My mom and I are the complete opposite. How can I get along with her?
Last Updated: 01/07/2020 at 10:06pm
Brenda King, PsyD
I treat life changes, women’s issues, and issues of aging using evidence-based treatments with healthy doses of warmth, empathy and humor to enhance healing and growth.
Top Rated Answers
I'd like to share a couple of ideas on this, from my personal perspective. If possible, could you both try to appreciate the differences in each other? An idea that might really be fun and support you with this would be for you and your mom to share a "Mom / Daughter journal". In this journal, you could take turns writing to each other how you feel, or anything at all, even just a small drawing, a poem, or a picture...anything at all. Then you would each take turns after sharing something in the journal by pacing the journal in a space you both feel comfortable with accessing it, and can easily both see it is there again for the other to pick up and enter a new entry and then place it back in the agreed upon space. This way, you could really share, express yourselves, and get to know each other in some new, creative, and hopefully enjoyable ways. You two might discuss not talking about any entries in the journal unless agreed upon, or shared or asked about in the journal first. You two might also both want to agree that the Journal will only be for the two of you to view and share, unless otherwise mutually agreed upon. Hope this helps.
You can't ever change someone's personality, but you can change the way you cope and feel towards your mom. In the end, how you feel dictates how you respond to a situation, although it isn't as black & white as it sounds.
I've learnt that even when we feel different from our parents, it's not that we're different, we are actually the same, but at different stages in life. At one point, my mom was just like me, she felt as if her parents didn't understand her choices and that they couldn't agree. Her mom was the old person who didn't understand what it felt like to be in love or have friendship drama. Her mom was the person she couldn't talk to because she always felt judged. Now the roles have switched and my mom is to me, what her mom was to her and I am feeling exactly how my mom felt about her mom when she was my age. The key to getting along is understanding that there is wisdom in experience. While your mom may come across as harsh or judgmental, she knows quite a lot about being in your position because she was once there. Seek to understand and then to be understood, listen to her point of view and then share yours respectfully, without getting overly emotional about it, you can agree to disagree. But at the end of the day, your mom is the only person in this world who will seek your best interest.
Sometimes there may not be an answer to getting along with a person. Even if its your own parent. You can't change the way another person thinks for feels. However, you can sit with that person and talk with them responsibly if you feel that you are wanting the situation to be better. It's hard to have a personality opposite of another person who is so close to you. But the first thing one can do is talk openly about how they feel in hopes the other will listen. Also there is therapy and counseling if the situation is or becomes worse. Once again you can't make another person change who they are or how they act or re-act, but you can take the first step in talking to them and discussing your feelings about wanting to get along for the better. If they are your parent, hopefully they will in fact want the relationship to be better also, and take the time to listen. But you won't know until you make that move.
Find this thing called "grey area". It's something you two might have in common, or that doesn't bug neither of you. From this grey area, try to find more things that may help you two get along like talking topics and activities to do
Find somethings in common. There will always be at least one thing in common with another person. Make a sincere effort.
The old saying that opposites attract has been belittled saying that every relationship needs to be met with a commonality. While this is true, opposites complete each other. If you and your mom fight a lot, chances are that you are really similar, not necessarily opposites. Try to place yourself in her shoes. Look at the time period she grew up in. Is it about technology? Parents were born into an era without most technology that we have now. That means that sometimes she won't understand why our phones are so important. Likewise, you may not understand the same things she does. Try to keep an open mind! :)
She is your mom. You'll find hard to deal with her as long as she is so different to you but you may not forget that she loves you no matter what. The worst part is when you two bump into each other and just collide in a matter where you ought to have reason. My advice is to calm down and accept the part where she is right and you aren't, and to keep your idea when you think you are right. You need co-existence as long as you two live together so just talk to each other. I've did it and now we get along very well. I kept interested on some of her matters (like sewing or dancing) and she tried to make some interest on my hobbies like painting and singing.
Find some common ground. It may be difficult considering the two of you are very different but it is very important to have a special bond with your mother because she is one of the only people in this world who was there with you from the beginning and will continue to be there for you until the end.
Patience and respect. I have the same problem with my mom, but I find that if I respect her as a person and disagree calmly and politely things go better than when I get frustrated. Also-pick your battles, let her win somethings (especially little nothing arguments) and things will be better for you
It is best to accept your differences and come to an understanding with eachother. I am extremely different from my friends and many of my peers but i still get along with them because i accept that we are different. It can be fun talking with someone who is very different from yourself.. It can be a positive thing.
Sometimes, it's hard to connect with people who you feel are the opposite of you. But find some things that you both have in common, can be very beneficial to getting along with her.
No matter how different you'll are she is your mum at the end of the day. She loves you, It may not be easy but you'll can try out new things which you'll may end up liking.
Are there any likes such as hobbies or interests that you have in common? Maybe doing small activities like cooking or movies can help make a bond.
You and your mom have to find a common ground on something, Whether that be a similar interest, a favorite movie, same music taste, Anything that you can find some common ground on will in fact bring the two of you closer and you'll be able to understand each other much more after you have found a common ground.
We are all different. But whem we try to look at the qualities you can admire about your mom, you would be able to appreciate your differences more.
The easiest way to get along with someone is to make the decision, first and foremost, to get along. Sometimes people say things you don't like, do things you don't appreciate, but sometimes all it takes is stepping out of your shoes and considering their perspective, not just your own. Parents are people too, (as easy as that is to forget), and they have very real feelings, thoughts and concerns. Sometimes, you have to give a little, to get a little.
Try talking to her about her past, and trying to see if she ever loved anything back then, And build.
Get to know what she likes. Start opening up more to her about yourself and she will slowly open up about herself on stories she have etc. Do things together like bowling,movies etc.
Try to get an understanding of eachother, you can have a simple chat about anything you both agree on and build your relationship from there.
Finding common ground? Your parents are always going to be your support system in your life, they are your first friend when you arrive on this earth. You will have many disagreements with your parents and 99% you will probably be annoyed by something they do but we get on their nerves too but we all have to endure it. Make most of the time your parents are here, unfortunately, they arent here forever so dont take it for granted. Once your older and have kids of your own you start to realize why your parents acted like they did on certain occasions.
Since my mom and I see things very differently sometimes, I try my best to really understand where she's coming from during our conversations. I remind myself that just because someone doesnt provide the exact relationship I'd like to have with them, doesn't mean they aren't trying with all they have. I think the best thing to do is to look at your relationship with your mom as a work in progress. Make sure you show her the respect she deserves, but at the same time make sure you're getting the same respect in return. If things start to get heated, tell your mom you'd like to put a pin in the conversation and come back to it when you have both cooked off. At the end of the day she may not be perfect, but she is the only mom you get. You both deserve to give it 100%, even if you dont see eye to eye on everything.
Try to find things that you both enjoy. Try to find things that you both have in common. Building a relationship with mom is very important as we only get one. Any relationship has times that we give and times that we take. Think about the relationship and try to see if it is a balanced give/take relationship. Write down problems in your relationship and really take time to analyze how it would be best to overcome those problems. Like any good relationship it takes effort, compromise and hard work. Sometimes things that she is good at you are not and vice versa. See how you two can compliment each other to make a power team.
Try finding something you both like, or you could try a new activity together. The older you get the easier it gets, maybe you aren't as different as you think.
Spend more time with her.I'm pretty sure you'll find something common between you too. Take your chances.
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