My Experiences with Offsite Contact
Hello, everyone! I hope you’re doing well, and that you’re having a great day 🌞
This post hasn’t been an easy one for me to write, because it has so many negative feelings associated with it; shame, anxiety, embarrassment, even a little bit of fear. But, with a lot of encouragement, I’ve decided that it’s best to share with you all my personal experiences with offsite contact, both via 7 Cups and off 7 Cups.
Yes, you read that correctly. Back when I was a young teen listener (I’d been a listener for no more than 2-3 months), I connected offsite with a member. It was very, very stupid, and quite frankly, it was downright dangerous. Not to mention against the rules! This isn’t my only experience with offsite contact/dangerous activity online generally, and I will get to this very soon.
I know what you may be thinking. I’m a safety leader - an ambassador, nonetheless - and I broke one of the most important rules relating to safety. I’ve thought about this a lot (with help from others), and I’ve come to the conclusion that my previous actions have influenced me to care so much about safety. I have lived through what could happen as a result of offsite contact, and that is why I can be so pugnacious when it comes to the safety of users, especially teens. I am not my past mistakes.
Written below are my experiences with offsite contact and dangerous actions online.
7 Cups
I had no idea of the rules regarding offsite contact. I didn’t know that it was prohibited (even though I have more than 1 brain cell, so it should have been obvious). Thankfully, I was safe during this interaction (as was the member), but other users have definitely not been as fortunate.
As soon as I was made aware of the rules, I removed the user from my social media, and sent them a message on 7 Cups stating that it was highly inappropriate of me to engage in offsite contact with them, and that it was best for all communication to be had on the site. I had no intention of breaking any rules.
Back when I used to have profile pictures of art that I had drawn, one member was able to find me on a site where you can write stories. As soon as I noticed the connection, I removed all followers who I did not personally know and changed the username/profile pictures, both on that site and on 7 Cups. Even if you don’t share offsite contact explicitly, some users may find you because of similar usernames or profile pictures.
You may trust a person you meet online. You may really like their personality, and click with them in so many ways. You may feel like they’re a friend. Your friend. They may feel the same way, and they may even actually be the person you think they are. But so many things are possible when we share our details. For example;
The person could be dangerous
The person could be looking to harm you
The person could attempt to blackmail you
The person could attempt to locate you/invade your privacy
The person could be ‘catfishing’ you, i.e., pretending to be someone and acting as this person, sometimes with or without photos, only to be completely different
Yes, we make friends on the site, and that’s great! But that’s where it needs to end -- the site. It should not ever, ever go any further than chatting in the rooms (or PMs, if with a listener), because it can be (and is) dangerous. People aren’t always who they say they are online; I know this from my own personal experiences, which are detailed below.
Games
I remember being a very small Rebekah, I think I was around 7 or 8 years old. Still using my brother’s 1990s acorn computer, I started playing a game (which I won’t name). It was aimed for children 6+ (though anyone could play it, feasibly). I remember another user asked me for my name and where I lived. They told me they lived just a few miles away from my very small Welsh town (exceptionally unlikely), and that their name was very similar to mine. This made my small child brain happy -- this user then asked if I wanted to marry him, and what did I say? I said, “no, thank you, because I want to change my surname when I get married.” This is such an innocent, childlike thing to say, exactly because I was a child! This user was clearly an older person looking to cause harm to me. It’s terrifying when you really think about it.
In the same game, when I was older, I connected with a user on Skype. We had a video call, and they refused to show their face or speak into the phone. This is a major red flag that I couldn’t see as a young 13-14 bambino. He told me to find some alcohol in my house, and to drink it. He took a screenshot of me doing this, and said he was going to post it on his social media. I don’t think he did this, but I will never know. He asked me lots of personal questions that I don’t quite remember. I can only see how blatantly predatory this is now that I am an adult.
In a different game, I made friends with someone who eventually started to beg me to come and live with them in their country. I was no more than 8. I asked them to stop, and they wouldn’t, so I told my mum what was happening. She told me to block them and to come off the game, which I did.
Games are fun, and we can make friends on them. But, they need to stay as game-friends. Just like how 7 Cups friends need to stay as 7 Cups-friends.
Social Media
When I was 11, I created an account on a popular social media platform. I was obsessed with Monster High, particularly one of the characters. I would follow any and all accounts that were related to this character, and that involved one that was something like, “charactername_official”. The ‘official’ part to me made me think, ooooooo, they must like the character as much as me! So, I ‘followed’ them.
