I’m Close To a Breakdown…
****TW****
Idk how to even start this post.
I guess it’s just gonna be a brain dump…
I’ve been trying to do too much all at once. This morning I did too many things around the house. They needed doing. But I could have done one last night…
Multiple people keep telling me I need to rest. I’m so incredibly burnt out…I stare off into space a lot; my brain seems to go on power saving mode.
I’m constantly “on”… On alert, on call, the one people go to constantly, the one who gives and gives and gives. My days off aren’t days off. I get so little time to myself, so little silence, that I can’t think straight.
It’s so loud in my mind. Not in a weird sort of way. The thoughts, the constant need to be productive, even the streaming mental “radio” of random songs that constantly plays even when I’m not aware of it, like background music. My thoughts are never still. It feels like a cacophony, a rousing noise of bees, but made up of words and feelings and guilt and pressure.
I’m not crazy. I have ADD and autism and more. I hope people understand what I’m trying to convey.
My carpal tunnel is begging me to take a break. I don’t know how. If I rest, it means I won’t be serving others. If I don’t use my hand, I can’t use my computer, my phone, my art supplies. All I’ll have left is… reading. Movies. Idk what else to do.
I don’t even leave the house really, except for work and running errands. Idk how to have fun anymore. Idk what I used to do for fun when I was younger. All I can think of is thrift shopping and such. Who was I before????
I’m not who I once was. I’m a shell of my past self. Rotting. Broken. Loving people who, for the most part, couldn’t care less about me. Fawning, racing to give to those who think less of me than their other friends. Who might not even think of me as a friend.
Idk what else to do. If no 7Cups, if no drawing, then what? Where will my support, my lifeline, be? Who will love on people if I don’t? What would I even do with my time? Stare at the wall?
Who is Kiara? The real Kiara? Where did she go? She’s been gone for years… The PTSD and the burnout and the overwork has broken her. The shell that’s left is empty. Shattered. Destroyed.
And what hurts is… No one sees it. No one hears me scream into the void. Silently. Achingly.
Kiara… The online version, and the REAL, IRL Kiara- is the perfect, obedient, smart, beautiful, amazing girl who knows and does everything right. Kiara doesn’t have mental illnesses. Kiara’s got everything going on. She’s strong and perfect and, she’s got it all.
And that makes me want to puke.
If you ever need someone to listen, you've got a friend here! Sending you lots of stars 😸💖💖
Thank you <3
@jesusredeemedme2425
You're kinda like a older sister to me Kiara, I love you and want the best for you, so please do as much as you can to take care of yourself, no matter how little that is. If there is anything I can do to help you don't hesitate to ask, I may be a anonymous member of the Internet but that doesn't mean I am powerless. You and your mother are both still in my prayers! 🩵🩵🩵🩵
@jesusredeemedme2425 I dont know if theres anything we can do to help (and if there is, just say the word) but I do know that you are more than what you do, or how you be of 'service' And, well- you dont have to be on all the time, but i get that its not so simple to just...stop. Youre not, like, Kiara the one with the awesome posts and the efficient ways to deal with chores. Or, rather, youre not just that. A you lying in bed with a few books, a few movies, maybe some online games, maybe just some random videos or other forms of social media, that would still be you. You are dealing with the mental stuff, and thats...kinda you, too. I mean, it doesnt have to be one or the other, right? But i know its hard, and all ive got to offer here is a "yeah, youre right, that sucks" which isnt much
Even so, i hope it helps 🤍
Here for you
Hello 👋. My name is Eileen. I am not a psychologist, but I am interested in behavioral psychology, I have some experience in this. I DO NOT JUDGE. I DO NOT DRAW CONCLUSIONS. I read your post and I think you said too much at once. You described the ordinary everyday life of many people. But do You really want to understand the situation? If You do, I will listen to You and try to help based on my experience and not my education. I hope You have wonderful day ❤️
Kiara, I’ve only got to meet you recently, but I have to remark that you’re a courageous soul to share, with such nuance, how you’re feeling. It’s incredibly mature of you that you’re recognizing the signs of burnout prior to any burnout, and maybe, this way, you’ll be able to get the deep rest you need to restore your sense of self.
Now that I’m older, I try to respect when my body or mind urges me to slow down. There is a primal and very strong current of life that wants you to live fully and well. We forget, in the noise and haste of daily living, to respect that inner voice that just wants us to be, and that affirms that we as we are, are worthy and perfect, just as we are. “Wonderfully and fearfully made.” (Psalm 139:14)
Take all the time you need. 7 cups won’t go anywhere.
With love and courage,
Rose
@jesusredeemedme2425 A big check in tonight, sending you my love 💜🥰
Check in?
@jesusredeemedme2425 Check in means asking how you are 💜🥰
Better, kinda :) Been reading and resting more. Still stress-eating…
@jesusredeemedme2425, I want to start by saying that your name speaks for itself. No matter what’s going on, know that he is always in the plan, and your 7 Cups family is here to support you. Thank you for acknowledging your need for support.
@jesusredeemedme2425
Hey Kiara, Just saying hi. Shhhhhhh, I can't say everthing will be ok. just Shhhhhh, close your eyes and breath easy.
You feel like you have no where to turn. So just sit quiet for for a couple minutes or even more if it feels good.
You expressed yourself well, and like you said, "no one knows". But we know, You are a wonderful beautiful person, so just sit with yourself because you are good company, and you will figure a good path to follow, once all those monkeys leave your brain! Chase'em out of there with determination and purpose. You can do it.
Easy does it.... just close your eyes and breath easy for a moment or two. Things will get better
@jesusredeemedme2425
PS. And i'm really super-sorry your brain is exploding with all those thoughts. I do know how horrible that feels. 😩. ((((Hugs)))) and Love 💖
