To The One Learning To Forgive Themself…. 💌
To the one learning how to forgive themselves,
For starters, I know it’s not easy. Especially when you’re wired to be more critical of yourself. Even the thought of “forgiving self” feels almost ridiculous when you are busy ruminating on what better you “could have” done in a particular situation.
I feel it is a very specific kind of pain to look back and realise you did not protect yourself the way you wish you had. To reflect on the moments where you stayed quiet, accepted less, ignored your own needs, or kept choosing what was familiar instead of what was kind to you. That regret can feel heavy, like you failed a past version of yourself.
I know it’s hard and that’s why I want you to gently consider this. You made the choices you did with the awareness, safety, and emotional tools you had at that time. You were surviving in the only ways you knew how. You were trying to get through, to belong, to be loved, to keep the peace, to feel okay. To simply “get through”.
That does not make you weak. It makes you hooman. It is easy to judge your past self with the clarity you have now, but that clarity came from experience. It came from lessons that had to be lived, not just understood. You cannot expect an older wisdom from a younger heart. You cannot ask a version of you who was still learning how to survive, to behave like someone who already knows how to heal you know?
Forgiving yourself does not mean pretending it did not hurt or that it doesn’t hurt now.
It does not mean dismissing what you lost or what you tolerated.
It means recognising that you did not abandon yourself on purpose. You were doing your best with what you had, even if your best looks different to you now. There is also something quietly brave about you.
You are here now, reflecting, feeling, wanting to do better for yourself. That already means you are showing up in ways you could not before. Growth is not about rewriting the past. It is about choosing differently in the present, with more softness and honesty than you had access to back then.
You do not need to punish yourself to prove that you have learned. You do not need to keep reliving old mistakes as a form of accountability. The lesson has already shaped you. The awareness is already here.
The only thing left is to offer yourself the compassion you were missing at the time. You are not late to caring about yourself. You arrived exactly when you were able to. And that version of you from the past, the one you feel you let down, would probably be relieved to know that you are finally listening now.
Having said that?
You do not have to rush your forgiveness. Some days it will come easily, and other days the guilt will feel louder again. Both are part of the process.
I’m still learning to accept that healing is not about erasing the past, it is about learning how to hold it with less cruelty and want to remind you too.
Little by little, you are allowed to replace self blame with understanding, and regret with tenderness. And even if you are not fully there yet, even if part of you still feels stuck in what should have been, it is enough that you are trying to show up now. That effort counts. That care matters. You are already becoming someone your past self would feel safer with. And isn’t that the whole point?! 🫂💖
PS: there’s no “formal” start or end to this thread hehe, just a letter for you, if it resonates, I’m sending lots of hugs your way. 🫂
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou
Thank you!
Beautifully written.
Wise.
Kind.
Considerate words.
💚🤗
@Amanda84
Aww this gif is soo cute! And thank youu, Amanda. 🤗💖 Happy it resonated.
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou
Hey hi SUN, how are you doing today? 🍀
Idk what or how to say this, but I ended up crying after reading it…
There’s a storm in me lately, and I’m exhausted from pretending everything is fine.
So much coldness and cruelty out here…
The self-blame is getting out of hand.
It feels suffocating to even breathe at times.
Just numb and isolated.
I don’t know how to put this weight on my chest into words.
I feel unseen.
I’m hurting on the inside and outside.
Now I'm at the point where i feel like i don't deserve or want kindness, love, empathy compassion... I'm tried of seeking one already!!
I’m scared of myself sometimes like I’m sabotaging everything in the most destructive way possible.
I truly don’t know how to thank you, SUN. For real… I’m speechless. Everything you wrote felt so specifically tailored to me, like a warm hug around a tired soul.
I’ve always wanted to move forward from my past, but I can’t figure out what’s holding me back. I’ve been judged, blamed, criticized none of that used to get to me. But lately it feels heavy. I’m scared. All those words keep circling in my head.
And the wild part is I’m fighting battles every single minute… and no one sees it. Maybe I’m just too good at hiding, or maybe they never knew what my real happiness looked like.
Sorry if this is a lot… I broke down after reading your post. I’m incredibly grateful your words SAVED me from a heavy day.
Thank you so much, SUN. It means a lot to this wounded heart ❤️
Sending lots of love and blessings your way
Hugs 🤗
@Ailuraphilelove8tear9
Hey youuu 💖 I’m really glad you wrote back and trusted me with something this tender. Truly. Nothing to apologise here for. Nothing you shared is too much.
