How do I tell my boyfriend that I'm transgender?

104 Answers
Last Updated: 08/14/2019 at 1:18pm
1 Tip to Feel Better
New Zealand
Moderated by

Maree Stachel-Williamson, Diploma in Counselling, B.A., Master Practitioner in NLP


My areas of expertise are anxiety, depression & relationships. I am caring & give practical advice. I support you in finding clarity & helping you move forward.

Top Rated Answers
October 10th, 2018 6:05am
You shouls start telling him the way that it feels to be born in the wrong body. Explaining how your insides feel different from your the outside of your body. Besides that you should try to explain how this is not going to change the way you think, since it's just going to be part of yourself. Also, you should try and get to an agreement and see if he is willing to stay in the relationship, since things are going to get some kind of though on some aspects. In case that he doesn't understand completely and would rather stay away from the relationship, you should try to explain the way you would like him to stay as a support on the process that you are going to get into.
November 7th, 2018 1:25am
I would just tell him how it is. If he really loves you, he will accept you. Make sure to give him time to process it and answer questions he may have. He's more likely to accept you this way! A tip on how to come out to anybody is waiting for the right time. Let's say it's Christmas if you celebrate that. Don't tell them while you're opening the presents! Maybe wait for a secluded time afterward. Another tip is if you're too tongue-tied, write it down. you can read it off while talking to him or leave a note where you know he will see it. You can then spend a few hours at a friend's house while he processes it a bit. Amazing job on building up the courage to come out! It's very hard to do and I respect that. I wish you the best of luck! You got this!
November 8th, 2018 1:15am
Sitting down your significant other and telling them that you're not who you appear to be is a nerve-wracking experience, but hopefully this will help you or anyone needing to come out and be who you truly are. First, make sure to set the stage. Don't just bring it up randomly at the end of a conversation, rather try and make the focus of talking to your boyfriend at that point be "coming out". As for actually saying "I'm transgender", you can either say it right from the get-go, or have a lead-up to it. Either one works depending on the dynamic of the relationship, but make sure that you hit these points: a) you are transgender (and explain what that means, because you'd be surprised how many people don't actually know), b) what your future will look like (explain your transition as you see fit) and c) what implications that could have on your relationship. Make sure to hit home that in order for you to be who you truly are, you HAVE to do this but that you want your boyfriend to know. It's hard to think about, but be aware that for some people, having a partner come out as trans is a deal breaker in a romantic relationship, but for others they are fine. I'm Female to Male transgender, and when I first came out to my girlfriend at the time (who was a hardcore lesbian), surprisingly she loved me enough that she was willing to let me transition and change how she identified (to bisexual) because even though my gender was changing, who I was fundamentally as a person was not. Coming out is a colossal step to take, and in order for it not to break a relationship apart, communication is CRUCIAL. If your boyfriend is willing to stay with you through your transition, keep in mind they have to go through a small transition themselves, from having a girlfriend to a boyfriend (or boyfriend to a girlfriend). They'll be doing some soul searching as they grieve the loss of one person and the birth of another and this is normal. Hopefully this little blurb helped whoever asked, as it's what I wished I heard when I was coming out.
November 24th, 2018 4:35am
I do understand that this is something that is very difficult to deal with, but the very first thing you should have told him was that you are transgender. It is very dangerous being apart of the transgender community and keeping a secret like that from your partner. Everyone is different, but their have been some cases where people don't act appropriately after finding something like that out. I can't tell you how to tell him, but please make sure that you do so soon. Just be honest with him. If he is wroth anything he will understand. He may or may not stay with you, but he may respect it.
December 16th, 2018 9:12pm
Sit down and have a calm conversation. Tell them in a quiet setting at a time when you are both having a good day. They may show responses of shock, maybe be upset, confused and they might have some questions. Prepare yourself for the initial shock and for the questions that might come your way. Just because he might initially respond that way it doesn't mean that he doesn't care or love you. Think about what you want to say to him and how to say it. It might be scary but once it is said then you will feel a huge relief.
December 26th, 2018 5:07am
You can try by giving him a clue about that first, and see how he react. If he seems ok with that, try to have a sit with him and talk slowly and explain yourself carefully s that he will not misunderstand. If he shows not a really good reaction at first, you have to find a better and soft way to tell him, so he will understand and not feel mad or something. And make your position clear so that you can explain yourself and why you not telling him since the first time. Good luck for it
January 12th, 2019 9:28am
