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Why do fellow LGBT people not want to discuss about their sexuality when they are just as alone in this as me?

22 Answers
Last Updated: 03/02/2021 at 10:05pm
1 Tip to Feel Better
United Kingdom
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Tara Davis, Doctorate in Counselling Psychology


I have worked successfully with a wide range of difficulties. Nothing is more important than developing a warm, compassionate relationship with someone you can trust

Top Rated Answers
March 6th, 2018 7:25pm
The reason an individual is uncomfortable talking about their sexual/gender identity vary greatly from person to person. However, there are a couple common reasons. First, they haven't come to terms with it themselves. What someone says and what someone actually believes can indeed contradict each other. A person can say they are comfortable with themselves when in reality they are still fighting for self approval. This makes talking about it, quite frankly, hard. After all, talking about something you're unsure of tends to make people think they're weak or silly. These thoughts lead to them feeling embarrassed to discuss anything around they're sexual/gender identity until they feel more confident with themselves. Second, it's new. Say a particular person grew up in a homophobic/transphobic (bi-phobic, ace-phobic, etc) environment. In other words, they spent years having to keep their mouths shut for their own safety. Transitioning from that situation to one where they are expected to be open is a drastic shift. In a way, they built a habit of not talking. Then all of sudden they're expected to talk. That in its self breeds an uncomfortable atmosphere to discuss sexual/gender identity. Thirdly, they're not safe. They may still be in an environment or vicinity that's toxic and potentially dangerous if word gets out that they're a part of the LGBTQ+ community. This situation will mean they have to be cautious about who they tell and how much. After all, they're safety is of the upmost importance and they should never be pressured into talking about something that could put them at risk. Lastly, they merely could just be the type of person that prefers to keep it to themselves. And that's okay. If a person isn't ready to talk about their sexual/gender identity, no matter the reason, (and they don't have to give one) it should be respected.
January 22nd, 2015 5:53am
It can be hard for queer and trans people to open up about their sexualities and gender identities. A lot of queer and trans folks carry scars about their experiences, and have difficulty trusting strangers. Others, however, who have grown up in more progressive areas or not struggled with their identities may not consider it to be all that much of a factor in their lives, and therefore might not have much to say on the topic. Try seeking out online communities, forms etc. or connect to a listener on here who specializes in LGBT matters, such as myself. I'm sorry you're having a hard time connecting with your community.
February 9th, 2016 5:18pm
Some individuals within the LGBT community may, for whatever reason, not feel comfortable disclosing their sexual preferences. These reasons could include safety/security, personal modesty, or even obligations to a career or relationship. Other individuals may lack a distinct sexuality or identify as asexual / demisexual. While the community encourages those who can come out to do so, the experiences of those who do not are just as valid.
February 17th, 2015 1:37pm
Maybe they are uncomfortable as who they are, and it is taking them a while to feel comfortable and excepting of themselves before they can talk about it to others. It may also be triggering.
April 16th, 2015 4:42pm
Some people find it hard to admit that they are who they are if others around them, especially those who are the main people in their life, won't acknowledge the fact themselves. To talk about their sexuality is to admit that they have that sexuality status which is more daunting to some people than it may seem. Others, just want privacy. For example, I won't go to support groups because it's my business and no one else's. I also don't want them to take pity upon me. There could of course be more underlying issues but the main thing you can do is to be supportive and to never push someone into talking about anything.
June 9th, 2015 7:30pm
Sometimes it can be difficult to accept yourself or to discuss something like this. Everyone needs time and you're not alone.
July 6th, 2015 9:31pm
Other individuals process things differently than others. There are so many resources available to the LGBT community today. Other individuals may be scared to discuss the topic as well.
August 31st, 2015 8:23pm
Often people will still feel scared worried that maybe the person isn't being 100% truthful especially online when the subject of trolls are present. When someone feels alone especially in difficult 'hot' situations they tend to back off in fear of being judged or scorned. Personally it took me year to accept my sexuality and when the part of discussing came about I was terrified again I felt almost fake that people wouldn't believe me and would shun me for being silly and making fun and that was the worst thing when you've finally found accepting people. It takes time for people to open up especially about sensitive issues like sexuality but with time they will open up and discuss it with you the important thing is to not pressure them because then you could cause them to hold back longer, everyone is ready in their own time just wait it'll be worth it :)
