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Why does couples yell so much when they fight, instead of just talking quietly about the problems?

24 Answers
Last Updated: 12/06/2021 at 6:52am
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United States
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Andrea Tuck, LCPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

I tackle and discuss a multitude of social and emotional health issues. I have a belief that through empowerment and non-judgmental support clients' can thrive.

Top Rated Answers
February 25th, 2015 10:38pm
Anger makes your irrational and wild. The want to be right and dominant against their partners. This is wrong; it is important to be humble and avoid pride.
May 3rd, 2015 9:25pm
Yelling isn't by itself a problem. In fact, it may well be the case that talking quietly is not as effective as the reservedness may be holding the respective partners back from disclosing the entire issue or issues. One of the things I have always marvelled at is how the southern Europeans tend to deal with things compared to their northern European counterparts; lots of yelling/screaming/crying but then an associated calmness at having bellowed out their grievances. It is remarkable how therapeutic yelling can be!
July 7th, 2015 7:12pm
I think they yell so much if they pospone the talk for too long. The partners just build up anger but dare not mention it so when shit hits the fan it hits it hard. All the stowed away emotions get released and I suppose that's why.
April 29th, 2015 6:41am
They get emotionally invested in the fight and take the argument personally and emotionally. Meaning, it is no longer about the options.. it is about who is right.. or the morality of the options involved.. or who is virtuous or not.. or who is better.. or the finances are involved and so you have two people frightened by what could happen if they make the wrong choice and it comes out in "how dare you choose this.. don't you know what this means to our bottom line?" Unfortunately, there are also people who have dysfunctionally learned to like arguing and getting the last word or zinger in on the argument and thus sabotage their relationships, which doesn't help usually, even if they want to keep their current relationship. Basically, it grows away from the actual problem and options at hand. Talking quietly and respectfully is always better. Trying to see the other person's point of view but being honest about what you want, in the shortrun, and in the longrun. Negotiating, unless you are up against a wall in your personal values, and then just being honest about it, and having a partner that will respect that. It is very important to having a relationship that will last over the long haul.
June 10th, 2015 12:37am
Because they aren't listening to each other. Listening (really listening) is a very surprisingly rare skill. But once you conquor it, it solves so much. It boils down to letting yourself be less important, stop taking yourself so seriously, and letting the other person speak with yourself intent to hear them. Not only that, try to pull even more out of them, rather than interrupting them so you can drive home your own point.
October 27th, 2015 2:02pm
Yelling all comes from a form of stress. They yell at each other because they feel uncomfortable, and not understood. Try to help them find their source of stress or lonliness.
March 14th, 2015 5:10am
Emotions. Also, a louder voice can overpower the points the other is making. It'll be nice if there's a rule between the couple to whisper during fights though :)
April 23rd, 2015 3:39pm
as no one listens to each other and its just one way to get their points clear...but actually its a bad idea to do and not healthy for any relationship. Having a peaceful conversation can really help ones mind and feelings change towards their partners.
August 31st, 2015 2:06pm
Because they've never learned how to really communicate. It's easier to blame loudly than to quietly ask why, and it's easier to call names than to say, "I feel ...when this happens." People who yell can be taught to communicate more effectively.
March 27th, 2017 11:00pm
Sometimes people get caught up in being right rather than resolving the problem, which can lead to raised voices. It is always important to take the feelings of the other person into consideration whenever there is an issue.
June 3rd, 2015 6:02am
It is quite a common phenomenon that couples or for that matter anybody arguing to shout. I think that by shouting they just wish to prove themselves correct and other person wrong. They need to understand that shouting does not prove anyone as wrong or right.
August 3rd, 2015 10:56am
Because they are hurting inside or they always want to be right. They don't apologize and some think the fighting would make them close when they make it up. That's not how they cope with fighting/arguing
November 2nd, 2015 5:14pm
Its the nature of duality. Where the extreme passions of love exist, there is an opposite flow of the nature of passionate discourse.
January 25th, 2016 8:04pm
Because couples usually love each other and thus they have great expectations from each other. The reason they yell instead of talking quietly is because sometimes ego creates this problem and yes we cannot forget the fact that we know that saying things loudly would create more impact on the other person which is what both of them want. And yes, scientifically couples that fights moderately frequently are bound to stay together for a longer time
August 1st, 2016 5:50am
Emotions are not easy to control when you are arguing with someone u care about the most. Sometimes emotions just take over and you become overly loud or expressive. Does not mean you are overacting just means that you care so much to show that you do.
February 27th, 2018 1:37am
Because they feel like they aren't being heard. And they feel like there point has not been made.
August 14th, 2018 6:32pm
People often forget it isnt not one person versus another, but both parties versus the problem. We assume the role of right or wrong and create tension.
August 10th, 2015 12:27pm
Because they need to make pressure on some words, they need to express their anger, they want to make sure the other party knows what they're talking about, they want to embarrass each other, and there are countless other different reasons
February 16th, 2016 10:36pm
It could be a wat of releasing the stress they have on themselves helping the suituayion calm down after all the screaming
November 15th, 2016 3:15am
They tend to have a lot of pent up problems and frustrations. They might not even realize they are yelling. Think of it as a dam that eventually overflows. The water gushes and flows, slow at first but eventually a torrential wave.
August 14th, 2017 4:56pm
People have different dynamics, and different forms of expressions. To you, it may be easy to calm down in the moment and talk things out, for others, that may be a little harder. It can be uncomfortable to hear a couple argue and yell. It may be disruptive and rude. If you feel like things could escalate to dangerous levels, it could be a good idea to bring it up once they're both calm. Some people don't realize how loud they can be when they're in the heat of the moment.
July 24th, 2018 7:50am
People get heated and lose control of their emotions. They don't really think about the effect it has, and they certainly don't care what they say.
May 4th, 2020 3:38am
I can understand how you feel, as I have been in this situation before. I’m not sure why couples choose to yell at one another, and it can feel very discouraging when you’re not able to get your point across to one another. Have you tried to ask them why they are yelling to see if you can find a new way to solve the problem? Sometimes in relationships, people think if they yell, it makes people listen, where in fact it can just make a situation worse and hurt each other’s feelings. Whether it is intentional or not. It can be extremely frustrating because you feel as if you will never be heard or understood
December 6th, 2021 6:52am
Because many people aren’t good at expressing themselves the right way. And therefore the other party will take it as an argument and thats when things start heating up and that’s when fights happened. Its always lack of communications that causes misunderstanding and arguments. When one is fire, one has to be the water. Keeping it balance. There has to be give and takes in able to keep the relationship healthy. And one more most important key is RESPECT. We should respect our partners like how we want to be respected. Push both egos aside, take deep breaths and talk calmly like normal adults would.