Choose whatever you are more comfortable with, whether that's texting, calling, or seeing in person. And before you spill your nice tea, I think it would be a good idea to establish some foundation with him, asking whatever has been on your mind to secure that you are comfortable with him. The slightest green light, you should go for it! Love who you are because you are awesome! Your feelings are as important as his are to you. I admire the journey you are on, I hope you encourage yourself on the daily because you deserve it! Just be you, that's all a person could ever ask for.
January 18th, 2019 2:27pm
Well, it's a very personal decision. You can catch them off guard, or you can plan the whole thing out perfectly. Whatever you do decide, I recommend that you use a scientific explanation to explain your transsexuality. Tell them that you have gender dysphoria, and explain what it is and why you needed to take the steps to feel right in your body. Stay calm, and get ready to answer a lot of questions. Do not get defensive, and try to respect the fact that they might have some tough questions and could become confused or angry. Just be positive and open. With all this said, it is important to go out and meet people. Pushing people away won’t make you feel any better or bring you any happiness. Don’t be afraid to develop feelings for someone just because they might not accept you in the end. Putting yourself out there and making yourself vulnerable is the only real way to find love and make lasting relationships. And in the meantime, just continue loving yourself and being the only person you need to make you happy.=)
February 3rd, 2019 6:23pm
Decide what you need to tell your partner about your identity. You can do this by planning what you would like to say ahead of time. If you are nervous that you will forget or get off topic; you can write down the things you want to talk to your partner about. Be honest and direct. Gather as much information as possible to discuss with your partner. Some people know little about the life of a transgender person. You may need to help your partner understand. You can tell them stories and carefully explain your situation. Explaining your needs can also be quite helpful. Choosing a calm, private and relaxing time to talk can also be helpful. You can also try practicing the conversation your going to be having before hand. Most importantly; try your best to practice some self care. 😊
February 27th, 2019 4:17pm
Wait for a calm time when emotions aren't running rampant. This can make a conversation smoother and help you explain with less interruption. When you do tell him, just be honest. Explain to him that your body and mind are not in agreeance. You know yourself better than anybody. If he does not accept you for how you are, maybe he wasn't the best person to be with anyways. It would be the same as not accepting someone because of their eye color, weight, or skin color. Being trans* cannot change just because someone wants it to. If he doesn't love you for who you are, mayhaps he only sees skin deep. There are many people in the world and for one bad reaction, there will be at least one good one. I wish you the best of luck. Stay strong.
April 4th, 2019 8:16am
It is always best to be in a comfortable, open environment. You may also want to explain to him what being transgender is all about. Once you feel he understands, tell him softly that you are thinking that you might be one yourself. It is always better to ensure he feels that he is part of your transition. Once you have told him, give him some space, as this is big news and he will need to prosess. It is better to consider the possibility that he will not accept you before hand, even though it is unlikely, it can happen. If it does then it is important to remember that if he loves you for who you are, then this is part of that and it's up to him to accept you. There is nothing wrong with you, you are an amazing person. Never forget that.
May 16th, 2019 3:36pm
My first advice would be to be completely out to yourself first. Knowing who you are and being confident in your identity can be extremely helpful when coming out to others. I would recommend doing it in a quiet, private space that you can talk comfortably in. He might be confused or sad or any number of other feelings and you have got to be prepared for that possibility. His feelings don't make your feelings and self-identity any less valid though and no matter how he reacts it's important to know that. I wish you the best of luck, Ency.
June 16th, 2019 1:57am
Hi! The truth isn't always easy,but it is what it is. If he doesn't accept you for who you are,that's on him. You are amazing and will find someone amazing him or someone else. He also deserves to know the truth and he will either accept it or not,but whether it is good news or bad news,you can trust that the 7 cups of teas family will always be here for you 24 7 and we are ready to hear everything you offer to tell us. Good luck and make sure to catch us up on the news after.Bye!
August 14th, 2019 1:18pm
Coming out as transgender to your boyfriend can range from scary and difficult to exciting and liberating. It’s different for everyone. There’s no one right way to come out. When you decide that you’re ready to come out, give yourself time to think through how you’ll do it and what you’ll say. After you decide what you’ll say to him, and how you’ll say it, be prepared to wait as he digests and accepts the new information. Give him the time he needs to think about and try to understand what you’re going through. Don’t assume that everyone will react negatively. Some people may surprise you with their openness and acceptance. That is all that you have to keep in mind! I hope this gives you the confidence to come out to him. Wishing you the very best!