The Way of the River
We are on a river on a kayak. Life is flowing by us. We get stuck in rocks. Sometimes these are minor jams. Other times we can crash on them and almost die. Life isn’t easy for any of us.
Learning how to manage your kayak on the river of life is a core skill. The better you do this, the more quickly you solve life challenges and can get back into following the current.
A lot of our rocks in life are tied to relationships. Most good things in life are tied to other people and most bad things are also tied to people. If we can master our relationships, then we can more quickly avoid getting hurt by the rocks that are certain to keep showing up as we move down the river.
Let me take a quick detour. I had written this post on the importance of finding heroes. People that we admire can be a sort of North Star for us. They can be people you respect that are friends and family members, or they can be historical figures like MLK or religious figures like Moses, Christ, Mohammed, or Krishna.
I believe that people exist on different frequency levels (Hawkins, 1985). And that you have to solve a number of problems to graduate from one level to the next. Here is my quick simplification.
Level X: Unconditional Love
Level IX: Peace
Level VIII: Joy
Level VII: Generosity
Level VI: Reason
Level V: Neutral
Level IV: Selfishness
Level III: Hatred/Anger
Level II: Fear
Level I: Shame
You can think of each level having 100 sub-levels. We move up the sub-levels by solving problems in our life (see this post). Eventually we solve enough problems and make enough compounding gains that we move up to an entirely new level. For example, we move from Selfishness to Neutral or from Neutral to Generosity.
The hard thing about this process of leveling up is that it is painful. It breaks down your ego. You have to eat a lot of humble pie. The most important skills are realizing your own limitations, apologizing when appropriate, and asking for help. These 3 skills help you make the most progress but are also the most painful to the ego.
This process of breaking you down is necessary because each leveling up needs to create space in your heart for more of the quality of that new level. E.g., if I am moving from reason to generosity, then life will need to create challenges for me to break me down and loosen me up, so that I can adjust and add more generosity in my life.
Note: this isn’t like a container of generosity that I pick up from a shelf and pour into my heart. Rather, through the difficult and challenging process of solving problems in my life I will have to become more generous in order to resolve the difficulties I am facing.
In this manner, the lessons of life get woven into the fibers of our being. They are not abstract ideas or virtues that exist “out there”. No, instead, they are ways of being that become a part of our fabric, our cells, and we then embody these characteristics.
Why would anyone want to do this?
This is a good question. It is painful. The reason you’d want to do it is because each time you level up you have a better experience of life. You become more liberated, humble, and at peace. The prison of the ego - and what a taskmaster it is! - loses more and more of its hold on you. You become free!
Here are the advantages of leveling up.
1. You become much more aligned with Love. I believe Love is a benevolent force in this life that is always looking out for us and trying to help us. These redemptive patterns are happening to all of us continuously, however the lower the level the harder it is to see them. Imagine a surfer that can’t see amazing waves coming at them. They should hop on their board and surf! If you are stuck at a lower level, then you’ll just miss the waves because you literally can’t see them.
2. You have more options. Think of each level as doubling in options as you go up. So level I you have one circle that represents one option. Level II you have 4 circles. Level III you have 8. Level IV you have 16, then 32, 64, 128 etc. all the way up to the highest level which is 512 options! Having more options means that you have more flexibility and strength. When you have limited options then things really have to go your way - and unfortunately a lot of time life doesn’t go according to plan. Less options = more fragile. The more options you have the more antifragile you are. You can find multiple paths through the challenge because you have a lot more options.
Caveat: You don’t get to take credit for any of these things working out. It becomes very obvious just how limited you are as you level up and correspondingly you can also see how much this benevolent process is helping you.
3. You transform yourself and in the process transform others and the world around you. When we fight with others, it is very normal to feel locked into conflict. Both sides dig in their heels and refuse to see the other person’s argument. We just insist and then insist louder. Unfortunately, as we know, this strategy hardly ever works.
