Skip to main content Skip to bottom nav

Can or should I ask my significant other to stop talking and to not associate with his ex? If so, how?

204 Answers
Last Updated: 12/08/2021 at 5:33pm
1 Tip to Feel Better
United States
Moderated by

Jessica McDaniel, LPC, LCPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

I have been practicing cognitive behavioral psychotherapy since 2007 with a diverse group of adult clients with various diagnoses, all races, and socioeconomic classes.

Top Rated Answers
February 2nd, 2018 5:45pm
If it's making you uncomfortable with it then yes, of course. Never put yourself in a position where you may not be happy just so someone else can be. If he has a problem with how you feel then ask yourself how much he really respects you.
July 29th, 2016 9:33am
That isn't for you to decide because it's his choice and freedom if he wants to talk with his ex or not. All you can do is be supporting and understanding and to be patient.
August 10th, 2016 5:42pm
Yes ! You should definitely talk to them about it , the person is an EX for a reason meaning its EXpired and if your partner is not willing to stop associating with the ex they probably still have a little feelings for the them.
August 13th, 2016 10:00am
I think it depends on your motive for asking. Are you asking out of insecurity or are you asking because your significant other is behaving inappropriately with his ex? I don't believe there is black-and-white answer for this - some exes can remain good friends after they break up, some cannot, and some continue being more than just friends. You really have to look at the behaviour and intentions of everyone involved.
June 22nd, 2017 12:38am
You should have a talk with them let them know but ONLY if it bothers you not because you're jealous or have trust issues.
November 15th, 2017 8:49pm
So I'm in this situation. I'm not comfortable at all but my partner tells me he wants to gently remove her from his life because she has a mental health issue and does not want push her further. I agreed with this until I found out one of 2 things recently. 1. She wants him back after a year. She constantly checks to see if he and I are happy. Constantly messages to ask if he's ok because 'she felt a vibe' and is using social media to get his attention. And 2. We were looking at a business and he informed me he would have to check with her to see what she thought. If she thought yes then we could if she thought no then we would not. That's my boundary. Absolutely not will I tolerate that. I knew a while ago that this contact was not going to end well but stayed because I believed his initial reasoning. Absolutely not does anyone have the right to tell someone they can't be friends with another person. But if your reasons for that are valid and not just out of jealousy then you have the absolute right to decide not to be ok with that and leave. If you're honest with your reasons and your partner can see it hurts you then he/she should take that in to consideration. You should always be the priority to your partner, not the ex and if you're not then it's on you to decide whether you stay or go.
January 6th, 2017 3:00pm
If you are in a serious relationship (engagement, marriage) then yes you can ask for that. Such a serious relationship should be built on love and trust, either of you should be willing to do anything and give up anything, for the other. You on the other hand also have a responsibility to understand the actions of the other and assess whether it really is bad or no.
June 14th, 2018 3:28am
If your partner has no children or shared business with their ex, you should ask that they close the door of the past and stay here in the present. Sometimes your significant other has unresolved feelings about their prior relationshiops. In this case, your partner should be actively involved in working through their issues with a therapist, mentor, or trusted spiritual-advisor. If not, unresolved emotional baggage may be affecting their present life in undesirable ways.
July 14th, 2016 9:06pm
Yes, you CAN ask them not to associate with their ex, but there is a difference between asking and demanding. Let your significant other know that it bothers you and why. It really depends on how you go about it. If you lean towards forcing them not to talk with their ex, then it shows that you do not trust your partner and may only lead to further disputes between the two of you. It should be up to them if they stop talking, and if it TRULY bothers you, then hopefully they will respect your wishes, but at the same time it's unreasonable to expect people to completely cut off ties with people because we want them to. If the relationship with the ex seems a little too "close", then maybe just share your concerns. If not, then your partner may just take it as you not trusting them.
January 21st, 2018 2:25am
When in a relationship it's a good idea, early on, to establish "boundaries": what's expected from each other, what are the no-no(s), what's preferred, and what should be limited to the minimum. Dating is about getting to know someone, getting to know ourselves, and see if this someone and this relationship is something we want for longer time; therefore a good relationship is between 2 compatible and like-minded people. If there are behaviors/needs that one has and are not compatible with the other.. it's a sign of incompatibility. Small issues can be negotiated or overlooked, larger issues... are a clear sign that the relationship is not meant to be (for the long term). Best to get things out in the open, clear and unequivocally early on, than leave things unsaid that, sooner or later, will come up with disastrous effects.
July 15th, 2016 2:26am
yes you can tell ur partner to stop connecting too much with his ex, but u will need to explain to your partner as to why u would want him to do so. Let your partner know why u think so and how it makes u feel.
July 16th, 2016 4:15am
if you are uncomfortable or feel that the relationship could be jeopardized in any way, you have the right to ask them. Tell them you feel uncomfortable and if they love you, they will understand.
April 14th, 2018 3:49pm