What came after this was nothing short of completely predatory behaviour, that I only realised when I was around 17 or 18. I don't remember how old they said they were (they were definitely over the age of 18). They told me they lived in a spacious flat in Florida, and mapped out their location to me, with a red line going from where he lived to my country. He told me that I should come and visit him at some point. He sent me a photo that he said was himself, but I now know that it 100% was not. It was heavily pixelated and looked like a model. Even if it was him, the picture he had sent me was inappropriate as it was a shirtless photo. I’ve tried searching for the photo on Google, but I’ve not found it. That random man had/has pictures of 11 year old me, and that’s absolutely terrifying.
Conclusion and Key Points
Here are the key points from this post;
Sharing your details online is not safe, under any circumstances
People are not who they say are
You are NOT your past mistakes
Photos are never completely erased from cyberspace
If you are catfished, targeted by older people, or hurt in any sort of way, it is NOT your fault
Learning is growing, and growing is important so that we can be the best version of ourselves
If you meet someone on 7 Cups, STAY on 7 Cups
I’ve made mistakes, and I have learned from them. I am the best version of myself. It’s okay to make mistakes -- this is something that I have been taught from a young age, but only really began to understand recently.
If there’s only one thing I want to make known from this post, it’s this: if you are currently in contact with someone offsite, please remove them. I know it sounds mean or even unfair, but please, listen to/read everything I’ve said and really think about it. Not only is it against the rules, it can impede your safety.
I’d like to give a special thank you to @Heather225, who has encouraged me to create this post. I wouldn’t have been able to do this without you, and I’m grateful for all that you’ve done, not just for me, but for the greater community.
Resources
@Rebekah thank you for sharing this with us. It must be scary to think back to all those people and dangerous situations. Please, take care.
Sadly, I encountered way more people around there lately who don't really know about this rule (especially on the newbie forums) and can endanger themselves and others. More people need to see this post and understand why a seemingly frustrating rule like that is in place. It's there to keep everyone safe, especially since all of us are facing our mental health challenges here. This post should be the first thing people see and shouted from the roof top. Safety is important, and we should not take it lightly.
Report them as you find them. It will keep them safe and unharmed <3
@jesusredeemedme2425 every time I see it I warn them about the rule, in case they didn't know. Luckily noone personally requested off site contact with me, but when I see someone out there in the wild suggesting it to someone else, I warn them. But I do report posts that are ads or contain off site information like usernames, emails or phone numbers. No stuff like that on my watch
Me too. Crisis posts, offsite contact, spam posts, rude comments… I do so much reporting lol
@jesusredeemedme2425 I don't really come into contact with crisis stuff, at least not one I would deem to be actively dangerous. But could be due to me not really being active on depression related forums due to own mental health reasons. I'm mostly hanging out in ice breakers and gamers, motivation and accountability, relationships, but I occasionally browse around a little in ADHD, OCD, hobbies, religion and help out newbies on the hub. I report outright rude stuff too if I come across some, but it's not that common for me to find. But I do come across quite a bunch of spam, ad and off site stuff. We are the cups police lol
I do a lot of Needs Reply and Recent posts, so I see a lot of crisis posts before anyone else does.
I’ve had some people be just straight up unsupportive or rude, and I don’t engage them, simply report them. It’s not worth my time.
I find a LOT of offsite posts too. It ain’t worth it, people. It’s not worth risking your life.
@jesusredeemedme2425 fair. I do what I have mood for, but I absolutely report around when needed. I have off site contact experience from games, and while some of them resulted in great friendship, some of them would have definitely been better to not happen at all. So I'm very strict on that rule here.
@sadcat13 If you do report any offsite contact/requests for offsite contact it helps people who moderate the forums see it.
If there's useful things in the post, the moderator will often just edit out the offsite aspect and leave the rest.
Thank you for sharing. I have 2 kids one is an adult the youngest is 6. And I don't really think I ever thought about this happening to my oldest when she was at a younger age (to be fair she was fighting cancer and didn't really game that much). The youngest though I know I will have to be more aware of her online presence. And this came at a perfect time as a reminder.
