Why do i keep feeling like the domestic abuse that happened to my mother was my fault?

It is easy to lay claim to something bad that happened to someone close to you if you are feeling guilty about something similar in the past.

Having been in the same situation, I can totally relate. Many factors of the situation can cause a victim or witness to feel like it was their fault, or like they could have changed it. The tough truth is that you probably couldn't have. You need to know it's not your fault, and not your mother's either. It is completely upon the shoulders of the abuser. They made a choice to abuse someone, but nobody chooses to be abused or have a loved one be abused. It is difficult, but you need to know you are not at fault in any way.

It´s very common for children to feel that they have some sort of control over the situation at home. Feeling guilty gives you a pseudo-control, it´s so to speak a way of self-soothing the feeling of total terror when you would realize that you had no control whatsoever (and therefore not fault) in it.

It is possible you feel responsible because children have a protective instinct over their parents just like a parent has for their child. You might feel as if you could have done something to protect something or stop something. To be truthful, there was most likely nothing you could do especially as a child other than support your mother. You could also feel guilty because our society tells us that certain genders are suppose to display certain characteristics and actions. For instance, if you are a male you may feel that you were suppose to be the protector, the warrior. But, as a child all you were meant to do was be the child. Unfortunately, you may feel guilty about the domestic abuse but your mother probably also feels guilty for not being able to shield you from it. Please know that the abuse is no one's fault, not your mothers and not yours. Support your mother, be open about the situation, and stay strong. I would also like to congratulate you on being brave enough to come to 7cups and seek help. Hope this helps! xx

It was not your fault. You only feel this way because you and your mother are obviously close, and when someone close to you gets hurt, you feel it too, and you blame yourself for it. I, also, have been in this position before so i can 100% tell you that it isn't. If there isn't already someone to talk to about your feelings i strongly advise it. If the domestic abuse is still happening, and you live in the UK call 0808 2000 247 0808 2000 247 or email helpline@womensaid.org.uk

Age is a varying factor, we feel quilt of things that are out of our control. And beat ourselves up because of it

Often, people can feel that domestic abuse between their parents or involving one of their parents, can feel as though it's their fault because there was nothing you could do about it to help them. You are in no way responsible unless you were the person hurting the victim!

Sometimes we take upon us guilt that it is not us to carry. Children often feel like they are responsible to the bad things that happened in their parents life.

First of all, know that is not your fault and you did not contribute to it. It was the choice of the abuser to carry out this act of abuse, whatever you have said or done would not have much difference because the abuser was already in the state or mind set of carrying out the abuse. Your feeling of helplessness for not being able to help your mother was probably the beginning of how you started blaming yourself. Over the time feeling of embarrassment for witnessing the abuse , feeling guilty for not being in a position to stop it and the sheer trauma of seeing the abuse over and over would have reinforce the feeling of being at fault. More so if your mother have said that she is tolerating the abuse for the sake of the children, for the sake of keeping the family together. if your mother has said that , please bear in mind, your mother had her reasons and she was an adult who made that choice.