You’ve been carrying soo much alone. The exhaustion you’re describing, the numbness, the self blame, the feeling of being unseen… that all makes sense when someone has been fighting quietly for so long. Pretending you’re fine while everything inside hurts is such a lonely place to be. No wonder your body and heart feel tired. I want you to know this very gently. The part of you that feels undeserving of kindness is not the truth of who you are. It is a hurt part speaking. A part that has been judged, criticised, and made to believe it had to earn care. That does not mean you actually don’t deserve love or empathy. It just means you have been without it for too long. 🥺🫂
The fact that my words reached you tells me something important. There is still a part of you that wants softness, that recognises safety when it appears, even if you’re exhausted from seeking it. That part of you is not broken. It’s tired. And tired parts deserve rest, not punishment okieee.
Being scared of yourself can feel really unsettling. When pain has nowhere to go, it sometimes turns inward. That doesn’t make you destructive or bad. It means you’re overwhelmed and need gentler support than you’ve been giving yourself. You’re not sabotaging because you want to. You’re hurting and you’re trying your best to cope with this hurt in a way you’ve known thus far.
Fighting battles every minute counts, even if no one sees it. Especially if no one sees it. You are not weak for hiding. Sometimes hiding is how we survive until we find somewhere safe enough to breathe, I feel.
I see youuuu. 🫂 Your pain is real. Your effort in trying to be okay is real. You don’t have to figure everything out right now. You don’t need to move forward perfectly.
For now, it is enough that you are here, that you shared, that you let yourself feel instead of holding it all in (even if holding it in feels more instinctive). That matters more than you know.
Remember to be gentle with yourself okiee and also that you are allowed to receive care without earning it. I’m really grateful my words could sit with you on a heavy day. That means a lot to me too. You’re not alone in this space, even when it feels that way elsewhere. Sending you the softest hug back. 🫂💖 You don’t have to carry everything all by yourself here. I’m soooo proud of you for expressing yourself the way you do, so honestly. And it’s always always okay to cry. More hugsss!
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou
Hey Sun, I don't know how can you write like this, you always brighten up and bring sunshine through your words, filling the hearts with your kindness and beautifully putting the words for anyone who might read, they will feel how uplifting each words is ❤
Thank you 🌸🍨
@communicativeJet616
Aww you’re too kind always, Jettt, and it’s alwaysss super amazing to see you. 🥰 💌 How’ve you been?
Thank youu hehe, I feel mostly instead of wanting to sound a certain way or sound “right”… I just write/ say what I feel I would’ve liked/ needed to hear from someone too. It means a *looottttt* to me that my words (read: emotions expressed in a string of letters) resonate and can help uplift people. 🥹🫂
When it comes straight from the heart, it’s easier to reach other people’s heart too. And I’m only grateful I get to speak in a language (both metaphorically and literally) that can be received by many. 🤗💖
@Ailuraphilelove8tear9
Your words about "too good at hiding" is so true in many ways, people fail to notice the silent tears behind those smile. And people really never know or don't realise what other person might be going through.
Pretending to be fine is exhausting and fear of opening up and getting judged is the other thing that put a stop in sharing the pain that is inside and fear of not getting understood really hurt more.
I'm sorry you are going through this, I wish I can offer you better words to make you feel better 😅 I am in the same boat from other of the sea... You are not alone and I really wish everything to become better in your life ❤
It's like contagious, I couldn't stop tearing up when I read you teared up. Lots of Hugs to you 🎂❤ It's fine to cry, I hope it at least made you feel lighter.
@Ailuraphilelove8tear9
I might of missed this response first time round but I have heard you and will continue to do so. It is an honour to be friends.
Looks more like suffocation 😉
There is song. Forgive you, I think by Kelly clarkson. Use to think, it was a silly song. But thinking about it now, puts a smile on my face. Kind of like a sign 😊🤍🙏🏼
@secretFriend2402
Just listened to it. It’s a great song hehe, the music is upbeat while the lyric is deep, lovely blend. 💛 Happy it makes you smile now.
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou
It resonates in every aspect, angel and corner of my life. Self forgiveness is a struggle when guilt builds up more day after day. All you want to hear is “ its not your fault” or “ there was nothing you could’ve done” or “ you did not want that to happen but it did”. Self forgiveness is a struggle when potraited in the form angry faces, unsupportive gestures and unkind treatment. Everything you do to make it worth forgiving will never be enough. You carry weights that are heavier than you can handle. You wish for it to fade away and just disappear.
