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How do I tell my boyfriend that I'm transgender?

116 Answers
Last Updated: 04/19/2020 at 6:59am
1 Tip to Feel Better
United States
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Melissa Hudson, MS Ed, PhD(c), LMFT

Marriage & Family Therapist

I work with clients of diverse backgrounds on a multitude of concerns. My approach is, at times, directive, yet always curious, nonjudgmental, collaborative, and validating.

Top Rated Answers
Anonymous
September 28th, 2018 7:22pm
Personality, I told my boyfriend I was transgender when I truly knew he loved and trusted me, my relationship worked out but I suggest asking him about it seeing his opinion on the matter, he might dislike them maybe not tell him or do, it depends on the guy your dating. My relationship worked out for the most part, I first asked him his thoughts, then deduced that he's fine with transgenders, hint at it for a week or so then tell him, the out come is different for every man but it just really depends, you do you though if he doesn't like that about you then he's probably a bad boyfriend.
AgnesAzula
October 10th, 2018 6:05am
You shouls start telling him the way that it feels to be born in the wrong body. Explaining how your insides feel different from your the outside of your body. Besides that you should try to explain how this is not going to change the way you think, since it's just going to be part of yourself. Also, you should try and get to an agreement and see if he is willing to stay in the relationship, since things are going to get some kind of though on some aspects. In case that he doesn't understand completely and would rather stay away from the relationship, you should try to explain the way you would like him to stay as a support on the process that you are going to get into.
PizzaRolls2169
November 7th, 2018 1:25am
I would just tell him how it is. If he really loves you, he will accept you. Make sure to give him time to process it and answer questions he may have. He's more likely to accept you this way! A tip on how to come out to anybody is waiting for the right time. Let's say it's Christmas if you celebrate that. Don't tell them while you're opening the presents! Maybe wait for a secluded time afterward. Another tip is if you're too tongue-tied, write it down. you can read it off while talking to him or leave a note where you know he will see it. You can then spend a few hours at a friend's house while he processes it a bit. Amazing job on building up the courage to come out! It's very hard to do and I respect that. I wish you the best of luck! You got this!
geekyMusician122516
November 8th, 2018 1:15am
Sitting down your significant other and telling them that you're not who you appear to be is a nerve-wracking experience, but hopefully this will help you or anyone needing to come out and be who you truly are. First, make sure to set the stage. Don't just bring it up randomly at the end of a conversation, rather try and make the focus of talking to your boyfriend at that point be "coming out". As for actually saying "I'm transgender", you can either say it right from the get-go, or have a lead-up to it. Either one works depending on the dynamic of the relationship, but make sure that you hit these points: a) you are transgender (and explain what that means, because you'd be surprised how many people don't actually know), b) what your future will look like (explain your transition as you see fit) and c) what implications that could have on your relationship. Make sure to hit home that in order for you to be who you truly are, you HAVE to do this but that you want your boyfriend to know. It's hard to think about, but be aware that for some people, having a partner come out as trans is a deal breaker in a romantic relationship, but for others they are fine. I'm Female to Male transgender, and when I first came out to my girlfriend at the time (who was a hardcore lesbian), surprisingly she loved me enough that she was willing to let me transition and change how she identified (to bisexual) because even though my gender was changing, who I was fundamentally as a person was not. Coming out is a colossal step to take, and in order for it not to break a relationship apart, communication is CRUCIAL. If your boyfriend is willing to stay with you through your transition, keep in mind they have to go through a small transition themselves, from having a girlfriend to a boyfriend (or boyfriend to a girlfriend). They'll be doing some soul searching as they grieve the loss of one person and the birth of another and this is normal. Hopefully this little blurb helped whoever asked, as it's what I wished I heard when I was coming out.
Brittneym101
November 24th, 2018 4:35am
I do understand that this is something that is very difficult to deal with, but the very first thing you should have told him was that you are transgender. It is very dangerous being apart of the transgender community and keeping a secret like that from your partner. Everyone is different, but their have been some cases where people don't act appropriately after finding something like that out. I can't tell you how to tell him, but please make sure that you do so soon. Just be honest with him. If he is wroth anything he will understand. He may or may not stay with you, but he may respect it.
Anonymous
December 16th, 2018 9:12pm
Sit down and have a calm conversation. Tell them in a quiet setting at a time when you are both having a good day. They may show responses of shock, maybe be upset, confused and they might have some questions. Prepare yourself for the initial shock and for the questions that might come your way. Just because he might initially respond that way it doesn't mean that he doesn't care or love you. Think about what you want to say to him and how to say it. It might be scary but once it is said then you will feel a huge relief.
Anonymous
December 26th, 2018 5:07am
You can try by giving him a clue about that first, and see how he react. If he seems ok with that, try to have a sit with him and talk slowly and explain yourself carefully s that he will not misunderstand. If he shows not a really good reaction at first, you have to find a better and soft way to tell him, so he will understand and not feel mad or something. And make your position clear so that you can explain yourself and why you not telling him since the first time. Good luck for it
olivejuice687
January 12th, 2019 9:28am
Choose whatever you are more comfortable with, whether that's texting, calling, or seeing in person. And before you spill your nice tea, I think it would be a good idea to establish some foundation with him, asking whatever has been on your mind to secure that you are comfortable with him. The slightest green light, you should go for it! Love who you are because you are awesome! Your feelings are as important as his are to you. I admire the journey you are on, I hope you encourage yourself on the daily because you deserve it! Just be you, that's all a person could ever ask for.
