Day 4: Creating Safety Within Ourselves
Hey hey lovely people! 🥰
Welcome back to Day 4 of the Love Month Celebration series. 💖
We’ve been doing some reallyyyy brave inner work so far and before beginning this one, I just wanna remind you that I’m incredibly proud of youu! 🫂
We started with being honest with ourselves, then spent time getting to know ourselves even better, and on Day 3 we touched something deeper by noticing and unlearning the beliefs we’ve been carrying for a long time. After all of that, I think it feels important to slow down a little today hehe.
Because when we start looking at ourselves honestly and question old patterns, things, thought process, it can feel extremely vulnerable, or even overwhelming.
Soooo today’s focus is simple but powerful, “How safe do you feel with yourself?”
A lot of us unknowingly treat ourselves like someone who constantly needs to be corrected or pushed. Especially on hard days. Especially when we are tired, emotional, or not functioning at our best.
Over the years, I’ve come to accept better now that self-love or showing up for ourselves is not really tested when things are going well for us or going the way we want them to. It shows up in how we treat ourselves when they are not. (🥲 which is the harder part lol yes)
Creating safety within yourself means knowing that you are allowed to feel what you feel without being “attacked” for it. That you do not abandon yourself when things get messy. That being hooman is not a personal failure.
I know that for many of us, this does not come naturally. We learned somewhere along the way that our emotions were too much, rest had to be “earned”, or struggling meant we were doing something wrong or just weren’t “strong-enough”.
So I get that the idea of feeling safe with ourselves can feel unfamiliar at first. And I’m happy to hold your hand while you become more familiar with it. 🤗
Reflection time! When you feel ready, please do sit with some of these today:
💞 When I am struggling, how do I usually treat myself? Do I allow myself to feel things, or do I try to shut them down quickly?
💞 What emotions feel the most unsafe or uncomfortable for me to sit with?
💞 What does my inner voice sound like on hard days?
💞 How would it look like to respond to myself with gentleness instead of urgency?
I’ll try to add a few “practical to-dos” throughout this series, to help you feel more connected with what you think, by actually putting it to practice also sooo here’s something you can try:
The next time something feels overwhelming or too much, you take pause for a moment and quietly (if possible you can also vocalise it to yourself hehe I do this too sometimes) tell yourself “I do not need to fix this right now. I am allowed to feel this too.”
Even better if you can name/ put a label on what “this” is. The specifics can help us feel things deeply.
Only thisss! No big realisations needed. No pressure to do this perfectly or a certain way. Just allowing yourself to exist without rushing or correcting.
Alsooo, creating safety within yourself does not mean you will never feel anxious, sad, or overwhelmed or any of the “difficult to deal with scary appearing emotions” again. It just means you can slowly minimise the frequency of turning those moments into ‘reasons’ to be harsh with yourself.
Sometimes safety looks like resting. Sometimes it looks like slowing down. Sometimes it looks like choosing not to say that one cruel thing to yourself, even if you are used to it.
It can feel difficult to re-arrange our patterns but but you are learning how to be on your own side. And that takes time. You’re doing sooo amazinggg simply even for trying and trying to show up for yourself each day. 🫂💖
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou
this theme got me like
@Heather225 Awww 🥺🫂
You take your time alwaysss, H. Here with youuu! 🤗💖
(that is to say I will be back to reply to this lol it's so good!!)
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou
I've always believed my inner voices are both analytical and abstract. I still dream at nearly 45, with aspirations and goals, but the analytical is the "body keeps score" over nearly 20 years of PTSD, coupled with a rougher childhood than I even admit.
The abstract still has hope I will feel better one day. The analytical is oppressive. Its the inner critic of "All this time and you still haven't figured it out?" "You still haven't healed?"
I dont allow myself to feel, to even give myself grace, until I break. Until the panic attacks and crying fits are so bad and my body just shuts down.
