"Are you a virgin?" - Childhood Sexual Abuse

@pioneeringSouth4010

What terrible experiences you've had at such an early stage of your life. It's understandable you may have some confused thoughts right now. I hope my response here doesn't trigger you, but I am going to respond frankly, so do take care of yourself.

I wonder if it helps to rethink the question you're being asked. When people ask if you're a virgin, they're not asking if you were ever abused or raped. They're looking for fun anecdotes, or a gossipy story. Maybe someone to reassure them about their own slightly clumsy experience. So is it then helpful to reveal your past? As you say yourself, that's not something you want to necessarily share, but understandably you also want to be true to yourself too.

If you can view the question as one asking if you've ever had a quick leg over, or a drunken fumble, does it then feel more honest to be able to say no, I haven't? You're a virgin to that. What you experienced was abuse, not consensual sex, whether loving or clumsy. And there's a huge difference between the fun side of sex, and the horror of abuse.

Incidentally, I hope you find comfort and understanding within the 7 cups trauma community. Sadly you're not alone in your experiences, but as survivors of trauma we pull together, supporting one another, laughing, crying, sharing as much or as little as is comfortable. No pressure to join in, but please know you're welcome - and we hear you.

@pioneeringSouth4010 I too have a similar problem involving my virginity, or lack of thereof. I hope it is okay if I share where I stand in the case for virginity. I used to struggle answering the question, "Are you a virgin?" I once asked a group of kind people what virginity was. They all believe that it is debatable and subjective and that only we can decide ourselves if we are virgins. They also highlighted that sexual abuse and assault is not sex--that it is an act of violence and a crime. That is what they told me and this is what I would tell others too, yet I admit that this is hard to accept and apply to myself. Even if I can logically reason why I am one, I just don't feel like a virgin, and it can be a little troublesome to deal with sometimes. However, I realized that feeling like I am not a virgin does not mean I truly am not a virgin. After all, feelings are not facts; they don't accurately represent the truth. So if I must answer, I say, "Yes, I am a virgin," because I know it to be true even if my feelings tell me otherwise. I hope my thoughts about this was helpful in someway.

Regarding your questions on how to respond and how to handle those questions, have you thought about responding indirectly (maybe with a joke or a silly response) and/or changing the subject?

Or maybe you could tell them that it is an uncomfortable topic for you and that you would like to move on from it?

@pioneeringSouth4010

@pioneeringSouth4010 I 100% know how you feel with this. I remember being in middle school and having all the girls sitting around giggling and they go "How far have you gone with a boy??" *More Giggles* And I would freeze and have all these flashbacks and have to lie. Luckily by this point I was so used to lying that it was "easy" even if it was also "uncomfortable". Eventually the question of how many people have you done sexual things with comes up.

What I finally confronted is that... You didn't choose to do those sexual things. You were manipulated and controlled. I think it really requires you to take a step back and picture if another little girl was asked those questions... do you think she is still a virgin? I do. I think if you DO NOT CONSENT, then you have not lost your virginity. Of course there is a physical part of virginity, but the fact is that you have not chosen to have sex. You have not chosen to lose your virginity, then you are a virgin. You may know a lot about sex because of classes and your trapped experiences, but you were forced to do these things, you didn't consent.

If that's hard to let yourself believe, think about it from a legal perspective. If you commit a crime under duress (are forced by threats) then you are innocent of the crime. In the legal view, you have not committed the crime. The person forcing you is guilty of the crime instead.

Summarizing: The sex happened to you, you didn't HAVE sex. You were coerced and manipulated.

I'm sorry if my tone sounded aggressive. I was kind of like... yelling at my past self haha

@pioneeringSouth4010 I'm so sorry that this is a very confusing time for you. You only have to answer what you feel comfortable with. When i was with my first boyfriend, at the beginning of the relationship he asked me if i was a virgin. I said no, and just made up some story that it was a stranger in a shed somewhere. I made it out to be a silly fumble, he got very jealous and kept asking questions for the next year. He was violent emtionally and physically towards me. I remember we just had sex in my bedroom, he said he wanted to know who i had slept with before him, he kept pushing me for answers. It was so hard for me to face it, eventually after ac ouple of hours arguing and crying i tillted my head to the wall, indicating that it was the man next door, my uncle. He said, 'he raped you?' i said yes, i said it happened for over a year. At first he was really angry at my uncle and i felt like he believed me. Then he went to his sisters house for a break apart and she told him that unless my uncle actually held me down and pulled my clothes off then it couldn't be rape, that i must have consented and that it was wanted. When he told me this, i felt incredibly sad, broken. I was defeated. I started to believe him and his family that it was consented and that i really did want it. I felt disgusting. Wriing about this really dark time is triggering me so bad, it was such a hard time. Nearly 10 years has passed with that dark past hanging over me. With a lot of therapy and counselling, well i still blame myself but i am finally believed my my friends and family. I'm so sorry all that happened to you. I was sexually abused by another family member before my uncle raped me, so the aftermath of complete confusion feels somewhat numb. Always here for a chat if you want to talk, ever. Take care

Yes! You're asking the important questions!

I have too struggled with this for awhile. I found that it helped when I really redefined the word "virginnity" Yeah, physically, Maybe we're not, But I beleive that the term "Virginity" largely depends on consent. So I tried to think of it that way.

Now dont get me wrong, If youu want to truly beleive the redefined version of the concept of virginity its gonna take a lot of time and coaching, But ultimetely, it really helps.

As always, You are not alone! I think this is very common for survivors of CSA!

I Wish you the best

Love, Weareall1

@pioneeringSouth4010

I hear many young survivors of sexual assault/abuse talk about losing their virginity to rape. This hurts me very much because I feel that is is an incredibly harmful use of the word virginity. I have always considered the day I lost my virginity to be my first consensual time having sex with another person. The concept of virginity has been quite a few things, from an incorrect idea about female anatomy to a measure of purity. But everything the word virgin has been used for has been to define a person.

Sex is consensual on both sides and is done because of, and for, the physical and or emotional enjoyment you and the other person feel.

Rape is not equal to sex, so an assault should not be able to forever be what you remember as your first time.

Also, aside from that, the way we act around the concept of virginity is pretty messed up. What is it used for outside of shaming and trying to define the sexuality of others? Whether or not you

Hi guys. I've been reading this thread and I see that I'm not alone. I, too, struggled with the question of virginity. Through the duration of my childhood, I believed I was not because I was still confused about what exactly happened during that experience. It wasn't until I became an adult, and had endured other similar traumas, I realized that what happened to me was not my choice and virginity is something that I choose to give. It cannot be taken. I'm not sure if that held at all, but that was my story. You're not alone.

Hi my name is Justin my mother abused me 4 being a bed wetter she would put me in a diaper and forced me to drink a bottle mixed up with laxatives she then would spank me then she touched me & then she made me touch her sadly my mother made me made me have my first sexual experience in a messy diaper

@pioneeringSouth4010

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