Anonymous
January 18th, 2019 2:27pm
Well, it's a very personal decision. You can catch them off guard, or you can plan the whole thing out perfectly. Whatever you do decide, I recommend that you use a scientific explanation to explain your transsexuality. Tell them that you have gender dysphoria, and explain what it is and why you needed to take the steps to feel right in your body. Stay calm, and get ready to answer a lot of questions. Do not get defensive, and try to respect the fact that they might have some tough questions and could become confused or angry. Just be positive and open. With all this said, it is important to go out and meet people. Pushing people away won’t make you feel any better or bring you any happiness. Don’t be afraid to develop feelings for someone just because they might not accept you in the end. Putting yourself out there and making yourself vulnerable is the only real way to find love and make lasting relationships. And in the meantime, just continue loving yourself and being the only person you need to make you happy.=)
AlexanderReed
February 3rd, 2019 6:23pm
Decide what you need to tell your partner about your identity. You can do this by planning what you would like to say ahead of time. If you are nervous that you will forget or get off topic; you can write down the things you want to talk to your partner about. Be honest and direct. Gather as much information as possible to discuss with your partner. Some people know little about the life of a transgender person. You may need to help your partner understand. You can tell them stories and carefully explain your situation. Explaining your needs can also be quite helpful. Choosing a calm, private and relaxing time to talk can also be helpful. You can also try practicing the conversation your going to be having before hand. Most importantly; try your best to practice some self care. 😊
RemitheRaven
February 27th, 2019 4:17pm
Wait for a calm time when emotions aren't running rampant. This can make a conversation smoother and help you explain with less interruption. When you do tell him, just be honest. Explain to him that your body and mind are not in agreeance. You know yourself better than anybody. If he does not accept you for how you are, maybe he wasn't the best person to be with anyways. It would be the same as not accepting someone because of their eye color, weight, or skin color. Being trans* cannot change just because someone wants it to. If he doesn't love you for who you are, mayhaps he only sees skin deep. There are many people in the world and for one bad reaction, there will be at least one good one. I wish you the best of luck. Stay strong.
rainySunrise78
April 4th, 2019 8:16am
It is always best to be in a comfortable, open environment. You may also want to explain to him what being transgender is all about. Once you feel he understands, tell him softly that you are thinking that you might be one yourself. It is always better to ensure he feels that he is part of your transition. Once you have told him, give him some space, as this is big news and he will need to prosess. It is better to consider the possibility that he will not accept you before hand, even though it is unlikely, it can happen. If it does then it is important to remember that if he loves you for who you are, then this is part of that and it's up to him to accept you. There is nothing wrong with you, you are an amazing person. Never forget that.
Ency
May 16th, 2019 3:36pm
My first advice would be to be completely out to yourself first. Knowing who you are and being confident in your identity can be extremely helpful when coming out to others. I would recommend doing it in a quiet, private space that you can talk comfortably in. He might be confused or sad or any number of other feelings and you have got to be prepared for that possibility. His feelings don't make your feelings and self-identity any less valid though and no matter how he reacts it's important to know that. I wish you the best of luck, Ency.
Learninglistener
June 16th, 2019 1:57am
Hi! The truth isn't always easy,but it is what it is. If he doesn't accept you for who you are,that's on him. You are amazing and will find someone amazing him or someone else. He also deserves to know the truth and he will either accept it or not,but whether it is good news or bad news,you can trust that the 7 cups of teas family will always be here for you 24 7 and we are ready to hear everything you offer to tell us. Good luck and make sure to catch us up on the news after.Bye!
Anonymous
August 14th, 2019 1:18pm
Coming out as transgender to your boyfriend can range from scary and difficult to exciting and liberating. It’s different for everyone. There’s no one right way to come out. When you decide that you’re ready to come out, give yourself time to think through how you’ll do it and what you’ll say. After you decide what you’ll say to him, and how you’ll say it, be prepared to wait as he digests and accepts the new information. Give him the time he needs to think about and try to understand what you’re going through. Don’t assume that everyone will react negatively. Some people may surprise you with their openness and acceptance. That is all that you have to keep in mind! I hope this gives you the confidence to come out to him. Wishing you the very best!
Werewolfer
August 29th, 2019 3:15am
I have been through this exact situation. What I did was I asked them what they thought of transgender people and the LGBT community. If I got the positive answer then I'd ask them what would happen if someone they loved was transgender, if they came out with a positive answer like "I'd love them the same no matter what." Then at the end of it I'd ask them if they loved me no matter what. If it was a yes then I'd tell them. If the first two questions were negative then I wouldn't ask or talk anymore on the subject but that also meant I'd have to review my options as to my future with them. Remember though and let them always know that you're still the same individual that they know and love you have just shown another aspect of yourself.