I spend probably too much time with this feeling of failure. Im almost 45, I have 4 collegiate degrees in a field that has never yielded me a job in it despite all my education. I have run a small business involving one of my life's passions, but poorly on the backend, the financial stuff. I want to be a father in the worst way, but all my wife and I have earned is a horrific miscarriage and failed IVF treatments. I had a music career and a writing career that was partially lost to drinking with my psychotropic medications many years ago. This is not at all where I wanted to be by this point in my life, but trauma, PTSD, I feel obliterated from the person I once knew.
The inner voice is less harsh and more doubtful on the hard days. The patterns of self-doubt, of a lack of self-love and compassion is so bad, I can't enjoy the good days, the good moments, because the fearful hypervigiliance is just waiting for the other shoe to drop, the next bad thing to happen, and why? Because I still don't believe I deserve any of the good.
As warranted a question as the last one is, and I've been asked similar questions by my therapist Emily, I struggle to conceptualize a life of gentleness, of being kinder to myself. Even if I look at my life and say "OH my 20s, I was my best self, my greatest, highest self, there was still urgency. There was still "Get your degree", "fight broken systems" "Find yourself someone and settle down". I was still as I am now. Deep within me is still that scared little kid hoping he doesn't screw things up for himself and everyone around him.
@nicmidnight
That was too overwhelming to read. Those words, eloquently spoken in a manner no heartache could ever manage to compose but you did. The guilt, fear and shame you have described thats been carried upon yourself like the heaviest burden any human would handle. Yet it sounds so soft and delicate merged with years of acknowledgment and self aware. However self love is no where to be found or made.
Your eagerness to having a family could only mean you are in ‘how to pursue myself’ phase. I know 20 years is a very long time but as much time was taken away from you its the time you will need to consume to find that peace within your soul.
No, you are not at the same point you were 20 years. You have found love. I know many where fear and guilt has taken over to even give love to others. The thought of knowing you might hurt them scares you more than hurting youself.
This is so brave of you to even admit, let alone admitting here where prejudice can be potentially damaging. I know this place is different but you wouldn’t know unless you have exchanged words with the community here.
Sir, you are stronger than you can imagine. I have been thru with so little by far and been struggling to find that light of hope within my core.
Please let it out whenever you can. Support more as much as you can. Trust me you are not alone in this. Its just makes us feel ashamed to share knowing how much others struggle more in life. Take your time, be kinder to yourself, give credit to what you have become. I can assure you that you are not the same person you were. You are definitely better in ways your head won’t let you believe. All love to you strong man.
Hi hi @LadyInSilence just wanted to appreciate you for this extremely thoughtful gesture and sweet response to our peer. 🥰
Coming across kind people like you make my time wandering and posting in the forumland all the more worth it hehe! Thank youuu! 💛
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou
Thank you. I too hope that nicmidnight would also read it and it would mean something. We all have struggles and to our surprise they can look the same even if the events were different. The feeling, the impact, the effect, its what make us feel often humans under one planet. I wish I can make all of our miseries vanish away but without knowing them, we wouldn’t know how to be content, at peace or relieved. Thank you for being the support we all need in our life. 🥰
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou
@LadyInSilence
Been a privilege to talk to both of you.
@LadyInSilence
I'm just in awe 👍👍
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou
Honestly, it would be an alien thing for me to even ask myself how I was, I always just look out for others 🥺💚
@Amanda84
(Okay could you please stop being such a mirror to me smh! 😂😭)
🫂🫂🫂
I feel you on this, Amanda. When you haven’t learned to check in with yourself and care for your needs, it can feel alien to even consider thinking about it.
There’s tons of things we didn't learn by birth, but have taught ourselves over time. I hope you can make this one of those self-taught lessons for yourself because yesss you deserve to care about yourself and prioritise your needs too. 🤗 I believe in youuu! 💖
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou Thank you for writing this. Such wholesome reminder
@LavenderMeadow
You are so welcome! 🥰
Alsoo your profile picture and username are soo amazing!
When I'm struggling, I hug myself and say assuring words like "I love you and am proud of you, you are always enough, valuable, loved, and appreciated.
