Chapter 11: Cup 6: Care: Care for Others that Need Support

Care for others that need support

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion.
If you want to be happy, practice compassion. Dalai Lama

Let’s start this chapter with the allegory of the long spoons.

One day a man said to God, “God, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like.”

God showed the man two doors. Inside the first one, in the middle of the room, was a large round table with a large pot of stew. It smelled delicious and made the man’s mouth water, but the people sitting around the table were thin and sickly. They appeared to be famished. They were holding spoons with very long handles and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful, but because the handle was longer than their arms, they could not get the spoons back into their mouths.

The man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering. God said, “You have seen Hell.”

Behind the second door, the room appeared exactly the same. There was the large round table with the large pot of wonderful stew that made the man’s mouth water. The people had the same long-handled spoons, but they were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking.

The man said, “I don’t understand.”

God smiled. “It is simple,” he said. “Love only requires one skill. These people learned early on to share and feed one another. While the greedy only think of themselves.”

- Rabbi Haim

We are all, right now, in our own sort of Heaven or Hell. These rooms are like our lives. When we self-protect and stubbornly look out for only ourselves, we are all miserable and hungry for that magic stew called love. When we care for one another, we get to eat all the magic stew we want.

Imagine if there really was a vat of magic stew that you could always access. You could just summon it whenever you wanted. It’d appear and you’d take a couple of big spoonfuls. Immediately, you’d be filled with this deep warmth, joy, and nourishment.

The amazing thing, is that we live in that very sort of world. The magic stew is always available. The way to summon it is to provide self-sacrificial care to another vulnerable person. When you do that, you get the magic stew. It is as simple and as difficult as that.

Caring is Hard

Erich Fromm wrote one of my favorite books called the Art of Loving. You can find it online for free here. Fromm argued that love is a practice. In his words:

The first step to take is to become aware that love is an art, just as living is an art; if we want to learn how to love we must proceed in the same way we have to proceed if we want to learn any other art, say music, painting, carpentry, or the art of medicine or engineering. (p.5)

We are often under the mistaken assumption that love will just spontaneously surface in our lives. Well, unfortunately, this part of love, consistently caring for others who are vulnerable, is not typically impromptu. It is just flat out hard work and you have to choose to do it.

Here is a very recent example from my life. I’m trying to get this book done, so I’m really focused on it right now. My 3 year-old daughter walked up to me and said, “Daddy, will you play Woodsies with me?” I really did not want to play Woodsies. I wanted to focus on writing this book. I said, ‘Okay, honey, let’s play Woodsies.’ I put the computer down and played for the next 45 minutes. One of her big sisters joined us. We had a blast, even though at the beginning, it was not at all what I wanted to do.

Life gives us scores of opportunities each day to practice caring for another person. If you pay attention to this for a single day, you’ll be very surprised by how many people need care. They often don’t come right out and ask for it, but there is a lot of hinting or bidding for care. People all around us - in the office, in the classroom, at home - are struggling and need support.

What Fromm suggests is that you get good at caring by simply practicing it. If you are anything like me, you’ll be kind of bad at it at first. Then, as you start doing small things for people it’ll get easier and easier. Before you know it, it’ll almost feel natural. Plus, all the while, you get magic stew, which of course makes it much easier and more rewarding.

Self-Sacrificial Love is Potent

This love is especially potent for both the giver and the receiver when it involves self-sacrifice. A wealthy person giving is great and should be welcomed, but it means less than when a poor person gives. Now, if a wealthy person genuinely gives all of their wealth away to the point of actual self-sacrifice, then it means quite a bit to all of us. This is just such a rare occurrence. Money, as we mentioned before is quite addictive, and, oftentimes, the more you have, the more it has you.

Self-sacrifice opens the door to a level of potency that does not get accessed without it. A few years ago I met a friend at a diner to catch up with her. She is a very hardworking, creative, and thoughtful person. At that time, her biggest weakness was getting involved with men that took advantage of her. I had followed her and offered support here and there to help her get through some rough times. We met on that day because things were getting pretty bad in her most recent relationship.