@Rebekah
I can only imagine how difficult it must have been to jot down these events and kinda living through them again as you write them down. Thank you for sharing. I recently came across a situation where a member liked our interaction so much that he wanted to connect outside of 7 cups. I am glad that you have enforced the "no outside contact" rule and I shared the same with him. He wasn't happy but I stood my ground, more so because, the entire point of being on this site is that I don't have to audibly talk with anyone. I have spoken with this member once after the his request and he started with the same thing again but I drew a hard boundary and said that I can help him find a therapist in his country (we're from the same country) so that he can "talk" with someone instead of just chatting.
@Rebekah another type of offsite contact that I was approached and asked to do but did not is financial. One person who I listened to turned out to be trying to sell me a property sight unseen in Canada. This was a shocker.
Another person claimed to be a broker of crypto currency. They gave me all these options and the more I spent the more I saved. Well I saved a lot. I spent nothing and saved all of my money.
The other thing for listeners to watch out for is when the member starts asking me 20 questions about my life. I direct them to my profile page where I post all the personal info I want public. I remind them that this chat is about them so let's direct the chat to what brought them to 7 Cups
If you see anyone giving offsite contact in the forums or the chat rooms, please take a screenshot and report it https://help.7cups.com/hc/en-us/requests/new/ or at least hit the flag so admin can take a look at it.
Other experiences of people I know, with offsite contact they were convinced this person loved them and they were going to come see them but they started asking for money. This can be devastating both emotionally and financially.
Stay safe, stay anonymous and stay online both at 7 Cups and in other social media.
The financial and real estate people are scammers. We get these even off 7Cups. It’s a phishing kinda thing. Even off 7Cups, report and block and delete! Don’t click on ANY links you don’t trust either…
@soulsings
Hi Soul, hi Rebekah (OP) im only writing jumping on something Soul said, almost 'scam like'
I am heavily targeted (go google "top country scammed" - I wont say more) so we are called so often the calls come daily sometimes. Last week, in one brief moment I thought "I would save this number, name it 'Scam' to remind myself not to answer"
could be how my phone is. Instantly that number connected with (whatsapp etc) they got hold of soo....sooo much more info - just saying = if you need to block someone dangerous, just block.
DONT save them under even names like "dangerous" or "look out"
Maybe everyone knows this already and im the slowest.
But just saying - they got hold of my info because of a mistake I made, so, dont make that mistake. Stay safe yall! Much love
@intellectualFan2851 thanks for that tip. You can also only answer calls in your phone book.
I discovered a new way to screen by only allowing calls through in the address book.. It is differernt method depending on which phone you have.
@soulsings
agree Soul, and thanks for reply! Sadly....im interim (in-between jobs) I take calls and agree to interviews. This "ripe" period also means calls from 'outside of my phonebook' comes through.
So between "do you want income. Do you want to eat" and "Lets not take this call"
it is really...what is being targeted. So. I pick up calls, and thats how they swoop in. I know some assignments are conducted thru emails (interview dates etc) but some use numbers thats where I 'lose out' of potential job offers. Tough place innit. ☹️😭
@intellectualFan2851 I do not admire your vulnerability - good luck finding a job. Any chance you can get hired by a temporary agency?
If you want to brainstorm, pm me https://www.7cups.com/@soulsings
@soulsings
Youre awesome Soul....thank you!!
This is really good information, thank you! <3
Thank you for sharing your experiences concerning offsite connecting. Many of my chats, members sometimes attempt to connect with me on other platforms, but I always stay vigilant to the rules. Sharing your story had to be very difficult, but cathartic at the same time. And I'm sure many people on 7 Cups will find this useful.
@Rebekah
Thank you for sharing 💕💜
Thank you🫂💙
Thank you so much for your (vulnerable) post about your experiences. It must have been difficult and painful to recount these past experiences, and it leads to such a valuable lesson both children/teens and adults need to hear. Because something can happen. Thank you again for this post, and the much needed reminder about vigilance regarding safety while online and on cups.
I m so proud of you @Rebekah for making this post! It must have been really hard for you and I get it. I wish you the best from now on. And I hope you are healed from those scary moments. Sending hugs and please take care 🫂
What a super courageous post to share with us all @Rebekah! Thank you for sharing you experiences and lessons you gained from offsite contact. It is so very thoughtful of you to find the bravery to admit you had offsite contact, but then to turn it into a lesson for us all, in turn helping us to preserve and promote safety of all users on 7cups. Thank you so much!! =)
