How do you set boundaries with your family?
Hi everyone! Most of us know how important it is to have boundaries. However, it is common for people to struggle with boundaries when it comes to their family.
For those who are unsure what boundaries are. These are limits you place to ensure your health or the health of a relationship. For example, you may set a work boundary of not working past 5 pm (the time you get off).
How do you set boundaries with your family?
Examples of boundaries with families
Asking for a phone call before coming over
Not helping x member with money (typically due to previous negligence)
With my family of origin, I just...don't talk to them anymore after dealing with physical and verbal abuse. I've had to set MANY boundaries in the past. [ex. Please call or text before coming to my home, don't open the door while I'm trying to sleep, don't snoop through my stuff, etc etc]. The only one I've talked to really from my biological family was my youngest brother, but I don't think I can anymore...He's still in contact with my abuser and lives with her, aka my "womb carrier" who physically, verbally and SA me...
As for my wonderful chosen family, I don't really know if I've established any boundaries really?
I haven't really had to. Though, I'm thinking I may need to start putting boundaries on myself. I tend to shirk on my responsibilities by going on LONG phone calls with my chosen younger sister. She's super cool! But I need to limit myself so I can get my errands/chores done. Uhm...same thing with hangouts, I need to work on setting boundaries for myself--as in not spending too much money. I need to save, since I'm trying to change my life around after going through some traumatic events.
Hi,
Great question, wow, this has been so difficult for me. So, I have come to realize that the boundaries can be crossed, even if the person is not physically there. However, in the end it is up to us to enforce them. I found a way to do this in my mind. I realize sometimes my thoughts tend to take over and think the worst about the person who is doing this.
For example, when dealing with someone with a personality disorder, like a narcissist, they will cross boundaries all the time, or have a way if pushing buttons. It happens, and it's one of the hardest things to deal with. I really try not to let it get to me. It's hard but I am working on it, and I realized that if I focus on myself, it's not about me but the other person, it's improving a little.
Good point! Respecting boundaries doesn't come easily for some people. Some even look at those as challenges to overcome
There are several steps you can take to set boundaries with your family. Some key points to consider include valuing yourself and your time, giving yourself permission to do whatโs best for you, and knowing your triggers and anticipating them.
@escapelifer777
yes, these things all contribute to and set the tone for a healthy relationship. This also gives others the ability to have healthy relationships as well... this got me thinking, what is a healthy relationship, and what are the benefits?... I believe it is a less taxing relationship on your physical/mental and social well-being. This benefits you by giving you more freedom to do things of your choosing and allowing you to live a more rich and fulfilled life. Great topic and responses!!!
@Hope
The idea of "boundaries" did not exist while I was growing up. We barely knew what human rights were. We learned to respect the generations before ours, teachers and most adults we had to deal with, and that even our siblings and classmates should not be mishandled, :) especially if an adult was watching. We somehow knew that this aunt was difficult but this older cousin was easier to relate to, as long as you did not go overboard. If you did not know someone well, you knew - out of the politeness lessons and even corrections - that you should not presume to be free to act or talk in any way you fancied. My own children were somehow raised that way too. Interestingly, "personal boundaries" is a concept that works in certain cultures and not others. It is not easy to translate in many other languages where "respect" is a more common idea.
Self-respect is also a way to look at the concept of boundaries.
In my view, "boundaries" should not be too visible or rigid, because some people can actually use them to hurt you. This buzzword is useful to explain certain situations, but we could end up fencing ourselves in.
@Fradiga
I liked your style of expressing this topic very much... The passion, taste and feeling are wonderful ๐๐โค๐
Thank you! I'm afraid I was off-topic with my reply, which was not... :) ...an answer
@Fradiga I like your way of expressing yourself. Perhaps we are from a similar generation. I also sometimes respond to certain buzz words with a tiny bit of irritation, like that's just common sense, but it isn't, I guess. I will respond at greater length my perception of boundaries and how I employ them with family, but honestly at this point there is no one on my family with whom I have difficulties with boundaries, perhaps because I tend towards being assertive and I have a good memory, and was also brought up to respect others, as I have taught our children, at least I hope I have, they seem to get good reviews recently at least (keeping my fingers crossed). I especially liked your pairing of the term "boundaries" with the term "respect," because yes, it does seem that the first is crossed when the second is found to be lacking.
@Fradiga
Wow now that is some knowledge, and I thank you for it. I actually didn't think about it so well-roundedly. It is a multidimensional topic for sure.
Thank you!
@Fradiga
Your so welcome young lady! :)
@Hope I tell them to F off, and if they don't like it, then to charge me rent and give me a lease. And I remind them that when they do that, I'll be telling the Irs they claim me as a dependent when they shouldn't be.
Then I remind them I didn't ask to be born. They stop talking...and the house goes quite. It's so peaceful. Can't wait to move out lol
Personally, when it comes to my family considering more than half is toxic, and I have been doing everything in my power an being not be like them, I have had to work on saying "No" and meaning it as well as addressing their blatant disregard and disrespect towards me as not only a mother, but a human being with needs/wants. Sometimes, it can be alittle hard when it comes to my mom with her trying to push a relationship between my father and i. However the best way I have found how to do it is just simply saying, " I do not appreciate the way you rush to assumptions or conclusions, I am not a child, I am a grown adult with feelings/ emotions that are valid if you can not respect me for me nor accept your wrong doings with me then there is nothing left to discuss between you and I an I will let you speak to your grandchild now."
@Hope
the way that i set boundaries with members of my family is by communicating with them on a daily basis in a respectful and respectable manner. i let them know how i can spend time helping them and also how i can spend time with them. then, i let them know when i need time for myself. boundaries are important in any aspect of life, great community post!
@Hope I had to cut them off.
The last person I had contact with was an uncle. We exchanged hostile texts mostly I called him on his crap and he didn't own it.
A great way to set boundaries is to walk away. Hang up the phone. Turn off the computer. Leave the room, or the house.
Allow for a cooling off period before resuming contact and you decide when you are ready, not them.
