Aging Parents
I'm wondering, for those who have been though this already, or going through this now:
Brief background: I am an only child. My parents are both in their mid-80s. They are divorced from each other, but each has a partner. They still live independently, but in declining health. They each want to age in place, in their own homes, for as long as they possibly can. I think they are both on seemingly very long waiting lists for continuing care facilities, but at the moment, we don't know where anyone really is on the wait list, we just know they've been on the wait list for several years for these places already.
Now the question: At what point do you decide it's time to "do" something for an aging parent?
My dad, for example, is fiercely independent, and equally as stubborn. He has fallen several times in the past year. Once I came to visit and he was sitting in his front yard but couldn't get up without my help. When I saw him several days ago, he was extremely shaky. I'm worried about him. He doesn't want help. His wife is more able-bodied but wouldn't be able to help him up if he fell and needed help. He refuses to let her call 911.
SO I ask myself, do I just try to respect him and his desire to just live his life in a weak and shaky and unstable state? He's got a doctor appt in a few days, and I'm hoping the doctor will give him some guidance because he's more likely to listen to the doctor, but that doesn't mean he'll actually do what the doctor says. Sigh.
What have you done, or not done, for your aging parents, and how did that work for you?
I know everyone has a different and unique experience, I'm just trying to feel not quite so alone here. Again, I'm the only child, of basically four aging adults (my parents and their respective partners) - and this is going to be a REALLY HARD experience in the near future.
Thanks for your input/stories/experiences.
@GoingInCircles365
OP here to add one more thought: Neither of my parents is likely to actually ask for my help. They are both fiercely independent. I've told them I'm happy to help whenever they need it, but so far, they have maintained a remarkable amount of autonomy.
Dear @GoingInCircles365
It’s really tough to see how weak our parents become after all those years,
But also touching, the way you are thinking about them, that’s all what they really need, your care, kindness, to be around and feel your love and care about them.
At this age they will get the teenager stubborn mind with a weak body , exactly
As they were patient, put up with our moods while we were teenagers , we had to take our own responsibility for taking care about them also, but in the way that they really needs
All what they want right now is to be around, good listener (for the same story thousands of times), on call
Last thing they want is to feel is how heavy they become , worthless, helpless
So I encourage you to just do what are you doing, it’s really kind and helpful 🙏
@6Dreamwish9
Thank you. You are probably absolutely right.
That's basically what I'm doing for the time being, just trying to spend quality time with them on their own terms.
However, when I know they are falling down and such, I feel like I should "do something" but I honestly don't know what. Just wait and see what happens? That doesn't feel right. But then again, neither does forcing someone into assisted living when they don't want that, or necessarily need it all the time. Arrrrrrrgh. Frustrations and uncertainty.
Again, thanks for your reply.
@6Dreamwish9
Thank you for your comments and encouragement. 💜
@GoingInCircles365
I related to this. Been thru similar things with my mum.
It is hard to care and watch them struggle.
My mum created a power of attorney and I found the guidance documents in that really helpful. Basically, if they have the ability to make decisions, they should be allowed, even enabled to make them. Making "stupid" decisions (in our view!), is not a valid reason to remove the right to make those "stupid" decisions. Its really hard to watch a loved one make decisions that might shorten their life or result in them having no money. But if that is their choice, it is their life to do with as they choose. When you give them the respect to chose for themselves, it's hard, but a great gift.
@Clio9876
https://www.gov.uk/make-decisions-for-someone/assessing-mental-capacity
@Clio9876
Interesting stuff. It's true that everyone gets to make their own decisions in life, and we have to live with the "stupid" decisions we make (we've all done it, lol).
I guess my fear with finances is that elderly people are often targeted and victims of financial scams.
If someone truly loses the capacity to make their own decisions, then someone else needs to step up and help out.
If an elderly person starts to be a dangerous driver, they not only put themselves at risk, they also risk other people's safety on the road. In this case, the elderly person may still want to make the decision to drive themselves around, but they may eventually need someone else to say "hey, you really shouldn't be driving anymore" which is never an easy thing to need to tell someone.
@GoingInCircles365
It's not an easy balance, that is true!