I was sitting with her talking about her options and it occurred to me that she was disempowered. She did not realize that she was the one with the power in the situation. The boyfriend had somehow brainwashed her into thinking that she was lucky to be with him. There was plenty of evidence that she was of a much higher caliber, but he had convinced her that she was the fortunate one.

This perception of herself as less than started to falter because there was some suspicion that he may have been cheating on her. She wanted to share her fears and concerns with me. We talked for a while and she said that she couldn’t leave him because of their financial problems. They were always struggling to cover their bills.

Despite this woman being very smart, she had never sat down and put a budget together. She did some small errands for people and had a regular job, but didn’t really know how much money she had coming in each month. She also didn’t know how much she was spending. On the back of one of those placemats with all the square boxes of advertising, we mapped out her first budget as an adult.

Guess what?

It turned out she was making enough money each month. In fact, her boyfriend was spending her money and she wasn’t aware of it. That was the only way to explain why they were short every month.

This was a pretty big insight for her, but I could still tell she didn’t quite believe she had enough to make it. She needed more of a cushion. The idea would be that it might take a few months for her to get the confidence and to a good enough spot to consider leaving him.

We then made a plan for her to protect her money so he wouldn’t spend it. We role-played what she would say to her boyfriend. I also gave her some money to help her feel a bit more safe. This is the important part. The amount of money I gave her was a lot for me at the time. It stung. It was an actual sacrifice.

I left that day feeling encouraged, but unsure if she’d get to the spot of moving on with her life. It was clear that this person was a major tax on her. However, I’ve worked with a lot women and sometimes they choose to stay with men that are not good for them. I gave her a big hug and left.

I had to go to a conference later that evening in a city a couple of hours away. I got a call from her. She was whispering because her boyfriend was in the other room. I was thinking, “Uh oh, I hope she’s okay. I’m two hours away and there is nothing I can do about it.” She said, “I’m fine. I did it. I broke up with him.” I couldn’t believe it. She was whispering, but she was also deeply calm. She had made her decision. She had just needed someone to believe in her.

That money, without a doubt, was the best money I have ever spent or invested in my life. It did more for this friend and more for me than I could ever imagine.

I’ve observed this and experienced it in my own life many times. Self-sacrificial care has real potency to it. Self-sacrifice can be giving up time and other items, not just money. When you give to the point of self-sacrifice, you are putting yourself in a place of need. You are sharing what you have and you are truly sharing the other person’s need. It is an interpersonal connection that heals and empowers both parties involved.

Caveats

We are not talking about dependent care here, or what might be called people-pleasing care. Dependent care is not healthy. If you are giving to another because you feel compelled, to get people to like you, or because you feel unworthy of real love, then this is not a healthy position for you to take. It is not difficult to tell if this is the case, as this kind of giving is draining instead of uplifting. It usually enables another person to continue in bad behavior for which they need to take responsibility.

We are also not talking about caring for others with strings attached. This is not real giving, rather an exchange of goods, a business arrangement. When you care for somebody else, simply care. Let it be what it is. Do not expect to call in a favor later. You might be in a real jam and the person may be in a position to help you, but please do not give to deliberately put yourself in a position to cash in these chips later on. Other people can feel this. They may take what you are offering but they will feel manipulated and disempowered.

Caring for Other People Helps You

When you authentically care for another person, you also help yourself. Think back for a second to a time when you provided self-sacrificial care for another person. How did it feel? What was it like?

If you are like most people, then it likely felt remarkably good. It gave you a sense of dignity and pride. It also likely filled you with a great warmth and helped you clearly see what is ultimately important in life. I’ve heard this referred to as the “helper’s high.” I call it magic stew.