Instead, a counter-intuitive strategy - that actually works - is to level up. When we say to ourselves, okay perhaps this person has an important point, and we try to understand the world from their perspective, then we can begin to get around our limited perspective with our limited options (see point above). Furthermore, when we actively forgive the person, more options become visible. Last, and this is a very hard thing to do, but I think they are insightful words from a Wise Person, when we pray for our enemies or we wish them the best, then even more options open up. The relational problem can be solved because you move from a lower level with less options to a higher level with more options.
4. You don’t really care what people say about you. This is a big one. We are wired to really care what others think about us. It is painful when people say hurtful or untrue things about us. However, the truth of it is, social shaming is often used to keep us in little boxes. Don’t do this. Do this. Stay in the lines. Levelling up means that some people might not like what you are doing. They also might not understand you. This is painful to start, but as you level up it matters less and less.
5. You worry less about money. Money is a substitute for things. Let’s say I have fruit trees. If I know that they need sunshine and water, then I will reliably have fruit. I won’t have to worry about it. If I didn’t understand how fruit trees worked, even if I had them (!), then I would need money to feel safe in order to buy fruit. However, if I understand how fruit trees work, then I don’t need money because I have fruit. Much of life is like this. The best things in life are free. I’ll share more on this in another post.
Practical Steps:
It is normal in life to become activated or triggered when stressed. This happens when we feel overwhelmed with a negative emotion like anxiety, worry, or anger. We do not have to run away from these feelings. Instead, they are important signals - they are invitations for us to level up - and also indicators that we are stuck on the rocks.
Here is a simple process to move past the trigger.
1. Ask yourself what this experience reminds you of in your past. This could be in childhood, adolescence or adulthood. Your mind will quickly find the pattern.
2. Try to forgive the person from the earlier experience. Work to forgive yourself if you played a part in it. Last, forgive the person in the current stressor or challenge.
This allows you to get unhooked or resolve the issue so that you can move forward in your kayak on the next stretch of open water.
More details on practical steps (credit to @SoulfullyaButterfly for help here!)
Recognize that you are activated and name the feeling(s).
First, catch the moment you’re emotionally flooded. Notice the shift: tightness in your body, racing thoughts, shallow breathing. Awareness is the first step to noticing what your reaction or feelings are.
Your internal dialogue may sound like:
“This isn’t fair.”, “Why is this happening again?”, “I can’t believe they said/did that.”, “I’m so stupid.”, “This always happens to me.”
Feelings may be feeling anxious, angry, rejected etc. Related internal signals are “I shouldn’t feel like this.”, “It’s their fault.”, “I need to fix this right now.”
Naming those feelings/emotions starts putting up space between you and the reaction.
Trace it back:
Ask yourself:, “What does this remind me of?”, “When have I felt this same way before?”
Your internal dialogue may sound like:
“This feels just like when Dad ignored me.”, “This reminds me of how my old boss humiliated me.”, “I always screw things up.”
Work to forgive the person from the earlier experience.
They may have been doing the best they could with the tools they had - or maybe not. Either way, holding on keeps you stuck.
Then, forgive yourself if you played a part in it. Lastly, forgive the person or situation in the current moment.
Internal dialogue to practice:
“They couldn’t give me what they didn’t have.”, “I did the best I could back then.”, “I don’t have to carry this anymore.”, “This person today isn’t the one who hurt me back then.”
Choose the next right action
Now that the trigger has loosened its grip, ask yourself: “What would a wiser, freer version of me do next?”, “What’s one small action I can take from Love, Generosity, or Peace?”
Your internal dialogue may sound like:
“I can step away for now.”, “I’ll speak calmly when I’m ready.”, “Maybe this isn’t about me.”
The faster you can recognize the level you’re operating from and shift your internal dialogue, the sooner you get back into the flow of life.
