Issues with Inappropriate Messaging! TW: Mentions of sexual topics
Hey all! I decided to make a post in an attempt to spread awareness about a topic I feel is not very heavily talked about on 7Cups. Usually, I try to be very bubbly, and happy on the site, but I feel this is a serious topic, which should have a serious post. Before you start reading this post, this is a trigger warning We will be discussing serious topics about sexulization, and inappropriate messages <3 thank you loves!
I had my profile picture as a cartoon of hello kitty for the longest time. I decided, after months of being on the site, that I trusted it enough to change it to a picture of myself. I asked for other people's opinions on it, and I too had decided I trusted the people on the site. I later found a picture I loved of myself, I had just taken it and I really really liked it. It was perfect for the site, as it wasn’t inappropriate, and I felt it really showed my style. Once set as my profile picture, I soon realized my mistake. Messages came pouring in from users, about my profile picture. Some were sweet, encouraging me, and giving me lots of positive feedback on the picture! It made me feel awesome that people liked it, and thought I looked good in it, as did I. However, it is apparent all good things must come to an end. I quickly received multiple sexualized and/ or inappropriate messages. It really started to bring me down. After changing my profile picture back to a cartoon, it took a bit of time for me to revisit the idea of having an actual picture. After having a chat with a good friend of mine, I decided I could brave through it. Other people have theirs as themselves, so why couldn’t I do it? Trying to ignore messages quickly became an incredibly difficult task. Mind you, I did not have my profile picture as myself for very long. It was only a couple weeks. To see this kind of feedback over a profile picture was absolutely devastating. It put me in a bad space mentally, and made me view 7Cups in an unwelcoming and unkind way.
Coming on Cups with a fear of being sexualized, makes me not want to come on Cups at all. It fills me with great sadness, because I love the site, and I have met many amazing people on it, but having this continulley happen to me, and others, over something as trivial as a picture is greatly upsetting.
I asked the wonderful Mary-Kate (@enchantedlove) to come here and talk about her experiences with this issue, and she (being the amazing person she is) agreed to help me out, and share her experience.
Hey there you lovelies! It’s mary-kate speaking! I agreed to share my experience on this post, to hopefully help some of you who may also be feeling this way, or dealing with something similar! Just as cocoa states in her story, I too had a picture of my favorite flower for the longest time! I started to switch it up, and changed it to a picture of me! Almost instantly I felt the supportive kindness from many of my friends and acquaintances, yet at the same time I started receiving many messages from users about it that were inappropriate! At first, I was flattered! Sort of like “oh look people think I'm pretty” kind of flattered. After some time of receiving these messages I started to realize, they aren’t being kind. It's not a compliment to be sexualized, or anything like that at all! I really enjoy having a photo of me, because that way you all can see there’s a smiling face right here to support you! It makes me sad that I experiment to see which photos gain less/more negative attention. I feel as if this should not even have to be a worry in my mind, but it is <3.
This is a struggle that not just I face. Many of the lovely people I know have faced an issue similar, whether on 7 Cups or not! You aren’t alone in this! I know it may seem really really sad and scary, but we are always here for you! If you ever feel in need of some support with how to handle a situation like this that may be happening to you, feel free to pm either @cocoakrispies121 or me (@enchantedlove)
I'd like to discuss a few ways we can handle this!! Personally, i send a pm to the person of whom I’ve received and inappropriate message from, explaining that I don’t feel comfortable with that, and it is not okay, I explain I'm still here to support them, if they are able to refrain from saying such things <3 Everyone has their own way of dealing with it though! You can always message a trusted leader on 7 Cups, or even someone you trust in real life. There is always help!
Thank you for listening my loves!
*hands mic back to cocoa*
Thank you Mary-Kate, for sharing! This really is an issue we both felt needed more attention, and it's quite upsetting to see people who I care about going through the same thing. Having somebody reach out to you in a sexual, or otherwise derogatory way, can be extremely detrimental. Especially if you are a person who has done it, this is us telling you to stop. 7 Cups is a platform used for supporting others, a platform where people should feel safe. Having this happen can trigger somebody greatly, and you may never know. It ruins Cups greatly, and all the progress the site has made gets thrown away when people behave like this. It truly hurts my heart that I have to write this post, but I am hoping by writing it others will think about their actions before they do it. Thank you all for reading, and feel free to spread the post around :)
Adding onto this - members can bring up sexual topics when it comes to support. This doesn't give them the right to send inappopriate messages to listeners.