We have listeners on 7 Cups that have helped thousands of people. I admire and respect these people. They are a shining light to me. They do it because they are special people, and they also do it because it helps them. It is absolutely beautiful that if you care for someone else for the right reasons that, somehow, it comes back to you and helps you in one way or another. Fromm captures it again:

For the productive character, giving has an entirely different meaning. Giving is the highest expression of potency. In the very act of giving, I experience my strength, my wealth, my power. This experience of heightened vitality and potency fills me with joy. I experience myself as overflowing, spending, alive, hence as joyous.’ Giving is more joyous than receiving, not because it is a deprivation, but because in the act of giving lies the expression of my aliveness.

I love Fromm’s description. When I give, I live, for a moment, in that secret place where there is enough for all. When I give, I act from my hope and from my faith in that secret place, and in my giving I make it exist a little more. If we all gave like this, we could all live in that secret place of plenty together. That sounds like Heaven to me.

No Judgment

Our highest value on 7 Cups is that we treat one another with honor and respect.

Value 1:

How we treat one another will impact how we treat people seeking help on 7 Cups. Our culture sets the cornerstone by which the rest of our “building” will be set.

We believe that people are inherently valuable. We do not measure people based on where they are from or what position they hold.

We do not judge or look down on people. We recognize that people make sense in the larger context or story of their lives. Sometimes it can seem like people are making choices that do not make sense, but this is likely because we do know the full story. We understand that people are complicated and that life is not simple or easy.

When we help other people it can be tempting to judge them. Please know that they are doing all that they can and all that they know how to do to make their lives better. People who are unemployed do not like being unemployed. It is terrible for their mental health. Similarly, people asking for money on the streets are not well. By and large, they are asking for money because they are mentally ill and unable to navigate life. Nobody wants to be poor or struggling and judgement never helps anyone.

Also, when you see that a person is struggling, it can also be helpful to realize that we do not all get to begin on the same starting line in life. Many of us are several steps back and some of us are a few steps ahead. The privilege walk exercise gets at this by having a group of people line up and asking them to take one step backwards or one step forward based on their experiences. Here are some of the statements. You can read the full exercise here.

If your ancestors came to your home country by force, take one step back.

If there were more than 50 books in your house growing up, take one step forward.

If you ever felt unsafe because of your sexual orientation, take one step back.

If you believe that you were paid less because of your race, gender, or ethnicity, take one step back.

If you were ever stopped or questioned by the police because of your race, take one step back.

If you were embarrassed about your clothes or house while growing up, take one step back.

If your parents or guardians attended college, take one step forward.

If you were raised in an area with crime and drug activity, take one step back.

If you are able to move through the world without fear of sexual assault, take one step forward.

If your family automatically expected you to attend college, take one step forward.

If you have ever traveled outside your home country, take one step forward.

If your parents worked nights and weekends to support your family, take one step backward.

If you get time off for your religious holidays, take one step forward.

If you have a foreign accent, take one step backward.

If you were raised in a single-parent household, take one step backward.

The experience of abuse (sexual, emotional, physical) or trauma is not a part of this exercise, but it should be. If you experienced abuse or trauma, then take 3 steps back.

The bottom line is that all people - every single one of us - has dignity and is worthy of respect. People do not make decisions to mess up their lives because they want to. The gains are nowhere near worth it. People make poor choices because they are unaware or unable to make better choices at the time. Sometimes there are also other systems in place that further tax them and make it even more challenging for them to get on a good track. When we care for someone and we are tempted to judge them, we need to make sure that we keep all of this in mind.

Rails

My wife and I say that we need to provide rails to help our kids learn something. We all need rails to learn how to better care for one another. Fortunately, there are many places we can go to learn this practice.

One place is your life. At any given point, 30-40% of the people around you are going through a rough time. Simply focusing on them and listening to them will help them feel better. You may need to learn to see distress in people. We are used to ignoring it because we are afraid that it might make the person feel uncomfortable if we know they are struggling. No need to force it. Simply checking in on them will do the trick.

Caring for another person is not hard in a technical sense. There is no instruction manual to follow. It is much easier than that and you are already good at it. Think about a good friend you have. If that good friend called you and said they were going through a rough patch, then you’d just listen and care for them. Just treat other people like you would your good friend. It’ll mean the world to them.