In closing, we are all on our own kayak on the river of life. We will find good friends, joyful times, and beauty. We will also find people who are against us, difficult times, and pain. The key is to remember your limitations, apologize if appropriate, and ask for help. There is always a person available to help you get past the rocks. That is what we do here and a big part of why we continue to level up through challenging times (another way of seeing this - there is always a person one level up that will extend a hand down when you lift up your hand for help.)
Questions:
How does the way of the river resonate with you?
What are some internal dialogue changes you can make?
@GlenM
I think in early life, I stumbled through levels one to seven, then backwards and forwards at regular intervals. When I first saw level 3, I felt like I’d bypassed it, or at least not operated at that level very often. Then it occurred to me, that I actually did spend a lot of time at level three, but it was self-directed. Levels 1 and 2 were omnipresent in my early years. Level 4 was in a way less of a problem for me, as we were poor and it rarely occurred to me that I could want anything and hope to receive it. Yet, there’s a different kind of selfishness, in the form of self-absorption. By that I mean being preoccupied with my own misery. That kind of self-focus means that there’s no awareness or willingness to consider what others may be experiencing or what a person can offer in the way of support.
The conventional wisdom suggests that when one is feeling bereft, they have nothing to offer others. That may be true, especially when going through very dark times, but I figured out that all it takes is a tiny spark of compassion that can be shared, and one discovers they have something of value to offer. That in turn helps a person to feel less bereft.
I can’t take a lot of credit for making that discovery. For some reason, in my early adult years, others began enjoying my company. It was confusing at first, and as time went on, I was still intermittently confused by it. However, it was at that time in my life that I “got a clue” regarding sharing a spark of compassion, even while feeling very negatively about myself.
At that point, I believe I jumped from level 4 to level 7. I’m not sure I spent even a minute at level 5. Regarding level 6, I believe it’s intrinsic to levels 7 – 10. I also believe that levels 7 and 8 may at times be missing while level 10 remains.
Thanks for the really excellent thought exercise!
Thank you for sharing your experience! Yes, I think these things are just directionally right or Broadway correct. And very cool that you jumped! Also, great insights that no matter where we are we can always share compassion with others, and that has the benefit of lifting us both up!
@Spiritriver a tiny spark of compassion, captures the purpose of this community perfectly 🥰💜
@GlenM
Hiii Glen! This is an extraordinarily amazing post! I am so glad about reading this and I must say you have an exceptional depth in explaining life! I am so impressed! Thank you so much for this!
One thing I would just want to ask is can you please explain me more about having more options in the process of leveling up and becoming anti-fragile through an example or something?
It would be a great help!💕
Thanks for the kind words! Yes, imagine that you are in a relationship and in conflict with the other person. The normal approach is to stay stubborn and keep fighting. Leveling up would be looking at the situation from their perspective, offering grace, and apologizing if it’s appropriate Then, all of a sudden, you have many more options than just staying in conflict. Additionally, you learned something in the process that you didn’t know before. This learning of something new makes you less fragile and more anti-fragile.
@GlenM
I got it absolutely! Thankyouuuu very muchhh Glen! Means a lot to me!💕
Thank you @GlenM for another great insightful and wise contribution!
The parable/metaphor resonates a lot with me. I totally agree that life really is like riding a river, sometimes nice, sometimes wild, and with many twists you don’t see coming. We sometimes hit those “stuck between two rocks” situations when it seems we won’t get out and moving again. But like with a kayak, it’s about how to move with the current instead of fighting it.
And yes, in my case, my thoughts, like my self-talk, play a big part in all this. They might make me stuck, and also unstuck me. And of course a lot of my issues today come from old stuff hidden under the rug. It’s easier to find the way forward once I am aware of them.
And sometimes I get motivation from unexpected places like a song, a person, a new activity, and it gives me the push to get moving again.
Those rocks in the river are a fact of life, but we can always keep paddling, maybe not like olympic athletes, but certainly moving forward at our own pace.
