not nerves, then I was delusional, so I try to ignore what I feel so I don't get slapped in the mental hospital. But I know what my body is doing, and what I am feeling. According to them, I don't.
My daughter took me on a little outing to Virginia for 5 days, and I got to visit my great-grandchildren. I did not enjoy the trip; it was a long ride, and my focus was at home, wondering what I needed to do and what I would do, and all the places that I had to go when I got back. I found out my husband had taken out a loan and used my car as collateral, and I had traded my car in several months ago and got a new one. I don't have any details about this as of yet, nor how this might impact me with my new car. Finance-wise wise he has me in a mess. I am not sure that I will even be able to keep my home.
Seems every day opens up a new can of worms. My daughter is taking all this as if nothing has happened and that pisses me off. I can not see any light at the end of this tunnel.
I love you all and wish that we were able to see one another or just feel a hug from you all. Life seems so empty and void of true relationships. My husband is resting in peace, and I am still going through H....l, trying to once again be his Clean-Up Woman. I know what I am about to say may seem cruel, but if I could, I would dig him up, choke him, and put him back. That is not good. I feel like the real me is slowly drifting away. This is not me, I don't recognize the person within that I am allowing to rule. I pray and talk to God, but nothing is working. I would be lying if I denied what I feel. So I run and hide where I can't be found. Maybe it is a dream that I will soon awaken from, I don't know.
@WorkingitThrough2 I am so sorry to hear about your nephew. There is so much running around involved with this. It's almost cruel that there is so much to be done. When all you want is for it to just be done and over with.
@mytwistedsoul
Thanks for the information, Soul. I have not had any good results from the two Attorneys I have used in the past. They got my money, and they did nothing but milk my pocket. The judge ruled in my favor for $38,400.00. If I got it, you did, the other lawyer just kept charging me and doing nothing, then disappeared. So I am afraid to spend money that I don't have to lose. I am still waiting for VA to determine what my widow's pay will be, and the insurance money is going fast with trying to pay up the bills. Trying to figure out a budget and even if I am going to be able to keep the house, or whether I will need to downsize and do a quick sell. Trying to find the most productive means.l right now, most of the bills are over $4,000.00 a month, not including necessities. However, it is stuff that I need to keep for the upkeep of the home.
@WorkingitThrough2 I can understand that. In all honesty, we need the probate lawyer. He got things going with the probate court so we got the letters of administration to close accounts and open an estate account to pay his final bills. He also did the inheritance taxes. Father had a small estate and there was no house involved and no life insurance. I would imagine that things are different for you because you were married, everything is now yours. Including all the problems he caused. I hope the VA does right by you and your able to keep your house. ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
Thanks, Soul, I hope so
@WorkingitThrough2 My friend. 😔❤️ I have been so worried about you. I can see why you’re not feeling like yourself, you are having to take on the work that a group of people would do. You’ve been doing what you can to get through one day at a time, and when we do that for so long we do feel like someone else, like a robot. 🙁 Did you say at one time that your daughter lives with you? Does she help with any chores, contribute financially, offer emotional support? I’m glad she wanted to do a trip, maybe there will be a future time that will be better.
I think one thing that shouldn’t have to be on your shoulders on top of everything else is guilt for your feelings. I’m so glad you felt comfortable expressing them here. The things you’ve been thinking and feeling are completely ok, and I’m not even in your situation but found myself thinking the same things for you.
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas
I appreciate that no one judged me for my feelings. As far as my daughter, she has such a nonchalant attitude, it is sickening. She is barely stepping up with anything. I think I've decided to either put my house on the market or turn it over to a property management company to rent and maintain as an income property. Downsizing by myself and making her get her own place. She can have some pretty stinky attitudes that I don't like.
I've not been able to be here much because I am still trying to get things resolved, and I spent a lot of time running here and there or on the phone. Late at night, I try to check in or at least read the post. Right now, I am stumbling over what to write or say. Know that you hold a special place in my life.❤️
@WorkingitThrough2 I think that sounds like a really well balanced way to handle things with your house and daughter. I remember you mentioning in the past that the house and yard required a lot of labor, and so I hope you can find something that will be a good fit and allow you more time for yourself.
You mean a lot to me too. ❤️ You have a really good heart, and we think very similarly about things.
