I intend to leave 7Cups
Trigger Warning: Depression, loneliness, anxiety, self-worth issues, emotional distress.
I feel like I'm disappearing. I no longer know who I am. I've been thinking about this for the past two months, so it isn't just a random thought.
I am lonely. I feel guilty about the things I've done, and I carry a lot of regret. But I keep everything hidden. No one truly knows me, to put in the right way " i never let anyone know me" what I need, what I want, or the reasons behind my actions. People simply come to their own conclusions and judge me and i donr care about it though. I hate explaining or express my everyday pain. i don't know why but it hurts me so badly now.
I can't spend a single moment alone, every minute I am sitting alone getting heavy. i can't prevent myself from crying. i tried hard, but i couldn't resist. No one knows I am moaning here all day, no one knows i didn't have food since yesterday.
I know I'm making mistakes. I know I'm not doing well. I know I haven't met anyone's expectations or made them proud the way my sibling have. I just need a little kindness, a few kind words, and a gentle push forward. Instead, all I seem to receive is criticism, disappointment, harsh words, and judgmental looks. I can't take it anymore. i really can't. my chest hurts so much
I acknowledge that I've failed in a lot of ways, but at least let me go now. Permit me to lead my own life. I detest the way my family perceives me. I'm taking medicine for my health problems, and I'm exhausted. The medication has adverse effects. It's too much for me. I have to take care of my household chores while feeling weak, dizzy, and sleepy all day. If I'm having trouble, nobody seems to care. However, they said, "You are a woman, you got to face the pain and never say or let your facial expressions out and endure it." Whoa! I was taken to heaven by those lovely words.
Everything feels so heavy. I cry every single day, yet I smile at everyone and tell them I'm fine. I'm tired of doing that. I'm not okay. Not at all.
I don't know what to do anymore or where to go. I feel completely lost. But why? Even now, a part of me still believes that everything will somehow be alright, even though nothing feels normal anymore. Why do I keep acting like I'm the happiest person in the world? Why do I keep smiling?
Sometimes I feel disgusted with myself.
I feel worthless. The people who genuinely care about me seem to exist only behind a screen, while in my real life I'm constantly struggling with anxiety, harsh words, being taken for granted, and feeling unwanted.
I don't even feel like 7 Cups is helping me anymore. I feel like I'm losing myself in a world that doesn't feel real.
I'm exhausted.
Maybe I'll feel differently later. Maybe I'll change my mind. I don't know.
But this is how I feel right now.
@AiluraTheCat Ailura...
I don't even know where to start. Don't even know what to say. Words feel so small compared to what you're carrying.. to what you're going through.
It's really hard.. to endure all of this. To feel like you're losing yourself somewhere in the middle of everything. To feel like you're disappearing. To feel like in the rush of it all.. you forgot who you were.
And I understand.. when people are going to judge no matter what, are going to criticize.. explaining yourself just feels like one more exhausting thing to carry. So pulling away, keeping to yourself.. feels easier. Safer. Because that's what we learn, isn't it.. when speaking up and staying silent both feel equally pointless, we just.. stop.
And what makes it harder.. is that on one side there are people's words, and on the other, your own thoughts piling up. And you're the only one absorbing both.
I wish my words could take even a little of that pain away.. but I know they can't. When we're at the edge of pain, even words start to feel meaningless..
But still.. I want to say this. You don't have to achieve something great to deserve love. You don't have to make someone proud to deserve kindness. You already do. That heart of yours.. scattering warmth for everyone, feeling everyone else's pain.. isn't that itself enough to make you worthy of love?
I don't know why the people closest to you can't see your pain.. can't see how much their words are hurting you. But know this.. Allah is with you. He said it in the Quran, for our Prophet (PBUH) too.. "And let not their words grieve you", And that's not just for him.. it's for all of us.
People's words don't define our worth. They only reveal their own inner world. I know it's easy for me to say and so much harder for you to live.. because words do hurt, and even Allah acknowledges that pain. He doesn't deny it. And neither do we. But don't let that pain define your worth. Because people don't know the full weight of what you're carrying, the world inside you.. so their opinions will always be limited.
And as for Cups.. when the world behind the screen feels warm and kind, and the world right in front of you feels cold and harsh.. that contrast alone is exhausting. Makes sense. Do what feels best for you. We'll miss you, without a doubt. But your wellbeing comes above everything. And whenever you feel like coming back, we'll be here for you, always 🤍
@AiluraTheCat
I really don't know what to say, Ailura. It hurts to know you're hurting. I don't know if this will pass or get better, but I do know that I believe in you. If you think leaving Cups is the right decision for you, I'll trust your judgment because I want you to do what's best for yourself.
You've always been a pleasure to be around. The work you've done in the forums has been impeccable, and you've been a true friend to me since day one. You've made this community a warmer, kinder place for so many people, including me. It's hard to think that while you were constantly showing all of us so much love, encouragement, and support, you were carrying so much hurt within yourself.
Thank you for everything you've done, even the things you probably don't realize made a difference. Your kindness, patience, and presence have left a mark on so many people. No matter where life takes you from here, I'll always be grateful that our paths crossed. I'm rooting for you, and I truly hope you find the peace, happiness, and healing you deserve.
Remember that if you decide to come back, we will always welcome you with open arms.
Love and only love for you, sweetheart!
@AiluraTheCat
I understand your pain both physically and emotionally.
I think my family thought I was just lazy and there was nothing wrong with me. I suffered in silence everyday. I felt so helpless and hopeless.
But once I was approved for SSDI they knew I wasn't faking. Invisible illnesses are difficult because others can't see what's going on inside you.
Don't feel guilty, don't have regrets. Feel these feelings and make peace with them. That's the past concentrate on the present. Most importantly concentrate on yourself!
It's okay not to be okay. We are here to support you.🤗🫶💜
@AiluraTheCat
😔 Can't believe you have to leave 🩷
@AiluraTheCat 💝
@AiluraTheCat hi
I am sorry for your pain Ailura. I am very sorry because I know that pain and do not wish it on anyone. I tell myself that I should keep alive and things will get better, that I will find my way out as long as I keep trying. I do not really believe it, but I still tell myself things I want to be true. Hang in there Ailura. I believe you are a survivor. I believe you are a warrior.
With love, xxx
@AiluraTheCat
I/we will be waiting for you to warmly welcome you back if you decide to leave and come back ❤
If you decide to stay, remember sometimes words are hard to convey how everyone's really care about you, some through silence, some through hearts, gifs and some with heartfelt words, but whatever form people choose to express comes from the bottom of the heart.
Incase you are thinking to taking a break from here, we sure will miss you and think about how you are doing 🌸 and still your peace of mind and happiness comes first, will always encourage you to do what you feel best for your inner peace and health.
I have been off and on when I feel I need a break, but I will always come back to meet the wonderful people again and support others too, also my promise of always being there for someone.
I hope you will figure out and I hope for the best ☺
Ailura dear, I know how you’re feeling. You have always given us the charm, strength and brightness. It is sad to hear we might lose that. For your mental wellbeing if it helps to stay away olease do but if it doesn’t help at all please stay. Helping others will surely keep you busy mentally. It will reward your heart and mind. You are not alone Ailura. You never was even when it felt si quiet and silent. Oh I can’t imagine how it would look without your colorful texts and beautiful smile. Please stay strong. It will get better as time passes. Find a hobby to do or build a skill you love to do. Learn a new language. Go to the gym to meet new people. Create your own *** full if your anime’s characters. I bet many will appreciate that. You are very talented love. May your heart and soul is filled with peace.
@AiluraTheCat
How are you feeling today?