Listeners should NOT be bringing up these topics with members. I've had many chats were listeners have asked me questions that would be appropriate if they were on-topic. For changing the topic, it's inappropriate.
eg. me - I feel sick and tired all the time. Them - Are you satified with how often you have sex? Inappropriate
me - I'm worried that x and I aren't have sex often enough. Them - Are you satified with how often you have sex? Appropriate, it makes sense for the topic although there are better questions to ask before this.
@AffyAvo
Yes! I didn't mean that sexual topics cannot be discussed, my bad. I geared the post more to inappropriate "compliments," or where the user thinks it is okay to engage in unhealthy and inappropriate conversatons with other users :) Appropriate and healthy sexual conversations should happen and be encouraged!
@cocoakrispies121 Your post didn't sound like you weren't ok with it, just thought I would add that in plus include the fact that it's not ok for listeners just to decide to make it the topic!
@AffyAvo
Yes! I totally agree <3
@cocoakrispies121 I hear you. Sometimes listeners welcome talk about sex.
Other listeners put in their profiles "no sex chats". I hope members and listeners will both respect each other's right to privacy and respect their preferences on their profiles.
If not respected, I would refer the member to the profile or set the boundary about the topic.
I use this 4 step approach and for me it eliminates the triggering by making boundaries clear and enforcing them. It can be adapted to being used by members too because members have power to end the chat or block, but blocking should only be done aftter 2-3 verbal warnings, since it can be hurtful.
Here is the 4 step approach
Act early when a chat seems inappropriate.
1) Warn topic triggering or inappropriate
2) Warn change topic or will have to end chat or find other listener if the topic is okay but triggering to you
3) If persist end the chat
4) Only after end the chat and they return do I block them as last resort
5) If the member is very inappropriate, I report the member using this form to protect the 7cups community from inappropriate members and listeners: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSffQk1RhknozmquuEYiE_fZDp2ynNz-VB4XXBbRrrKmV57V5w/formResponse
@soulsings
Thats amazing Soul! I use a similar process as well, and thank you for putting it here so people can refer to it!
@cocoakrispies121 you are welcome.
@AffyAvo good point Affy !
@cocoakrispies121 @enchantedlove
Thank you so much for sharing this so that people who have gone through this can know that they aren't alone and that their experiences matter. I felt like I could really understand all of the different feelings as I was reading through this.
"I'm so happy to share this picture of myself that I feel really expresses who I am and to get positive feedback."
"I can't believe this picture of me that I feel so happy with is being twisted into something unrecognizable. This isn't the way I see myself or want to be seen."
"I feel afraid of coming onto 7 Cups if people are going to respond to me that way."
"I hate the fact that I even have to worry about this, that I can't just post a picture of myself that I like."
I'm glad that you've been able to find an approach that feels like it works. And I'm glad that rules/norms are in place that help make it acceptable/defensible for listeners to protect themselves and establish boundaries for what they will and will not accept.
@QuietMagic
Thank you Magic! It was a tough one to post, as it was kind of personal and I wasn't sure how others were going to feel, but I am glad it is being accepted well :) Thank you for reading and replying, it means so much to me!
@cocoakrispies121
I've had a photo of myself ever since I joined this site in 2015. As a member I wanted to know who I'm talking to and I want to make them feel more comfortable. Back then it wasn't as bad for some reason. I had the occasional members flirt or be inappropriate but it wasn't common. Even then I'd politely explain and they respected it.
The past 2 years have been pretty bad. I even put up that I'm married, and male. Some either fetishize me for it or insult me sometimes. I don't want to put my gender as female because I would be lying and I would probably get even more messages and never hear the end of it.
