@KrinkTheMellowUnicorn

Perfectly! I think, based on my previous experience of 7 cups I'm worried about getting in trouble for being a bully. It's happened before. Or the whole "I'm offended, you're a bully" thing. I spend my whole life walking on eggshells. I know what people think of people with my disorder, hell. The most famous writing about it is called walking on eggshells. Except, I find I'm the one walking on eggshells. The idea of being a bully or a manipulative person really is upsetting, and as it is I don't have friends. When I wrote the post, I was already feeling pretty unwelcome here, but hey, moods change like the breeze so I probably overreacted. Taking things personally is something to work at.

@faithlove1111 @Wire

I can see where Wire's coming from. People have different languages --and that is not limited to nationality or etc background. Language, as a pretty wide word itself. It includes how people speak, intonation, how loud the words are, which words they use, and sometimes one can even notice if they even know what the word they use means, or have just adopted it as is. Words evolve. We have a word in our language as "mud" -and it itself is being used by teens as a curse word. So it does earn some of the some slap in the face by parents. And as for some? They take it as not ranking as "bad" as "fck."


Just the same way, people take things differently.

I've always been taught and told and even ALWAYS reminded by my parents and others around me that I should be the one to adjust. Sure, I get what they mean that we can't get along with everyone, and the world won't change for us -to give us what we want or what we think we deserve -like respect....

...but seriously.. WHEN exactly IS the world going to be better by itself. We do our best to cope, sure. But remember, while it's devil's proof to say that nothing lasts forever...

which means eventually such things like coping mechanisms and people CAN and WILL break... ---sure people expect us to get up again...

but really, is the world doing much to be better? Or to simplify, are those said bullies, or even just people who say just don't get along, but do not necessarily attack others or treat them harshly... EVER going to do their part?

There's no ONE-CURE-IT-ALL Panacea potions from games in real life. While it seems impossible, like someone pointed out in this thread, we can focus helping the victims recover, and develop strategies to cope...

but we ALSO need to somehow make sure we at least reach out to the rest and have them adjust as well. You can't just say, hey it's done, "it's YOUR problem, YOU'RE the one with the issues!" ---even implicitly by not reaching out to them, not educating them, not somehow expecting them to adjust a bit.

A woman is pregnant, her bossiness and moodswngs may be because of more than one thing, and may be more than just her hormones. We can't expect the husband to do all the adjusting, just the same way, she can't be the only one.

There's a child who refuses to join in on the activities when we went to help at a literacy training program for depreciated areas here. He was one of the youngest. He refused to do anything with us. Or even talk. Not even to the other children, whom are his actual neighbors in the area. He'd go to other groups.

It seems that this whole thing stemmed from multiple things, from what we know of: 1)he was one of the youngest -argue with me if you think my understanding is wrong, I am no statistics expert or psychologist... but around me, it seemed that being younger or smaller gets one bullied. He looked quite thin and almost frail if he were to be bullied physically by these kids...

2) He, at a young age, had already been contemplating on gender roles. The boy was gay. Perhaps at this point it could simply be just... effeminate movements, and speech, preferring things expected from females or girls, such as liking pink, dolls, dancing a certain dance, certain songs, roles he likes to reenact. (and yes, this is also backed up by other people's observations, and even the child's mother had told us the boy reported to her the bullying)

3) While he had already been bullied for the 2nd reason -of being gay, and possibly some other things we were not aware of.... this already made him socially awkward and would refuse to comply, possibly out of fear of being judged and bullied by others... --And this refusal to "get along" also earns him more of what he may see as weird looks. And while some kids may seem like they're ok and inviting him, he may take it differently. People always do.


So?? It shouldn't and it wasn't just that child who adjusted. He couldn't adjust on his own. HIs way of adjusting or dealing with his situation of being ostracized was clamming up and staying alone. OR at times he'd go to other groups and cause commotions... Earning us a scolding for "not looking after" him...

We adjusted to him, we tried reaching out to him, different topics. Safe topics. If he still refused, we let him know that he is welcome. We invite him again. Because if you try once and you give up... the possibility of it looking differently...worse... might just happen.

