Married 12 years and she is asking to open the marriage.
We’ve been best friend since 11 and 15. We are 35 and 39 now with 3 sons and almost 12 years married. She has extensive trauma history and recently (1.5 years ago) went through equine assisted trauma therapy. We grew up in the Bible Belt and my beliefs, rather indoctrination, is wildly conservative. I’ve struggled to move past those early ideas but a lot has stuck with me and it’s become a fork in the road for our marriage and even friendship. It’s difficult to understand her needs at this point. She is beautiful, has gone viral on iG and TIkTok. Some local followers reached out and she began entertaining emotional relationships with these people and has had some physical and certainly emotional intimacy with more than one person. She identified as lesbian when we married, with an agreement that she would have a serious girlfriend at some point (which never panned out). Now 11.5 years into marriage she “finds inspiration” from males trying to pursue much more than a friendship. I’m chastised for jealousy, wanting to be included but she is so guarded and quickly angered when I try to be a part of it. She’s threatened divorce and every other way to insist that these relationships will remain in her life regardless of my feelings. I can accept friends of the opposite sex but it really hurts to have my personal life shared with others as well as her developing relationships that have no part of our bond. Anyone experienced losing a spouse to social media? I’m not looking for a fix, more so similar experiences and how others have dealt with this. Thanks all, have a great day!!
@DaniTechnicolor22
Hello,
12 years is a long time!
I congrats you on that.
I feel you are very valid in being jealous and wanting to be included.
After all, you are married.
So, it’s understandable.
hope you can work things out. 💛✨
@DaniTechnicolor22,
emotional relationships are killing.
Sorry but if she persists than the marriage doesn't stand a chance.
It is sad that she is seeking validation from people on social media ...
this is happening everywhere and people are destroying their marriages and friendships based on a fleeting feeling of flirting and attraction. You can look up the term limerance and a place called the marriage helper has videos and podcasts about these short term yet intense attractions and what it can end up as.
@DaniTechnicolor22
Everything has is pros and cons so does social media. Some people are using it to make world more beautiful place and some are using it to exploit others.
Social media is also create a communication barrier, earlier people use to talk, communicate but now days they all have world at there finger tip. Except there loved once. Communication make the relationship stronger and help to know more about one another in more depth. Marrige is life long journey where you learn everyday something new. So please communicate and create social media time out hours.
@DaniTechnicolor22
My last response was in general........I re-read your post and i will tell you something a bit closer to what your asking..... I met someone on a discussion forum who makes me feel great .. at first i thought it would not really matter as a new friend was far away simple flirting and such right.
Now i see the harm .... i have feelings for a person.......... i only have seen in a zoom setting and i am mad all the time at my spouse for not being closer to my friend.........
my spouse never compliments me ....... never talks to me in a way i feel desirable ........ barely listens to me while my friend can repeat back anything i have ever shared with him........
My spouse assumes what i Like instead of asking .......most of what he says I like is what HE likes ....as if i was just an extension of him ...
it is remarkable the difference of someone asking about your day and really wanting to hear even the mundane....
a message saying "good morning beautiful"................. instead of coming out to the kitchen and spouse did not just turn on coffee cause he did NOT want some.
This is my reality ........I asked my spouse to open our marriage also.............because i was tired of being ALONE with him right there ..... always too tired to do anything .... always not knowing what to do..... so we do nothing.....zero sex life because he has ED issues ........
Obviously not the same but how do you address her love languages? .......
do you try like you did when dating?...
she is getting some sort of positive out of these flirtations or she would stop ......At least that is how i feel ......if hubby would give a shit and make me feel like i am what he wants .... i would most likely end my friendship .......
but i know his idea of compliments are always backhanded and just tonight i sat and looked at something he said he was throwing away 3 weeks ago take up space on the kitchen table ..... i have barely enough room for my plate while his crap is all over......he freaks out if i touch his stuff even though we have been together for decades ..................so i will keep my friend and hopefully meet in person someday. I no longer even feel guilty about it.
@toughTiger6481
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you're in a difficult relationship.
I hope you find happiness soon.
@DaniTechnicolor22- Sorry to hear you are experiencing this in your marriage. Social media makes it too easy to connect with others. And developing an emotional connection online is safe, simple and destructive to committed relationships.
Is she open to couples counseling, to find new ways to stay involved in your marriage. Learn more about each others needs, boundaries and goals.
I wish you the best, most importantly take care of yourself during this stressful time. If she does not want to go to counseling it would be beneficial for yourself to weather through this transition.
I’m very sorry for what you are experiencing in your marriage. I know that it’s heartbreaking and painful.
It speaks volumes that you mention that you married your best friend. That was very nice to hear. 🙂
I’ve been married 22 years. The key to marriage (I think) is friendship and communication. I’ve only ever known toxic relationships (parents, grandparents, etc.) in which the spouses were definitely not friends and the entire relationship was based on expectations and fantasy. Thus, my marriage is very similar.
I’ve also experienced deep psychological trauma and I understand the role that trauma plays in a marriage. Each marriage is complex. Trauma adds another layer of complexity to a marriage because it impacts behavior, personality, expectations, emotional and physical needs, and our coping mechanisms. (sometimes a person dealing with trauma can only take care of themselves, which can seem selfish and narcissistic, but I believe trauma can cause a person to lose their true identity. The person may be in an endless loop of fight or flight.) In and of itself, trauma is a serious issue and, in my opinion, severely limits the ability to mend a relationship without professional help….perhaps without an endpoint.
Generally speaking, humans want physical and emotional connection. The degree of each varies by person, but we all want human connection, intimacy, validation, self-worth, etc. If a person is broken (like many of us are) social media and emotional affairs provide a quick fix—and like drug or alcohol addiction—it’s very hard to stop once you’ve started taking your paradoxical “happy pills.” I’m sorry to say, the person making these decisions is the one that has to decide what they are going to choose to do. Add in trauma and life issues and it becomes a day to day decision to do what’s healthy for yourself and respectful to others.
I wish you the best as you make decisions for you and your family. These are not easy decisions to make because there’s no “winning” involved for anyone. 😔
@Olive1Q82,
so true what you say about trauma and the impact they might have on a person hence on the relationship a person is in. So recognizable. If not processed, you are not totally "whole". Always cautious, you can fully trust someone deeply but never for the full 100 percent.
Thanks for sharing.