You can also go work for a charity, non-profit, or ministry. Soup kitchens, homeless shelters, and prison ministries are all places to find people that are struggling. What I like most about these places is that the people that run them are overcomers. Many of them were once in the shoes of the people now seeking help. These are salt of the earth type of people - my favorite kind. They look older than they are because they’ve had hard lives, but they’ve earned every wrinkle. When you look into their eyes you also see a deep love and kindness that makes them particularly unusual.

These places always need help, so simply calling or showing up is likely enough to get you in the door. Some people are afraid of homeless people, people with severe mental illness, or people with drug addictions. There is nothing to be afraid of. These people are just people that have fallen on really hard times and having passed through the cracks of our systems of care. They really are just like you and me. Much of society looks right past them. When you notice them, look at them directly, with respect and kindness in your eyes, it gives them something that is very valuable. It gives them courage to believe that they are worthwhile, that they have dignity and that they do indeed deserve our respect.

I’ve had the good fortune of getting to hang out with a lot of different people in life. Very smart technologists, brilliant scientists, productive academics, insightful researchers, wealthy business people, and many others. Though I like and enjoy all of these people, I’d much rather hang out in a homeless shelter or a soup kitchen. The authenticity, kindness, and vitality you find in the people here - both the people giving and receiving help - is not found in any of these other circles. It is special. It is where I find the best magic stew.

And, of course, you can join us on 7 Cups. People come to 7 Cups looking for help and support. They are practicing Cup 1 in that they are being vulnerable and sharing what is on their heart. We match Cup 1 people with Cup 6 people - people that are caring for vulnerable people. You listen to people by text chatting with them through our website or apps. The power of anonymity allows people to deeply share what is going on in their life. You, as a listener, may be on the other side of the world. However, through the magic of the Internet, simply noticing, listening, and caring, can bring healing to that person’s heart, even when they are a million miles away.

I, too, have practiced Cup 1 and sought help on 7 Cups many times. Most of these times revolved around my anxiety, concerns, and fear that 7 Cups would not make it. There was so much figuring out to do early on. We would fix one problem and 20 more would appear. This is still happening, but less so now. And, fortunately, we’ve had a number of successes so now I feel more confident in our ability to problem solve. However, early on, I did not have that confidence. I put a lot of pressure on myself. I’d hit that connect now button and wait for a listener to pick up. I’d tell them something like I’m an engineer with an incredibly complex project I’m working on. I have a lot of people leaning on me and I’m not sure if we are going to be able to figure it out. They’d listen and reflect. They’d care. I’d tear up, be thankful for their time, feel deep relief, and move forward feeling restored and confident. Those little pit stops on the road helped me and helped 7 Cups get to where it is now. When you listen on 7 Cups, you provide this kind of care and support to others. It not only impacts their life, but it also ripples out and impacts the lives of those around them.

You can also visit poor countries to provide care. However, like we stated in the opening story, you should know that the people in these countries know more than they let on. They know that they have something that is missing in our advanced world. A good friend of mine, Jim, tells a story that illustrates this well. He spent a lot of time in Honduras studying the indigenous ways Honduran people provide mental health support to one another. On occasion, teams from different universities in the United States would visit to give back and do service projects. They would volunteer in hospitals, help people in rural areas, and do manual labor. At the end of one such visit, Jim went to the airport with a local teen, Miguel, to see the team off. As they watched the plane take off, Jim asked him, “Miguel, how do you think it went?” Miguel said, “Good. I think we really helped them.”

Cup 6, unlike the other cups, is not tea. It is a cup of magic stew. It is also the most important cup. If you can only focus on one cup, then you should focus on Cup 6.

At its heart, Cup 6 is about caring for vulnerable people. Learning to care for others takes practice just like any other new skill. It is hard work, but it gets easier over time. An added benefit is that it provides you with magic stew. It is immensely satisfying as it nourishes you both while also making the world a much better place.