October 26th, 2015 8:44pm
Some people don't feel comfortable discussing their problems it makes them feel weak and sad so they tend to ignore the problem they have with the subject.
December 1st, 2015 6:57pm
Fellow LGBT people can be uncomfortable talking about their sexuality for a handful of reasons. Maybe they're still in the closet to some people. Maybe they're insecure and ashamed about their sexuality. It's important not to push them to talk about it if they don't want to. They might be very lonely, so offer support, but if they don't want to discuss, don't make them.
February 2nd, 2016 6:39pm
Many LGBT people do not want to discuss their sexuality, because they either do not know about other LGBT people or they feel uncomfortable speaking about it. Some people who are LGBT are raised in a household where they are unable to speak about it, so when they encounter someone who is LGBT, they don't know how to talk about it. It took me a long time to be comfortable speaking about my sexuality with my friend's because I grew up hiding it and having to keep it from people. Some people think of it as a dirty secret unable to be shared, when it's anything but. Connecting with other LGBT people is very important, so start the conversation and bring up the topic cautiously.
February 5th, 2016 1:25am
How and where have you tried to approach fellow LGBT people? As Listeners on here, for example, it's not about *our* sexuality, it's about helping you sort out your emotions and finding further resources where needed. People you meet in person might not be prepared for such questions. There are, however, online communities dedicated to these issues, so your odds should be much better there.
April 5th, 2016 2:32pm
It might be a trigger to them. Or they are not open in sharing their private live, or they are afraid of something.
September 12th, 2016 7:27am
Some are insecure about their sexuality and doesn't want to discuss it until they are certain. If they put themselves in the LGBTQ+ category, that doesn't mean they are fully secure yet. Just give them some time :)
January 3rd, 2017 5:20am
Because it's very personal and they may not feel comfortable talking about it aloud yet. Also, they may just be discovering themselves.
November 21st, 2017 9:25am
It depends who you talk to and how they feel about their experience. I personally am very open about my sexuality and will happily discuss it with anyone but others are not on that path yet and that's okay. Some people find it confronting or private to talk about it and that's okay.
April 2nd, 2018 5:20pm
Hmmm I'm not sure about that I've had many discussions with my lgbtq+ peers about sexuality perhaps you're asking personal question which make them uncomfortable?
July 17th, 2018 10:02am
People aren't all the same amount of comfortable discussing their sexuality. Just because a person is LGBTQ+ doesn't mean they want to discuss their orientation/identity any more than a non-LGBTQ+ person.
- Expert in LGBTQ+ Issues
June 10th, 2019 8:11pm
Some people might experience difficulties in opening up about their sexuality, maybe due to their upbringing and the mentalities they were presented to throughout their life. In these cases, it's ok to encourage them to open up and reassure them that you won't judge because you understand and accept them for who they are. Just remember not to push anyone - it's alright for people to take their time with this - and you'll see that eventually you'll find some LGBT people willing to discuss their identity with you! Maybe attending the meeting of LGBT support groups can be of some help in finding someone willing to share their experience and feelings.
June 8th, 2020 1:02pm
I think an important thing to consider in this situation is that when you are in a situation that has been difficult or painful for you, it can usually lead to the situation being difficult to talk about. When you are speaking to someone that has also gone through the same thing, it does not always make it easier to talk about. Parts of the experience is still painful and sometimes it takes great strength to use your experiences to help someone else and not everyone is ready yet in their own personal journey to take that step of using their pain to help someone else.
July 6th, 2020 9:58pm
Sharing your experiences of your sexuality as a LGBT+ person can be nerve-racking and can make you feel vulnerable, even when among other LGBT+ people. It can also be difficult to tell who is LGBT+, and even some LGBT people and communities are still not as inclusive as they should be. There could be a fear of negative response from other LGBT people.I'm bisexual, and even as a member of the LGBT+ community, I have been excluded from some LGBT+ spaces for being bisexual. There are also many personal reasons for not discussing, and it's important to keep in mind that some LGBT+ people may simply prefer keeping their sexuality and their experiences to themselves. Not everybody wants to talk about it all of the time, and that's okay!
March 2nd, 2021 10:05pm
Talking about LGBT in ones own life journey can be a scary thing. Although there should not be, there are labels that go along with those letters and it is hard to belong to that club for some folks. There is also fear of losing a job, friends, family, housing etc. My hope is that sometime in my lifetime this will all go away and that people will feel free to talk about this issue as well as others that are just as difficult to discuss. One way to open the conversation with another is to first talk about your own experiences so that another person does not feel so alone in their journey