Expressing Healthy Anger Day 1

@cheerfulKiwi1776

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@cheerfulKiwi1776 I'm loving this post! Thank you for this. I wish I knew a long time ago the difference between the two. I guess when I really think about it-- it wasn't anger management I needed. It was "aggression" management. 😀

• ​What was the rule about anger in your house growing up? Were you allowed to show it, or did you learn to hide it?

There wasn't any rule really. I grew up seeing physical rage, destructive behavior, etc. I was always allowed to feel how I felt, I just had to sorta know what lines not to cross. I learned the day I spazzed out a long time ago that being quiet and bottling things internally wasn't good for me. 

• ​How does it feel to think of anger as a "guardian" protecting you, rather than a negative trait?

I like the thought of this and, I guess, it's true. It's not that anger is a bad thing. It's more so when it becomes destructive and violent. I feel good knowing my anger is just a way to protect myself, because often times it really was more my sadness that lead to my anger. 

@cheerfulKiwi1776 

- anger, or aggression, was and is common in my house. Thats the crux of the problem, i suppose. I've always been treated like a bad person for ever expressing my own anger, while everyone else does it freely and unapologetically. Result: i have no idea what to do with my own anger, and I react badly to everyone else's

- i've always known my anger is a sort of desperate protector. The trouble is that the line between protection and destruction seems so thin.

Wow! That's so interesting so anger was never a problem but aggression was or maybe reacting upon that anger not responding.

• Anger was the most expressed emotion in my household and everybody mostly use unhealthy ways to release it and i guess I've also adapted unhealthy way of releasing it. Now as I've grown i try not to release it in unhealthy way and succeeded in that but with my toxic parents i always end up releasing in unhealthy way.

• Indeed it is my guardian. It helped me to create strong boundaries and it helped to express how important certain things for me.

I was allowed to show it, but I had a bad temper and I'd take it too far. I feel like I don't know how my mom and my aunt stayed so calm with me. Of course, my dad showed his anger all the time. He even looked angry when he wasn't angry.

As for my anger being my protector? Dude's powerful. He lets me know, and he doesn't stop letting me know. I usually get along with my anger a little too well at this point...

@cheerfulKiwi1776

The rule about anger in my house?

Honestly, I don't know. My parents had major explosive episodes and drastic fights sometimes, still do but not too often. They didn't hit me much, but I can't say they never did. It is seen as normal in our society, so I don't find it much unusual either. But really, I feel I need to refrain from expressing my anger. Maybe because I have seen it at extremes, I have a negative perception of it. I try my best to prevent expressing anger.

Anger as a guardian?

Sounds almost funny, not gonna lie. I have always seen it as something that destroys, harms, scares. It will take a huge effort to accept it as something beyond that.

Thanks for the amazing post! Keep going you're amazing 💖

@cheerfulKiwi1776 To answer your questions, my experience is a bit heavy. I always hide my anger to avoid face-to-face conflicts. I’m afraid to speak up, almost as if I’ve conditioned myself to believe I shouldn't. I know bottling it up isn’t the best way to solve things, but I just don't feel strong enough to stand up for my needs yet.

I really wish I could find a friend where we can safely call each other out on our blind spots, helping each other understand and grow. Right now, I’m just having these conversations with myself 😔

But looking at it now, my anger feels like a boundary alarm telling me: 'It's time to leave before you get deeply hurt.' It actually helps me connect with myself, showing me what I truly expect and who I really am.

Anger was either scary or silent...

@cheerfulKiwi1776

I think over time I've learned to hide my anger and bottle it up, but tbh it also takes a lot for me to get angry with others. I would always get in trouble whenever I showed I was upset so I just stopped after a while. 

I guess it helps to know that anger is something that helps protect me rather than it being a purely negative thing. 

Adults were allowed to show their anger but it was unacceptable for me. Sometimes theirs was a silent seething. Other times it was loud and harmful. 

I do view it as a protector. It lets me know when boundaries are crossed but Knowing that others (including myself) often feel that anger is dangerous or a flaw makes it harder to show it. It's usually internalized.