Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check-in Thursday 28th September 2017

Good morning everyone. I have been doing a lot better and have been so busy the last two weeks or so that I haven't had a chance to visit.

My experience of mindfulness is that it might just be the single most helpful thing I have ever found for learning to be myself and to cope with how I am really feeling, mentally and physically. Most of the help I need for my illnesses I can't get on my own, I need a therapist. But this is one thing I really can do for myself. But it is hard to begin with or after a break. Because it is scary to sit with your own feelings and thoughts without the distractions I usually use to keep myself away from pain. But it is really something that I feel is helping me learn to be my real self. I recommend Jon Kabat Zinn and his MBSR program as a good place to start if you are going to google. There are a lot of things online especially on YouTube that are less than helpful but he is really good and a safe place to begin if mindfulness is new for you.

Today I am struggling again with something that has been a problem for weeks and weeks for me. I am going to an art class, which is really good for me for many reasons. So far I have been sketching in pencil and now the teacher wants me to begin in colour. So I need to buy coloured pencils. I have been trying to do this for a very long time anyway. But the main brand here is a trigger for me and everytime I walked in the shop to buy them and try to overcome this feeling I would end in tears. From trying to do it so many times it has become a really big obstacle, it was already hard but now it is worse. I bought a different brand the other day and then I cried so hard in the middle of town that I had to take them back to the shop. Because if I buy the first brand everytime I use them I will think of the tigger, but if I buy the others I am worried that everytime I see that mark I will know I only have them because I am too ill to buy the others. I told this to my nurse and she said that I was being too strict with myself, it was okay to be kind to myself and buy the other brand. But I sat in front of my laptop this morning to do it and I ended by crying again. I want someone to sit next to me and tell me that it is okay while I do it.

PTSD sure makes simple things hard. I am feeling very fed up or this now. The nurse said it was okay to buy the other brand, without the direct trigger, and that I shouldn't feel bad because it is not necessary to fight with myself all the time. But I am worried that I made a connection in my head now and I can never use colours. There is one person who can always say something to make me feel better about these things. But he is ill too and he is too tired for me to bother him about this now. I am crying while I write this because I am so frustrated about trying to get on with my life and how something so small can disrupt me so much.

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@rozie Still feeling off, but had a much better sleep, thankfully, so I'm going to be kind to my brain (because mental exhaustion deserves and demands compassion and care) and not strain for grand insight. I will simply say that undertaking regular mindful practice has helped immensely in my journey. While no panacea, practice does make for an anchor to the here and now, which is vital during those moments when you feel like you're drifting aimlessly.

On a personal note, as intimated, am again having difficulty managing today, for a variety of reasons (including anniversaries). That doesn't negate the efficacy of mindfulness; rather, it affirms my humanity with all its struggles and imperfections. Emotions may just be visitors, but sometimes they are most unwelcome, and those ones tend to linger far beyond the bounds of social propriety. 😂

Seriously though, could use a little extra support. ❤️

@rozie

I'll consider the question later, perhaps...

I kinda need support.

Had a horrible incident, reduced to tears and nearly panicking. Simply for stating a feeling or how I felt about something yielded an argument from the usual suspect I'm trying to get away from. I literally had someone telling me(for 20 minutes who I am and how controlling I am, that they can never have a conversation with me and by stating my feelings I was trying to get a "last word" in? WTF. I was trembling, shaking before I even started. I tried stating a boundary, nope. That's "not allowed", or "not fair". Love how it's always me that's "wrong" or whatever. That I SAID I was OKAY with the thing they did months ago, even though I wasn't. So TECHNICALLY, he was fine. When they knew I had problems with that person and they had hurt me before, not to mention dealt drugs in our house. Well, birds of a feather. Losers/Abusers can go with their flock and fly, high-speed into a volcano.

Just nuts.

Think I need to get going on that divorce business sooner than later- even with my agoraphobia/anxiety/depression stuff. This is so not safe for me- and I'm not sure I can finish college with the way things are. I'm at a precipice where things are just too much. Where I need to start getting loans for school- but some part of me says that I should instead take the software development Bootcamp route. They usually hire upon finishing, but I don't know. They're kinda far off in the cities and I live in a rural area- so it's not like I could drive there or know anyone. Maybe there's something I can figure out. Either way, I need to do something. I have to.

I'm in the now. And I'm mindful that the now is not pleasant. I don't like the energy that's around me. I feel a lot of pain and darkness emanating off of the surroundings, off of others. I look at other people and I can see what they struggle with. The flaws that they have. So I'm being mindful. But maybe, since I don't like the way I feel..... I ought to choose what exactly I am mindful to.

Maybe I could be mindful to the positive, instead. That's hard to do, when even as recently as this week I found I was being manipulated by yet another narcissist, and I had been trying to practice being mindful to the positive with him. I had thought he was such a positive soul. So I'm on the lookout for warning signs right now. My mind is geared toward the negative, seeing what went wrong so that I can learn from it.

I feel a bit trapped.

@rozi

@DeborahUK

@KLM3278

I'm moving on Saturday w/my beloved 3 poochies in tow..if I can find us all a ride (I don't have a car, so their ride is still a work-in-progress). I still have SOoooo much to wrap, pack, clean, & do...& I have mono, at present, which isn't helping matters. I really have no one helping me right now (b/c other than Jesus & my dogs x3, I have no one..no friends, and zero family), and I feel SO Incredibly overwhelmed. I am struggling also with the entire packing process because with my autism my brain wants to separate, segregate, categorize, & organize EVERYthing (and I have waaaaay TOO much "stuff" for one individual to own/possess)...& I do NOT have time for that "micro-management" packing process. I don't know where you stand with faith & beliefs, Rozi, but I'm reaching out to @DeborahUK & @KLM3278 to request prayer throughout Fri, Sat., & Sun. Re:my move on this Saturday 9/30. I really need prayer for FOCUS/staying on task), MOTIVATION, peace, guidance, strength, and for God to provide for every need (including a ride for my dogs x3 & me to our new home). I appreciate your, and anyone's...heartfelt prayer support. Thanks

@rozie @anomalia @pinkfluffyunicorns8706 @nenz @moj @rosyOctopus @obLIVionKate and @oblivionKateL and many others I'm sure

Dears? I was brave today.

I went back into the office/waiting room, after leaving my time with my therapist, and asked to talk with her again for a minute or so. I asked her for a hug. That was hard. We've talked about if hugs are okay or not etc within sessions before, but I'd not yet actually asked her for a hug.

So today, I was brave. I may not have talked with her about what I sort of intended to talk about ... but after session, like bye Platy see you next week, I went back and I asked for something I really needed at the time. And I know at least in part, that I really needed it from her.

@rozie I didn't read your post of today (yet), I just wanted to tell all y'all this (and all trauma support peoples too). I want to find the Piglet post again - I think it could be helpful for me in relation to others or at least in explaining what I'm trying to ask of them.

you guys! Thanks for being great listeners for me. , Platy

so - i have never really done a check in here.

in all honesty - i didnt want to join trauma support bc magically, somehow, maybe it wouldn't relate to me?

lol - didnt work. so i am here.

I personally think, mindfulness is the KEY to getting through my recovery from trauma.

Though, I had this very unsetteling expirience with it today.

I was so numb that I could not just not feel any emotions, but i had no sense of touch - my body was totally numb 0.o

I tried to do grounding where you touch 5 things...but i could not feel a thing - which, yeah - freaked me out more.

So, it came back to mindfulness and breathing through the moment and just observing it, without judgmemnt.

err, i tried...

still, mindfulness and breathing are sometimes the only things I have to hold onto.