Unfortunately i don't think anyone has control over who comes on here and with what kind of intentions. The only thing we can do is report them. I found that the best way of dealing with them is to just ignore them and not give them any reaction. Especially if they just message you out of the blue flirting off the start.
@Aylexis
I agree, it is unfortunate that we can't "read" a users intent, and I'm so sorry to hear you had similar experiences. Not giving them a reaction is key, I totally agree with that. I think adding more training on, so listeners are better prepared to deal with this sort of thing would be beneficial, however! Thank you so much for reading and replying!!
@cocoakrispies121
I love the way you've addressed this topic! I recognise that it takes courage to put up your own picture as a profile picture. Even without a picture, I get some strange messages just because my gender is set to female.
Sometimes people don't realise what they're doing is wrong. They see a face and start hitting on the person. This is why I like what you wrote; it shows the other side of the story. Not all people are flattered, and not everyone is looking for a relationship.
:)
@usefulSummer3139
I'm really glad you liked the post! I totally agree, not everybody takes it as a compliment or is looking for a relationship. Thank you so much for reading it! :)
Thank you so much Cocoa (@cocoakrispies121) and Mary-Kate (@enchantedlove) for sharing and raising awareness about this topic. You are completely right to say that this is inappropriate and makes cups a more unwelcoming community. I am sorry to hear about your experiences.
I too have had members and a few listeners bring up or even start chats talking about sexual things or outrightly wanting offsite contact. It disturbed me so much that I set my status permanently to offline so that it wouldn't show at the top of the browse listeners page. I always then set clear boundaries with members and listeners regarding what I am comfortable talking about, but they are not always respected. I have considered having my face as my profile picture, but ultimately decided against it due to the reasons you brought up in this post.
I feel that new listeners can also be better prepared for such situations during listener training as it can be an uncomfortable and distressing experience, and could discourage them from continuing to be a listener. Giving warnings and blocking/reporting members can be scary for new listeners who are hesitant to turn away members who are seeking support, and some additional information on how to handle such situations could be immensely helpful to new listeners.
This post is greatly appreciated. Thank you for sharing and helping to make cups a safer and warmer place for everyone
@hopebeyondpain
Wow, thank you for those amazing points! I'm really sorry to hear about you're similar experiences. I 100% agree that a training should be provided/included in basic training for these types of chats, as I had a hard time turning away members when I first started. Thank you for reading/responding to the post, I really appreciate it!
@cocoakrispies121, a very important topic that definitely doesn't receive the amount of thought that it should. Good post!
@RebekahRoyal
Thank you Rebekah!
Thank you Coco and Mary Kate for sharing your experiences. I have had members to try to talk about their fantasies or fetishes. I let them know that you can talk about your problem without the graphic sexual details. Sometimes they try to continue anyway and when I let them know that this is not acceptable on the 7 Cups website, if they continue I block them and write a reason why I did. I have told members that I am not the best listener for this situation and they need to find another listener who is more equipped to chat with them. I have had members to try to get personal information from me. They also asked me about my sex life and the frequency of it. I let them know that my life is private that's why this website is anonymous. I've had to step back from 7 Cups myself but I am glad that I'm apart of The Listener family and I do feel that I make a difference in people's lives.
Heyaa @cocoakrispies121 and @enchantedlove, I am truly sorry to hear about y'alls experiences. It is heartbreaking to know something like this happens even on a rather *good for health* / *positive* platform like 7 cups, but I do know that it does happen, having a first hand experience with the same. I never really felt comfortable discussing it with anyone either, it was a traumatic experience 🤧 still gives me chills to think of those couple of days that I experienced something very similar to what y'all did, it was bad enough to make me want to even leave 7 cups entirely (and potentially be on an alert with all things "internet world" smh) ~ I couldn't accept new chats for a while after that but then slowly I just thought to myself that because of a few people I cannot let down the better part of the community which was obviously more in number and well, strength.
It is awful that most of us don't really feel comfortable putting our face out here, despite that being another way to connect with people and assure them that there's another hooman behind the screen :( I feel y'all. ❤
It must have taken alot of courage to post it here, I applaud you both, thankyou really. ❤ hugs to all who need them.