"Are you a virgin?" - Childhood Sexual Abuse
Hey guys,
So I'm a 20yr old female and this question comes up... a lot. Mostly because many of my friends are getting married, or having babies, or they've just moved out so they get to experiance the sexual freedom of not living under their parents roofs anymore. And honestly, most of the time I can just say "it's none of your business" and move on, but after awhile - especially with close relationships - it feels too weird to answer that way. And whoever asked knows it's weird too.
I'm very open with sexual topics - I took a lot of sex classes in college, I've always been interested in it, I know the answers to questions most people have. I know the ins and outs of hetero sex, gay sex, lesbian sex, and even some basic things when it comes to other genders and abnormalities. I know all of the kinks and plenty of fetishes. In other words - I'm the last person you'd expect to clam up over a question as simple as "are you a vrigin?" Especially when I've spent the last two hours telling people random facts about pensis'.
Guys, this question haunts me. Because I know that at any given day it's going to be brought up and I'll just... freeze. Because here's the fact of the matter - I'm not.
I'm not because, from about 18months to 12 years old, I was sexually abused by my biological father, uncle, step-sibling, and two cousins (I fully believe the kids didn't know any better - that they were being abused too and were either physically working through their own problems, or that they fully believed that was how people show love). So, the truth is, I've had sexual relations with at least five different people.
But, I've also never had sex at an age that I could give consent, you know? Sr, if I say "no, I'm not a virgin" then people are going to ask who I've done it with, or when, or if I have any fun stories, because all of that is normal in our conversations, and it's not like I can go "um, I don't really remember, because I was a child."
And yet, saying "Yes, I am" sounds like a lie. Feels like a lie. Becuase I've never really had the luxury of being a virgin, even if I've never had consensual sex.
But it's not like I can say that either, because that opens a lot of doors for people I'm not sure I want to walk through them.
So, I guess, basically I'm here to see if any of you have any thoughts? What do you say? How do you handle it?
Your thoughts and comments are appriciated <3
I know this is old, and I read it back when it was posted as well, but since the newest comments have brought it back up I thought I
Oh, and one more thing: I also dont include the boy who raped me when I was 8 in my total. If I did, it would be exactly 15 people that have done whatever they wanted to me. But to me, its 14. I dont know why I can so easily erase the one from when I was 8, but its almost like I started over the first time I chose to have sex. I mean, I can still vividly remember most of the specifics, but I just dont count that one for some reason.
I don't think so. I don't think my husband would either. Even if he wouldn't say it. :*(
So I'm probably late but I was raped at a very young age not sure when sometimes I think it's a dream but I don't think I was up to six years old and when the question of been a virgin is brought up I wonder if I am and sometimes I feel like I'm lying if I say yes but at the same time I haven't had sex yet so I just want you to know that you're not alone and hopefully one day everything will feel better and maybe I can no longer pretend it didn't happen and try to accept the fact and move on. I hope this helps you. Cheers girl!
@Briannahames71
Ive upvoted your post for your honesty in sharing that, in reaching out and connecting. I like and admire that. I hate what happened to you though, and Im so very sorry. I hope you can come to accept it, know that it wasnt your fault, and use your survival as something that strengthens you rather than holds you back.
@DeborahUK thank you so so much that means a lot to me, as a Nigerian or an African we have this mentality that if something bad or traumatic happens to you, you'd outgrow it but sometimes it's always there in the background and then sometimes you learn to turn it off or silence it and pretend which is orrible honestly but what can you do right? So I'm glad I found this thread because I know the right way I should think and everything is all in the power of the mind. Anyways thank you so much Deborah. Cheers!
@Briannahames71
Its very hard to have people brush over your feelings and your experience by saying youll outgrow it. To me its important you feel it in your own way, and if outgrowing it is hard thats an absolutely valid and reasonable response. I spent many years burying how I felt, until I ceased to really feel anything. Thats not a healthy place, let me tell you. Emotions should be felt and experienced, and there should be no guilt attached to them. I hope you find the freedom to express yourself and process this in the right way for you, not by doing as other people tell you.
@pioneeringSouth4010
Hi there
I agree with a lot of ppl here that it's a good idea to redefine virginity for yourself. I know it's hard. I can definitely relate to the confusion and mental struggle, I imagine those types of awkward conversations in my head all the time and what I should say to them.
I'd just like to say you and so many people here are so strong and I really appreciate you sharing your story.
Two people that really helped me stop feeling bad about virginity were my sister and Alice Walker in the Color Purple. In that book the main character has a friend who explains to her that since she's only been forced into sex her whole life, she is still a virgin to good, consensual sex. That changed my world.
My sister also kept reminding me what happened to me was not sex but assault/rape.
I remember being terrified thinking I was broken, a slut, and all these things and what if people in middle school or high school asked me if I was a virgin? And then I was mad because I felt like the woman who assaulted me when I was a young girl took someshing from me like she took my trust, my virginity, my happiness, she was the first person to do or see certain things of me and she knew secrets about me and I was ashamed.
So I get it's hard bc in a sense I was like I'm not a virgin she took that from me. But now I'm ok with thinking I am a virgin to consensual sex. And I say it like that.
It's hard that most people don't get it. But it's my truth and your truth is yours and no one can stomp on that or take it from you. I believe you and again am amazed by how strong you are.
You and everyone here deserves safe, consensual love and understanding.
@wittySpruce8187 - Thank you for sharing that here - I completely agree with you (and your sister!) about what you said about the difference between sex and assault and the idea of being a virgin to consensual sex. As you said, it's hard that most people don't get it, but our truths are our own and no one gets to make those definitions for us. And just like you said that the original poster deserves safe, consensual love and understanding, so do you!
@Anomalia
Thank you (: