How would you define masculinity?

@Amanda84 a lot of what I know about masculinity comes from observing my dad, brother, boyfriend and grandpa, since I lack first hand experience as a woman

But how I see it is that masculinity is in its essence doing what is right, even if it's hard. It's the desire to protect your family, even if it looks a little different in the modern world. Maybe we don't need swords anymore, but there are still a lot of ways men do protect their families. They are the first ones to sacrifice their dinner if the family is not fed. They will do the heavy lifting. The night pickups. They watch the news and politics, watching the world situation to know if the family is safe living where it is or they need to relocate or prepare for a hard time. They are the first to give you their coat when it rains suddenly. So while we don't need protection from wild animals and each other anymore, they still protect us in the small, every day way.

Being masculine also means being more logical, grounded in reality and looking at things in the long term, balancing our more emotion driven decision making. We show each other our different points of views, and together put together the objective picture. 

Men do so much for us every day, and we really don't appreciate them enough for how awesome they are 😊

@Amanda84

The confusion comes from the literal interpretation of those mentions, Amanda.
A man must provide, but not only materially — he must provide security, stability, affection, and support, all to the best of his ability. A man should not hide his emotions. My grandfather, who was a great man — with my grandmother we always say “what a man he was…” — he expressed his happiness, his jokes, his love through caresses, by embracing you. That didn’t make him weak; on the contrary, the ability to show that vulnerability with the people you love and still not fall apart, that is what truly makes a man: living within that duality.

The concept of not showing weakness is often misinterpreted. One should simply not show it to those who do not deserve it. Fear, anxiety, nerves, and stress are part of life, but when the moment comes, a man, even when under immense pressure, keeps his composure because, in hard times and in daily life, that is what a good man must do: be the figure his loved ones can always rely on. That was the role my grandfather had — being a great father not only to his children but also to his nephews. He acted as a father to many, and he never lost his composure in difficult times, while at the same time showing his complex emotions day by day. And that did not make him any less of a man.

@Amanda84 In my experience, a lot of men do crave softness and warmth but don't quite know how to express it. I'm a male college student and a lot of my male friends don't really talk about their emotions or anything that's bothering them. It tends to be about surface level stuff like sports, games, or something else.

Very rarely... we do talk about deeper things but yeah.

This behavior ends up costing us because of bottling up our emotions. The other unfortunate thing I see on the internet these days is this idea that men need to use "vengeance as fuel" which is VERY unhealthy because anyone who does that would be internalizing all their hate towards someone instead of slowly letting go. Even if they do make progress, that would be in the name of the person they hate instead of for themselves.

This is the toxic masculinity garbage we are fed on social media these days.

There needs to be a shift towards encouraging men to share their emotions because sharing emotions will allow them to become more emotionally intelligent and also know their own needs and boundaries. This will help them make real progress and get on a path of real healing instead of being hateful/vengeful all the time because of what someone said/did in their past. 

@Amanda84

One of the most important masculinity myths in my family was: "Women are always very talkative, while men are expected to be patronising in their silence". As if communicating was only a female thing...

I have been always quite talkative for a man, what made my younger brother look at me with some unspoken disdain.

Meeting a woman who was silent and not eager to talk was my solid recipe for a disaster.

But times changed when we both turned 50.

To my surprise, my brother suddenly started to talk a lot!

And I started to appreciate the value of being introverted.

I have always thought there was nobody like a "too talkative person". But now I changed my mind, and occasionally I think too many words (or talking not to the point) can be tiring.

@amanda84

Just a female perspective  🤷‍♀️ 

I have no problems with a man crying. They don’t have to provide all the support. I think it’s very endearing when a man can show their emotions. Wear your hearts on your sleeve ❤️❤️

I’ll say this if man isn’t telling you how he feels it either he doesn’t feel safe enough to he doesn’t know how so one has to learn which takes time. Men do cry they just not going to tell you that they cry in private because they want to protect their pride. Men do provide if they don’t it will feel like your there mother. They provide in other others besides financially if they learned how to.

@Amanda84

I hear men say all the time, Men don't cry!

(just something forced on us, basically becoming machines like terminator that do things and show no emotions) forced stereotypes into people, a lot of times if you are seeing crying you could be called out to be seeing as weak, being ridicule, treated as no good, though is always hard when you speculate trying to predict how others might see you, so feels more like playing a poker game, but at times could feel like crying is a privilege only women can fully exploit, though what one genre can do or not do could create conflict between men and women, 

Men don't show weakness! 

just like in a poker game showing weakness others could exploit them but I do believe true strength comes from knowing ones limitations, and showing weakness to those who you trust, cause pretending to be strong just makes you more vulnerable to fall, kinda like a pilot who pretends to know how to drive till he crash... 