Hello, @HealingTalk
I agree that "we can always keep paddling" and "moving forward at our own pace". Being stuck in between rocks shouldn't be the obstacle that stops us from moving forward, those are the challenges in life that we all experience. We should take it as challenge, something to overcome, and not have it make us feel stuck like there's no way out. Sometimes, moving that paddle in a different direction, or have the current push us from the side, could often free us. We just need to think of ways to get "out" in different perspectives/angles.
I hope you're doing well, maneuvering your way around those rocks~
Hi @Jaeteuk
How nice to exchange Forum messages again after so long!
I am happy that you have stayed active in the Forums, always bringing interesting perspectives and genuine insights based on your life experiences.
I completely agree that those are the challenges and the possibilities we have. As a result, we might move forward, getting closer to where we wish to be in life, and also become a bit smarter and stronger from solving the puzzles and making the effort to overcome those challenges.
It was a nice surprise meeting you again here, Jaeteuk!
Keep in touch, and all the best in your life!
Oh yes, it has been a while since we've exchanged messages, @HealingTalk
As always, I've enjoyed reading your responses. You seem to always say something in ways that I'm at a lost of words for and say it in a much rounded version.
I experienced the whole "stuck between the rocks" last year, during the toughest months of grieving. Something finally clicked early this year, and I was able to think more clearly and get out of that situation. And you're right, to have been stuck for 6 months, and learning how to get myself out of that stump, it does make me feel stronger. At least, I'll know how to deal with it if it happens again in the future, or who I could help others if they're stuck in the same way.
How have you been?
@HealingTalk thank you for your kind words HT! And for being a model kayaker. I always enjoy your description of the river as it goes by 🙏
Thank you, Glen! I am glad that you like the descriptions. I have actually done some whitewater rafting in steep mountain rivers down here, so the image is very vivid in my mind. And the analogy you pose fits perfectly according to my experience. For example, sometimes the rapids are nice and fun, adding some spice to life. Other times you slowly float with the current, peacefully appreciating the environment. And suddenly, all heII might break loose and things become genuinely dangerous. I do try to adapt in life accordingly, from attentive to contemplative, and sometimes in crisis control mode 🙂
@GlenM
@HealingTalk haha so well said! yes, the "all *** breaks loose" are the most challenging for me. they are also the times I learn and grow the most because it requires such rapid responses and quick feedback loops. not at all fun, but sometimes unavoidable it seems!
Marcus Aurelius' "What stands in the way becomes the way." on steroids and at warp speed!
@GlenM
@HealingTalk so good!
@GlenM
it will take a few hours of fully cognitive reading to fully comprehend all what this post contains in its entirety.
so much is (while skimming) very valuable.
digesting what’s post then answering questions in relation. Not a thing that can be done off hand in 2 min.
Hope to relay soon.
has a post ever felt so much like therapy.. 🤷🏻♀️.
@LabeledBPD thank you for reading and please let me know if I can be helpful in better describing any particular opaque points!
@GlenM
How does the way of the river resonate with you?
this sounds a lot like something we studied it called ( Window of tolerance) it talks about a river too. within the river you want to be in middle. but at times your to the left or right. this place is were ones out of tolerance or can say uncomfortable.
this is what said about it. some see it as a river others as like a window or can have it river or like a window."
The Window of Tolerance refers to the
zone you can be in when your emotions are
balanced and controlled, and you are
thinking clearly and reacting rationally.
this teaching has helped us through the years a lot can be used for more then just emotion too.
so it resonate with us a lot. also within the levels you was talking about that to resonate with us a lot too. some ask would you change things in your past. we came to say no as the past things are what have made us who we be. so to change anything would change who we be.