I think there is a big difference between making suggestions to someone and making decisions for someone. But our mistake was in assuming that logical suggestions would be acted on.
We were making suggestions for years to my mum about hearing checks as she complained about feeling isolated and cut out of conversations. We'd offer to take her, etc but all offers of help were declined because she was convinced that wasn't the problem. Finally this year she got a hearing aids.
Luckily I have a couple of siblings. So we could take turns when things got exhausting. Or just let off steam to each other when an attempt to help had been rejected. So if you ever want to just let off steam, I'm happy to listen.
@Clio9876
Another good point. When we make suggestions to an elderly parent, it's usually something we think it's important that they follow up with, and we hope to leave them with the autonomy to do that. But... many times they don't. They forget, they deny there's a problem, they don't want to be a burden, they don't want to feel old, etc etc etc. I'm glad your mom finally got the hearing aids, that can be a huge thing to get someone back into life, otherwise they really do become cut off and isolated when they can't hear the conversations around them.
@GoingInCircles365
And then there was the whole knee replacement saga. With a lot of "I don't need that yet" while lashing out at everyone due to the exhaustion of living with pain.
But last month my mum moved into sheltered accommodation. Renting worked for her. Because then she didn't have to commit.
So, there's lots of evidence that patience does pay off in the end. Good luck.
@Clio9876
Oh my goodness, that sounds so frustrating. It's so hard to feel trapped in the middle of what YOU observe and believe vs. the reality of what the OTHER person is experiencing.
YOU: I think you need a knee replacement. The doctor thinks so too. You're in so much pain.
HIM: I don't need that. Don't tell me what to do!
YOU: Sigh... 😒
@GoingInCircles365
Exactly!
I hear how exhausted and worried you are, and being an only child navigating two separate parents in their 80s is an overwhelming spot to be in. Falls are usually the tipping point where 'waiting' turns into an urgent need. Even small steps, like chasing up those waitlists or introducing basic safety gear at his home, might be a good place to start. Please take a moment to breathe—you’re doing the best you can.
@Sharing3312
Thanks for your reply.
@GoingInCircles365
@LeoInPerpetuity
I think you hit the proverbial nail on the head.
It's certainly an interesting tightrope walk between allowing him to maintain as much control of his life as possible and trying to make decisions like "when can he not do XYZ anymore".
I was very worried about the car keys conversation, but I think that he may just now be realizing that he can't safely drive anymore, but this is a very fresh change in attitude.
Yes, it's very hard to watch, and it's also hard to just watch it all unfold. I'm trying to be present and supportive, and trying to figure out what that looks like for everyone involved.
Thanks again for sharing your thoughts.
@GoingInCircles365 Thank you. That shift, even a small one, in his awareness about driving is such a meaningful step. It sounds like you're walking that tightrope with so much grace and patience.
Being present and supportive is truly the greatest gift you can give right now.
You're doing beautifully in such tough territory. 💛
@LeoInPerpetuity
Thanks 💙
@GoingInCircles365. I can share my experiences that I have with my near 80y/o partner. The driving is a big one and very difficult! Many do not understand that they shouldn’t be driving anymore even though it is dangerous to do so. I had to take away his car keys a few months ago and he’s been very mad about it. He falls a lot too . I bought him a rolling walker. He won’t use it most of the time but when I see him wobbling I have to insist more. Could the doctor possibly discuss using a walker or at least a physical therapy assessment to see if he is a good candidate for one or assess what he needs. Also maybe you can get the names of the care home to check what is happening with the waiting list.
@adventurousBranch3786. I have to help my partner with many decisions. I agree that someone needs to help with decisions when they are no longer able. My news report gives alerts on how to avoid scams for seniors. There may be some helpful videos that they can watch on how to avoid scams. The news alerts have helped us.
@adventurousBranch3786
Hi, I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this with your partner. It's so hard to watch someone you care about lose their abilities to do things.
I tried giving my dad a walker several months ago and he refused it, so I just quietly took it back home with me again. Then a few weeks ago, after seeing how unstable he was getting, and that he had started using a cane, I brought the walker again. This time it was a totally different reaction. He smiled and said "Oh good! My doctor said I should get one of those!"
