My father is having an extramarital affair. Part of me wants to end my relationship with him for cheating on my mom, but i worry that he will be depressed as he loves me a lot. How do I deal with this situation?

137 Answers
Last Updated: 05/23/2019 at 11:25pm
1 Tip to Feel Better
United States
Moderated by

Jamie Sclafani , LMSW

Clinical Social Work/Therapist

I have an holistic approach to therapy. There is definitely not a "one size fits all" solution. Each person is unique, as is their situation.

Top Rated Answers
Greatlistener87
July 15th, 2016 2:27am
You can make it clear to him that u do not encourage what he did to your mum, but as his child you will respect his decision and be happy for him.
Anonymous
July 17th, 2016 4:08am
Discuss the situation with, find a way to make peace, simply picking up your things and leaving may not help your anger. You deserve an explanation and there is not harm in seeking one.
ItCanGetBetter007
August 7th, 2016 7:45am
If your mother does not know about this, the best thing to do is talk to your father. Let him know your feelings, let him explain to you what and why he did what he did. Although cheating is never right, there are always two sides to the story. I have dealt with this problem with my own parents, so I understand your feelings.
Anonymous
July 17th, 2016 12:02pm
It's is a difficult turn for your family but nobody cheats for the joy of it. There is an underlying issue. Good luck to your family.
Anonymous
August 5th, 2016 6:48pm
If you love your father you should and end your relationship because one day you will regret it as I know from personal experience. The father will not be depressed with you he may be upset but he will understand where you're coming from
JadeLC
August 26th, 2016 4:40am
I think this situation is extremely personal to the individual! I may not know what you're relationship is like with your father, but if his decisions are putting you and your relationship with him in an awkward or uncomfortable place then I think it's worth talking about. If you need to discuss - be it with a close friend or other family member first that you trust in order to feel it out, go for it! But he's your father, and you deserve to feel at peace with your relationship with him. I personally hate confronting people but force myself to do it when I know it means it opens up room for growth and development.
fantasticDreamer20
August 6th, 2016 3:00pm
Hey there, personally I think that you should speak to your dad about how you feel about this situation. As you have mentioned your dad does love you a lot, therefore he should understand how you are feeling and take them feelings into account. You may also sit both of your parents down and talk to them about it... after you speak to your dad of course. Maybe they are unhappy together or something is lacking in their relationship and they can't just figure out what to do on their own. You may be the one able to help.
Anonymous
July 21st, 2016 2:39am
Do what you think is best for you. Your father did what he thought was best for him. He is an adult. You are a mature individual wth your own boundaries. Do not let him cross them. He loves you a lot, but he chose to have the affair. For whatever reason. Maybe you need to find out the reason before you decide to go cold turkey. You can give him a chance if he is willing to change. Take your time,
XsetarehX
August 27th, 2016 8:46pm
Follow your heart. Cheating is very wrong in every situation. your father should of thought about the consequences when he decided to have an affair.
peterc
June 7th, 2017 10:44pm
This is hard; they are your parents after all. So easy to choose sides. But your relationship with your dad and with your mom is separate from their relationship with each other. You can love them both without having to step in and take responsibility for their decisions, or their lack of responsibility. If you feel yourself moving to judgment, try saying inside yourself: "this is not a situation I need to judge because I am not the owner. I can support without having to judge ultimate rights and wrongs here."
Laks1
July 16th, 2016 2:42pm
Have a chat with him and tell him how you feel about his actions. He loves you alot and would be willing to change
LexaLexy
October 20th, 2017 2:54am
You can take your father's feelings into consideration, but at the end of the day, you have to think about yourself and what's best for you. I know it can feel like you're being selfish, but in this situation, it would be considered self-care.
Anonymous
June 3rd, 2018 5:26am
Tell him how you feel and how he hurt you and your mom. Tell him that you love him but what he did was wrong. You may be able to forgive him in the future, but you will never forget. Take some time away and give yourself a chance to process this. You have a right to feel what you feel. Good luck!
Anonymous
July 16th, 2016 12:25pm
I've been told a thousand times that the things that happen between your parents are none of your business and you shouldn't get into it or resent your family, but it's sometimes really hard to get past this. I would advise you not to end your relationship with him as you might end up regretting it; maybe talking things out with your, or your mom if she's heard about the affair, could be the best way for you to ease your mind a little.
jovialMermaid84
July 17th, 2016 7:00am
It always takes time to heal from being hurt. Take the time you need, separate yourself if it will help you heal. Ultimately, forgiveness and love will be cause the least suffering for you, your father and everyone involved.
Anonymous
August 7th, 2016 5:56am
I feel that any situation with an affair is unfair in everyones life. I think you should talk to him and ask him what he really wants.
Anonymous
August 7th, 2016 6:36pm
It's good that you care about your mom that much. Talking to your father would be good step to start processing the situation.
Arte421
August 18th, 2016 5:53am