We hold activities that will be a little more inclusive, more fun that competitive, we give chances, call him even if doesn't believe in himself or in knowing the answer. Coach him a bit.

We made sure the other kids would cooperate, that they understood teamwork. More importantly, that they understood what they did was wrong. SInce they're kids, everyone, including our prof, and the whole human psyche would expect us to go easy on them, and not lecture them, not single them out, not point fingers. So that's requiring us again to adjust so they can understand somehow, even if a bit, just to help ---or let them know that they have an option which they can and should use -should try to adjust to the boy. Be friends. To know what's right and wrong... -which is seriously hard -there's no black and white, and in their world, in our country, those thngs get even more distorted than others may think.

That boy was fortunate, he would've been bullied to the max as those gay-hating-overly-religious-hypocrites that believe he's possessed and would drown him until he "came to his senses."



My point: WE ALL ADJUST. And that in itself is a hard thing. Because we can't force people. We can't force them to be more sensitive. We can't force them ot understand something.


There's also a downside to being overly sensitive. I'm not saying I'm 100% sensitive. People tend to hate that I can feel -or as they would say it to mimick and insult me: "feel" emotion from music, or paintings, or simple smells. People also hate that I am too careful, and am always using forms of speech that are the most polite. Younger people are offended -they say it makes them feel older. Some people feel offended, because they think I am sucking up to them. Some, because they think I am a "goody-two-shoes".

We live in a world where people think of what good people think, and use it to their advantage. Stop and listen to a crying child claiming he's lost, and then a van drives by and you're never seen again. Give a taxi driver a tip, because you had learned that how much they earn is very little... you had a nice day, you had something to spare, and you felt like doing so, and the next thing you know, every taxi driver feels entitled to being given a tip... and some even trick the meter.

These are facts. They exist and happen. Devil's proof. Just cause you can't see it doesn't mean it isn't there. The same goes for bullying. Being sensitive in itself gets tiring, you experience more, you feel guilty more, you are tip-toe around people... and yet people won't even give you the time of day...

....I for one am invalidated by those around me because I am 24, short -even without dwarfism, have curly hair, have browner skin, i'm female, i'm younger than someone, i'm not as pretty, I'm "too" polite, I'm "too careful" even though its necessary for some things, because the course i took had the word "arts" in it... and so on,.

We can't get the world to get along completely. I don't think I'm a bully. I may have at some times, jokingly or not, I may be seen now as "just making excuses,"...

Words cannot embody or express an idea completely. And yet they can do so much. Be misunderstood. Or would clearly hurt someone, even if the words themselves don't seem the same to another.


I confess, I find overly optimistic people to be just like pessimists.. they can be too blinded by the light.

@Amelia can you provide a link to that form please?

@AndyDufresne1994 - the primary thing is that people who witness it report it so that we are aware of problematic people and situations.

it's like they say about safety in the real world and looking out for each other:

if you see something,
say something

I know it's not that simple and it can be hard to know what to do in the moment. Bullies (as well as "internet tough guys" who say nasty things from behind the mask of the screen) are going for shock value and it's hard not to react and get upset.

The most resilient thing we can do together is to mute, block, and ban people in realtime as they misbehave. The less rise they get out of us, the less incentive there is for them to continue.

None of this is adequate to protect an individual being harassed and we will continue to look for better ways to safeguard members and listeners here in good faith against those who come for more negative reasons.

@AndyDufresne1994 I do not know the way to people stopping being the kind of person they are even if they are rude or offensive. But we are not helpless. We can learn to be present and not react to taunts or misinformation. We can press the mute button (ignore the member) or leave the room. We have options, but I am very empathetic to this plight. If it were easy to solve it would have been solved by now. If I knew a way I would use it.

@mutter3 Mods don't need to witness the actual violation of site Rules. Mods should have access to chat records from chat rooms that can easily be searched for evidence / the event. If the reported event has happened, then they should take swift action, 30 minutes max. The Mod has a report from a user, the Mod should be able to check chat records quickly, if the User has violated Site Rules, the Mod bans the individual for a lengthy period to reflect on their actions and moderate their future behaviour. If the User believes they have been banned wrongly or all the facts haven't been taken into consideration, then they can appeal. The site Rules need to be reviewed and changed.