Anonymous
September 4th, 2019 8:19pm
Be honest. In relationships, honesty is one of the most important things you can have. It builds trust, and hiding things from the S/O can cause stress, unnecessary worry, bitterness/resentfulness towards oneself for not being able to say what they want or need to. Have a sit down with your S/O and be honest with what you need to tell them. Know their views on the topic and be receptive towards their decision and reaction. If you are too nervous, or in some way unable to say what you need to, write down what you need them to know and let them read it. It could help to have gentle music playing on a low volume so there isn't any silence, as well. Be understanding and patient with him, and know that he will likely need some time to process the information.
Orion44
October 9th, 2019 2:11am
First off, you need to respect the way this would make him feel. If he isn't attracted to the opposite gender that you are transitioning into, then it's likely that the relationship won't work out. And that's okay. Just sit down with him and explain what Gender Dysphoria is and how it is effecting you, and what your transition would mean. If he respects you, whether or not you stay together, then that's great. If he doesn't, then he isn't someone to stress over. I recommend explaining the biological cause of your mental condition and how transitioning is your treatment for this condition.
joyfulApricot2637
October 24th, 2019 12:20pm
I think honesty is probably the most important foundation of a relationship. The best way would be to be as transparent as possible but at the same time, one would need to be calm and patient and give the person space to fully understand this. It's important to be aware that people may not initially react well but if given space and time, they may be able to understand and get around it better. I also think that this something that should be discussed quite early on in the relationship, just so both individuals can go into the relationship with full disclosure.
Anonymous
November 3rd, 2019 1:31pm
you meet up with him in a quiet place like a costa or starbucks and maybe order a drink and tell him that you are transgender. break the news slowly and be calm as it can often be difficult for other people to understand as well as difficult for you to have to explain it. make sure he understands what this means for the relationship and the two of you to avoid awkward conversations later on. if it makes you feel more comfortable tell a friend first and bring them with you but try to not bring too many people
kaisayshi22
November 7th, 2019 12:30am
This is a very personal, and individualized conversation. First off, congrats on your journey as a person! While coming out to anyone can be scary, it ca also be invigorating. This is especially true of your significant other. It is important to make sure that you are in a safe environment first. Second be 100% genuine about your identity, (and if its hard to do that in person maybe write a letter?). And Three be sure to be prepared for any and all responses. Bottom line if the truly are good for you they will respect you regardless of anything (this does not mean you will continue dating, but still) you are awesome!! love yourself.. ALWAYS!
Anonymous
November 13th, 2019 9:23pm
I would suggest sitting down with him and talking about transgender people in general and then slowly but surely get to tell him the truth. Don't hold off the truth for too long because then he might feel lied to even if he is ok with you being transgender. Remember some people (even though there is nothing with being trans and I would date a trans person myself) they don't want to be with a trans guy/girl. You have to respect their opinions and feelings. If your boyfriend is ok with dating someone transgender then I would not worry as much and I would not try sugar-coating it and just getting to the point. If you know your boyfriend might not be ok or your not sure then I would try going over the topic before breaking the news to him. Remember the longer you wait the harder it will be and your boyfriend might not be too happy for you keeping it from him for to long!
Anonymous
December 26th, 2019 10:20am
My advice for you is to wait until you are ready. After you feel like you're ready and want to tell him, do it the way that suits you the most, doesn't matter if it's going to be a joke or a serious conversation. if you feel like someone else's presence would help you tell him, bring that person. Just remember one thing, you are beautiful and loved and perfect just the way you are and you don't need to pretend you are someone you're not.. if he doesn't see it he didn't deserve you in the first place. Good luck!!
Anonymous
January 20th, 2020 6:13am
I am sorry, (name of boy), but I am actually Transgender. I didn't mean to hurt you, but it's what I am. I'm sorry. I did love you, but things change. I really want you to know this because I don't want you to hold onto me when nothing will work out for the two of us anymore. I do know I am not the only girl in this world. You'll be able to find someone who really is worthy of your love. The feelings I once had for you were real, but knowing that I am actually not what I used to think I was, I felt like I really need to confess to you about this one. Therefore, please forgive me, but I need to go. I hope you become happy.
redhotrhib23
April 17th, 2020 2:22pm
Sometimes the best way to deal with change is being comfortable with it ourselves first, those around who love us the most will accept if we accept ourselves. If they don't than they don't deserve to be apart of our amazing journey. You should never let someone tear you down for who you truly are. It is important to stand up for who are you and what you feel. If your boyfriend loves and supports you he will understand. There is plenty of support out there both for yourself and him to better understand the transition as well as what each of you are feeling and going through. Best of luck!
Anonymous
April 19th, 2020 6:59am
Sit him down during a time when the both of you are in a positive head space and tell him. Afterwards, be sure to stay open to any questions or concerns he may have. If he does not come around at first, give him time. Sometimes it takes a while for people to fully support each other in these situations. You have to be fully prepared for the outcome not being in your favor, however, and try to understand where he might be coming from. He might be shocked at first but give him time and try to be as understanding as possible.