If you are not all hearts and rainbows and positive thinking, what works for you?

@Amanda84 I often need someone to emphasize with and listen to me. Other then that, tbh, I need time to get away from what's stressing me out, if that's possible, and time alone by myself to reflect 

@Amanda84 I like to hear what I want to hear, what I know will make me feel better because chances are I already know the truth. I know what's the right thing to do. But it feels nice to have someone on your side.. even if that side is shaky and just being held up by unreasonable fluff :) 

Tell me your own story. Pain and all. It helps to know I’m not alone <3

@Amanda84 it depends on what kind of a stressful situation I'm in, but what universally helps me is trying to put myself out of it for a while (if it's possible) until my emotions stabilize. So, it would be helpful for someone to be there for me and replace me for a while, if possible, or help me get through it step by step so I'm/it's quicker. Now, for the listeners - it can be great if they could do that - but a mix of realness and positivity would be best approach in my opinion. And maybe step by step to calming down from the stressors.

@Amanda84 i just like having someone kind there. Company. Comfort is hard to give and harder to recieve, but someone trying means alot to me. 

@Amanda84

As someone who is not always positive and sunny, what often helps me is logic and reasoning. Through cognitive behavioral therapy, I have come to realize that I am not the creator of the thoughts in my head, but rather the observer/listener of these thoughts. This realization allows me to detach and show myself some grace in difficult moments. For example, I often feel negative about my capabilities, so reminding myself that these thoughts are not my own nor do they represent my value, is comforting for me. 

I like practical solutions so if someone gives me any useful tips that's great for long term skills development.

Compassion is great and best in panic and deep depression times. Its healing to have someone around feeling genuine care for you. Its always been uplifting for me to have this form of support in the lowest moments.

Religious wisdom or discussion on positive interpretations is also good.... but thats more like when you're in a quiet reflective moment.

Interestingly people on this app have offered me all of the above

@Amanda84

@Amanda84

This is a great question! Definitely realness first, and then positivity can come after. That's my short answer. Below is my long one. :)

So the initial approach really matters to me. If someone wants to comfort me (especially someone I don't know well or at all), and they immediately start with some sort of positive platitude, I have a really hard time trusting that their words are meaningful in any way. They may have the best intentions, but it sadly does not translate well across the internet.

One way I think this could be alieviated would be you starting with something like "I know how you feel..." and then continue with either a relatable story you have where you've encountered the same problem. If you don't have a relatable story or advice for me, I still think it's nice even if the only thing you say is "I'm sorry, that sounds hard. I don't have any advice, but I'll be here to chat with you about anything!" This can apply both for online chats AND in real life scenarios. Sometimes, I just want another person to be there beside me.

Also, sometimes I just want to be reassured in my distressed state that I am not the only one feeling so low. Identifying with me starting with words like "I know the world really sucks sometimes..." or even something like: "Yeah man, I hear you. Sorry you're going through that....here's something that I've tried in the past when dealing with [insert experience here]." makes me feel like you're genuine in what you say.

I want to know that you really relate to what I am saying. I don't want you to immediatly try to make me feel better or try to solve the problem yourself. You can build up to it, though. While there is nothing wrong with positive encouragement/platitudes in general, I feel like they may be most useful at the end of your response. 

Also, if there's one thing I get slightly miffed at, it's when someone tries to talk 'therapy speak' at me when they're trying to help. Or they repeat a sentence from what I had just explained to them. [It sounds like you're feeling...." or "How does that make you feel?"]. I understand what they are trying to do, truly I do, but if they are not an actual therapist, and I don't know that I'm talking to a therapist, they just sound...distance and robotic to me. I dunno that's just how I feel about it. *shrug 

Appreciate the post💗💗

A listener. Its easy for someone to overlook things; when they are so caught up in their own mind.