Skip to main content Skip to bottom nav

Why cant i stop blaming my self for what my offender did to me.

11 Answers
Last Updated: 05/29/2018 at 11:05am
1 Tip to Feel Better
United Kingdom
Moderated by

Halayma Khatun, M.A Theology(U.K, UAE), Diploma With Distinction in Counseling, Certification trauma abandonment


Compassionate, patient, experienced depression counselor. I use Psychodynamic counseling techniques. My counseling experience is +8 years, I counsel women.

Top Rated Answers
September 26th, 2015 4:43pm
Self blame is natural to a certain extent - sometimes it's the easier option - if we can blame ourselves and think we did something to cause the offenders behavior it means that we weren't powerless or unlucky, that there are things we did and therefore can do to stop anything like this ever happening again, a way of feel in control of a situation that we were powerless in. The truth however is that the blame and all the co existing feelings aren't yours, no one chooses to be hurt and nothing we do can cause someone to hurt us. Overcoming that self blame is a process, a slow realization that you were not the one in the wrong. Talk about your experiences, process them and place the blame and shame where it belongs, it doesn't happen over night but when it does happen you are set free,
November 2nd, 2015 10:31pm
we tend to be scared of the things we can't control, and its our brains, as long as we think that we are the ones to blame for what happened, we are the ones that could have stopped it and we are the only cause of it happening again. inasmuch as it is devastating for ourselves, also gives us an idea of control of what is happening. the other main cause of you feeling this, i would say, is who the offender is, since in most cases is someone that we trust and or is close to us; by putting the blame on our shoulders we are not admiting that person to have done such a thing by his or her own will, so, before thinking that person betrayed us, is easier to blame it on something we said, the way we looked, something we did. the important thing here is wheather you feel you are the one to blame because you feel you deserve it, or that the other person is too good to have done that, no one deserves to feel like this and what happened needs to be mended. dont let guilt make you keep quiet and ignore it
October 4th, 2016 11:43am
Sometimes it actually helps aid our current sense of security and safety to believe that we could have done something to prevent the bad thing from happening, that if only we'd done more we could have controlled the outcome, but sometimes this turns into feelings of guilt and shame that we didn't think of these things before, often failing to recognize that we had absolutely no idea it was going to happen and that ultimately, it was the offender that made the choice to hurt us.
March 31st, 2015 9:33pm
it's okay. maybe you feel this way because you don't feel good about something you played part it. just forgive
May 19th, 2015 1:57am
Because we think that the reason for the abuse is because of us. We think that because we were hurt, we must have asked for it. But the truth is, we were a victim who was unaware of what was going on.
August 9th, 2015 8:10am
Going through traumatic experiences like these can put you in certain mindsets that you wouldn't expect.
October 27th, 2015 11:45pm
You feel the need to blame yourself for what your offender did to you because you think it is your fault. Please know, it is NEVER your fault. It was completely out of your control. It is normal to feel this way, don't worry about that. Talk to a close friend to get this out, someone needs to know. If the feelings are very bad and pressuring, then please consult an appointment with a local therapist.
November 19th, 2015 2:51pm
Most of the time survivor of trauma or abuse struggles with the issue of self blame. But the fact is ITS NOT VICTIM'S FAULT at all. You are not responsible for the actions of offender. The person who chose to hurt you is the only one responsible.You were completely unaware of what was going on in there mind.You were unaware of how the offender will act or respond. Its easy to look back and see all the things and feel you could have done this or that.. or acted differently. However you only have all the information now.You did not have it then.At that time you did not know what was ahead and that is why you were not in a position to make those decisions.You responded the best you could at the time with the knowledge that you had in that moment. For survival from harmful event, attack, threat or abuse immediate response from brain is either fight,flight or freeze. Victim has no control over it at that moment. Someone hurt you and you DESERVE TO HEAL.
December 27th, 2015 7:02pm
Remember it is not your fault, it is the offender's fault because that person is the person who started so this is not your fault and try not to care about people's opinions because their opinions never matter, they just do that to bring you down and make you feel sad and ba lame yourself but I promise it is not your fault, just remember that.
July 11th, 2016 12:25am
Because society is geared towards the idea of victim blaming, and part of your experience of your trauma is believing them. But it is not your fault, in any way shape or form. At all. Promise
- Expert in Disabilities
May 29th, 2018 11:05am
This is a very normal reaction that many victims feel after being offended. It's a faulty thought that at times hard to shake off.