My father is having an extramarital affair. Part of me wants to end my relationship with him for cheating on my mom, but i worry that he will be depressed as he loves me a lot. How do I deal with this situation?
Last Updated: 01/27/2021 at 6:28pm
Tracy-Kate Teleke, M.A., LMFT
Marriage & Family Therapist
I assist adults and couples in CA experiencing relationship challenges and interpersonal struggles including anxiety, depression, and a myriad of other life challenges.
Top Rated Answers
You can make it clear to him that u do not encourage what he did to your mum, but as his child you will respect his decision and be happy for him.
Discuss the situation with, find a way to make peace, simply picking up your things and leaving may not help your anger. You deserve an explanation and there is not harm in seeking one.
If your mother does not know about this, the best thing to do is talk to your father. Let him know your feelings, let him explain to you what and why he did what he did. Although cheating is never right, there are always two sides to the story. I have dealt with this problem with my own parents, so I understand your feelings.
If you love your father you should and end your relationship because one day you will regret it as I know from personal experience. The father will not be depressed with you he may be upset but he will understand where you're coming from
I think this situation is extremely personal to the individual! I may not know what you're relationship is like with your father, but if his decisions are putting you and your relationship with him in an awkward or uncomfortable place then I think it's worth talking about. If you need to discuss - be it with a close friend or other family member first that you trust in order to feel it out, go for it! But he's your father, and you deserve to feel at peace with your relationship with him. I personally hate confronting people but force myself to do it when I know it means it opens up room for growth and development.
It's is a difficult turn for your family but nobody cheats for the joy of it. There is an underlying issue. Good luck to your family.
Do what you think is best for you. Your father did what he thought was best for him. He is an adult. You are a mature individual wth your own boundaries. Do not let him cross them. He loves you a lot, but he chose to have the affair. For whatever reason. Maybe you need to find out the reason before you decide to go cold turkey. You can give him a chance if he is willing to change. Take your time,
Follow your heart. Cheating is very wrong in every situation. your father should of thought about the consequences when he decided to have an affair.
You can take your father's feelings into consideration, but at the end of the day, you have to think about yourself and what's best for you. I know it can feel like you're being selfish, but in this situation, it would be considered self-care.
Hey there, personally I think that you should speak to your dad about how you feel about this situation. As you have mentioned your dad does love you a lot, therefore he should understand how you are feeling and take them feelings into account. You may also sit both of your parents down and talk to them about it... after you speak to your dad of course. Maybe they are unhappy together or something is lacking in their relationship and they can't just figure out what to do on their own. You may be the one able to help.
This is hard; they are your parents after all. So easy to choose sides. But your relationship with your dad and with your mom is separate from their relationship with each other. You can love them both without having to step in and take responsibility for their decisions, or their lack of responsibility. If you feel yourself moving to judgment, try saying inside yourself: "this is not a situation I need to judge because I am not the owner. I can support without having to judge ultimate rights and wrongs here."
My father in law had a extra marital affair and my wife been though exactly the same thing. She told me that her father was never in a happy relationship with her mom for over 20 years and she saw the misery in him being with her. However despite what he did, she still maintains great contact with him and came to forgive and understand. I believe it is important to understand what circumstance that made him cheat on your mother and propelled him to risk his relationship with his kids. Evidently he loves you very much but perhaps he had troubles with your mother for awhile, perhaps it was due to lust. Your relation is between you and your father only and not between him, you, and your mother. The weight of valuation on your current relation versus the outcome of burning bridges must be thought out clearly.
Tell him how you feel and how he hurt you and your mom. Tell him that you love him but what he did was wrong. You may be able to forgive him in the future, but you will never forget. Take some time away and give yourself a chance to process this. You have a right to feel what you feel. Good luck!
Have a chat with him and tell him how you feel about his actions. He loves you alot and would be willing to change
you can confront about how you truly feel and show that he already have a loving family and what he is doing is wrong and would ruin the family he created .
This is an extremely difficult situation. I prefer to base my relationship with people on my own interactions with them. It is possible to love a person and carry out a relationship with someone while not agreeing with all of the choices they make. You need to decide if this is an option for you.
What the father did is wrong, no doubt about that. But this is something that is between the husband and the wife. Of course, one is bound to feel horrible because a parent just betrayed you and broke the family. Yet, If he has been a good father so far, dont entirely shun him. Take your time, no one says you are obliged forgive, forget and move on. However, a man who failed at being a good partner is not necessarily a bad parent. We must remember that everyone has there weaknesses. Even parents. Also, their is a lot to a story than what meets the eye. The ultimate solution is to be patient. The blame game never got anybody anywhere.
