Skip to main content Skip to bottom nav

Why do i keep feeling like the domestic abuse that happened to my mother was my fault?

8 Answers
Last Updated: 07/09/2018 at 10:53am
1 Tip to Feel Better
United States
Moderated by

Jannise McKamey-Bruell, LAPC

Counselor

I am a nonjudgmental counselor that employs transparency, trust, honesty and integrity in her practice and in the therapeutic relationship.

Top Rated Answers
Anonymous
April 7th, 2015 2:14pm
It is easy to lay claim to something bad that happened to someone close to you if you are feeling guilty about something similar in the past.
TheInnerLight
June 15th, 2015 3:12am
Having been in the same situation, I can totally relate. Many factors of the situation can cause a victim or witness to feel like it was their fault, or like they could have changed it. The tough truth is that you probably couldn't have. You need to know it's not your fault, and not your mother's either. It is completely upon the shoulders of the abuser. They made a choice to abuse someone, but nobody chooses to be abused or have a loved one be abused. It is difficult, but you need to know you are not at fault in any way.
IntuitiveDrops
June 17th, 2015 12:57pm
It´s very common for children to feel that they have some sort of control over the situation at home. Feeling guilty gives you a pseudo-control, it´s so to speak a way of self-soothing the feeling of total terror when you would realize that you had no control whatsoever (and therefore not fault) in it.
CarpeDiemToday
June 29th, 2015 2:36pm
It is possible you feel responsible because children have a protective instinct over their parents just like a parent has for their child. You might feel as if you could have done something to protect something or stop something. To be truthful, there was most likely nothing you could do especially as a child other than support your mother. You could also feel guilty because our society tells us that certain genders are suppose to display certain characteristics and actions. For instance, if you are a male you may feel that you were suppose to be the protector, the warrior. But, as a child all you were meant to do was be the child. Unfortunately, you may feel guilty about the domestic abuse but your mother probably also feels guilty for not being able to shield you from it. Please know that the abuse is no one's fault, not your mothers and not yours. Support your mother, be open about the situation, and stay strong. I would also like to congratulate you on being brave enough to come to 7cups and seek help. Hope this helps! xx
TheOreo
October 4th, 2015 10:06am
It was not your fault. You only feel this way because you and your mother are obviously close, and when someone close to you gets hurt, you feel it too, and you blame yourself for it. I, also, have been in this position before so i can 100% tell you that it isn't. If there isn't already someone to talk to about your feelings i strongly advise it. If the domestic abuse is still happening, and you live in the UK call 0808 2000 247 0808 2000 247 or email helpline@womensaid.org.uk
OptimismIsKey9090
January 4th, 2016 3:20am
Age is a varying factor, we feel quilt of things that are out of our control. And beat ourselves up because of it
phantahna
April 12th, 2016 6:32am
Often, people can feel that domestic abuse between their parents or involving one of their parents, can feel as though it's their fault because there was nothing you could do about it to help them. You are in no way responsible unless you were the person hurting the victim!
endearingLion70
July 9th, 2018 10:53am
Sometimes we take upon us guilt that it is not us to carry. Children often feel like they are responsible to the bad things that happened in their parents life.