I feel unsafe when I have a feeling of stress, and I try as I can to let it go. It is usually because of my social life because it's changing this period for me. I've been dealing with many people recently and I used to be an introvert.
@sunnyStrawberries4807
Your self awareness is incredibly inspiring seriously hehe.
Glad you’re able to recognise what stresses you out and how to comfort yourself.
Self-hugs and kind reminders for the winn!🥰
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou
Thank you for this series, it is helping me focus my reflections and slowly be more comfortable.
When I am struggling I tend to engage my logical analytical nature where possible, research and consider as many different points of view as I can. Loneliness and fear of the future for health related reasons are my biggest issues, I've accpeted both and looking to find ways to better manage my emotional reaction to them, but at least where loneliness is concerned I've resolved not to sell my self short and resort to people pleasing to find friendship, it's not lead to meaningful lasting friendships in the past. I'm very loyal, emotional and open so not surprisingly I look for the same from friendships.
Joining 7 Cups has helped with the loneliness, particularly being open and the responses I've seen, it has helped boost my confidence and resolve to keep working on myself and just be open to more meaningful friendships when opportunities do arise.
Hey hey @RunningMachine your responses are always so well thought out and I’m sooo happy this series has helped you to reflect more and feel more comfortable too. 🥰
“I've accepted both and looking to find ways to better manage my emotional reaction to them” ~ honestly? I feel this is the gist of everything we face in life.
To be able to accept things as they are, especially when it’s something beyond our immediate control, because the more we fight against the reality, the harder it keeps hitting us.
Things like health concerns is one such I feel. :/ Praying on everyone’s good health always.
Acceptance doesn’t mean a said thing is okay or right or that we are okay with it. It simply means we are accepting of the nature of it and realise that there’s boundaries to what we can and cannot control.
About control? Yeaaasss, the one thing we can actually have a better control over is our emotional response or simply a response to it.
Mind over matter!
I’m sooo glad that being on 7 cups has been helpful to you in terms of better expressing yourself, learning more about you and allowing yourself to explore the friendship opportunities, eventually helping you better manage loneliness.
You’re a wonderful person to have here and I’m happy to get to know you more via these posts too hehe. It was also super relatable when you said your mind goes all analytical and logical mode when there’s things to solve present. 🥲 It can be draining in a way, to always be in that space of mind where we are trying to make sense of things and finding solutions of it.
Being on 7 cups even as a listener has really helped me with this aspect I think lol, helping me realise that sometimes it’s okay to first feel the emotions that arise instead of jumping straight to “okay what to do about this now?”. A lot of times things won’t make sense but it doesn’t take away the validity of having and feeling the emotions that come with it. :)
You’re working on yourself and soo invested in actually seeking the good through this process also. Keep being amazing as everrrr! 💛
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou
Thank you, I truly appreciate your kind words. I'v quite possible found my tribe on Cups 😄😄
Yay! @RunningMachine
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou I love the idea of being safe with yourself. Its a little like trying not to shoot the second arrow idea. Which I understand to mean that if life gives you a hard knock you don’t give yourself another.
Hiya @limegreenLake1865 I’m glad you like the idea of creating a safe space within yourself.
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou
💞 What emotions feel the most unsafe or uncomfortable for me to sit with?
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou
💞 When I am struggling, how do I usually treat myself? Do I allow myself to feel things, or do I try to shut them down quickly?
When I’m struggling, the first reaction is to have negative internal dialogue. I try to shut my emotions down quickly. It has become a real process to learn to sit with it. I’ve been picking up my journal more than just at morning and nighttime to get the thoughts and emotions out.
💞 What emotions feel the most unsafe or uncomfortable for me to sit with?
Fear, failure, instability, shame, guilt
💞 What does my inner voice sound like on hard days?
Unkind, angry and unforgiving
💞 How would it look like to respond to myself with gentleness instead of urgency?
A new way of life. A calm, present, kind approach.