The nature of your question shows a strong moral compass, maturity, and consideration for others. You are right to be concerned. It is considerate to think about your father's feelings, but at the same time you have to consider whether he loves you enough to allow you to express your true opinions to him. If you would like to speak with him about this topic without intervening on the behavior you disapprove of, you will need to arrange a time and place where you can communicate with him away from your mother. It is important to communicate in a non-threatening and non-judgmental way so as to ensure your father is comfortable sharing things with you. An important key phrase is "When you __, I feel __." That way, you keep the focus on his behaviors rather than conveying an inherent judgment of his character or identity. I hope you can talk to your father in a way that you feel heard. I know this must be difficult for you to deal with. Ultimately, his behaviors are his choice and his alone, and even if you do not approve of his behaviors, I hope you can maintain a sense of closeness with your father, as the parent-child bond is a key contributor to one's emotional well-being. Best of luck.
I'm sure you love your father a lot and so does he..however imagine yourself in your mother's shoes, wouldn't you feel even worse if your daughter doesn't tell you about the affair and does nothing at all? Being disloyal in a relationship is the worst thing ever.. relationship without loyalty and trust is nothing. I know it'll be really difficult for you to confront this situation therefore I wish you all the strength. You don't have to completely cut ties with your father however let him know how much damage he has inflicted on your relationship by having the affair.
Try to think both rationally and emotionally. Although you know about this situation, it's not necessarily your responsibility to fix it. Talk to your dad about it, from an adult to another adult and perhaps try to see things from his point of view.
I've been told a thousand times that the things that happen between your parents are none of your business and you shouldn't get into it or resent your family, but it's sometimes really hard to get past this. I would advise you not to end your relationship with him as you might end up regretting it; maybe talking things out with your, or your mom if she's heard about the affair, could be the best way for you to ease your mind a little.
It always takes time to heal from being hurt. Take the time you need, separate yourself if it will help you heal. Ultimately, forgiveness and love will be cause the least suffering for you, your father and everyone involved.
It's undeniably a tough situation to go through, however, I believe that you should still issue it. It would not be a wise choice to end your relationship with you father because technically your parents marriage is not something that directly concerns you. The best way to tackle this situation is to talk it out with your father and ask him to tell your mother about his extramarital affair so they can sort it out the way they find most comfortable. Ending your relationship with a member of your family is never easy and it's probably something that you would end up regretting sooner or later. You should forgive your father for hurting your mother and it should not affect your relationship with him since he's surely a good father and he definitely loves you a lot. The fights and problematic issues they might have should not come between you three, they should not have a negative impact on your relationship with your parents.
I feel that any situation with an affair is unfair in everyones life. I think you should talk to him and ask him what he really wants.
It's good that you care about your mom that much. Talking to your father would be good step to start processing the situation.
Speak to your father about his actions. Let him know how it makes you feel, and that it makes you want to possibly cut him out. Try to understand why he is having an affair, and if your mother knows about it. It may seem out there, but your parents could have an open relationship, or- not be that happy together. I grew up with my parents separated, though not divorced, since I was five. My mother was having several affairs, and my father had one around the time they broke up. Sometimes having an affair can cause less conflict in the household, as long as both partners are aware of it.
That's so hard. I am sorry. Your Dad will always be your Dad, and as much as it must hurt to see your mom hurt, you can't protect her from any of that. You can not like how your dad is behaving but still love your dad. The good news is you don't have to make any decisions today.
If you feel you need to do it for yourself then do it. He knows what he did and later on he will regret. After this initial thing has gone by maybe later on you two can rebuild your relationship
This has got to be one of the most difficult questions i’ve answered. When I was young, my father had us meet his sancha (the other woman), and it was so uncomfortable. We forgave him and moved forward, when all that concluded. I was too young to really understand what was happening, and no one talked about it with me, I just knew it felt wrong. If I found out as I got older, I don’t know how I’d feel about it. I think I’d moreso focus on my mom and build her self-esteem, encouraging her to remember her own beauty and empowerment... more than how I’d ‘punish’ my dad. Humans make mistakes, and humans can be so inconsiderate and hurtful- but focusing on those impacted by their disrespect, can help them rise again- and when you see them happy and thriving, the hurt you feel by what happened may dissipate. But truly, it’s up to you. What feels right to you. All actions have consequences, and how you choose to move forward are his, and soon, there’ll be consequences for yours too. That’s life, and there are no wrong decisions in life. Every decision has a consequence, and they impact our future. This is why it’s important to follow our intuition, and not our anxieties. This is honestly a very tough case, and I hope you take time to yourself to mend and process what happened/is happening. ♡ I encourage you to each out for support as often as you need it, love. TC
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