Self forgiveness starts with being aware of how much you have done and how much is left for you to have in life. It takes time as much as the time that was taken away from you trying to figure out how to forgive yourself. Be conscious of protecting your heart from being the person you never want to be (bitter, unkind, hateful and selfish). There is a very fine thread between finding yourself and seeing others for who truly they are. It can help you be a better person or downgrade you to being one of them. You can all do mistakes and I can easily forgive you knowing how bad it feels not to be given that chance. But I can’t do a mistake and will never forgive myself because I don’t know how it feels to forgive yourself again.
@LadyInSilence
Wow feels like someone wrote what I would have, if I journaled this in some personal diary hehe. 😭🫂
Reading this, I can feel how heavy it has been for you. Not in an abstract way, but in the way guilt settles into the body and stays there. The way it follows you quietly, even when everything on the outside looks normal. It makes sense that self forgiveness would feel distant when you have been carrying it for so long, especially when it was reinforced by anger, unkindness, or the absence of gentleness when you needed it most.
It’s like a kind of loneliness I think, in feeling like everyone else is allowed to be human except you. Like you can understand, empathise, and forgive others because you know how much it hurts to not be given that grace, but you cannot extend that same grace inward.
Not because you don’t deserve it, but because something inside you still believes you have to carry this as proof that you care and hold yourself accountable for things.
The fear of becoming bitter, unkind, or hardened by what you went through. The fact that you are aware of that, and actively trying to protect your heart from turning into something that hurt you, already says so so so much about you, you know? 🥺💛
People who have truly stopped caring or are okay with whatever they do/ say along with the consequences, do not reflect like this. They do not question themselves with this much honesty. They do not worry about what kind of person they are becoming.
It makes sense that forgiveness does not come easily when you have never felt what it is like to fully receive it yourself. You cannot replicate internally what was never modeled to you externally, mhm?
Soooo this is not a failure on your part. This is unfamiliar emotional territory. And unfamiliar things take time to feel safe. You do not have to force yourself into forgiveness before you are ready. Sometimes the first step is not forgiveness, but simply allowing yourself to exist without adding more punishment to what already happened. Just creating small moments where you are not actively turning against yourself. You are not weak for feeling the weight of this. The weight is heavyyy and you’re so so brave for carrying it.
You are someone who feels deeply, remembers deeply, and cares deeply. And even if forgiveness feels out of reach right now, the fact that you are still here, still reflecting, still wanting to protect your heart from becoming hardened, means something inside you has not given up on yourself. You do not have to figure it all out at once. You are allowed to arrive at your own pace. And I hope, over time, you are able to experience even brief moments where you are not carrying this alone inside yourself. I’m really glad you shared this so honestly. It takes more courage than people realise and I’m incredibly proud of youu! 🫂💛
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou
Thank you 🥰
where have you been? Ita been a month since I wrote this post :p
You have no idea how it feels to hear “I’m so proud of you”. It fills me with joy and a sense of achievement that kind words (which I love to use) can make a difference. Thank you
@LadyInSilence
I'm not sure how much help i'll be if any, but I'm off work for the next 6 days, happy to just listen and talk with you if you still want too.
Thank you for your kind message suni. As someone who struggles to see my better qualities , you post help me.to.understand how best to respond to my thoughts of feeling less than everyone else.
@Joe7cups
Aww heyyy Joe, I am soo happy to see you and happier to know this post helped you feel more equipped in responding to the self-criticising thoughts better.
Honestly, one of the hardest things to do is to hold ourselves accountable for being unnecessarily unkind towards ourselves and to actively make an effort in being gentle and compassionate towards self.
It takes a lot of courage to tell other people that they’ve wronged us, but it takes so much more courage to tell ourselves that we’ve been unfair to ourselves every time we’ve been harsh and unkind when we thought we didn’t know better. Clarity comes later, always after an event has occurred, after a moment has passed. In the moment we did what we best knew and could. It still matters.
What arrives later, a realisation filled with more clarity, is growth, is an experience, is us now learning better. It deserves equal acknowledgment.
I’m super proud of youu, always. I know you keep trying and you try so hard. You’re a wonderful human being, my friend. You deserve to believe in it too and remind yourself that too. 🤗💖
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou
Thank you for your heartfelt and beautiful response, Suni.
Thank you for always being kind to me.
I’m trying really hard to see myself in a better light. It is very difficult for me because of what I’ve experienced growing up. That trauma still haunts me and I’m working hard towards processing what happened to me.
Thank you for seeing the good in me Suni. You are the kind of person that sees good in everyone and that is one of the reasons I treasure your friendship.
I hope all is well for you dear friend. I hope that you feel loved and good about life. I hope you are happy and healthy.
🫂
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou thank you ❤️
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou
So value words 👏 thanks ☺️
