Sexual Feelings and Sexx Chat
People come to 7 Cups looking for support for a variety of reasons. Sometimes, people need help with genuine sexual challenges (premature ejaculation, pain during intercourse, sexual addictions, fetishes, women
Thanks for posting this, Glen! I think it's important to address inappropriate behavior and sex chatting, but equally important for everyone to remember that mere talk of sex is not the problem. There are a number of legitimate reasons a member may want to talk about sexual issues, sex within their relationship, etc., and that's okay. We need to be careful to balance protecting everyone in the community by not allowing for sex chats, while simultaneously not adding to the stigma for people seeking support.
@Anomalia well said!
@Anomalia
I definitely love this. Sex education is severely lacking in a lot of areas. Whether it's about the differences between anatomy and the variety that doesn't appear in porn. Or what is and isn't healthy in the bedroom and how it affects intimate relations.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and clarifying these guidelines @GlenM. This post is quite timely as these sort of support requests to seem to be on the rise and I think it's invaluable for all listeners to have a clear idea of what is and is not acceptable.
If I question the intent of the person seeking support, I make this statement. "I will not engage in erotic chatting. I will report and block you if that occurs"
that way people know what to expect from me
@Mercury73 good strategy :)
Thanks for making this post. Talking about mental health is not easy and if it is about anything sexual, it is more stigmatizing. Often people dont know where to go or who to discuss these issues with. At 7 Cups we can truly support these people with a clean heart and mind.
That said it is important to set some boundaries and stay within our comfort zones when discussing such issues. This comes with experience and/or intuition. Also, the skill of politely excusing self from uncomfortable chats is important. If we can build on these, we'll be able to really help those who genuinely need it and steer clear of those who misuse the support which is unfortunate, but does happen.
@Twish
Agreed!
@Twish ... I agree. The longer I am a member/listener here on 7c the more I am finding more topics that can be "taboo" or "sensitive" topics such as sex and sex addiction. I have been reading up on sex addiction since I am seeing and hearing more about this topic. Sex addiction, does not necessarily mean the act of sex but it is the attraction to the opposite sex. There are many reasons for sex addiction and sex topics out there, I argee that we have to establish a boundary within ourselves as well as others when in comes to this topic. We know ourselves the best so if it's not a topic you are comfortable with, refer them to another listener instead of automatically blocking or ignoring the individual
@Kismet237 thank you for your posts.. I am new hear, have sexual elements that I find are difficult to talk about.. I am go a to have found this forum
@Steve0413 ... You're welcome! And welcome to the 7 cups community! If you have any questions And concerns, pls do not hesitate to contact me.
Thank you very much for this important post and those resources.
Very effective ,significant post . sometimes we really do not understand how to handle such chat , I think both members( who genuinely need help), and listeners(who genuinely wants to help those) will be benefited by such initiative, thanks @GlenM for such post
@GlenM, I adore how sex-positive you are! And that sounds weird for me to say, and believe me, I never thought I'd say that in any kind of context.
But, what you said was important, it is important for people to have a safe place to talk about sexual issues.
I am just very glad this post exists, that's all.
@Cadence, thanks!
It is difficult to know the intentions of a person that is chatting with you but some questions are possible indications of the intentions of the person.
If a person wants to tell you all the details of their sex life, I politely remind them that I can help listen to how they feel about their relationships but I cannot solve any problems or give them advice how to solve problems. Some people may need to vent by talking about their sex life but I quickly try to establish my boundaries in that I do not want to talk about explicit acts, only how people feel about their relationships with people.
I also set boundaries when someone wants to speak disparagingly about their ex partner or current partner. I am not a non feeling person, but rants and anger do not promote healing. Examples of this would be talking about the current easy sex life of their ex partners. Such talk only serves to create a black and white scenario, good and bad, and that is not how life is. Life is colored in 50,000 shades of gray to use an analogy.
Another yellow flag is when someone asks about what your gender is. This could be a comfort issue but I have had some posts where someone was fishing for a partner or someone to run their trip on. This is one reason I hesitate to answer questions about gender until the person can reasonably answer what they hope to gain from that.
Some people think a man will understand or a woman will understand, but understanding is not gender dependent. Empathy and compassion are more the base of understanding so gender is not really an issue there.
I think it is important to have boundaries and to treat everyone fairly until they convincingly prove they are not going to follow the rules of 7CUPS, but it is also important to protect oneself as a listener and not go home for the night feeling like you have been ambushed by a person with nasty intentions.