Scams: keeping track of the news alerts is a good idea!
Thanks for your reply and sharing your personal story. Good luck to you. It's a tough situation all around.
@GoingInCircles365 when my parents dont listen t me , i become stubborn like they used to be with me when i was a kid . to make me eat veggies or stay clean . inthat manner . i just has to break my walls of being a cool and nonchalant and actually ask them whats wrong ? until they have to answer. i try and try and try until they have to listen to me . or i start negotiating with them . old people are stubborn like kids. kids and old people are same kind for me .
@awesomeOcean6997
Thanks for your reply. I used to be quite intimidated by my dad. He seems to listen to me now, but just because I tell him something doesn't mean he'll do as I say. He at least doesn't immediately push back.
From my experiences, You can try to discuss with parents and identify what risks are no longer manageable without additional support? But sometimes, this also does not work because parents do not want to acknowledge or seek the support hence, we just continue to be there and do eveyrhting to best of our capcity without any expectation of appreciation from them. This is something you can try to include in discussion if deemed right as per the situation : I respect that you want to remain independent. My job isn't to take that independence away; it's to help you remain independent as safely as possible .
@Melody2492
Thanks for your reply. I like that perspective, "My job isn't to take that independence away; it's to help you remain independent as safely as possible."
@GoingInCircles365
Firstly it really commendable the amount thoughtfulness you put in this situation thinking about your parents and their respective partners.
Also I understand that seeing your parents progressing in this cycle of life is not easy yet inevitable. I wish them good health & safe autonomous time ahead.
And thinking about what you can do is give your support as much as feasible for you provided your parents having control over their lives & are comfortable with extent of help.
And it's not a bad thing to offer help but other party has to accept as well right. You can't force that 🙃.
And I see that nobody like to be dependent on anybody regarding things which were 2nd nature earlier.
I read a book "Tuesdays with Morrie" it has some insight which can help I hope.
I wish you great health & time ahead ✨️
@Clarity22
Thanks for your reply.
It's quite true that just because I offer help doesn't mean it will be accepted. There was a recent situation where I offered some assistance directly to my dad and he gratefully accepted, and then his WIFE got mad at me for offering something to him without asking her first. Like... huh???... okay, so she's incredibly bossy but this is going too far. I'm not here to talk about their relationship, but it definitely makes things a bit more complicated.
Tuesdays With Morrie is a great book! I read it several years ago but it may be worth another read. :)
@GoingInCircles365
1stly he is your father 1st then husband of respected lady.
So do the right sensible thing which is need of the hour. Sometimes people act childish despite fragile situation.
You kindly pursue what you think better for your dad Period.
And yes do give that book another sort. Who knows it might help you to navigate better ✨️
@GoingInCircles365
I find your situation truly unique. You are the only child of your biological parents, and you are the one looking after and visiting them as well as their partners. All four of them are now elderly and frail, so any worst-case scenario could happen at any moment. I often wonder how I would cope if the worst were to happen to my own loved ones.
Currently I have moved in with my grandmother, who is 92 years old. Fortunately she remains mentally sharp and phycially capable of caring for herself. She can still go out to the garden to weed, plant trees, clearing away fallen leaves - activities that keep her agile and healthy. However, her legs have grown weak, making walking somewhat difficult.
Since moving in with her, I have put my work on hold. Everyday, I help her with housework and gardening, chat with her, cook meals. I can feel that she is very happy and and joyful having me by her side. Before that, she lived entirely alone, with only occasionaly visits from my mother and uncles. She likes being alone and independent, living life on her own terms.
The time she has left in this world is counting down. I'm glad that I can spend these moments with her.
@HoaMatTroi
That sounds like a wonderful opportunity that you have to spend with your grandmother and I hope you both are able to enjoy that time in its fullest.
Many years ago, my grandmother was living with my aunt. My aunt once asked me if I was able to spend a week there to "grandma-sit" while my aunt and her husband went on a vacation. I was thrilled she asked me and spent a week with just me and my grandmother at my aunt's house. It was soooo cool to have that time 1:1 with her, which I had never had before! We talked, she told me a lot of stories about her past, we ate dinners together, it was a really special week for me. :)