Chapter 4: Problems

We’ve been talking quite a bit about denial and distraction. We discussed how denial develops in early childhood. How we begin to wall off the parts of ourselves that are deemed unacceptable by others. These early patterns get set and we find other people to reinforce them throughout our lives. We can stay in unhelpful relationships, workplaces, and environments, even if they are bad, in order to keep a sense of consistency and predictability in life.

These early patterns teach us to avoid painful or threatening thoughts and feelings. They help set the stage for us to engage in cultural denial about broader problems we face in society. We collectively tell ourselves that things are not as bad as they really are, because to be honest about the challenges we face would make us uncomfortable.

Denial, on both individual and societal levels, is increased by what we call distraction systems. These systems can be online or offline. They sink into your brain and capture ever increasing amounts of your time and resources. They are designed by very smart people to make them money and to keep you in denial and distracted.

How do you break free?

You are not going to like the answer. The only way - as far as we can tell - is to face your problems and learn to truly care for other people. I realize this isn’t a sexy, fun, or easy answer. It is nothing like the distractions outlined above. It involves emotional pain and struggle. It will take some work on your part, and it’ll be challenging, but the benefits are remarkable. You will actually get to live a real, meaningful, life and make the world a better place.

Before we begin, let’s start with the idea of framing. Framing is a concept that refers to how an idea is positioned or “framed”. Think of the way you frame a picture. It impacts the way it looks. Our biology and education have framed problems in an inaccurate and bad way. Problems suffer from negative branding.

What if problems were secretly very good?

What if every problem contained a gold nugget inside?

What if solving problems made you a much better person?

Wait...What?

Yes, you heard us right. Problems have disguised value. They are actually very helpful and should be treasured. We struggle to see problems as valuable because we are too busy trying to avoid or ignore them.

How are problems valuable?

An analogy can help here. In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), they have a metaphor of Aunt Maggie. Aunt Maggie is the annoying, loud, and obnoxious Aunt, who is secretly very wise. Nobody likes her and everybody tries to ignore her. What do you do when your Aunt Maggie comes to your house? Do you turn the lights off, pull the curtains shut, and act like you are not home? Do you run into the backroom and ignore her knocking at the door?

Or, are you the nicer person that opens the door, welcomes her in, but subtly tries to get her out after 30-45 minutes? You don’t want to be mean, but you have things to do. You listen to her, but also hint pretty strongly that it is time for her to go.

You might be a more enlightened person. Maybe you open the door, invite her in, make a cup of tea, feed her some cookies, sink into your chair, and deeply listen to what she says. If you are this kind of person, then you are very rare, because nobody willingly engages with Aunt Maggie in this way. She really is annoying. However, the insightful souls that do take the time to spend with her are blessed with a special gift for enduring the conversation. At the end, she opens your hand and gives you a special gift. It might be a kernel of truth, it could be the discovery of a strength or talent, maybe an insight, tip, or new way of seeing things. By the end of the conversation, you are exhausted. You are drained, but you are also enlightened. She managed to give you tailored feedback that is very relevant to the issue you are facing.

She. Is. Just. That. Good.

Aunt Maggie is, of course, a metaphor for the problems we encounter in life. We like to hide in the back room when problems come knocking at our door. We try to avoid the pain by ignoring them. When they are unrelenting, we try to listen for as little time as possible to get back to our life. All of these strategies keep us from the deep lessons that life is trying to teach us.

Let me make this less metaphorical and outline specifically how problems help us grow. One, problems break down our denial. Two, they free us from the distraction systems. Three, they teach us to ask for help. Four, they help us level up. Five, they teach us how to authentically care for other people.

Let’s quickly talk through these items.

One, problems break down denial. At some point, the problems become so significant that we can no longer ignore them. In Alcoholics Anonymous they call this hitting bottom. If it weren’t for them overwhelming our ability to avoid them, many of us would stay stuck in a bad situations for the remainder of our lives. Problems force us to change.

Two, problems break you out of distraction systems. They refuse to leave you alone. Like Aunt Maggie, they will hang out on your porch and knock and knock and knock on your door. You may want to watch a movie. Fine. As soon as it is done, they are knocking again. You may want to get lost on a social network, no problem but the problems will continue to knock. You may want to avoid them by working hard all day or focusing on your studies. No problem. When it is time to sleep, they’ll be patiently waiting for you. They will not let your mind rest until you have dealt with them.

Three, and this may be the most important, problems teach you to ask for help. They teach you humility. Most significant problems cannot be solved on your own. They require you to talk to someone. They require you to be vulnerable. We’ll talk much more about this in Chapter 6. For now, however, know that problems teach you that being alone is not an option. We are social creatures and we need one another to get through this life. We are all in this together.

Four, problems help you level up. Yes, this is video game language. I see life kind of like a video game. Problems come bouncing towards you. They pop and open up a puzzle. If you solve the puzzle, then you unlock the key or the next clue you need in life. If you don’t solve the puzzle, then life will keep bouncing the same problem bubble your way. It may look slightly different, but it’ll essentially be the same problem. You’ll need to solve it in order to move forward. Solving problems changes you. It helps you realize that you are stronger than you realized.

Five, problems teach you to open up and care, from your heart, for other people. I have found that people who have been through a lot in life tend to be people that provide the most love and support to other people. When you are isolated and not touched by pain, it is easy to keep going with life without paying too much attention to other people. Many people do indeed care, but they are compelled to care on a deeper level once they have faced their own pain and worked through their problems. In an emotional sense, they’ve walked down that path, so they have a visceral understanding of what another person is going through. Now, it is deeply meaningful to be part of the solution in someone else’s life. Problems teach you compassion like nothing else does.

We do not grow as individuals, as a family, or as a society, when things are easy and humming along. We grow when we face and work through our problems. Problems are like little disguised gold nuggets. Nobody likes dealing with problems because they are painful. However, when you do focus on them—open to them, accept them, and solve them—you are rewarded with new insight and growth.

The second half of this book introduces you to the 7 Cups process to face and overcome challenges. Don’t worry, we are going to go nice and slow. This is important and there is no real benefit to rushing the process. We’ll encourage you to take your time and to move at your own pace. You can enter the pool by the stairs. No need to jump right into the deep end. We want you to be able to face your problems directly, but we want to make sure you are in a strong place before starting this process. Let’s start by talking more about our community and why we need your help.