@WorkingitThrough2 You've been in my thoughts my friend. ❤️ Sending you light and love! ❤️
To me and for me
https://youtu.be/sNKwJlUCRqY?si=NTd0fl-zRtrW_Cr-
Must Listen Daily, getting real with self and my parts😒
Waking up what hurts to heal
All these inward emotions that I can not define. Emotional neglect of what is screaming inside. Emotions that I cannot define, yet they rule my world. Gripped with remorse and guilt. inability to connect the dots. Guilt for being here and for feeling the feelings that wreak havoc within me. I hate to even acknowledge what is undeniable. Now, overcompensation has become a way to cover up the real person who has hidden herself somewhere. Even the writing of these words brings guilt and shame.
Tired of this fasode, it's not me, it's not real. I wear a mask. I try to act like I am expected to act while denying the person that resides in this body.
HOW DO I CHANGE THIS, HOW DO I FREE MY SOUL??
1. Identify the feelings that are surfacing.
2. Begin to realize that I am worthy to be allowed to free myself to who God created me to be.
3. Inner Child work is essential to finding out what my insiders are in need of and making myself available to them by supporting and winning their confidence to share their stories.
4. One day at a time to allow the emotions to surface and not suppress them. Let the children tell their story and be not afraid of them.
So so much turmoil is going on within my mind. It feels like a battleground, and like the alters are waging war against me. They are supposed to be there for my protection, but I just can not feel that to be true.
I struggle, tears stain my face as I struggle to find rest or level the playing field. I find I lack battle gear or proper equipment to fight in this battle.
They talk, they whisper, they hide themselves, but bombard my head and my emotions that do not belong to me.
Enough is enough. Why am I here? How do I escape what seems like a prison. How do I find me the real me? I feel lost within myself. How do you fight this invisible enemy when the enemy is you?
I feel and resonate with Humpty Dumpty, who fell off the wall,l and all the king's men and all the king's horses could not put Humpty Dumpty together again.
@BubblegumPuppy My heart for you. ❤️ Please be well friend.
@WorkingitThrough2 You've been in my thoughts. ❤️
Happy Birthday my friend. ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
thank you so very much❤️. Things have been extremely hard since Melvin died. One major problem after another. Money money money. I got me a new dog as Max died. Lots of ripping and running here and there. Over all I am well. My doctor said I was boarderline malnutricianed and has started me on meds. My blood pressurer has been so high that they sent me to the ER. I feel like I am in quicksand.🥹
@BubblegumPuppy I'm sorry things have been so hard. Losing him sent shockwaves through your whole world. It doesn't matter if it was a good relationship or a bad one. It changed everything for you. (offers tight safe hugs) You got a new dog! How wonderful! We finally got one too! It's nice having someone at home isn't it?
@mytwistedsoul
So sweet as usual, I appriciate that so much. Still dealing with all the sh...it of probate and the house and a cut electric line. I get one thing fixed and then another thing goes wrong.8 months and I have not got a breather.
@WorkingItThrough2 Happy Thanksgiving! ❤️ I miss you. I hope you are doing alright.
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas
So happy to see you. I pray all is well. I went to Las Vages for my Birthday, I needed a break.❤️
@BubblegumPuppy Hello!!!! I’m so so happy to see your name. Wow, Vegas! I’m glad you took a break and a trip for yourself. Was it a nice visit?
I read your reply to Twist, and I’m sorry you’ve been having trouble eating and being sick. I’m glad you went to the doctor and hope things have improved a little. Perhaps you can try to eat a little something each time you feed your new pup? I took in a couple more kittens here recently. Animals help healing in a way nothing else can.
I think I can speak for Twist too seeing his thoughts here to you, that we are here for you. All of us may not log on all the time, but I think it’s important to know that when we are off the computer we cross each others’ minds work often. I really have been wanting to say that.
I’m sending you my very best. You should know that you are one of the most beautiful souls I’ve ever hoped to meet.
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas
Thank you so much ❤️; I miss all of you so much. I don't like not feeling positive, and my mom used to say, if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." So I kind of stay in hiding mode. I miss you all but life has really gotten complicated.
@BubblegumPuppy I can’t imagine all the things that are going on in your world right now. ❤️ You are so sweet to want to be positive for everyone.
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas
Thank you💕