Once I had a boyfriend who didn't allow me to keep in touch with my ex (with whom I have a very good friend relationship), but I never told him to stop talking to his former girlfriends. I would say that, unless your significant other's ex had a very toxic behavior, you shouldn't ask him/her to end a healthy friendship with his/her ex
July 30th, 2016 6:58pm
Tell them you love them a lot and you love them so much it makes you jealous to see them talking to their old girldriend/boyfriend and you want them to be devoted to you. Say it in a cute sexy way. Or just tell them upfront about it showing your sincere feelings.
May 26th, 2018 8:13pm
Before you make any decision, talk to your partner about how this makes you feel and discuss it from there. What are your reasons for not being ok with it? How exactly do you feel? Make sure you have the answers beforehand. He may become cross so make sure to do it in a way where you are both calm, sit him down and talk calmly. Instead of saying 'dont talk to your ex' try 'when you speak to your ex i feel .........'
July 22nd, 2016 2:02pm
What you want to say to your partner is ultimately upto yourself, however if they broke up in friendly terms they may want to continue a friendship.
November 18th, 2016 6:55pm
You most certainly can if your partner has an ex that is still in their life and it makes you uncomfortable. Yes, they can be friends with their ex but ask yourself what it is that makes you uncomfortable about their continued association. If there are extenuating circumstances, such as illness or they are in some sort of trouble then it might be that they get in touch and in some cases that can be reasonable. But If you feel they are constantly flashing up on your partners phone, just for a chat or whatever, ask them why they think it's ok that they do this. And be clear about why you feel uncomfortable. If your partners ex is breaching the boundaries of your relationship then they are disrespecting you and your partner is also, in allowing this. Don't feel shy about a situation which would make most people unhappy and be clear with your partner about how this makes you feel. But it's also worth reminding yourself that just because you feel uncomfortable in this situation that doesn't automatically make you a crazy jealous person. If you can respect someone else's relationship then your should be respected in return.
April 8th, 2018 9:54am
That's so hard to tell. I think you have to find the root. Maybe your partner has an emotional problem with that, like hidden or unshown emotions, or unsolved issues, like being abused by his/her ex. I mean you can't fight him/her at first, maybe there is another solution to this. But be careful, if there are any significant pieces of evidence that she/he is going to cheat on you, dump you, or she has serious feelings for her/his ex. I can explain this more if it's needed. Take care...
August 12th, 2016 6:26pm
You can ask and depending on him/hers reaction take it from there,it could mean that the person is not over his or her ex yet but just dont be agressive over it
August 25th, 2016 4:37am
it depends , if you think that there might be even the slightest danger in their connection you should tell him that it bothers and he should stop .
May 5th, 2017 11:15pm
I always like it to talk about these things openly. Don't expect him to stop talking or to associate with his ex, but talk to him about how you feel about his relationship with his ex. Ask questions that you might have and try to decide on what to do together. If he listens, acknowledge this and thank him for thinking with you, even if it is the most decent thing to do.
February 16th, 2018 12:10am
Communication is key to every relationship. If it makes you uncomfortable yes you need to tell your significant other that it bothers you. It should be when its quite and then ask can you talk to them.
May 20th, 2018 11:31am
Confront them about it and state that it's making you quite uncomfortable, then politely ask them to stop.
July 16th, 2016 12:49am
I think it depends on how long ago this ex was. If this was 10 years ago and they chat sometimes, it's probably okay. People can still be friends and not have feelings for each other. You can ask him to not associate with her. Just let him know how you feel about it and see how he reacts.
April 16th, 2017 11:40am
Yes. You can ask that to your significant other. BUT. You can do it in non judgmental way, You can if why is he/she talking with his/her ex. Tell him/her what you feel about it (her/him talking to his/her ex). How? There are different ways. If you think you cannot do it in a verbal manner and could mess things up then you could write it. Make sure you must give the letter haha
July 15th, 2016 1:55am
I would have a talk with him in a calm setting, and explain how it makes you feel. Unfortunately we cannot control others' actions, and there is not a guaranteed method to prevent our significant others from talking to certain people. But like the other person said, if he cares and loves you, he will let you know that there is nothing to worry about. Trust comes with time:)
March 28th, 2018 8:48am
Yes as long as its done in the correct manner speak calmy to your partner make them understand where your coming from
December 3rd, 2020 8:14pm
Look you should confront to them and ask them to be honest with you . Maybe your insecurities are making you feel not worthy and that's why you are scared your partner will leave . Remember they were your partner's past you are their present . So do confront them about your feelings but you can't force people to act like you want so be confident in yourself . Never forget you are important and loved ❤️. Don't hide or bottle up your emotions from people cuz they will make you feel bad and try to work on your relationship and if you feel you are the only one putting efforts then they are not worth it for you . In conclusion I will say that do confront them and believe in yourself ✨❤️
July 20th, 2016 2:35pm
If you feel like it is affecting you then yes. Just be calm and reasonable. Have a couple of hours for yourselves and talk about it. Explain how talking to their ex makes you feel and make them see you are not being jealous, but asking for consideration. If your partner was a friend with their ex before they started dating, this might be a reason. Just talk it through. Good luck x
January 19th, 2018 12:33am
Just speak out about this clearly with your significant other as this might destroy your relationship.