Men provide.

some force thing from society, providing makes you have to put yourself second, do everything for the woman, and your health can go down, your time, etc, this is more of an old view of how society used to be, it might still be present in a lot of society but despite being written in the law, unless if you are forced to you dont have to.

Men protect.

only if you want to , noone forces you to do this. 

Men hide emotions.

hiding emotions is what makes men highly aggressive ,  unpredictable and prone to violence and with all sorts of mental issues, hiding emotions is like putting paper walls on a building that is falling appart and doing all make up to an old building to pretend is not falling, to in certain cases like at work , or with people who you have are not close to you perhaps you could hide your emotions to those like at work, or far away relatives who you dont care for, but if you hide your emotions you will fall sooner or later :) 

I find this sad and surely it only pushes men deeper into feeling not enough?

yes exactly 

I'm interested in hearing what men have to say about how they see masculinity, from their upbringing, to societies ideals about it? Only what people are comfortable sharing!

some of the difficulties in life is when out and about you have all sorts of people from different backgrounds, views etc, so if you want to show something which they see as feminine someone might ridicule you and bother you, so is the fear of this happening, though I think they might , sorry overshared, might share more other day, dam blue anxiety .. lol

@Amanda84

I'm a bit late to the party cuz of my break, sorry lol.

Umm masculinity, good question I am gonna go look it up. . .

"qualities or attributes regarded as characteristic of men or boys." -the Internet 

. . . Well if you go by that you could just list the physical and mental differences between men and women and call it a day but I get the feeling from your question that's not what you wanted.

So I was/am raised by a some very amazing parents, but let's talk about my dad. First and foremost he's a Christian, he does what he thinks the Bible says is best and tries to follow it's virtues. Next he was in construction for years before I was born, but during my life his paying job has been software engineering. He still works on the property and does and has taught me carpentry, electrical, plumbing, yard work (including felling trees) and much more. He has a degree in mathematics and physics, so he's pretty smart to. 

but non of this is masculinity, I am just rambling about my dad, so what has this man taught me about masculinity? A lot but also very little. I was raised to be chivalrous, open doors, let my sisters in and out of the car, always lend a hand with clean up, caring things for women if they need, don't wear hats in buildings, but these aren't exactly rules, they are ways to show respect and courtesy. But other than that, he didn't say (key word 'say') anything else about masculinity (at least that I remember at 1:30 in the morning) well I guess he would tease and joke about some stereo types but nothing serious. But I love he a lot and respect him so much, I never want to disappoint him so that has effect me and my views. I also saw a lot of movies, books, and media with heros and knights, who have high morals, codes, and honor.

All this to say, I don't really know what masculinity is, I don't think it's about being tough or muscular or not feeling anything (tho I don't feel sometimes, so I am quite sure thats not how men should be) but it's also not being vulnerable or weak or showing emotions (crying ect). Being masculine what exactly is it, it's being a male made in the image of God, follow in the steps of Jesus, servitude (the attitude all humans male and female should have) kindness, respect, honor, selfcontrol (will admit I have trouble controlling myself, especially to stay motivated) patience, gentlness, endurance and wisdom. I definitely and not good at all or anything of these, but yeah, I guess these are my thoughts? These are all aspects a man should have, but they apply to women too. Some of those are the fruits of the spirit which applies to everyone, others generally advise and some are things I saw or found on biblical men and women too.

So yeah my after midnight rambling about my lack of understanding about masculinity that was.

Empowering, but also toxic. It's weird. Something simple that's also subjective. Masculinity broken down really just translates to strength.

Emotional strength. Familial strength. Financial strength. Mental strength. Actual raw strength.

Ive had masculinity figuratively and literally beat into me growing up. Even now I'm held to masculine standards at work. Has it and does it hurt me, yes. Has it and does it help me, also yes. That's why I say it's weird. It's not necessarily a negative thing, it's just always been put upon me in a negative way. But I've always used it to fuel me in a positive way. As difficult as that's been sometimes.

Men can show weakness and that’s not through crying to me that shows strength. They provide and protect yes, they do ball up emotions there’s a song about what a man goes through I can’t remember. If they know God they can give it to him and not hide it. This is what I’ve seen in my man he cries it’s because he cares and loves.