Speak to your father about his actions. Let him know how it makes you feel, and that it makes you want to possibly cut him out. Try to understand why he is having an affair, and if your mother knows about it. It may seem out there, but your parents could have an open relationship, or- not be that happy together. I grew up with my parents separated, though not divorced, since I was five. My mother was having several affairs, and my father had one around the time they broke up. Sometimes having an affair can cause less conflict in the household, as long as both partners are aware of it.
Naicoro
August 25th, 2016 4:36am
you can confront about how you truly feel and show that he already have a loving family and what he is doing is wrong and would ruin the family he created .
muhammeds20
September 1st, 2016 8:39am
sereneWriting55
November 19th, 2016 6:50pm
That's so hard. I am sorry. Your Dad will always be your Dad, and as much as it must hurt to see your mom hurt, you can't protect her from any of that. You can not like how your dad is behaving but still love your dad. The good news is you don't have to make any decisions today.
juhirashOA
November 22nd, 2017 11:45am
What the father did is wrong, no doubt about that. But this is something that is between the husband and the wife. Of course, one is bound to feel horrible because a parent just betrayed you and broke the family. Yet, If he has been a good father so far, dont entirely shun him. Take your time, no one says you are obliged forgive, forget and move on. However, a man who failed at being a good partner is not necessarily a bad parent. We must remember that everyone has there weaknesses. Even parents. Also, their is a lot to a story than what meets the eye. The ultimate solution is to be patient. The blame game never got anybody anywhere.
NumberEleven
July 15th, 2016 6:34pm
Try to think both rationally and emotionally. Although you know about this situation, it's not necessarily your responsibility to fix it. Talk to your dad about it, from an adult to another adult and perhaps try to see things from his point of view.
Darcee
July 22nd, 2016 4:39am
It's rarely wise to insinuate oneself into another's private, intimate relationship. Your parent's privacy should be respected in this situation. Your mother may well know of your father's affair. Your best course is to remain loving towards both parents, and accepting of them as human beings, capable of doing both good and less than, in their lives. It is their marriage, and only the two of them understand the intricacies of their union. Love them in spite of their flaws, and refrain from judgment.
Anonymous
August 5th, 2016 5:24pm
It's undeniably a tough situation to go through, however, I believe that you should still issue it. It would not be a wise choice to end your relationship with you father because technically your parents marriage is not something that directly concerns you. The best way to tackle this situation is to talk it out with your father and ask him to tell your mother about his extramarital affair so they can sort it out the way they find most comfortable. Ending your relationship with a member of your family is never easy and it's probably something that you would end up regretting sooner or later. You should forgive your father for hurting your mother and it should not affect your relationship with him since he's surely a good father and he definitely loves you a lot. The fights and problematic issues they might have should not come between you three, they should not have a negative impact on your relationship with your parents.
Anonymous
August 7th, 2016 10:59pm
Cutting your dad out of your life will only hurt you both. He same thing happened to me awhile ago and I cut him out completely and it ended awful. He became needy depressed and ended up breaking up with the woman he cheated my mom on with out of guilt. If your mom knows he probably lives with the guilt every day and what he did is not acceptable and though your loyalty to your mom is comendable it's their war not yours. Tell him how you feel but don't lose him over a mistake no matter how big.
Anonymous
September 2nd, 2016 2:39am
My father in law had a extra marital affair and my wife been though exactly the same thing. She told me that her father was never in a happy relationship with her mom for over 20 years and she saw the misery in him being with her. However despite what he did, she still maintains great contact with him and came to forgive and understand. I believe it is important to understand what circumstance that made him cheat on your mother and propelled him to risk his relationship with his kids. Evidently he loves you very much but perhaps he had troubles with your mother for awhile, perhaps it was due to lust. Your relation is between you and your father only and not between him, you, and your mother. The weight of valuation on your current relation versus the outcome of burning bridges must be thought out clearly.
BriellaMay
September 4th, 2016 4:12pm
Although it truly sucks that he would do that to your mom it is just that something he did do your mom not you. His non parental activities aren't a reflection on his love and care for you.
SurvivingPheonix
September 4th, 2016 9:28pm
I know it's traumatizing, but the relationship between your parents are their business, not ours. I'm sorry, I know it feels that there's always something you could do about it, but in my experience, I know that their marital mistakes should be limited within their relationship, while your relationship with them should remain your responsibility. Trust me, sometimes that alone can fix things.
Countrygal92
September 7th, 2016 1:10am
This is an extremely difficult situation. I prefer to base my relationship with people on my own interactions with them. It is possible to love a person and carry out a relationship with someone while not agreeing with all of the choices they make. You need to decide if this is an option for you.