So I welcome open discussion about how much and in what way sex needs to be talked about, but also what ways are unacceptable to each listener and the site overall.
@soulsings - good point. I think asking about gender is a yellow flag as you say, and also people may have a legitimate desire or belief about who will understand. Ideally the latter approach could be interrogated a bit, about what it might matter or mean to them fo the listener to be one gender or another, without answering.
I remember when I went into therapy that I wanted a woman therapist because, well, I kind of just like women better than men, I guess, and I also felt I would be judged less or that women are more nurturing or something, but all three local recommendations I got were men so I tried one of them and really really liked him.
He was kind and gentle and patient and compassionate with me and basically offered everything I thought I would only get from a woman therapist, and I stuck with him for nearly a decade till I felt I was ready to "graduate."
@KrinkTheMellowUnicorn thanks for reaffirming points I made. I appreciate you voicing that.
@soulsings Totally agree that gender can be a yellow-flag having been in some situations where uncouth intentions quickly became apparent. However, it's important to remember that there are some valid situations where gender is important to the member. For example, I had a conversation with a young woman the other day who wanted to talk through her different options around birth control and how she was feeling about that. While I'm sure there are many men on the site who could listen kindly, it can be comforting to know the person listening has been through similar things :)
@SometimesSmilesAlwaysHugs I totally agree with you and someone who presents a thoughtful answer I am glad to speak about gender. I try to be sensitive to all people for that reason and not jump to conclusions. But I also want to protect myself from the wolves in sheep's clothing if you follow the analogy, people who say they want to chat but have ulterior motives.
Most of the people at 7cups are good meaning, wonderful people to chat with but the occasional ill-intentioned person has colored my experience badly and I am only wanting to create a safety valve so that does not happen.
Also some people might have a fine conversation with someone else but put me ill at ease, so I want to make sure that the person's need can be met or I would suggest I may not be the best person to talk with them.
Some people also want to be in control and ask all the questions. I do not know their intentions but I have yet to have a productive conversation with someone that wanted to repeatedly ask me questions. That is not the usual appearance of someone that is hurting and needs comfort and or support.
Thank you for pointing that out to me. I appreciate it.
@soulsings Absolutely! What you say about the wolves in sheep clothing is unfortunate but true. It's always important to protect yourself and the community by doing what you feel most comfortable with :)
@Anomalia - I agree. Well said.
Thank you for this. I still haven't been here very long, but I've noticed that this is sometimes a problem here, especially in Relationship Support group chat. Even putting aside the glaringly obvious ethical issues with listeners, I think a lot of users don't realize that it's not just uncomfortable for some people. It can be actively damaging, especially for those who have a history with sexual harassment and assault, sex addiction, or who have a tendency to form unhealthy attachments. Given the nature of the site, those people aren't rare around here--or anywhere, unfortunately--and they need to be kept in mind. We all get lonely sometimes, but we need to be responsible about how we go about coping with that. Targetting people in need of help is very irresponsible and borderline abusive.
@ElegantChaos Well what remains difficult is where to draw the line in personal chats. Sometimes people posing to be from the LGBT Community ask seemingly innocuous questions but on a closer examination you can make out they are just there to troll you. Usually, when guests keep coming back to the same sexual issue with graphic details instead of listening to you, then this becomes apparent. But I really feel that the line between ethical chats about sexual feelings and unethical sex chats is really blurred. I would be grateful if some moderator could comment on this or maybe have a guidelines sort of a thing on whether, when and how to address sexual issues.
@courageousButton66 Hi, I understand what you are saying here. It happens to me that because I listen carefully, ask questions, make sure I understand and so on, people feel that they can open up more and more. If someone doesn't feel attractive, and they are genuinely really upset about it, they can try to get you, someone they feel a connection with, to be attracted to them. That's understandable and natural, I think, and not worthy of a blocking or a scolding. But the difficulty is how not make someone feel unattractive and useless by not responding to their flirting messages ? Honestly, I use 2 guidelines. (1) Imagine your conversation is being witnessed by everyone you know and care about... family, friends, partner etc.... (2) if someone is flirting, or you feel the temptation to, there needs to be a way to withdraw without causing pain. Personally, I use the "in other circumstances I'm sure we'd really hit it off" or something like that. I'm not lying... it's probably true, but I just prefer to say that that particular option isn't open to us. I find it much more sensitive and supportive to say that than to say "It's against the rules" or "I'm not interested" or some such thing. Maybe I'm wrong, but it's the fairest way I can find so far.