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How come it is hard not to look for the ex's good qualities from a potential new partner?

10 Answers
Last Updated: 06/12/2018 at 10:54pm
1 Tip to Feel Better
Canada
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Lianne Kirby, MA in Counselling Psychology

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I believe everyone should have the opportunity for their voice to be heard. I use a trauma informed, person centred approach in counselling.

Top Rated Answers
summersunset02
July 14th, 2015 6:39pm
Human beings make decisions based off of what we know, so you are definitely going to look for your ex's good qualities in a new partner by default. It doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing as long as you're focusing on whether or not this potential partner is a good fit for you and not just a replica of your ex!
Anonymous
May 5th, 2015 5:56am
Often, I feel we attempt to relate our past experiences and associated good memories to our new potential partner, and we compare them to one another to see if he/she can measure up to our past love. We don't want to be hurt again, and we want to see if the things we liked in one person are carried by another with even more good qualities that will make the relationship last.
Anonymous
June 9th, 2015 11:08pm
Looking for qualities of an ex in a potential new partner can doom the relationship. If you meet someone new, you have the chance to learn about new qualities, ones you may have never even experienced before. Don't look for old qualities in a new person. You'd be doing yourself and the new partner a major injustice.
NDS369
July 10th, 2015 8:30am
Because after a long term comfortable relationship break up we become so used to it that we look for the same qualities in addition to new better ones in a potential new partner.
kindheartedSunshine88
November 2nd, 2015 3:43pm
It's in human nature – benevolence. We try to help others and don't consider if there is anyone around us to judge our actions. There is no such thing as love at first sight. One falls in love with every person around him little by little bit. We always try to justify our actions too. One who is in love often questions himself/herself "what made them fall in love and we often search in actions of other to know their good qualities... looks may be or may not be on radar. Pain is never a welcome feeling but after breakups.... we encounter that, and as long as there is pain, we feel that we haven't overcome our previous relationship, and we try extra hard to proove otherwise and to run away. Thus, here comes the problem with speed... we unconsciously retrace the path which made us fall in love with our ex to speed up the " falling in love" process and thus its is hard not to often look in ex's good qualities in a potential partner.
Anonymous
December 22nd, 2015 12:36am
Human beings make decisions based off of what we know, so you are definitely going to look for your ex's good qualities in a new partner by default. It doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing as long as you're focusing on whether or not this potential partner is a good fit for you and not just a replica of your ex!
AliciaJ
February 23rd, 2016 6:43am
Because from your previous relationship, you've known better about yourself and about what you love. It's common to look for those good qualities in a new partner, and it's perfectly fine too. Just don't expect your new partner to have ALL the good qualities -- everyone is unique and you should love your new partner for who they are, not as a shadow of your ex.
Greatlistener87
August 1st, 2016 2:30am
Thats because you have set your ex as a benchmark. If your ex was good and you want to date a person like that again then thats fine. But if you are looking for a different type of relationship then its best to start from scratch and not put ur ex as a benchmark.
BlindFaith
October 16th, 2017 1:10pm
When people are still stuck in their previous relationship, they can't see that other people are individuals. They want to think that the previous person can only have the best. However once the person accept that they have closed the previous chapter and learn from that lesson, they will start to move forward, grow, and appreciate new relationships and people.
SolarSpark
June 12th, 2018 10:54pm
It's hard not to look for the ex's good qualities when looking into a potential new partner because you might tend to remember the good things about your old partner, and if your new partner has those qualities, then you might also associate that person with the bad qualities of your ex. It's a difficult thing to try to learn a whole new person and it might be challenging, but exposing yourself to a different personality might be a learning step for you in a better direction.