What are some internal dialogue changes you can make?
we changed a lot of them over the years. still working on some.
one big one is that we say at times others had it worst then us. but we trying to change that one to everyone has hard times even very hard times but to each they are painful times emotionally painful. pain is pain so everyone pain important so we say it ok to ask for support to be listened to. as we no different then others who have faced emotional pain.
we also will at times dismiss our self like we say that no big deal it just happened life goes on. we changing that to yes it was a big deal and life goes on but we need to work on healing even that too.
we say them the two big ones right now we working on
@stormieandpaws a lot of wisdom here! and I like the window of tolerance idea. It reminds me of the wise mind concept that is common in DBT.
@GlenM
yes some use it within CBT that is a lot like DBT. we done both of them the counselor we had online use CBT a lot. he used it with each alter. so we used many tools through the years. we have a set of pdf book lessons that we bought online some time ago. plus we have a christian book that uses the river one. for use each helpful thing in healing a tool. more tools in ones mental health toolbox the better too.
@GlenM
I believe about the same is said in buddhism. We have to let go of negative thoughts and embrace an optimistic view. We havve to learn to catch those negative thoughts when they arise. Meditation can be a useful tool
@Hans7cups well said Hans! Yes, I think differentiating b/n the observing/witnessing self and the experiencing self is key here. Meditation helps that. And the letting go of all the fears, concerns, pain too.
@GlenM
Hi Glen! 😊 ❤️
Thank you again for another beautifully written and thought provoking forum post! ❤️ I really love how this is a bit of a spin off of the first one about the way of the river and the first one I really liked and has been in my thoughts.
And one day the traveler rested. They pulled the kayak out of the water and sat on the bank of the river. They were peaceful and calm and considered many things. Such a bad kayak maybe? Should I get a new one? Nope, that's not the problem. A kayak is a kayak.
Could it be the wrong river? You know, there are many of them to choose from. Well, a river is simply a river and with many similarities. Not the rivers fault either I guess. A river is a river.
Maybe when you have been a kayaker your entire life, you don't know anything else, but to be that. This is your identity. These are the things that you tell yourself each day, the things others have told you and you see everything from a kayakers perspective. The harder you push on the world the harder it pushes back on you. You fight the current, you dodge the rocks, fallen trees and you get a lot of bumps and bruises along the way. Exhaustion.
The power of true transformation occurs when the traveler decides ..... I am the water. You let go of the kayak, it's only holding you back. You take everything off and get down to wearing nothing at all. You aren't a kayaker after all and you aren't the river either. You are simply water. You dive right in and your journey looks vastly different.
Water flows. Water meets rock, flows over rock, flows left of rock and flows to the right. No punch punch through rock, just flows. Goodbye silly rock as you are fixed in place, stubborn and static.
Water meets weak trees and branches that have fallen. Water flows over and under. Goodbye silly tree. You are weak and won't impede my process.
You become a part of the current instead of fighting it and you give life to little sweet creatures along the way. Hello sunshine, hello fishy fish, hello little beaver, hello little people on the bank swinging from that rope to jump in and take the plunge and finding a bit of joy in life.
Loss of the ego, just basic, simple, pure, just water, no struggle. Let them do it. Whatever they want. Let go and let rocks be rocks. Let weak fallen trees be weak trees. Let the river be the river. With acceptance comes peace. ❤️
*high fives* 😊 and *hugs* ❤️
@SparkyGizmo spot on Sparky! You brought this to the next level. Self-transcendence - becoming one with the River is the highest state of flow. I think what likely happens - and I could be wrong on this - is that as we grow we lose more and more of our ego (become more and more a part of the water). Then, when we are triggered, we pop back into the kayak until we can learn the lesson, and correspondingly lose the ego to once enjoy being a part of the river again.
Thank you for sharing your very astute points! They reminded me of the Lao Tzu quote below:
“Water is fluid, soft, and yielding. But water will wear away rock, which is rigid and cannot yield. As a rule, whatever is fluid, soft, and yielding will overcome whatever is rigid and hard. This is another paradox: what is soft is strong.”
―
@GlenM
❤️❤️❤️
@GlenM this is very helpful! thank you!
